“Fuck.”
I slid off the side of the too-low bed and slumped to the floor. With my elbows against my knees and my face in my hands, I tried to ignore the burn behind my eyes and the growing lump in my throat.
There was no time for this when I needed an apartment for a job that started in three fucking weeks, but I couldn’t help myself when it came to Kai.
Garrett: Can I come see you?
Two minutes between text messages wasn’t monumental, but it felt like forever when my heart was beating out of my chest.
Garrett: Please, baby. I need to see you.
Garrett: I’m driving up to Illinois tomorrow morning to look for places. I’ll be back in the next couple of weeks…but it feels like shit is changing. Or ending. I’m going insane.
Another few minutes passed. I was close to destroying my phone or bursting into tears. And what the hell was that? I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried.
Kai: Please come see me.
That was all it took. I didn’t even reply. Half because of impatience and half because…I was afraid he’d change his mind if I started a conversation about the fact that I was leaving him. No matter what I’d decided after the conversation with my mother, and despite the fact that I knew I’d hate myself if I took some shit job after all the time I’d put into the service, it still felt like I was giving up on Kai.
I thundered down the stairs carrying the duffel bag I’d thrown together for the trip to Illinois, called out something vague to Nicole and my mom, and was firing up the Bronco before anyone could slow me down. It would take me two hours to drive to Philly in traffic, and I was set to leave for Illinois in the morning. This was the last night we’d have with each other before the moving process started. If things fell apart, it might be the last night we had together in general.
With classic rock blasting out of my speakers, I sped the entire way to Kai’s apartment and screeched to a stop in a tight parking spot just outside his building. I was sure I’d knocked some innocent bystanders aside as I barreled into the door and sprinted up his stairs, but it was worth it once I saw his face.
“You got here so fas—”
I cut him off with a kiss.
It wasn’t the first time I’d greeted him like this, but this was the only time I’d ever kissed him hard enough to cut his lips with my teeth. I backed him into the apartment with rough hands, kicked the door shut behind me, and devoured as much of him as I could.
Kai didn’t resist. He tilted his head, slanted his mouth, and groaned when I sucked on his tongue. I’d only meant to taste him before we talked, again, about whether we could really do this because goddamn it felt like the end, but I couldn’t stop.
For the first time in a while, there was no breathless laughter as we tripped our way to his bedroom. He scaled my body, legs around my waist, and I strode to his bed—fast and efficient like we were running low on time.
Because we were, weren’t we? Long-distance relationships never worked. No matter how swiftly and intensely we’d connected online, it was nothing compared to feeling the warmth of his hard body beneath my own, and hearing his hoarse cries as I moved in and out of his tight sheath. It wasn’t possible to settle for pixels after spending hours in his bed making sure he knew he was mine.
“Garrett.”
The word ripped out of him like a pained gasp, and I covered his mouth again. We kissed so hard I tasted iron, but we didn’t stop even after I was inside of him. He kept one thigh wrapped around my waist while I braced my hand against the other. It was probably too rough. There would probably be a palm-sized bruise there tomorrow, but I couldn’t pull away. I couldn’t get enough.
I fucked him harder than I ever had while clenching my free hand in his hair. “Please.” It sounded like a sob, or a broken desperate prayer, and I didn’t even know why I was saying it. “Please, Kai.”
His eyes ripped open, bloodshot with damp lashes, and there was a flash of sorrow behind the glaze of pleasure.
“G—” My name clogged in his throat once I angled deeper, grinding all up against his sweet spot, and then his hand shot down to his own erection. Two strokes and he was gone—releasing so hard we were both damp when he was done. “Oh fuck…”
Kai’s hands shook and I knew at this point he had to be experiencing sensory overload. Even so, he dug his fingers into my forearms and took every inch I gave him again and again. We stared at each other while I climbed to my peak, but there were no filthy grins and dirty talk this time. There was something close to anguish in his face as I shot off like a rocket and flooded him. Maybe he was also thinking that this might be the last time.
We lay there panting roughly once I pulled out. To my horror, I felt my body turning to dead weight as soon as he slid out of bed to clean up. There was so much to say, and I had so much to ask, but all I could do was whisper, “Kai, please come with me.” just as the bathroom door clicked shut.
* * *
Kai
I hadn’t slept well while Garrett had been gone and even last night hadn’t been a reprieve. I’d known he’d be leaving as the sun came up. By the time I’d returned from the bathroom with Garrett’s whispered words ringing in my ear, he’d passed out. I’d watched the rise and fall of his chest and snuggled into his side, running my fingers over the hair on his forearms.
I was sore and bone-deep tired, and yet all I could do was watch him with eyes that felt coated with sand. I traced the grooves of his hips, tapped his ribs like piano keys, and caressed the smooth, soft skin of his throat. I couldn’t stop touching him, reminding myself of his realness. To imprint in my brain that I’d been loved by an actual flesh-and-blood person and not just comments in a Chat window.
Eventually, I got up, dressed, and went to the kitchen. I made coffee with shaking hands, spilling grounds everywhere and generally acting like a basketcase.
I was convinced he’d find an apartment in Illinois, and his next-door neighbor would be some amazing friendly gay guy who would wrap Garrett around his finger. I’d be shoved into the past—which was probably where I belonged but was too selfish to go without a fight.
But was I even fighting for us?
Garrett had tried. God knew he’d tried. Even if he’d found a local job, how could this work with me refusing to go into the world with him? Every aspect of our relationship would be confined to our apartment.
The shower turned on, and I knew Garrett was up. I busied myself by fixing him a proper breakfast—eggs and bacon and toast and pancakes. A ridiculously huge breakfast that was incredibly unnecessary.
When Garrett stumbled into the kitchen wearing nothing but a pair of unbuttoned jeans, I was staring in horror at the mountain of food.
“Whoa, what army are you feeding?”
I bit my lip. “I might have overdone it.”
I expected him to joke, but he took a deep breath and quietly filled a plate. The desperation of the previous night’s sex still hung in the air like fog. I hadn’t wanted that for us; last night should have been fun and loving, but had felt like we were grasping for something that was already slipping away.
How fucking depressing.
I picked at my food while Garrett ate. After he’d cleaned his plate, he glanced at his watch. “I need to hit the road.”
“Yeah,” I murmured, staring into my mug.
The chair scraped as he stood, and then from behind me came the sounds of him washing his plate.
I thought maybe he’d kiss me as he walked by, but he headed right to the bedroom to finish getting dressed. I closed my eyes, wishing I had the skills, the ability, to tell him that we didn’t have to do this, that there were more options than long distance.
Garrett returned to the kitchen, and his sunglasses were already covering his eyes. He jerked his chin toward the door.
After taking a last sip of coffee, I followed. I stood awkwardly as he adjusted the strap on his bag and stared at the door like he wanted to pierce it with laser eyes.
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“I’ll text you when I get there.”
His voice was emotionless, and I hated that he was being this way, but I didn’t know how to change it without promising something I wasn’t capable of giving.
“Okay, I’d appreciate that.”
He turned to me, but my own face was reflected back in the lenses of his sunglasses. “Kai…”
I pushed up his sunglasses so I could see his eyes. They were anything but expressionless. Not wet, but full of pain and concern. I wanted to cry. “Please drive safe,” I said. “You have precious cargo.”
“Me?”
I rolled my eyes dramatically. “No, I mean Dog.”
“And Honey Badger.” He pressed a quick kiss to my lips before opening the door. “I love you. We’ll talk soon, okay?”
I nodded. “Love you too. And yes, soon.”
Dropping his sunglasses back over his eyes, he left.
I finally allowed myself to cry.
* * *
Three days later, I was still in zombie mode. Garrett had texted me pictures of the cutest house ever that he’d be renting. It was perfect—small and cozy on the type of quiet block I’d never had growing up since I’d gone through a revolving door of shitty apartments and townhouses of various relatives. When he sent more pictures, I nearly drooled over the hardwood floors, thinking about sliding around in my socks re-enacting that scene from Risky Business. I’d always wanted to do that.
Garrett actually sounded excited when we spoke. He’d visited the plant where he’d be working and overall seemed to be looking forward to the future. I wished I weren’t a cement block tied to his feet. When we hung up, I felt like everything that had briefly been mine was drifting from my fingertips. Those moments of happiness scattering in the wind.
Shawn was already gone, starting a new life in college, and so I had no one to talk to. Pre-Garrett, that had been fine. Post-Garrett, it sucked.
And Chat noticed.
CherryCakes: You ok Kai?
I wanted to tell her to mind her own business, to focus on what I was doing in FWO, but I was sure my expression showed my serious lack of motivation. I hadn’t done a happy dance once and I’d roasted a whole slew of players.
BoricuaX1: ur man gone?
I didn’t know if he meant gone as not in the apartment, or as in gone for good, but the panic began to swell, and I snapped. “He’s not gone, he’s just busy and I miss him, okay?”
I swear Chat stopped for a couple of seconds as they processed my unusual tone before exploding.
KinderKid: Where is he?
Garvy: ease up, guys, he doesn’t need his boyfriend there 24/7
LaserTT5: i liked that dude. he made u happy K
CherryCakes: aw baby, I’m sorry you miss your man
I gave up on the game and stared at the Chat log as gratitude swelled in my chest.
“I try not to get personal with you all the time because I know you’re here to watch me game. But here’s the deal. This,” I waved at my computer, “is my life. It’s all I do. I don’t go anywhere, and I don’t have a social life. It’s really fucking detrimental to a relationship when leaving my apartment makes me break out into a cold sweat, you know?” As the words poured out, more followed. “And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of living this way. And now that I know there can be so much more…it’s like everything is different. I can’t go back to the way I was before.”
This was the most honest I’d been with them, or even myself, and their response was amazing. There were a couple messages telling me I was a fucking loser, but there were hundreds more supporting me.
Garvy: I know I’ve been a dick about G sometimes, but I want you to get well and be happy.
KinderKid: don’t break up my OTP!!!!!!!
BoricuaX1: whoa. extreme
CherryCakes: Can you see a doctor?
BoricuaX1: yea buddy. Get those happy pills
Garvy: There’s no such thing as happy pills, Boricua. He needs therapy too.
BoricuaX1: tbh he needs weed
CherryCakes: Ignore them. I have depression and anxiety, and seeing someone about it was the best choice I ever made.
Garvy: I didn’t know that…
CharryCakes: You do now :)
I’d told Garrett I would call a counselor, and I’d made a list of practices covered under my insurance, but I hadn’t done it yet. The thought stressed me out to the max.
But what stressed me out more was Garrett living hundreds of miles away and building a new life without me.
“I think…” I took a deep breath and said out loud what I’d only said to Shawn and Garrett. “I think I have anxiety too. The social kind. I guess I really should see someone, right?”
Chat went wild with their suggestions.
Even without them, it was clear what I had to do. They just confirmed it. I was sure people would judge me for caring about the opinions of strangers, but for years these strangers had been my only friends. Well, some of them.
When I logged off an hour later, it was still business hours, so I picked up my phone and stared at the first number on my list.
No one had mentioned this was the hard part. That first phone call. The one where I had to tell a stranger there was something wrong in my head. That I felt a little crazy. But I knew it was the first step.
I wasn’t happy anymore. Even if Garrett did move across the hall from some hottie he ended up marrying and living happily ever after with, I’d had enough. I was done living my life online and being surrounded by my apartment walls.
I typed in the numbers to the doctor and hit send.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Garrett
The trip to Illinois had been a huge success. My new supervisor was a gruff old dude who liked the fact that I was a gruff young dude, and several of the men and women on the production line were vets from the Gulf War. Open enough to welcome me but serious enough to not be interested in a ton of small talk. It was perfect.
My new place was also perfect. Especially because it wasn’t an apartment—it was a house.
A lot of little things had added up to me going for a house rental instead of an apartment. One—the Human Resources guy who was helping me to relocate had stressed the fact that several of the buildings I’d looked at had paper thin walls and a revolving door of tenants. Two—the house was a two-story colonial and was still only a couple hundred more than an apartment. And three—I thought Kai would like it.
It had hardwood floors, natural light, and a large enough lot for us to have plenty of room from surrounding neighbors. It was also on a quiet block but near enough to stores for him to walk to if he ever felt like it. Also—it was three bedrooms. Initially I’d wanted a spare room to use as a gym for myself, but the third was a great option for Kai to use as an office for his streaming.
I was living in a fantasy. I knew I was. But in an ideal world it would be…perfect.
However, when I returned to Pennsylvania two weeks later to start packing, the unrealistic swell of excitement I’d allowed to grow popped. All it had taken was two lackluster text exchanges with Kai to realize I’d fucked our relationship by taking this job.
He was never going to be able to drive for eight hours in aggressive traffic or trap himself in an airplane for long enough to use that spare room. I knew that, and he knew that, which is probably why his responses had read so distant. I was a fucking idiot.
“You look so bummed.” Nicole sat at the edge of my bed with her legs tucked under her. “Want a cigarette?”
“No, Nicole. I don’t want a fucking cigarette. And you two going wild with nicotine is stupid.”
She ignored my criticism. Unsurprising. “Want to go shoot for a while? That always makes me feel better.”
“Yeah, because you picture yourself taking out your mortal enemies.” I pulled the zipper around my suitcase with a grunt. My work boots and winter coats were bulky as hell since I’d not followed my mother’s suggestion to get some of those vacuu
m compressed bags. “That won’t help me since the source of my fucking bummed outness is my own idiotic decision to take this job.”
“Taking a supervisory position at the headquarters of a major corporation is hardly an idiotic decision. Considering I’m looking at a future career at Wal-Mart—”
“Shut the fuck up. You are not.”
“Whatever, I was trying to make you feel better.” Nicole picked at the hem of her jeans with her eyes trained on me. Concern wrinkled her brow. “For all you know, he’ll get used to the idea and eventually follow behind. Being long distance for a few months isn’t the end of the world.”
“That’s not going to happen.” I got to my feet and stared around my room, wondering what I needed to bring and what was just dregs of my adolescence and childhood. “Kai always had social anxiety but it wasn’t until he stopped having a reason to rejoin the outside world that it became…debilitating. It’s like avoiding going outside for years made it ten times worse because he stopped knowing how to cope out here. Him adapting to us being separated is more likely to make him hole up even further.”
“Well, it’s not like you won’t be visiting here.”
Giving up on my search for additional things to pack, I swept my gaze back to Nicole. I loved that her response wasn’t “just dump the guy and move on,” but her optimism was only making my heart heavier. I would be visiting Pennsylvania as much as possible, but it would never replace getting to see Kai every day.
“You look like you’re about to cry.”
I was. Instead of letting the prickling sensation turn into tears, I wiped a rough hand across my face. “Tell mom to have a yard sale to get rid of the shit I’m not bringing with me.”
“Are you sure?” Nicole looked around. “Because I think there might be a place in Peoria for your collection of five hundred beer caps.”
Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1) Page 21