Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1)

by Megan Erickson

  Holy crap, I was really word vomiting. Time to end this.

  So, that’s it. I think my dad is in jail again now. But it’s fine. I support myself and I’m not ashamed of how I do it.

  Did that sound defensive? Garrett hadn’t once brought up the fact that I was a cam boy. Or used to be.

  Okay, so…there’s a little bit about me.

  And just so you know, talking to you…has been really amazing. It’s been a while since I’ve connected with someone so well and so fast.

  ~Kai

  I read over it. Once. Twice. I thought about changing and deleting but in the end, I sent it as is.

  With my own words still floating in my mind, I took a shower, paced restlessly, and returned to my room when a reoccurring thought wouldn’t go the hell away.

  I hadn’t recorded a video in a long time. Originally it hadn’t even been about the money. It had been about doing something that turned me on, and the little bursts of excitement I’d gotten from…showing my bodies to others but purely on my own terms.

  Would Garrett like them? Would it make him hard? I pictured him in his bed on the base with a computer nearby as he watched me work myself over for the camera. Would his dog tags clink as he slipped his hands under the waistband of his briefs? Would he bite his full lower lip as he watched me come, and say my name as he joined me?

  I turned on the webcam and set it up at the end of the bed. Just the sight of the red light thickened my cock. I hadn’t bothered to dress after my shower, so I dropped the towel on the floor before crawling into bed. I lay on my back and gripped the headboard.

  In the past, I’d imagined someone watching me, but they’d always been faceless. As I stroked myself, the image in my head was anything but faceless. It was Garrett.

  The image I had of him was 2D and made up of pixels, but my imagination knew no bounds. As I spit into my hand and stroked harder, his image went 3D. In my head, Garrett was a living, breathing, human being in my bedroom. I could smell his sweat and feel the heat of his gaze.

  He turned to me, his eyelids lowering as he caught me naked on my bed. His chest heaved, his big hands fisted as his sides as he resisted touching me. He put a knee to the mattress and planted his hands at my feet. “Spread your legs more,” he said. “Let me see everything.”

  I did on a moan, my heels slipping on my sheets. I worked my hand harder, faster, when usually I drew this out, worked myself slow and played to the camera.

  Not today, not while Garrett’s gaze were all over me, seeping into my skin and melting me to the core. I gasped as my balls drew up, as I arched my back on the bed, ignoring the ache in my wrist.

  “Let me see you shoot, Kai. I wanna see that fucking cum all over you. Gonna use it to slick up my cock when I fuck you.”

  That was all I needed, Garrett’s dirty mouth, the heat of his body as he gripped my knees, gaze searing into me. I came with a hoarse gasp, doing just what he’d told me to do, coating my stomach with my release.

  I collapsed, panting, and when I blinked open my eyes, there was no Garrett. Instead of his hands on my legs, there was only the cold air of my drafty apartment. Instead of his brown eyes, all that glared at me was the red light from the camera.

  A wave of heaviness washed over me, pushing me into the mattress, and I knew it was loneliness. Sure I watched porn and got off regularly, but this was…the sexiest I’d felt in ages. The most wanted. The most fucking excited. And it had all been because I’d been picturing a guy who was on the other side of the world.

  A guy I’d never meet because I was such a mess.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Garrett

  Dear Kai,

  I knew you were a dancer. I fucking knew it. The best part of watching you on Twitch is being able to see how you move. Maybe you don’t realize how graceful you are? Ha. Of course you do.

  Anyway, I’m sorry about your family. My situation isn’t the same, but my pops was a raging racist homophobe who cheated on my mom. He’s dead now though. That was supposed to make you feel better somehow. Can you tell I suck at communication?

  Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your trust in me. One thing I noticed when going through that damn Tumblr was that no one had personal information on you. You must be really smart about keeping your online and real life separate. It’s good. Oh, uh, that’s the other thing about me—I’m usually weird about the Internet because I made a classic kid mistake when I was in high school. Got desperate and made plans to hook-up with a dude I’d connected with online. He’d turned out to be sort of crazy and wound up stalking me for a while. Nothing bad happened to me but it was scary at the time. It really put into perspective how dangerous it can be to trust the wrong person. But whatever. Enough about me.

  I haven’t watched your vids because I didn’t know if you’d want me to. Do you?

  —G

  The message fired off before my shift in the vehicle bay. For the next several hours, I was hung up on Kai’s potential response as I rotated tires, did some engine maintenance, and refueled the vehicles for the convoy. I barely tasted any of the food I shoveled in my face in the mess hall, didn’t feel the tepid water of my shower, and nearly busted my ass trying to hurry to my tent once the day was over.

  I’d told some of the other guys I’d play a basketball game with them in the evening, but I couldn’t stop fixating on the email long enough to actually make it to the makeshift court. Did Kai want me to watch his videos? I wanted him to say yes even though me seeing him get off was weirdly one-sided. But what if he’d said yes, and I’d been AWOL for hours, and now he thought I was avoiding him?

  That was the kind of shit that went through my mind all day likely because I was insecure, and it would have been my reaction.

  Kai’s response was brief: Sure, I’m not ashamed. Here’s the link to one you might like that I never uploaded for my subscribers. Password is RedPandasRule.

  My fingers dashed against the keyboard so fast XXXTube’s URL seemed to have materialized in the address bar by magic.

  Breath catching and heart stuttering, I logged into my account and found Kai’s second Internet persona. Gaymer Twink.

  Mouth dry, I scrolled through and saw videos dating back for a couple of years but they were all solo videos. No second party. No one else touching Kai. Except for the video he’d just uploaded, his latest was from a year ago.

  My relief was another in a long line of red flags.

  With my dick already half-hard and adrenaline raging on a level usually reserved for patrols and exploring unfamiliar terrain, I clicked on the password-protected video.

  I stared with my mouth ajar and my erection throbbing, but I didn’t touch it. I didn’t move an inch. I just watched as he clutched the headboard behind him, thrusting into his tightly gripping hand, and went from stoic to caught in the throes of an obvious fantasy.

  What was he thinking about? It had to be good for his eyes to close that tight, his brows to bunch up, and his lower lip to get caught up in his gritting teeth. At one point he spread his legs wider and leaned back, and I could see everything. Those smooth leanly muscled thighs, his balls, and the thick erection that was damp from pre-cum.

  “Jesus.” I undid my cargo pants. “Fuck yeah, Kai.”

  I couldn’t focus on any one point on his body, so I replayed the video over and over while clutching my cock. Watching his agonized expression, desperately trying to hear the hitches in his breathing, the aborted little moans, and watching as his stomach sank in as he inhaled sharply and released a load all over his body.

  How would it feel to touch that sticky skin? To lick him clean? Or slick my own dick with his cum? Press the head of my cock to his hole and come all over his ass. Or press inside and feel his muscles clamping around me. Milking me. Jesus. I’d fuck him so hard. Shove his thighs apart and give him every inch of my dick, and every ounce of my sexual frustration, because it’d been almost two years since I’d been inside someone, and I needed it. Needed him.


  My brain short-circuited when I came. Lights exploded in front of my eyes. I was pretty sure I would never be a functional human being again.

  Just to make that one hundred percent—I drank some water, paced the tiny box I lived in, and watched again twenty minutes later.

  I set my laptop on the edge of my narrow bed, reenabled the webcam function, and rucked my pants down to mid-thigh. With the volume jacked up, Kai’s breathy moans and gasps boomed in my room: the soundtrack of Garrett Reid recording himself fucking his hand while watching Kai from beneath nearly closed eyelashes.

  I found myself whispering instructions I knew he wouldn’t follow through on, but I wanted him to show me his hole, to finger himself, and to say my name when he finished.

  By the time I’d rubbed myself raw and put myself into a mini coma, it was time for Kai to get up and my Gchat chimed loud enough to wake me.

  Kai: hey?

  Garrett: Hey.

  Kai: Are you okay?

  Garrett: Yup.

  Kai: Cool. :) Just wondering because you didn’t respond to my email.

  Shit. I’d spent three hours milking myself dry and hadn’t even had the decency to give the poor guy a reply. I was a fucking animal.

  Garrett: Oh uh I got distracted

  Kai: With what?

  Garrett: I had to do a bunch of shit on the base

  Kai: Oh.

  Garrett: And then I watched your videos.

  Kai: Oooh…Like more than the one I sent?

  Garrett: Yeah…and a couple more.

  A couple dozen.

  Garrett: Your XXXTube fans are just as intense as your Twitch Chat.

  Kai: OMG Garrett did you seriously spend the whole time reading the comments?

  Garrett: LOL. No. No I did not.

  Kai: Is it…strange that I want to hear your thoughts? That sounds weird. It’s just, you’ve been so cool about it up until now and I always expect people to judge, you know?

  Garrett: It’s not strange.

  What did I say? Did I tell him the truth? That he’d tapped into the wants and needs I’d buried for the entire time I’d been in the Army? To taste someone, and sink deep inside of them while strong hands gripped my sweaty back? Tell him it was impossible to not want him now that I knew how his voice went high and vulnerable when he came? That I thought he was beautiful?

  Nothing seemed safe.

  Garrett: I think it’s no wonder a bunch of strangers are so infatuated with you. You’re obviously doing it for the camera, and that’s what turns you on. That someone is watching.

  Kai: Sometimes it’s like you can read my mind.

  Garrett: Thank God you can’t read mine. Fuck. You’d never talk to me again.

  Kai: I hiiiiiiighly doubt that. Hiiiiighly.

  Garrett: Guttermind 24/7 for rest of my life tbh.

  Kai: LOL Well…I’d be kind of disappointed if you didn’t think dirty thoughts while watching my videos. That’s kinda the point, babe. If you didn’t get turned on, it means I wasn’t doing my job.

  Garrett: Uh, yeah, that wasn’t a problem.

  Several times three dots appeared as Kai typed, and stopped, and typed again. I wondered what he wanted to say. Typically, he fired off messages at a rapid-fire speed. But now? There was a lag between our replies.

  Kai: There is nothing I can say right now that won’t be super dirty sooo…

  Garrett: Is that a problem? I just fantasized about you for a solid few hours.

  Kai: What did you fantasize about?

  I licked my lips, shifting on the bed. Were we really going here?

  Garrett: Watching you. In person. Steady escalation from there.

  Kai: Escalation in increments? ;)

  Garrett: Yup. First I watch. Then I jerk off with you. Then we jerk each other. Then I kiss you.

  Kai: That seems like a de-escalation

  Garrett: Not the way I kiss.

  Kai: That…is…somehow the best thing you could have ever said to me. You hot bastard, you.

  Garrett: I try.

  Kai: You succeed

  Garrett: Maybe one day I can succeed in person.

  Where the hell had that come from? Before he could reply, my fingers were flying over the keyboard.

  Garrett: It’s way past lights out and I need to go. Kill some FWO noobs for me.

  Kai: Later! <3

  * * *

  Kai

  I’d fidgeted during the entire ride to the mall. The mall. For the love of God, I was going to the mall.

  I shuddered and reminded myself I was going for Garrett. He was going to be on the receiving end of the most awesome care package ever if I could get through this trip. Shawn had volunteered to come along.

  Sure, I could have ordered everything online but that felt like a cop-out. I wanted to hand pick everything in the hopes that it would absorb a little bit of whatever I was beginning to feel for him.

  I was being weird and sappy. But this was the best I could do since I’d probably never see the guy in person

  He thought I was brave, so I could go the fucking mall like a human, even if I’d nearly had a meltdown in the shower that morning. We were two hours later than we’d planned on leaving. Shawn had the patience of a saint.

  He glanced at me. “You okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I said quickly. Too quickly. “Thanks for coming with me.”

  “Sure, I don’t have anything better to do.”

  “It’s Saturday,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be, like, sharpening your basketball skills or making out or underage drinking?”

  Shawn laughed. “That’s funny, Kai.”

  I’d been serious.

  “This guy must be a big deal if you’re willing to go to the mall and buy him stuff.”

  A big deal. Yes, I guessed that was what Garrett was. Talking to him was the first regular human contact I’d had since I’d quit dancing. And he was the first guy to show interest in me, the real me, in about the same length of time.

  “Yeah, I guess he is.” I pulled out the list I’d made, and smoothed it out on my thigh. “So, I researched things to send in care packages. They recommend baby wipes? Like lots of baby wipes. What’s that about?”

  “I heard they use them to clean.”

  “Themselves?”

  “Yeah.”

  I wrinkled my nose. But then, picturing Garrett all dirty and sweaty was hot. Okay, I could work with that. “Anyway, I need to get him a stuffed dog, and some candy, and socks and shirts.” I had a couple of games I’d demo’d and never played anymore I planned to throw in the box. And maybe a note.

  As Shawn pulled into the massive parking lot, I took a deep breath. This was okay. I could do this. Social anxiety was something that had plagued me for as long as I could remember. But it’d always been manageable. When I was online, though, I didn’t feel my chest tighten or my shortening breaths. Everything was…easy online. And as my life had crumbled, I’d retreated online further and further until I could barely see my way out.

  In my apartment, at my desk, that was where I felt most like myself. Most in control. Out here? Not so much. But the thought of Garrett grounded me a little, kept me from losing my shit completely.

  I took a deep breath and unhooked my seatbelt after Shawn parked. He looked over at me. “Ready?”

  “Steady,” I muttered, and opened the door.

  The mall wasn’t as big as I remembered it. I wasn’t sure how long it’d been since I’d been there, but it’d been a bit, for sure. As I walked through it with Shawn at my side, I thought this wasn’t so bad. I held the paper clutched in my fist like a talisman because it reminded me of the reason I was here.

  Money wasn’t really an issue for me. I hadn’t spent much money at all over the last couple of years on anything except rent, utilities, and food. And I made…a lot of money. Even I found it ridiculous how much money I made playing video games so other people could watch. Having money was something I didn’t take for granted. As a kid, I’d hated bei
ng dependent on adults for money when they couldn’t give two shits about me. I’d started working as soon as I was old enough, and had never stopped. I’d promised myself I’d never be dependent on another person again. And so far, I’d kept that promise. Today, I was glad as hell I could spend some of my cash on Garrett.

  The first stop was a card store which had an entire wall of stuffed animals. I didn’t want to get a crappy kids’ one. I wanted the softest, cutest fucking stuffed dog I could find, damnit.

  Shawn—again, a freaking saint—waited patiently while I picked random stuffed dogs off the wall. They all got the pet and hug test. One was too small, another too big. One had coarse hair, another had curly hair that reminded me of pubes. I told that to Shawn and must have spoken a little too loudly because an old lady in the birthday card section gave me a death glare.

  Shawn snickered.

  Finally, I found the perfect stuffed dog. It was of indeterminate breed. Garrett had said he’d be a mutt. This one had a black leather collar, and a definite furrowed brow like he was scowling. Like a little pissed-off plush. But it had the softest damn fur I’d ever felt and was incredibly squeezable.

  “You have a huge smile on your face right now,” Shawn said as I paid for the dog.

  “That’s because this whole care package was make or break depending on whether I found the perfect stuffed animal,” I said as the cashier handed me the bag.

  “You’re weird,” Shawn said.

  “Yep.” I glanced at my list on our way out of the store. “Okay, department store is next.”

  In JCPenney’s, we bought socks and shirts—all suggested items for military care packages. I thought about getting him some boxers but decided that was maybe a little much.

  There were a lot of things that were on care package idea lists that I knew Garrett would not like. I was pretty sure if I bought him Sodoku, he’d try it, get irritated and then throw it across the room. I also figured he’d flip a board game and break it over his knee.