The article was three pages long, and after a while, the strained quality left Kai’s voice, and he inserted his own opinions and commentary between each sentence. His body was still wound tight, and his face was still drained of color, but he seemed to have traded awareness of the people around us for the words and pictures in the glossy pages.
“How’d you know that would help me?” Kai asked as we left the store with way more bags than we could carry comfortably. “Are you, like, sexy soldier slash secret psychiatrist?”
“No. I just felt like a dick for putting you in this situation, and I was desperate for something to distract you. I’m glad it worked.”
“Me too.” We paused outside the store with the shopping cart still containing our bags. Kai looked up at me, his smile bigger than it’d been since we’d left the house. “You know, it fucking sucks that I’m like this, but it’s sort of awesome that you get it. That you get me. And that you try to help.”
“Try,” I scoffed. “Trying isn’t succeeding.”
“But you did succeed.” Kai gestured at himself with a dry laugh. “I’m a hot mess but I didn’t have a panic attack. It may not seem like enough to you but it means a hell of a lot to know that…you’re paying attention, and you get it, and you can help me to feel safe.”
It was the most perfect thing he could have ever said to me, and it still cut through my heart like a knife. “Kai, I—” Could I really do this? Was I really going to do this? “Kai, when we get home we need to talk, okay?”
“Um.” Kai searched my face. “That doesn’t sound—”
“Well, look here. It’s the pedophile.”
My head snapped up, and Kai didn’t even have to identify the guy in front of me. Somehow I just knew the corny-looking motherfucker was Travis.
“What the fuck did you say?” Travis had been so focused on Kai that he’d somehow failed to notice me on the other side of the cart. When he did, some of the bravado fled his expression, but not quite. I stepped moved closer. “You wanna repeat that?”
“Garrett—” Kai’s words choked off. “Let’s just—”
“What’s this? Your boyfriend?” Travis directed the words to Kai, but he hadn’t taken his eyes off me. “Maybe you should tell your boyfriend how you like to spend time with little boys.”
The first shove sent Travis stumbling, but it didn’t wipe the twisted smirk from his face. There was a glaze in his eyes, a glaze familiar to the one my father had had when he got mean, which told a story that started and ended with booze.
“Shawn’s almost as big as me,” I said, my voice a low growl. “You’re just a scumbag who thinks all queers are sickos.”
“Heh.” Travis jerked his chin at me. “Aren’t you?”
Just like with Costigan, I didn’t plan to raise my hands, but it happened. My fist cracked against his jaw and he fell onto his ass, stunned. I took another step toward him, fully prepared to put his lights out, but Kai wrapped his hands around my upper arm and jerked me back.
“Don’t! He’ll call the cops or something!”
“No he won’t,” I growled, jerking away. “He won’t want to admit he got the shit kicked out of him by a faggot.”
“Garrett, stop.” Kai’s voice was authoritative, but I could hear a hint of panic as well.
It hit me then that if I fought Travis, or kicked his ass, we’d be subjected to a growing crowd, and potentially police. Police who would corner and question us, and I wouldn’t put it past them to be dickbags about the fact that Kai and I were a couple. And I wouldn’t be able to put a hurting on a cop if they got homophobic.
I jabbed a warning finger at Travis. “If you even look at him again, I will fucking end you. And you won’t see me coming.”
Travis was still holding his jaw, and staring after me in shock, when Kai forced me around and drew me away.
* * *
Kai
The adrenaline flooding through my system was enough to fuel a herd of elephants. Garrett was still vibrating beside me, his strides so long I had to jog a couple of times to keep up.
I looked behind us, but we’d turned a corner, so there was no Travis. No spectators to watch the fallout from that episode. Garrett’s eyes were still stormy, and his face so hard that I worried it would crack.
I reacted the least appropriate way possible.
I laughed.
I laughed so hard, I nearly dropped the three dozen eggs Garrett had insisted on buying. My knees buckled and I had to hold out a hand to brace myself on a wall.
Garrett peered at me, seeming concerned until he realized I was laughing, not crying. Annoyance shaded his expression as he stood there with his arms loaded with bags while I struggled to get myself together. “You done?”
My bags were at my feet so I clutched my chest as the laughter subsided. “You…” I gasped. “You totally humiliated him.”
“Of course. He probably got a boner thinking about how pretty you were and had to prove his heterodouchiality by being a dick.”
“Oh stop, I doubt it.”
“Whatever. I call it like I see it.” Garrett flexed his hand around the plastic bags. “Are you pissed that I went into overprotective mode again?”
“No. Maybe I should be, but I can’t deny that…it was nice. I’ve always been on my own. Always. My family pretended like I wasn’t there, and I didn’t have many friends until I started dancing.”
Garrett’s face did that falling thing it always did when he felt bad for me. I blew out a breath, my shoulders sagging as the adrenaline left my body in a rush.
“Let’s head back.”
He hesitated for a minute, then resumed walking without a word. I knew he was thinking of what to say and turning everything over in his head.
When we got back to my apartment, I put away the cold groceries, then led him to the bathroom with an order for him to sit on the toilet. I ran disinfectant wipes over his knuckles, which he allowed with a little sigh of annoyance.
“Look,” I said. “Travis is gross and I don’t want his grossness on you.” I held up his knuckles. “See? The skin is split.”
“He had a bony face.”
I threw away the wipes and stepped between his spread legs, running my hand over his cheekbones, remembering the time he’d appeared on Skype all bruised. “All of that could have gone very wrong today.”
“Babe, it went plenty wrong.”
I laughed. “No, it could have been way worse. I could have had a meltdown in the store, but I didn’t. You paid attention to me, and knew when I’d reached my limit. And even when Travis came along, I didn’t freak out. Maybe because I was worried about you getting arrested for ripping his dick off and shoving it up his ass.”
Garrett’s laugh rang out in the bathroom. “I only punched him. I should get a medal of honor for my restraint.”
“I recognize that this is warped thinking,” I said. “But you sticking up for me makes me feel safe. Protected. Maybe I should be, like, horrified at violence and all, ‘I can take care of myself,’ but the thing is, I can’t always take care of myself.” I steeled myself for the words that would come next—the words that showed there were times when I really did need someone. “It’s like this. I know my limits. I know out there,” I pointed in the general direction of the front door, “is not a place I’m comfortable. I’ve built my life around being in here.” I directed my finger to the floor. “I’m glad I feel safe with you, but there’s still a lot I need to deal with.”
“Have you ever…considered seeing a counselor?”
“Before you showed up? No.”
“No?” he echoed me. “Never?”
I looked into the face that meant more to me than anything else, the face that made me want to learn how to live in the world again. “I just…always assumed I have anxiety. I obviously WebMD’d that shit. I never bothered because my coping mechanism was…”
“Avoidance.”
“But now I have a reason not to be like this. You. So we
can work up to it now. Little bit by little bit. We can go to that grocery store and places around my apartment.” I was bursting at the seams thinking this plan could work. Just maybe. Courage building in my chest like wildfire. “And I can work up to bigger things like…going home to see your family.”
I stopped talking with what I was sure was a dopey grin on my face. I’d expected Garrett to be happy at this proclamation, to say, “Hell yes, Kai!” and hug me and then screw me on the bathroom floor to celebrate.
But he went ashen. “Shit, Kai, I—”
My stomach dropped, dread curling like vines around that surge of courage, choking it. Maybe the grocery store had been a wakeup call for him. Maybe he’d realized how hard it would be to be with me…
His voice was ragged when he spoke. “I’m going to have to get a job out of state.”
One minute I’d been sweating, the next I thought I’d been dumped in an ice bath. The air left my lungs and I barely managed to get out, “What do you mean?”
“The jobs I’m qualified for, the ones that pay the best with room for advancement aren’t in this state. They aren’t even on the east coast.”
I’d known he might not be able to find a job in Philly. But out of state? Not even on the east coast? That wasn’t what I’d anticipated. It was like I was on a roller coaster, and my body could not deal. I didn’t know what I needed to do, but I knew it wasn’t staying in this bathroom, staring into Garrett’s eyes.
The walls were closing in on me, and they were all covered in spikes, and holy shit, I couldn’t breathe. I staggered out of the bathroom, groping blindly, needing air or vodka or a pillow to scream into.
They aren’t even on the east coast. They aren’t even on the east coast.
Visions of my life loomed before me—catching fleeting glimpses of Garrett on days here and there. Never living together, never anything long-term, only his pixelated image on Skype.
“Kai, wait—”
I reached my bedroom—our bedroom, damnit, it’d always be ours—with him right behind me. It was hard to shove the window open with shaking hands, but I managed even though the cool air did nothing to bring a sense of calm.
We sat like that for several moments, him behind me and me sagging against the windowsill, until I reached for his hand. His touch grounded me just like it had at the store, and that was emphasized when he pulled me onto his lap. The thrumming in my chest slowed, but tears welled beneath my lashes.
Garrett was leaving me, like I’d expected from the start. Leaving here, moving to a new city. God just the thought of traveling was enough to make me lose my mind.
I couldn’t do it. Not for Garrett. Not for myself. I didn’t think it was possible to do it and survive. The fucking grocery store was a trial. Flying? Driving? Oh fuck, I was going to hurl. My body and mind were not syncing. Everything seemed poised for shut down mode.
I didn’t know how much time had passed before I was able to breathe again, before I could pull away, but when I did I knew Garrett was upset. I wasn’t sure if he was angry at me, or at the situation, but Garrett was simmering.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m…calm.”
“Are you sure?”
“No, but I feel a little better.” For a split second, I considered breaking up with him. Letting him move on and find a guy who wasn’t a nutjob. But I was too selfish for that. “So out of state means…”
His jaw clenched. “I interviewed here, but they only have management openings in their location in Ohio and Illinois.”
Illinois? “What does that mean for us?”
Garrett’s shoulders hunched. “What are you willing to do?”
I covered my face with my hands and let out a wail. “No! Stop!”
“What? What did I do?”
I dropped my hands in my lap. “Quit being nice! Get mad at me or something! Tell me I suck and I’m a horrible boyfriend, but quit being nice when I’m the reason there’s a problem here.”
“What do you want me to say?” His voice was a plea. “I can’t blame you. I’ve seen what happens when you have a panic attack. No one in their right mind would want that. I hate that I’ve done this. That I’ve barged into your life and disrupted everything.”
“You did not.” I placed my palm on his neck and rubbed my thumb in the indent at the base of his throat. “I thought I was happy, and now I know I wasn’t.”
“So, what’re we going to do?”
“Will you put up with a long-distance relationship?” I plunged forward even though my heart rate was speeding up. “I’ll go to a counselor. I’ll…talk to someone. Maybe get medication.”
Garrett still looked doubtful. “Is that what you want?”
Was it? Or was I just trying to hold onto him?
“Total honesty?”
“Of course.”
I brushed our noses together, and my voice cracked. “I don’t want you to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either.” He exhaled roughly, and his hand squeezed mine once. “Now do you want total honesty?”
I nodded.
“I’ll do long distance, but I don’t want to. I want you with me all the time. I want to watch you play games and stream on Twitch. I want to fucking wake up with you and have you teach me how to cook, and we can’t do that over Skype.” Garrett looked away as his voice grew thicker. “But I’ll do it. I’d rather have you that way than not at all.”
I wanted to cry. “Shit, you’re being nice again.”
His lip twitched. “Everyone else gets a rise out of me until I lose my temper. But with you, I’m an actual human being with the ability to understand compassion. It’s a mystery.”
I smiled at that, and he did too. But mine was strained, and I knew Garrett enough to know that he wasn’t truly happy. During his deployment, he’d gotten through it by believing he’d see me when it was over. Now, I couldn’t guarantee there was an end to this in sight.
“When would you have to go?” I asked.
“Soon. They need an answer by next week, and I’d have to move by next month.”
“Oh.” Internally, I screamed, but outwardly, I slid off his lap to stand on shaky legs. I needed to think about something else now before I lost it again. “Do you want dinner?”
He seemed to be at a loss before finally saying, “Dinner would be good.”
We stared at each other, not moving, and I blurted out, “You know, you don’t have to get a job—”
Garrett’s eyes blazed. “Don’t, Kai. Don’t even go there.”
He’d never spoken to me with that tone before, and it should have been an indication for me to stop talking, but I was desperate to make everything right. To return to the point in time before he’d realized I was a fuckup, and all we’d done was eat and have sex and talk about everything from the mundane to the philosophical or ridiculous. “I’m just saying, I make a steady income and I have savings—”
Garrett stood up and, for maybe the second time since I’d seen him in person, his height struck me. “I’m not sitting on my ass and living off your Twitch and porn money, Kai. Think about it for a minute. I’ve been working since I was fifteen, and I don’t intend to stop now.”
He brushed past me and stalked down the hallway.
“You’re a dumbass, Kai,” I muttered to myself.
I left him alone since he’d holed up in the bathroom, and went to make dinner robotically. I cooked chicken and threw together a salad. Garrett came in after a while and stood by the counter.
“I’m sorry.”
“It was a dumb suggestion,” I said, grating way more cheese than we needed.
“It was…something.” Garrett moved closer. “I understand why you said it but…no.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry I said porn—”
I cut him off. “No it’s okay. Some of my savings are from my videos. You weren’t far off. But that’s never been a thing between us, so let’s not make it one now.”
&n
bsp; He nodded in agreement and helped me finish dinner.
For the rest of the night, our conversation was forced. He wound up falling asleep on the couch during a movie and I crawled into bed alone. But I didn’t sleep.
If I closed my eyes, I was that much closer to a Garrett-less apartment.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Garrett
After being home from deployment for two months, I’d still failed to completely acclimate myself to my old room in Rickston. It wasn’t like much had changed, but it was weird to sit on the edge of the full-sized bed and observe a space that had once been my whole world. Now, it sparked a strong feeling of claustrophobia.
Had this place only been a haven when I was bolting the lock I’d installed and blasting music to escape the sound of my father’s cursing? Or maybe I’d loved it so much because it’d afforded me a scrap of privacy whenever I’d decided to go on Grindr to pick up the rednecks and deeply closeted guys in Rickston who were down for male on male action. Whatever had caused the relief and happiness about having a space of my own, it was gone now.
When I looked at the walls, I saw how close they were together. I noticed the broken vanity and dresser with lopsided, water-damaged particle wood, and the thirty-year-old rug that covered the deeply scarred floor. It was a lot better than some people had, but I kept comparing it to Kai’s cozy apartment and the way his welcoming arms had made it feel like home.
The sensation of belonging would now be ripped away except for infrequent trips back to Philly. I’d taken the job in Illinois and that was that. Fate sealed. I was headed there tomorrow to scout for a place to live.
It was entirely possible whatever apartment I found in Illinois would feel like a palace compared to this dump, but there was no way I’d be able replace the warmth that filled my chest every time I woke up next to Kai after a night of wearing each other out while drenching the sheets with our sweat. Or worked together in the kitchen to create something that was not a disaster. Or even took turns playing Fallout and shouting at each other for not listening to advice.
Moving to Illinois would wreck everything. Yet here I was, preparing to drive my shitty Bronco eight hours to Peoria to go apartment hunting since this whole thing was too last minute for me to afford a flight.
Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1) Page 20