MitchMatch: whattaaaa nub
BoricuaX1: kill him again imo
Garvy: that’s sad.
Kai cocked his head to the side. “Guys, should I mentor him?”
BoricuaX1: fuck that dude, yo
KinderKid: NOOOOoOOOoo
TimTamIt: no. let him die.
A bark of laughter ripped from my mouth. I considered my mood improved.
The laptop clicked shut, and I was out the door of my tent within minutes. For the past couple of months it had been harder and harder to focus on my work when I was yearning for Kai’s voice and jokes. I wondered if that craving would cease when he was really in my life. Once we were more than pixelating images constantly disrupted by the satellite that could never hold a signal. Somehow, I didn’t think so.
Something told me we’d be amazing together. But I was also cynical enough to know I was thinking with a hopeful heart and an eager dick, and ignoring all the ways this could go wrong.
For the first time in weeks, I was afraid of the future. I had real employment options waiting for me—things I’d been unaware of in the past when I’d spent my enlistment working as a mechanic on US bases. Now, I knew how to go beyond that. I’d apply to companies like Caterpillar or Navistar, and get my real life together.
What did scare me was the possibility of Kai not wanting me in person. Of him realizing how stoic I could be. How I tended to hold things close to the vest. How overprotective and paranoid I got sometimes. When he realized that I’d fallen in love with him via the Internet while across the world.
I was exactly the kind of person I’d always mocked, but…when I looked in his eyes and his guard was down, I could tell he felt it too.
“We gotta stop meeting like this.”
“Fuck, Costigan!”
I’d only been in the shop for a few minutes when his voice had rung out. I scooted myself from beneath the vehicle I was working on, and glared up at him. Being on my back while he leered down at me wasn’t ideal, but I refused to show my discomfort.
“You like the view from down there?”
It was tempting to send my boot slamming up between his thighs to crush his nuts, but the very idea made my own eyes tear. I flipped him off.
“What you need, man?”
“Just a chat.” Costigan gripped my forearm, fingers digging in tightly, and hauled me up. “Seriously, Reid. We’re out of here soon and I don’t want us to part ways on a bad note.”
Taking a step back, I took stock of Costigan and didn’t get the sense he was messing with me. Usually I could tell when he was in the mood to lure me into a fight. His tells were the slight tilt of his lip, the set of his shoulders, and this smartass cock to his head. Now? He was curling his hands into loose fists and bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“First off, I wanted to fuckin’ apologize.” Costigan’s eyes flew around the area similar to the way mine had earlier. “It’s not easy, man. I ain’t never messed with another dude before enlisting, and you was the first.”
I arched an eyebrow. That was news to me. His eyes had lit up as soon as I’d slyly mentioned hearing about guys who jerked each other off to relieve some tension, and he hadn’t hesitated to grab my dick once I’d flicked on the porn.
“And, you know, I started looking forward to seeing you and you obviously just wanted to fuck around.”
“Wait, what the hell?”
Costigan sneered. “I was catchin’ feelings for your dumb ass, and you could barely bring yourself to say two words to me. Then Ramirez caught me eyeballing you one day, and he started bragging about how he used to tap your ass when you were both deployed in Iraq.”
There were no words in my vocabulary that could form a reasonable response to what he was saying. It was too unbelievable, and completely mismatched the idea I’d formed about him in my head.
“Long story short since you obviously are just annoyed that I’m talking to you at all,” he drawled. “I was jealous so I acted like a fucking dick, and I’m sorry.”
“It’s…okay.” I shook myself. “It’s fine. You should have said something.”
Hope flared in his eyes, and he moved a step closer. “Maybe we could hang out when we get back? Philly is only a two-hour drive from Staten Island.”
“Uh.”
He held up his hands. “Only if you want to, man. I’m not trying to be pushy. I’ve just never been friends with another dude who’s into dudes before, and I’d like to keep in touch.”
Did I want to be friends with Costigan? Maybe. He hadn’t been so bad before his descent into asshole town.
“We could keep in touch but you should know that I have someone I’m trying to get serious with at home,” I said. “So it’d end there.”
“I got no problem with that.” Maybe not, but the disappointment was illustrated by the tight set of Costigan’s mouth. “Here, I’ll give you my email.”
We exchanged information and he gave me a rough slap on the back before putting his aviators in place. I started to turn away, but he grabbed my upper arm.
“Don’t blow me off, Reid. We’re only here for the rest of this week.”
I froze. “What?”
“Yeah, man. We just got the orders and word about our flight. You better go pack your shit.”
Costigan gave me a little salute and strode off, but I stood rooted to the ground for a beat later before sprinting back to my tent.
Hey Kai,
Guess what? I’ll be home sooner than expected! Apparently we’re out of here by the end of the week. I’m e-mailing you now because I’m packing up. So what that means is no laptop until I’m home.
I can’t wait to be back in PA, and I can’t wait to see you.
—Garrett
* * *
Kai
“There,” I said, straightening Shawn’s bow tie. “You’re all set.”
He smoothed down his tux jacket. “You sure?”
“Positive. You look great! Keandra will totally put out.”
He rolled his eyes. “Stop, Kai.”
“Okay, fine,” I huffed. “Just saying.”
He was still eyeing me, and I pointedly ignored the elephant in the room. He’d officially accepted his full scholarship offer to Arizona a week ago, so he’d be leaving me in the fall. Okay, he was going to get a college degree and kick ass in NCAA sports. But because I was pathetic as hell, my brain only summarized the whole thing as being left behind. And what was ultra pathetic was that he clearly knew how sad I was about it. He’d hesitated to tell me his news—which should have been happy—because he’d been too worried about my feelings.
Shawn had seen through my attempts to force excitement. He knew I was losing my only friend.
Well, not my only friend. There was Garrett. Who was coming home soon, according to the email I’d received a few days ago and hadn’t answered, which meant the end of that friendship as soon as he found out how fucking worthless I was. The very idea had tightened my chest and took my breath away—a feeling that had exacerbated with each passing day. Even now, I was struggling to play normal for Shawn while internally I was bracing for the moment I had to tell Garrett that I wasn’t the outgoing, socially functional person he’d thought I was.
“Kai?”
I refocused on Shawn, who was now looking at me with a bit of concern. Great, so now I was bringing everyone down. Fuck my life.
“So,” I said with forced cheer. “Ready to show your mom?”
He gave me a look, like, don’t think you’re getting away with that. “Don’t be sad.”
“I’m not sad!”
“What’s going on with Army Guy?”
The tightness in my chest tripled. “He’s coming home soon.”
Shawn grew quiet. I was grateful he understood why this posed a huge dilemma in my life. “So he doesn’t know you…”
“Don’t leave my apartment?”
“You went to the mall one time!�
��
“Yeah, and I almost got in a fight at GameStop, and then I couldn’t function for a whole day after that. I had, like, a zillion messages when I finally emerged from my blanket fort.”
“Oh,” Shawn said, lips drawing down at the sides.
I threw up my hands. “Why are we talking about me? This day is about you and prom, and that tux.”
He took the hint and allowed the subject change. “I do look kinda fly, huh?”
“Kinda!” I protested. “Your date will be the envy of all those other high school bitches.”
“Oh God. You do the most.”
I clapped him on the back. “Let’s head out and show your mom.”
Toni had just gotten off a twelve-hour shift at the clinic and would be off to her second job soon, but had made time to see Shawn off to prom. Despite her long hours, I’d met her often enough to have become incredibly comfortable in her presence. Although as we walked into the living room, I realized she wasn’t the only one home.
Her boyfriend, Travis—the lazy piece of shit who didn’t work and consumed all the food in Shawn’s apartment whenever he showed up—was also there. I hated him. I was pretty sure Toni only put up with him because she didn’t want to be alone. It was sad, but it didn’t stop me from hating Travis. Travis the gigantic waste of space.
His watery eyes shifted to us as we stopped in front of the couch, drifting over Shawn before shooting right to me. I had only been in his presence twice before, and every time, he stared at me like he wanted to suck out my soul. His very presence heightened the growing anxiety in my gut, and the panic clawing at my throat.
Trying to ignore him, I nudged Shawn with my elbow. He cleared his throat, and Toni looked up with a brilliant smile.
“Oh honey, you look amazing!”
Shawn grinned back. “You think so?”
She stood up, groaning slightly with a hand at her lower back. “Yeah, I know so.” She stepped forward and ran her hands over Shawn’s shoulders. “So handsome.”
“What’re you doing here?” Travis said to me. It took me a moment to realize he was drunk. How had I missed the empty beer bottle cluster at his feet?
The anxiousness transcended my core until my hands shook. I shoved them in the back pockets of my jeans, but it didn’t change the situation. I hated Travis’ stare and voice. Everything about him. If it wasn’t for Shawn, I would have been out of there so fast, I would have burned carpet.
“Don’t you want to compliment Shawn on how nice he looks?”
Travis belched. “Nah, I wanna know why you’re here.”
Were there hidden cameras somewhere? This was like a scene from a sitcom. Or an after school special.
All of my interactions with people besides Shawn and Toni were almost always negative. Was it me? Was I not likable to people beyond my bubble? Or maybe I was so out of sync with reality that it was obvious I was different. I didn’t know, but I was losing my ability to breathe evenly.
“I was helping Shawn get ready.”
“Oh yeah? Pretty sure he doesn’t need help putting his pants on.” He turned to Toni. “Did you know Shawn brings this fucking fag into his room? The shit you let go on is insane. If he were my kid I’d have called the cops on this pervert after day one.”
Toni gasped, Shawn growled, and I…was paralyzed. Implying I was a pedophile was just about the worst insult anyone could hurl at me. I wished I was the type of person to let things roll off my back, but I wasn’t. I never had been. I froze up when faced with conflict.
All at once, the warning signs culminated and bowled me over. My vision went wonky and the pressure on my chest turned vice-like. There was an odd sound, and it wasn’t until Shawn’s face came into focus, and his mouth moved soundlessly, that I realized the sound was coming from me—a high pitched whine that drowned out anything else.
At that point, my ears unclogged. The first thing was “911”, and I nearly nearly crumpled to the floor. “No! Whatever you do, do not call…anyone!”
I panted as Shawn held onto me, his fingers gripping my biceps. “Kai, what the fuck, are you having another panic attack?”
Yes, yes I was. But I’d get over it. I always did.
I sucked in deep breaths and tried to focus on Shawn’s face, on the concern in his eyes, and the lack of insults being thrown at me from Travis. All I heard was silence and all I felt was the tight grip Shawn had on my forearms. Three more deep breaths, and a measure of stability returned even though my breathing was still erratic and my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest to rattle on the floor.
At that point I felt brave enough to glance over my shoulder but only Toni remained in the room. She was standing beside the couch, arms wrapped around herself as she shifted her weight from foot to foot.
“Where’s, um…”
“I kicked him out,” Toni said. “Called him a cab. No one talks to you like that in my home. I didn’t realize…I’m so sorry, Kai. He’s never been that drunk around me before, and I’ve never heard him use hate speech while sober.”
“It’s okay,” I said.
“No!” she said sharply. “It’s not. You’re a good friend to Shawn and you’re there for him when I’m not. I know you’ve never once been inappropriate. The very implication is disgusting.”
“Kai,” Shawn interrupted. “Want to get back to your apartment? I can stay with you—”
“No.” I pitched my voice as low and firm as I could. “Definitely not. You have to meet Keandra.”
“But—”
“I’ll be fine!” I said, louder than I meant to. Shawn released me but continued to hover. “Please, you need to enjoy prom.”
Shawn didn’t look happy but I didn’t care. He had a life that he needed to enjoy. I wasn’t going to be dead weight holding him back.
I reached out and hugged him, feeling the adrenaline in my body begin to release. I was going to crash in minutes and needed to get back to my apartment before my muscles gave out. “Have a great time. Take lots of pictures, okay?”
Shawn sighed. “Yeah, of course.”
“Thanks for, uh…yeah, thanks,” I said, waving at Toni.
“You need anything, you knock,” she offered.
I would never do that. “Sure, I will.”
In three strides, I was at their door. Two strides took me across the hall. And then I was in my apartment. I lost count of the steps but thank God for muscle memory because seconds later I was in my bed and clutching my pillow as I gave into the blackness sweeping over me.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Kai
I was on my Twitch stream playing FWO, but my head wasn’t in it. Chat noticed immediately.
CherryCakes: Kai, you okay?
Garvy: What’s up, man? Maybe you should eat something.
KinderKid: Yeah, a protein bar!
MitchMatch: Protein bars taste like ass.
BoricuaX1: dude, you’re an ass. Shut ur face before Garvy times u out again
I smiled for the first time in nearly a week. Since the previous day, I’d replayed Travis’s words in my head over and over until I was sick. Did other people see my friendship with Shawn this way? Was that why those guys at the mall had given us those weird looks and spat the word boyfriend so nastily? Maybe they hadn’t been homophobes—maybe they’d been creeped out by our age difference. Was it so creepy for an adult man to be friends with a teen? We weren’t very far apart in age, and Shawn’s mother had always been supportive…
But maybe it was creepy, and I was so removed from reality that I couldn’t tell anymore. It seemed like this was the year for everything to come together and force me to realize just how badly I’d fucked myself by pulling away from the outside world. My only friend was a kid, and the best relationship I’d had in years, or ever, had developed online and would have to stay that way until Garrett realized it wouldn’t go anywhere.
It was probably time to do something about it. Force myself to see a doctor like Shawn had su
ggested. I could recognize that I had some form of social anxiety, but it had never occurred to do anything about it. For years, I’d assumed I was a weirdo who had trouble making friends and connecting with people, and nobody in my family had ever said anything different. Even when counselors in school had subtly suggested I should get evaluated for counseling, my aunts and uncles had brushed it off. It’d been too much trouble when they had their own kids to worry about. Things hadn’t gotten really bad until I’d started dancing, and then I’d cowered in my apartment until the real world had become nothing but a pit of vipers.
Shawn had been the first person to mention a psychiatrist, but going to a doctor meant…leaving my bed. And talking to a stranger about everything. And he’d probably ask what I did for a living and wasn’t that a fucking ball of fun. Explaining the fact that I made my living off donations, subscriptions, and playing video games was a nightmare unless it was someone in the industry.
No thanks.
Normally, I’d talk to Garrett, but after that email letting me know he’d be coming home in a week, he’d disappeared. I didn’t know if it was because they’d packed up and shipped out, or if he was already back home and readjusting. Even though I didn’t know what to say about his homecoming, I needed to hear from him like I needed air.
There was a knock at my door. It was probably Shawn. If I didn’t answer, he’d freak out and call the police. He’d been sending me worried messages all morning.
“Sorry Chat,” I said, donning my best smile. “Gotta cut out early.”
I gave them a wave, watched the concerned messages scroll, then logged off.
I had on a pair of sweatpants, but no shirt, so I pulled on a hoodie and left it unzipped. At my front door, I unlocked each lock, slung it open, and opened my mouth to tell Shawn that I was fine.
But it wasn’t Shawn standing there.
It took my brain a minute to catch up, to recognize that the muscular form standing in the hallway outside my apartment was a smiling Garrett Reid. He wore a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, a jacket fisted in one hand, and a tan duffel at his feet.
Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1) Page 11