And I couldn’t handle it. Internally I was screaming, unsure what to do now that this large man was here, at my apartment, unannounced. Never mind what we’d done, what we’d shared, I wasn’t prepared for this in any way.
His smile began to fade, maybe because I looked like I’d just seen a ghost. This was the time for me to explain.
But all I could do was grip the door, suck in a deep breath, and slam it in his face.
As the echo of the slammed door reverberated around my apartment, my first thought was that I couldn’t take that back. I couldn’t ever change the fact that Garrett had come home from nine months in the desert, and the first time he’d seen me, I’d slammed the door in his face.
I wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but it hadn’t been that.
There was a thunk from the other side of the door, and I fisted my hands at my sides, closing my eyes. Half of me wanted him to walk away without another word and the other half wanted him to bust down the door. Force me. Force this. Anything to get past this mental block. I opened my eyes and stared at the doorknob. I could reach out, open the door, greet Garrett like a normal person, like nothing was wrong, but eventually he’d figure it out…
“So.” His deep voice rumbled through my door. “I’m guessing you don’t like surprises then.” A pause. “I wish you’d have warned me back when I mentioned showing up at your door, but I get it.”
Oh God, why was he so fucking cute and I was such a goddamn mess? My head hurt and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I swallowed, but couldn’t make my vocal cords work.
“I’m sorry, Kai.”
Fuck this was worse. He was apologizing even though he hadn’t done anything wrong other than try to surprise me. But despite his jokes, I’d never thought he’d actually just show up. Why wasn’t he cursing me out and walking away?
“I got your address from the care package you sent, and I thought I’d surprise you and…I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I expected you to leap into my arms naked and we’d stumble into your apartment and then lay in bed for two weeks.”
Okay, that sounded nice.
“But that wasn’t really fair, I guess. I should have given you a heads up. I should have asked what else you have going on in your life, because you have a life outside of me.”
Actually, I didn’t at all.
“Kai.”
I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t trust my voice to come out without breaking down into an ugly cry.
There was a heavy sigh and another thunk, like he was banging his forehead on the door. “Fuck, maybe I imagined there was more to this, to us, than what there was. Over there, everything is magnified and you became the reason I looked forward to the next day.”
It had been the same for me. The absence of our daily chats was why this feeling of desolation and panic had started to swarm over me in the past few days.
“I’ll back off, okay? I could get a room at the hotel down the road or I could just drive home, but….” Another pause and this time I could hear a sharp inhale. “Look, just let me know so I don’t hold onto hope. If there’s no shot just keep being silent. I’ll walk away. But if there is a fucking shot, give me a sign, baby. Rattle the knob or something. Then I’ll stay and I’ll wait for as long as I can.”
He was giving me a choice. Of course he was, because Garrett was amazing. I could reach out and rattle my doorknob and commit to…something. To being somewhat of a normal human for Garrett. For myself.
Or I could keep life status quo, and I’d stay alone in my apartment in my own little world. I’d be as happy as I’d been before I’d met Garrett. Except I knew I wouldn’t, not now that I knew how it felt to want someone and have him want me.
In the last couple of years, nothing had made me want to change my lifestyle. Not until now. Not until Garrett.
On the other side of the door, I heard a heavy sigh and knew there was limited time to make a decision. Even less once footsteps started down the hall. I imagined his broad shoulders slumped, his head forward, and his fingers scratching his stubbled chin. I imagined his heart aching like mine and that was something I couldn’t allow.
* * *
Garrett
What had I been thinking?
We’d joked about me popping up, but in retrospect I realized I’d joked and he’d blown it off. Just like he’d blown off my every mention of us meeting in person. How he’d never once wanted to make a plan or talk about our togetherness outside the world of Skype or Gchat. How he’d evaded my every mention.
He’d never actually given me his address either. I’d nabbed it from the label on the care package and had stupidly assumed he didn’t care if I knew.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Kai had once said not reading the comments was Internet 101 but for me? This was Internet 101. Never expect the person you’re chatting with to be the same person they are in real life. And it wasn’t always about catfishing. For all I knew, the Kai I’d fallen for was nothing but a persona. Maybe his in-person self was totally different from the person he’d been for me. Or maybe he was dating or had a relationship, and this had all been for fun.
Or maybe I’d jumped the gun by showing up at his door and he was fucking terrified of this monster of a 6-foot-4 dude looming in his doorway. What would I do to some guy if he’d shown up looking for my mother or sister unannounced? That was what had happened to me in high school after the creep I’d met in a chatroom had followed me home.
Fuck.
I’d screwed this up, and it was too late. He wasn’t going to give me a sign. I was lucky he wasn’t calling the cops. The best move was to get the hell out of Dodge before I freaked him out some more. Goddamn it. Goddamn me.
I’d been so desperate for a real connection that I’d built this moment up in my mind until it had become guaranteed perfection. A foregone conclusion of a happy ending.
Where had my cynicism gone? And damn Kai for drawing me out of my shell and making me fall in love with him. I’d never believed I could love someone I’d only met online, but I did. And it felt so real.
I wrapped my hand around the door handle leading to the staircase and just as I pulled it open, there was a sound behind me. I stopped in my tracks. A combination of knob rattling and pounding that reconnected the pieces of my breaking heart.
I didn’t dare backtrack. I stared at the exit door, and tried to think of the least intimidating thing I could do. The means of communication he’d always seemed most comfortable when talking to me.
I pulled out my phone.
Garrett: I’m sorry if I scared you. I got too caught up in my own head to realize how this could seem if it went wrong.
He didn’t respond, and I worried that I’d said the wrong thing.
Garrett: I didn’t think you’d give me a sign. Are you just being nice or is it too late?
Kai: I’m sorry.
The chime of my phone echoed in the hallway. Two words. They weren’t much, but they were something. I breathed out a sigh of relief. This was working.
Garrett: Don’t be. It’s my fault. I was assuming a lot. I’m…okay if we stay like this. Talking online rather than f2f. I waited for months to see you. I can wait longer.
Kai: Why are you doing this for me? Why aren’t you just walking away and finding someone who won’t slam a door in your face?
Garrett: If you don’t know the answer to that, then you haven’t been paying attention.
One step at a time, I retraced my path until I was in front of his door again. I stood to the side of it instead of standing in front of the peephole like I was expecting to waltz right in, and slid my back along the wall until I was sitting on the floor.
Garrett: So, do you want to hear a funny story?
Kai: …is it about a guy who had an anxiety attack and slammed a door in your face because he’s terrified of being a huge disappointment in real life?
“That’s not fucking possible, Kai.”
The words were
booming into the hallway before I remembered my plan to keep it to text. Keep it on the level we’ve had for months. That comfort zone that had allowed me to get past the walls he threw up on Twitch while the world was watching.
Garrett: So right before I left, Costigan came out to me as being…not-straight?
Kai: What???
Garrett: I know. I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say much. He wants to keep in contact because he only lives a couple hours away from here. I don’t think he realizes I live in Rickston and not Philly, but whatever.
Kai: Um. Are you going to meet up with him?
His unease emanated through the door. It hadn’t been my intention to make him jealous, but goddamn if my heart didn’t do a somersault and my hope didn’t expand to the size of the sun.
Garrett: I told him I have someone I’m trying to woo, but said we could maybe be friends. I thought it was a good evasion since I’m not sure if I can kick it with a dudebro who goes into Hetero Panic after being attracted to a guy.
Kai: Ugh. Yeah. No.
Garrett: But theeen we wound up on the same flight.
Kai: No way.
Garrett: We did. And he conned some old lady to switch seats with him by flashing his goddamn charming smile and hiking up his stupid sunglasses. He ambushed me and didn’t give me a choice, which is sort of what I did to you just now, isn’t it?
Kai: …I…just tell me what happened, okay? I want to pretend we’re not weirdly texting from two feet away.
I chuckled softly and rapped my knuckles against the door. I’d give him space, but I refused to pretend I wasn’t here. Even if he wasn’t by my side, he was near me. He was real.
Garrett: So, he launched into this whole…monologue about being bicurious and how rough it is, and how he always got so much pussy he never gave a guy another look until he was trapped around nothing but guys nonstop, and how his worldview has expanded.
Kai: He did this ON THE PLANE?
Garrett: Yup. In his loud NYC accent. Everyone around us was gaping at these two giant guys in Army fatigues gabbing away about dick. Well, he was gabbing. I was reading Game Informer.
Kai’s laugh rang out, and I laughed in response. It was as infectious as it’d been over Skype, and it was right in my ear. What I wouldn’t give to be telling this story while he was curled up on my lap or pressed into my side after we’d kissed each other breathless.
Garrett: I told him about you.
Kai: That…you met some freakish cam boy on a video game?
Garrett: Can you stop insulting yourself? I could very easily start being self-deprecating about the fact that I stormed over here like I was on a fucking mission, and never considered the thought of how terrifying it might be to have some huge soldier dude at your door unexpectedly. I could be a psycho for all you know. Or an obsessive stalker in the making. I’d break someone’s neck if they did this to my sister. It’s the kind of thing that freaked me out as a kid.
Kai: I’m not afraid of you hurting me…I’m just…not…
There was a long pause, and I waited for another message to come through.
Kai: I just wish I was who you think I am.
Garrett: Just because there’s parts of you that you’ve kept secret doesn’t mean it was all a lie. I never told you that I’m completely closeted, have I?
Kai: No. You’re not even out to friends?
Garrett: Uh, I don’t have friends. Just my sister and mom. And you. Maybe Costigan.
Kai: I want you to be besties with Costigan.
Garrett: Heh. We’ll see.
As long as we didn’t talk about the reality of what was happening, Kai was fine. He caught me up on the events of Chat, and the drama amongst his moderators who argued over using the banhammer on people who went too far with the hate or lewd comments. There was also news of FWO—they’d put level restrictions on certain dungeons to prevent high levels from camping rooms just to farm materials when lower-level players needed them for experience and quests.
I was thrilled and Kai was bummed. We had a good laugh over that.
If it weren’t for the location—a drafty hallway—and the sudden heaviness in my bones, I could have kept it up for hours. But my flight had been long, and I’d barely kissed my mother and sister hello, or eaten my favorite meal of lasagna, before jumping in my rusty Bronco and driving over an hour to get to Kai’s place in Philly. I hadn’t even had a cheesesteak yet.
Weary didn’t begin to describe it. I was exhausted.
At one point, I used my backpack as a pillow and lay down. Some kid and his mom stopped and gawked at me, staring between me and Kai’s door. The kid opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but his mom tugged him inside their apartment before he was able to speak. I didn’t budge. I was fading fast even while struggling to keep this chat session going.
There must have been a point when I fell asleep, because all at once, I found myself jerking backward against the wall as something soft touched me. My eyes flew open in alarm, and my combat instincts and paranoia swelled to the surface, but it wasn’t an enemy combatant. Or a horny tour homo trying to get my pants down.
It was Kai.
He was crouched beside me, one hand frozen against my shoulder, with blue eyes that were rounded in his gorgeous pale face, and pillowy lips that were parted with surprise.
“I—” For the second time that day, blood drained from his face. “You—you stopped responding. And I thought—”
I didn’t move a muscle. I just laid against the wall with his hand on me.
“I thought maybe you’d left me. I mean left.” Kai sucked in a ragged breath. “I peeked out to check, and you were asleep. And you’re so…you looked so…I couldn’t stop myself.”
Slowly, I reached up and touched his wrist. His skin was smooth and cool, and I wanted very fucking badly to pull him against me and warm him up. But I didn’t. I was too afraid to startle him and sending him fleeing back into his apartment like a spooked gazelle.
So instead, I dropped my hand and reached into my backpack. He watched my every move, and when I drew out a small red panda, the absurdity of asking my sister to order it from Amazon a couple of weeks earlier was worth it.
Kai’s eyes crinkled at the side. He pressed his hand over his mouth before laughing so loudly, I was sure it must have drawn the attention from his curious neighbors.
“Kai,” I said softly. “Will you hug me?”
He kissed me.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Kai
Garrett didn’t react to the press of my lips. Which was good because I was just as surprised as him. Between seeing those brown eyes in person for the first time and that damn panda, a kiss was the only response that made sense.
For a moment, we were frozen in a lip-lock that felt like something out of a middle school dance, because our eyes were wide open and our lips weren’t moving. Then Garrett made a soft sound in his throat, and his fingers flexed where they gripped my biceps. After that, there was nothing chaste about the kiss. I held his face, his stubble prickling my palms, and swept my tongue into his willing mouth.
He tilted his head, aligning our noses, and kissed me back.
It was like the floodgates opened. Although I’d been hesitant to be touched after so long, this wasn’t just some man. This was Garrett. He hadn’t walked away; he’d fallen asleep outside my doorstep while waiting for me. Everything about his touch, his mouth, his scent felt natural.
This was what was supposed to happen between us.
I straddled him, and his hands migrated quickly from my biceps down to clutch my ass. He tugged, grinding his hardness into mine. In about fifteen seconds, we’d gone from a middle school kiss to post-prom making out in public. To try to get my bearings, I slapped a hand on the wall beside his head and pulled away.
Garrett followed me, lips puckered, before his eyes slid open.
“We’re in the hallway of my apartment building.”
He looked around, b
row furrowed, as if reminding himself of our location.
“All I’m saying is we need to get inside.”
“I need to get inside you,” he said, voice low and thick as he dropped kisses along my jaw.
“That too, but we’re not doing anything until we’re inside my apartment.”
“Got it.”
Before I could climb off Garrett’s lap, we were airborne. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he rose to his full height, which was in the nose-bleed section. With his hands under my ass, Garrett still managed to turn the doorknob, then kick his backpack through the open door before stepping inside. The door slammed shut behind him with another kick of his booted foot.
Dipping his head into my neck, he mumbled something I couldn’t hear.
“What?”
Garrett pulled back so he could see me, and I curled my hands in the hair at the back of his head.
“Tell me if you want to go slow. I’d rather know now before I get…into it.”
I gripped tighter with my thighs and jerked a thumb over my shoulder. “My bedroom is right down the hall.”
“Oh thank fucking Christ.”
Garrett managed to navigate my tiny apartment with his tongue in my mouth, and I wasn’t complaining.
I wanted him naked. I wanted to run my hands all over tanned skin and ripped muscles I’d only seen through a sketchy Skype call.
Garrett dropped me onto the bed, and braced himself above me. “Kissing you is even better than I imagined, and trust me, I imagined a lot.”
I ran my fingers up his veined forearms and hard biceps, enjoying the feel of a flesh-and-blood man in my bed rather than just my fantasies. When I reached his shoulders, I tugged and he collapsed on top of me, slotting his hips between my legs. He ground down, the hard zipper of his jeans pressing against my cock through the thin cotton of my sweatpants.
“Shit,” I whispered. “Get naked.”
Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1) Page 12