Beast in Shining Armor (A Kinda Fairy Tale)

by Cassandra Gannon

  Defense: We apologize, your honor. But, he does have a point about this questionable testimony.

  Prince Avenant has never once been accused of attempted murder.

  Testimony of Prince Charming- The People of the Northlands vs. Prince Avenant

  “Explain why a minotaur is chasing us.” Belle got out when they finally stopped running. “I thought that’s why Letty gave us that damn flute. Because they were --like-- charmed by the melody or something.”

  “I told you, the music thing isn’t working.” Esmeralda bent forward with her hands braced on her knees, trying to catch her breath. “The flute just got him all grouchy.”

  Avenant snorted. “Maybe you just suck at playing it.”

  “Maybe you should shut-up, wiseass.” Esmeralda slanted him a glare. “I’m only here to help you save your stupid frozen kingdom, you know.”

  “I didn’t ask for your help.”

  “No, you asked for Letty’s help and Letty asked for my help. Tuesday share circle sticks together, ass wipe.”

  Avenant sighed, but he stopped arguing.

  Belle’s gaze cut between them, sensing their bond. Was this girl his True Love?

  Ever since Avenant had hinted at his forthcoming marriage, Belle had been on edge. She hadn’t really considered him finding a wife before. The idea troubled her on some deep level. So much so that she’d frantically tried to talk him out of the whole idea, which had probably made her sound like a lunatic.

  Avenant wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t just going to walk away from his one True Love.

  Now Esmeralda had shown up and Belle couldn’t stop thinking that maybe she was the woman he’d been talking about. Ez was certainly beautiful and, like most witches, favored as little clothing as possible. Even at these frigid temperatures, she was showing off her ample cleavage in a way that had Belle’s teeth grinding together. Worse, Avenant wasn’t killing her for being such a pain in the ass, so he had to like the witch. Maybe she was the one he wanted. Why wouldn’t he want her?

  Belle’s stomach tightened in dismay. “What’s Tuesday share circle?” She demanded, hating the fact they had some kind of private code.

  “It was our therapy group back in prison.” Avenant explained. “Marrok, Letty, Me, Ez, and a couple of others. We had to meet every Tuesday and share our feeling about being Bad.”

  Belle couldn’t imagine Avenant doing anything even remotely like that. He was the most emotionally unavailable person she’d ever met. “You shared your feelings?”

  “Hell, no.” Esmeralda scoffed. “He just sat there and complained about the rest of us. Oh and about you.”

  Yeah, that made more sense.

  “The usurper stole the Northlands.” Esmeralda mocked in her best Avenant impression. “The usurper framed me for embezzling. The usurper didn’t go to prom with me.”

  Belle looked at Avenant. “You told them about prom?”

  “Of course not.”

  “He completely did.” Esmeralda assured her. “I think you really hurt Avenant’s feelings when you dated that other guy instead of him.”

  Belle glanced over at Avenant, who was glowering at Esmeralda. “You didn’t even ask me to prom.” She snapped, outraged that somehow he’d cast her as the villain in that mess. “Everything that happened was your fault.”

  “I don’t remember it that way.”

  The man was insane. “How else is there to remember it?!” She demanded. “It’s what happened. You were an obnoxious, lying jackass. I called you on it and you got pissed.”

  “I got pissed because you refused to listen to the truth.” He snapped. “You were trying to break me and it didn’t work. It won’t work. I will keep fighting until I win.”

  Esmeralda leaned closer to Belle and lowered her voice conspiratorially. “Avenant’s kind of sensitive under all the bullshit snarking. Dr. Ramona, our counselor, said he builds walls around his feelings.”

  “Ignore the witch.” Avenant told Belle. “She has no idea what she’s talking about.”

  Esmeralda rolled her eyes. “Fine. How about we focus on the giant minotaur out to flambé us, then? I mean, you two didn’t see this thing. He’s huge, with horns and lousy sense of humor.”

  “Horned creatures are notoriously moody.” Avenant agreed. “I’ve always said that. I tried deporting all of them from my kingdom, but someone started whining about monster’s rights and blocked the eviction.” He looked pointedly at Belle.

  She disregarded that. “Does he really have the head of a bull?” She asked Esmeralda, interested despite herself. So little was known about minotaurs. Every book she’d researched had been filled with speculation and unanswered questions.

  “Let’s just say, he’s not the handsomest guy in the Four Kingdoms. We need to keep going.”

  “Where?” Avenant gestured to the maze of corridors. “We have no idea which direction is safest, Ez. For all we know, we’re circling back to him.”

  “Or towards whoever killed Mr. Pumpkin-Eater.” Belle reminded him, sitting down on a rock. The floor was slippery in this section of the maze, as if the ground was mostly ice. It felt good to stop sliding around for a minute. She dug into her own pack to grab a bottle of water and twisted the top off.

  Avenant slanted Esmeralda a suspicious glare. “Wait a minute… Did you lobotomize that jack-o-lantern guy?”

  “What? No.” She promptly frowned, reconsidering her automatic denial. “Well… wait. Let me think about it.” Her crimson eyes narrowed, like she was trying to recall the specifics of all her crimes. “Was he a skinny dude living with his plus-sized wife in a pumpkin shell? Because, that was totally an accident.”

  “No, he was the scarecrow looking cannibal trying to steal my crown.” Avenant told her calmly.

  “Oh, awesome! That guy’s dead?”

  Belle shook her head in frustration and leaned back against the wall. “How did you find us, Esmeralda?” She demanded, passing her water bottle to Avenant.

  Esmeralda shrugged. “I’m a witch. I did a spell.” She made a face. “I would’ve found you sooner, but --I mean-- it is a maze. I was trying to stay kind of undercover and I ended up just getting lost.” She snorted. “This thing is a stupid fucking way to run a kingdom, if you ask me.” She waved a hand around the labyrinth.

  “Tell me about it.” Avenant took a sip of Belle’s water. “Trust me. As soon as I’m back in charge, it’s all getting torn down.”

  “It was nice of Esmeralda to come all this way to help you.” Belle pushed her hair behind her ears and tried to look casual as she steered the conversation back towards their relationship. “You guys are… close?”

  “Well, doing hard time together has a way of bonding people.” Avenant’s lips quirked at Esmeralda. “Even when they hate each other’s guts.”

  She winked at him.

  The sick feeling got worse. “You usually don’t ‘bond’ with anyone.” Belle said weakly. He was too busy calling them peasants or oppressing them. “You two must have a very special relationship.”

  “Special?” Esmeralda tilted her head. “Hang on… Are you trying to figure out if we’ve had sex?” She sounded amused.

  Avenant choked on the water he was drinking.

  “No.” Belle snapped. She scowled up at Avenant. “…Have you?”

  “Fuck no.”

  She frowned over at Esmeralda for confirmation. “So, you’re not his True Love?” The relief that filled her was almost dizzying.

  “Not unless there’s something he isn’t telling me.” The witch smirked at Avenant. “Dude, if you’re planning to pop the question, the diamond had better be the size of a small planet. No way will I put up with you for less than…”

  “Clear the path!” Lancelot came dashing up, interrupting her. “Stay out of my way, pointless citizens. You will just hinder my quest.” He posed, hands on his hips. “I hunt a minotaur.”

  Esmeralda looked over at Avenant. “For real?” She deadpanned.

  “I kno
w. The helmet cuts off his oxygen.” Avenant heaved a longsuffering sigh. “Lancelot, I already have so many reasons to kill you. Why do you always have to add more?”

  “You only want me dead because you know I am going win this contest of valor, Beast.”

  “And because you’re a dickhead.” Belle muttered. God, the man was a disgrace to knights everywhere. “Ever since Avenant’s been in jail, you’ve been trying to steal the Icen Throne. But, it won’t work.”

  Lancelot scowled over at her. “I’m trying to save the Northlands.”

  “From what? An economic upswing? Environmental responsibility? Social programs that have improved the literacy of thousands? Because, I did all that.” Belle liked running the Northlands and she was good at it. Anyone could see that. “I have been the best ruler this kingdom has ever had.”

  “What would a woman know about being a prince?” Lancelot scoffed. “Save your breath. Your feminine wiles won’t work on me the way they do with my pussy-whipped cousin.” He swept a dismissive palm towards Avenant.

  Avenant made a considering face. “Belle is a wily one.” He allowed. “Of course, she’s also the only other person in the world I’d ever allow to sit on my throne. Even temporarily. She cares about the kingdom more than herself, which is something no one in the royal bloodline has ever been able to say.”

  Belle shot him a surprised look.

  “Worry not, for justice will finally prevail.” Lancelot continued, not hearing anything except his own voice. He raised his fist in triumph. “I’m going to force the minotaur to give me Excalibur and win the crown for my own.”

  “If the minotaur knew where the sword was, why doesn’t he just go get it?” Esmeralda demanded.

  “Because minotaurs are enspelled, witch. They live and die within these walls, forever guarding the maze. They cannot leave this labyrinth until the rightful prince comes to claim the blade.” Lancelot paused. “Which is me.”

  Ez arched a brow. “And you know about minotaurs because…?” Her voice trailed off skeptically.

  “I went to the Knight Academy.” Lancelot explained with a superior sniff. “They made us watch many filmstrips as we prepared to be heroes.”

  “He’s right.” Belle glanced at Esmeralda. “About the minotaurs, anyway. They’re trapped in here until someone frees Excalibur. Avenant’s ancestor wrote about it in his journal.”

  “Well, I think that sucks.” Esmeralda glowered over at Avenant like it was his fault. “You can’t keep people caged up for no reason. That’s why we escaped the WUB Club.”

  “Don’t look at me. My grandmother’s great-great-great grandfather Adam sealed them in here. That drunken lunatic is presently my least favorite relative.” Avenant hesitated and then glanced over at Lancelot. “Not counting you, anyway.”

  Lancelot missed the insult, still scowling at Belle. He’d been furious at her ever since she claimed the Northlands and he clearly saw this as his opportunity to vent. “I have been slaying miscellaneous monsters all my life. Do you really think you have a chance to beat me in this maze? No one can match my skill with a sword or…”

  He never got a chance to finish that boast. The minotaur cut him off by lobbing another fireball at them.

  Avenant reacted before Belle could even process what was happening. He tackled her out of the way, dragging her to the ground and covering her. The fiery impact happened right where Belle had been sitting, turning the rock to gravel. Avenant’s arms came up to shield her head from the falling debris. Flaming sparks and ice shards and chucks of granite rained down on them, but none of them touched her. Not a single piece.

  Avenant lifted his face far enough to meet her eyes. “Are you alright?”

  Belle nodded, gazing at him in wonder. Avenant had just saved her life.

  Without even thinking about it, she leaned up to press her lips against his. Avenant draw in a surprised breath as her mouth slid over his. It was the first time she’d ever initiated anything between them and he seemed stunned. His eyes stayed locked on hers as she gently kissed him. His lips parted, responding with the softest caress imaginable. As usual, Avenant touched her like he was afraid of frightening her away. The tenderness had her whole body clenching with desire and wanting more.

  The kiss only lasted a second, but that was long enough to feel the heat beckoning her deeper. If they kept going it would be even better than it had been the last time. Belle felt the barely suppressed passion and it made her pull back in alarm. Getting close to the Beast of the Northlands would be a huge mistake.

  No matter how much Belle longed for him, she would never be important to Avenant.

  Belle jerked away from him, feeling dazed. “Thanks.” She blurted out, because what else could she say?

  Avenant stared at her, his chest heaving. “You drive me insane.” He whispered and gave his head a sharp shake. “Come on.” He got to his feet, dragging her with him. “Stay behind me.”

  Belle looked around and realized the fireball had seared its way straight through four walls, revealing the monster on the far side of the holes. The guy didn’t look exactly like a bull, but he sure didn’t look normal. The horns Esmeralda had talked about jutted out from the sides of his head like curved spears. His massive chest was covered in chainmail and bloody spikes. Best of all, he was absolutely, positively ginormous. Like patting-giants-on-the-head-as-he-stomped-passed ginormous.

  “I hate witches.” He growled, his yellow eyes fixed on Esmeralda.

  “This witch isn’t real fond of you either, buddy.” Ez retorted. “Watch it with the ice melting stuff, huh? Water and my kind don’t mix.”

  Avenant raised a hand and tried to freeze the minotaur with his powers, but the frost seemed to melt before it touched his ginormous body.

  “Immune to magic.” Esmeralda snapped. “Pretty sure I mentioned that.”

  Lancelot let out a panicked curse and ran away as fast as his armored legs could carry him.

  The minotaur kept coming. He must have been used to creating shortcuts through the labyrinth with his fireworks. He casually climbed through the large holes he’d blazed for himself as if he had all the time in the world. “Christ, the trespassers get dumber every century.” He muttered to himself.

  “Fucking hell.” Avenant grabbed hold of Belle’s arm. “Move.”

  Chapter Eight

  Then, Avenant foreclosed on my shoe.

  Testimony of the Old Woman who (Formerly) Lived in a Shoe- The People of the Northlands v. Prince Avenant

  Avenant, Lancelot, and Belle raced down the icy corridor.

  “Want me to try the flute again?” Esmeralda asked, dashing along after them. “I can play first seven notes of The Alphabet Song and the first six of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”

  “They’re the same goddamn tune!” Avenant roared. “No wonder the minotaur wants to kill you.” Avenant really did detest children’s songs. Mother Goose would never get her show back, if he had his way.

  Esmeralda rolled her eyes. “Hey, the minotaur wants to kill you, too, buddy.”

  “Maybe we can try talking to him.” Belle suggested. “He seems like an intelligent… Jesus!” She plowed into Lancelot’s back as he skidded to a stop. “What are you doing?” She touched her nose, making sure she hadn’t broken it on his armor.

  “I shall not run, anymore. Cowards flee from danger.” Lancelot hefted his sword. “Men face it, eager for death.”

  “We’re all eager for your death.” Avenant assured him.

  Lancelot slanted him a glare. “I’m about to win the kingdom from you, Beast. Look on in awe as I force the minotaur to reveal the location of Excalibur. Neither you nor this woman will sit on the Icen Throne a moment longer.” He waved a contemptuous hand at Belle. “In fact, it should have melted long ago with you two claiming it.”

  “But, it didn’t.” Belle shot back. “Both Avenant and I were accepted as rightful rulers by the throne. Weren’t we, Avenant?”

  “Of course we were. You migh
t be a usurper, but at least you’re legitimately part of the royal line.”

  Belle frowned, not understanding that calm statement.

  Lancelot didn’t care enough to even listen. “Now is the time to claim my due.” He was fixated on his kamikaze mission, psyching himself up to do something stupid. Which, honestly, didn’t take too much psyching. “DIE MONSTERRRRR!” He screamed as he barreled towards the minotaur, his helmet gleaming in the eerie light. “Now you face a man!”

  Avenant shook his head in disgust.

  Esmeralda’s eyebrows soared as Lancelot rushed off. “Should we go after him?”

  “No.” Avenant intoned.

  “I think he’s about to get slaughtered, though.”

  “It’s fine. I’m his next of kin.” Avenant assured her. “Being a distraction is probably the pinnacle of his abilities, so let’s just celebrate his brief moment of purpose. I’ll buy him a nice memorial statue after we get out of here.”

  Belle hesitated. She wasn’t Lancelot’s biggest fan. Still… “We can’t just let him get fried, Avenant.”

  “Sure, we can.”

  “No, we can’t.”

  “Why not? He’s an asshole.” Avenant sounded confused by this entire argument. “You know he is, Belle. He called you a floozy.”

  “That was like sixteen years ago!”

  “What does that matter?” Avenant crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to budge. “He still said it.”

  Belle made an aggravated sound. “But, this is a perfect opportunity to help someone.” She pointed out. “The journal said that’s how we’re going to get through this level of the labyrinth, remember? Princes should be helpful.”

  “This prince doesn’t do ‘helpful.’” He retorted. “This prince enjoys not helping the assholes around me. Everyone knows that. You testified to it at my trial, as I recall. In excruciating and perjurious detail.”

  “I did.” She allowed, staring up at him. “But, I dare you to prove me wrong.”

  Avenant’s gaze snapped to hers.

  Belle smiled at him… And that was all it took to win.