To the Edge

by Anna del Mar

  “Remember, you’re in control,” Dr. Dodd said. “Go with your gut. If at any time you feel like it’s too much, just say the word ‘red’ and the exercise will stop.”

  “Red?” I burst out laughing.

  The doctor’s shrewd little eyes narrowed. “What’s so funny?”

  “Inside joke.” I laughed some more.

  Clara and I shared a safe word. Different scenes, same coping mechanism. Absurd. I couldn’t stop laughing.

  “Noah?” The doctor clasped his hands on his desk. “Are you done?”

  “Sure.” I sobered up. “Shoot.”

  The picture of a family driving in a car came up on the screen.

  “Quickly now,” Dr. Dodd said.

  “Deathtrap.”

  Black X, loud screech, sharp jolt. “Try again.”

  I could beat this shit. “Driving to the park?”

  Green check mark, clapping, no jolt. “Very good.”

  The picture of a mom delivering her child to school flashed on the screen.

  “Ambush.”

  Fuck. Screwup again. Damn sneaky shrinks.

  “Monday morning?”

  Green check. Applause. “Very good.”

  I wiped a sheen of sweat off my brow.

  Next picture. An image of some random guys playing soccer.

  “Terrorists.” My brain was way too fucked up. “Sorry, I meant athletes.”

  Too late. The jolt was getting old.

  “Students,” I said and got rewarded for it. “Is it almost over?”

  “No interruptions, remember?” Dr. Dodd said.

  A picture of a woman taking the escalator in a crowded mall.

  “Lone wolf.”

  Black X, loud screech, sharp jolt. “Try again.”

  Be positive. “Clara,” I said.

  The computer liked that answer better. It immediately flashed another image on the screen, another woman, this one pictured in a crowded market checking out a fresh fruit stand.

  The flashback hit me like a sledgehammer. Baghdad. Or was it Kabul? I was on a cover mission tracking a most wanted SOB who built bombs to kill American troops and innocent civilians. I’d found myself a nice perch on a secluded rooftop by the time the US Marine squad came down the street on urban patrol. From above, they looked sharp, keeping their staggered formation and clear lines of fire, moving fluidly and alert through the mostly friendly crowds.

  A female translator moved along with the command element toward the front. She stopped to chat with the vendors often, handing out candy for the kids as she went. She was good at her job. I could tell, because the folks in the market greeted her warmly. She probably gave her CO grays every time they went on patrol, but those types of positive interactions were always good to watch. They made the job worth it. Even the strays liked the translator, wagging their tails as they begged for dog treats that she pulled out of her pockets.

  It was as one of those strays limped toward her that she looked up in my direction. Her smile, open and direct, reminded me of Clara’s. And suddenly the translator’s face transformed into Clara’s, and it was Clara’s smile and her sparkling gaze aiming up and me, and her sexy body under the armor and fatigues, right before the dog nuzzled her leg, a second before the stray exploded, blowing Clara into chunks of bloody flesh that rained down from the sky and splattered on my lap.

  I pushed back on my chair and clawed at my thighs, trying to get away from carnage, staring at the gore and the blood staining my pants, heart pumping in my throat, stomach heaving. Clara was dead. Clara had gotten blown up.

  “Noah?” Dr. Dodd’s voice came from far away. “Noah, are you okay?”

  “Red,” I said before I leaned over the wastebasket and vomited.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Clara

  The meeting with Ed Durant left me totally unsettled. The jerk really thought I’d sell myself on behalf of the foundation. I got into my car and slammed the door. I leaned my forehead on the wheel. What gave him the right?

  Money, power and the past, answered the logical part of me. I winced from the blow. I clutched the wheel until my knuckles ached. No way. Durant wasn’t going to get his way. Not this time.

  I struggled to put the conversation behind me. It wasn’t easy, but I had a lot to do and I was short on time. I stopped by Dark Fantasies first. After all, it was Noah’s birthday. This time around, I didn’t hesitate. I knew exactly what I wanted to buy.

  Afterward, I drove to my favorite sushi place, where my order awaited, properly packaged in a dry-ice box that I placed in the wheeled cooler in my trunk. Then I picked up the cake at the bakery, added the fancy bakery box to the cooler and, flooring the accelerator, sped south, away from DC, my past and Durant.

  I made it to the ferry with seconds to spare. Once aboard, I put away the jacket, unbelted my dress and changed my undergarments, not an easy feat in the world’s smallest and dingiest head, especially while the ship pitched and rolled on the Chesapeake. Holding the halves of my wrap dress apart, I took a quick look in the mirror and blushed. That should work.

  I managed a little catch-up on the blog during the crossing. The volume continued to increase. I’d only read a fraction of the new posts by the time we arrived on Avalon.

  I got off the ferry, lugging my purse, bag, laptop case, and rolling the cooler. Martha Crockett wasn’t in town, but one of her sons drove me, the mute one, I surmised, since he didn’t utter a single word the entire way.

  At my request, we made a short stop at the Luz house, so I could check on the repairs. The bathroom looked great, properly restored down to its Victorian fixtures. I was so glad the house hadn’t burned more thoroughly. Some of my best memories had taken place here and—who knew?—maybe the house still had an important role to play in the new future I was beginning to envision. Okay, so it was still a very hazy, unclear future, but at least it was a future that I got to choose.

  I was a little giddy by the time the cab dropped me off at Noah’s cottage. I felt like the naughtiest girl on the island as Martha’s mute son helped me unload. I found myself staring at the door with the cooler and my bags piled on the front deck. I’d been away for a total of two and a half days but it felt like forever. My panties were damp already. Talk about a serious case of lust.

  I rang the bell, squealing like a little girl inside. Noah was going to be so surprised. The lock clicked. The knob turned. As the door opened, I undid my belt and pulled the halves of the dress apart to give him a first glimpse of his birthday present.

  “Wow.” A tall, willowy brunette took me in with an appreciative nod. “You’re a sight for sore eyes. He’s gonna like you for sure.”

  I slammed the halves of my dress together, caught like a thief breaking in. My face, no, my entire body burned with the blush. Who was she? And where the hell was Noah?

  “Noah?” the brunette called over her shoulder, turning her stunning face into a perfect profile while keeping an eye on me. “You better come up. Someone ordered you a stripper.”

  A stripper?

  I clutched my dress together, gritting my teeth, too shocked to say a word and too bewildered to make sense of the woman before me. A beauty. No doubt about it. Six feet of curves encased in formfitting black leather pants and a tank top that advertised a generous pair of boobs.

  “What did you say?” Noah came up the stairs with a beer in his hand.

  “Someone ordered you a stripper.” The woman’s stare held fast on me. “I opened the door and there she was, in all her stripper glory...”

  I met Noah’s gaze. The shock I spotted on his face was enough to tell me things I didn’t want to know. I whirled on my heels and stomped across the deck, down the stairs and onto the gravel driveway. My stuff remained behind, forgotten by the door. As I march
ed down the road, I knotted my belt so hard I could’ve cleaved my waist in half. Whatever had just happened, I couldn’t handle it, not today, not after Durant, not right now.

  “Clara?” Noah’s voice tugged on me like a leash. “Clara! Come back!”

  I sped up. Fat chance I was going back, now or ever.

  “Clara!” Noah’s voice chased after me, urgent and intense.

  My heels stabbed the ground, crunched on the gravel and sank into the mud. I shook off a clump of muck and kept going. Tears burned in my eyes. That woman. She was a much better birthday present than I could ever be. The thoughts whirled in my mind, hotter and faster. Irrational, sure. Nothing about the way I felt right now could be considered remotely rational.

  “Clara, wait.” Noah’s voice got closer along with the crunch of running feet. “Stop, please. Stop.” A hand wrapped around my arm and whirled me around. “Where the hell are you going?”

  “Home.” I squeaked, trying to pry my arm free from his hold.

  “What do you mean, home?” Noah said, eyes wide, nostrils quivering. “You just got here. Let’s go inside. We can talk in the cottage.”

  He was breathing hard, not from the sprint, but from the anxiety of having to stand outside. I was usually sensitive to his condition, but I wasn’t feeling very charitable at the moment.

  “You go.” I walked on. “She’s waiting for you. It’s like pizza delivery, she comes right to your house. No wonder you don’t want to go anywhere else.”

  “For Christ’s sake.” He stalked after me. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You.” I trudged around a puddle. “Her.”

  “Stop this, right now.” He tackled me from behind and, turning me around, squashed me against his chest, virtually immobilizing me.

  I struggled for all of ten seconds before the tears came. I began to sob against his chest and I couldn’t stop. Huge, fat tears stung my eyes and soaked his flannel shirt.

  “Jesus, Clara, what’s wrong?” He hugged me against his breast, where his heart pummeled his breastbone with audible blows. “What’s going on? Tell me what you need.”

  “I came to see you,” I said between sobs.

  “I see that.”

  “It was a surprise,” I mumbled, trying not to howl.

  “You did surprise me,” he said, “very much so.”

  “For your birthday.”

  “You knew it was my birthday today?” He cupped my chin softly and tilted up my face. “You remembered?”

  The look of wonderment on his face was my first clue that my emotions could be a tad out of whack. The sudden pain tearing my heart to shreds reminded me of the way I’d felt that day long ago, when Felix had told me that Noah had left and gone back to his girlfriend. But I was no longer a child. I was a grown woman and I knew better. I wiped my eyes with the heel of my hand. A mess of tears and black mascara smudged my thumb.

  “I wanted to be with you.” I sniffed, using the hem of my skirt to blot out the mess. “But then...” I started to cry again.

  Noah’s face tensed. “Then what?”

  “She was there.”

  “Who?” He frowned until realization widened his eyes. “You mean Brandy?”

  “Her.” I gestured with my chin toward the door, from where the bitch peeked out.

  “Let me explain.” His Adam’s apple shot up and down on his throat. “I’m not alone with Brandy in there. Josh is here and the other guys are downstairs. Brandy, Josh and the guys are part of my support group. They came out to spend the day for my birthday.”

  “But...” Nothing made sense to me. “Why didn’t you tell me they were coming?”

  “I didn’t know,” he said. “They never told me they were coming.”

  I felt stupid, but not completely gone. “Don’t lie to me. That woman and you. You’ve slept together.”

  “Christ, Clara.” He raked his fingers through his hair, leaving thick black strands standing every which way. “How would you even know that?”

  “I felt it.” I narrowed my gaze on him. “The ways she looks at you? Don’t deny it.”

  “Hell, I always thought you were part witch.” He took a deep breath and rubbed a hand over his face, eyes shifting uncertainly between me and the house. “You want the truth?” He hesitated. “I’ll give you the truth, because you deserve nothing less.”

  “Forget it.” I looked away from him, unsure of what I wanted or deserved. “It’s fine.”

  “Look at me.” He placed a hand under my chin. “That’s better. How else will we get over this without the truth?”

  He was right. But the truth was not always a good thing. Or a shareable thing. By the look on his face, he was going to tell me his truth anyways. I wet my lips. No way I was ever going to tell him my truth.

  He took my hand and held it between his, where thick veins raised above the skin, traveled over his forearms and got lost beneath the stripes of his rolled-up sleeves. He brought my knuckles up to his mouth and kissed them, not with glee like Durant, but rather with heart-melting humility. Then he placed my hand over his heart and held it there, where I could feel the steady beat beneath my palm, attesting to his truths.

  “The last two years were hard, lonely.” His face scrunched up as if in pain. “Those guys in there have been my lifeline. They were all in the military, including Brandy. They all suffer from PTSD in different ways. I’m not sure what would’ve happened to me if I hadn’t had them in my life.”

  He paused. The furrows on his forehead deepened. Bad memories clouded the light in his eyes. My heart ached for him, but I knew what he was going to say and I didn’t think I could handle it.

  “I’m not going to lie to you.” He pressed on, bulldozing over my heart. “Brandy and I have shared a bed on a few occasions. She’s been a good friend to me. It came as a small mercy that she was willing to trek out here every once in a while.”

  Every once in a while. I gritted my teeth. I wanted to punch the woman in the nose.

  “It was just sex,” he said, “and it happened way before you came back into my life.”

  What exactly had I expected? Fifteen years of celibacy from a guy as sexually intense as Noah?

  “But it doesn’t matter now,” he said, squeezing my hand. “It’s in the past. Do you understand that?”

  “She’s really pretty,” I muttered sullenly.

  “She’s pretty,” he said. “But she’s not you.”

  Talk about putting a bandage on a raw wound. “Are you sure she’s not the one?”

  “A hundred percent.” He caressed my face, fingers light as a feather as he trailed my jawbone. “I want to be with you. You’ve got to know that. After last weekend, you’ve got to believe me.”

  The way he said it. The earnest expression in his eyes. The way his heart revved up beneath my palm when he said my name. It all rang true to my battered soul. Not that I could be happy about the Brandy thing, but I’d acted like a major bitch. He was going to think I’d turned into a psycho.

  “Are you going to be all right?” he asked, tucking a strand of my bangs behind my ear.

  “Yeah,” but my voice sounded iffy.

  “I don’t remember you being the jealous type.”

  I hadn’t been, until today, when Durant had tried to undermine me like a flash flood eroding the earth. I hadn’t been the jealous type at all, until right now, when the prospect of betrayal and losing Noah’s affections reminded me that he’d left me once before. The memory had shaken me on a cellular level.

  I more or less mumbled. “When you left, back then? Felix said you went back to your girlfriend.”

  “Oh, hell.” His eyes widened with sudden understanding. “But now you know. It wasn’t true. There was no girlfriend. We can work through this.”

 
I shrugged. “I’m an emotional wreck today.”

  “I noticed,” he said. “Why is that?”

  I didn’t want to talk about it. “Maybe I’m getting my period or something. I’m sorry I freaked out.”

  He wiped a wayward tear from the corner of my eye. “I guess it’s better than the alternative.”

  “The alternative?”

  “That you wouldn’t give a shit.”

  My head snapped up. “Not going to happen.”

  “Then I can die a happy man.” He smiled, illuminating the afternoon with the light in his eyes. “Will you please come inside and meet the others?”

  “I guess.”

  He offered me his arm. I threaded my hand through his elbow and clung to him. We walked together toward the cabin, two wounded warriors, leaning on each other. He was probably struggling with the fact that he was out of the cottage in the open. I felt like a total wreck, shell-shocked and emotionally frail. My mind kept going around in circles.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I said.

  “Shoot.”

  “Did you and her...um...” How to ask? “Did you and Brandy do what the two of us do?”

  “You mean kink?”

  I nodded.

  “To be honest,” he said, “you’re the only one I want to tie to my bed for days on end and fuck until the mattress wears out. You’re the only woman I crave in every position plausible and a few others that border on impossible.”

  I cracked a smile. “You’re making this up.”

  “No, ma’am.” He lifted my hand to his lips, kissed it and returned it to his forearm with a little pat. “I’m telling you the truth.”

  “So Brandy’s preferences are of the vanilla variety?”

  “Yeah, and there’s no comparison possible, because I’d take you vanilla, chocolate and swirl, anytime, any day.”

  His words soothed all the nastiness broiling inside of me. He could reassure me like no other human being on earth. The dark clouds that had blackened my mood began to dispel. I wasn’t out of the woods yet, but my heart felt as if it was on the mend.