Slide - GOLDEN CROWN HOLIDAY HOMES available at good prices. VO: Need a break, don’t settle for less. You deserve Golden Crown, the resting place for the rich and famous. Then there is a montage of famous stars such as Clint Eastwood, Meryl Steep, Nelson Piquet, James Oliver, Ussain Bolt, Dan Brown etc. VO: These stars may or may not have stayed in Golden Crown. Now you make the right choice.
Slide - opens with a life size cut out of Col. Jagee with a large bucket hovering over his head. Next to the cut out stands a small panel. As people pass by, they press a red button on the panel. At this the bucket tips over, and empties what appeared to be bodily waste produce on the cut out’s uncomplaining head. VO: A reputation lies in tatters. From king to dustbin, lying in a pool of garbage, waste personified. Mangled refuse. Dirt and grime personified.
Slide - opens with a picture of a morgue (here unfortunately the AV presentation ended due to a slight unforeseen incident). Even as the ninth slide came on, the SWIM brothers found themselves in a bit of bother. With ape-like agility (clearly inspired by slide no. 5), Col. Jagee had leapt at them and grabbed their windpipes, one in each furious hand. He was squeezing hard and screaming in Gyaandostaani. Sadly, all the words employed here can’t be used. I will, however, translate the gist of his speech leaving blank spaces for those that can’t be explained. ‘Evil twins (blank), mother a mango seed (blank) (blank). Tie up your genitalia and (blank) to her (blank). Pull out the nose hair (blank) rectal passage (blank) (blank), and turn your pancreas into (blank) (blank) (blank) (blank) (blank) (blank).’
At this point, one SWIM brother seemed to lose consciousness; the other was in a far better position, as he was only vomiting ferociously, but in the right direction.
It took Shampoo 20 minutes to extricate the President of Gyaandostaan from the two SWIM brothers. Then another 17 minutes to extricate one SWIM brother from the other. To ensure better sense prevailed, alcohol was served. Then Shampoo convinced all three to do the right thing, so they all put on their clothes.
Then, standing behind the settee, making sure there were three pieces of furniture between them and their predator, the SWIM brothers outlined their plan. As they did, they signalled for helmets, which Shampoo provided in a jiffy. In a nutshell (or any such non porous container), the brothers explained how Paul Huskee’s rise coincided with the Col. ‘s fall. Public opinion was eroding quickly. Popularity was plummeting since they didn’t see a reversal of this in the near future. Because of Col. Jagee’s rampant use of law machinery for furthering personal gain at the cost of the country’s eco-socio health, the best thing to do was call for early elections, while the Paul Huskee wave hadn’t yet become irresistible.
If the Prez. played to his strength (lying, deceit, treachery, and cunning), Paul Huskee could still be stopped in his track.
When they finished, the SWIM brothers had reached the back of the room, and were quivering like frogs on a laboratory table for beginners. They had no trace of physical courage in their entire DNA. In fact, they were famous for their panic attacks that were frequent and severe.
The SWIM brothers, having gained back the President’s confidence, decided to switch to e-mail for further correspondence, following the time-honoured tradition of safety first.
This is the contents of the first one.
‘Oh great benefactor, oh overlord of the oppressed masses, oh over exalted overseer of all Gyaandostaan. Oh, ( ) (the long blank was to allow Col. Jagee to fill in his own adjectives describing himself as the SWIM brothers were firm believers that Col. Jagee was the one who knew Col. Jagee the best. A fact that was greatly appreciated by Col. Jagee).
‘Your popularity knows no bounds, great one. Yet, as a safety precaution, purely an extra totally unnecessary safeguard, in the impossible event that you may have lost one, maybe even 2 supporters, we deem it best for you, if you were to create a series of articles in that great free and fair press machine that you own totally: The Waving Flag. The articles could be penned by you (with a very teesny weensy little help from us, not really with words as you are at best at that oh overlearned one, but more with say punctuation, the odd comma, even maybe an extra full stop. )
‘So can we aim for one article every single day for the next 2 days? Obviously the articles will be a signed by different people, none of whom is really you. Though in truth, all will be you, which would be fitting as Gyaandostaan is you, and you are Gyaandostaan, which of course is not a reflection of your size, but of your greatness.
‘For the first article, we have chosen is a writer, a 19-year-old boy who doesn’t exist, called Fleicher Ankol. We’ve put together, if we may, a few words, just a couple more punctuations, really, for your perusal. Peruse and add to our bleak inferior verse, your unbelievable over-talented literary skill, that wreaks havoc at Gyaandostaani literary festival every single year. As can be certified from the fact that you have won the 1st prize for the past 27 years, and for at least 5 of these years you hadn’t even submitted a book. And on 7 occasions, you repeated the same book, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya sisterhood of Rebbecca Wells. We have only one request, and that is since we are suffering from a viscous head cold, during the exercise in punctuation, we may have sneezed a bit from time to time. Sneezes as you know tend to scatter words, helter skelter, so amidst the commas and question marks, you may find a few extra words here and there crawling over the page; this is our humble contribution. As a man who nominated himself on past 19 occasions for the Booker Prize (the fact that you haven’t won yet is one of the deep mysteries of the modern world along with the lochness monster, the abominable snowman, and the futile search for a replacement to ajinomoto in Chinese cuisine).
‘I’m sure you’ll be able to twist and turn our putrid outpourings and convert it to the best literary effort the world has ever seen, comparable to the Great Bard, Bernard Shaw, and Pico Iyer himself. Below is our miniscule contribution to next Tuesday’s Front page:’
Dear Editor,
Call me Pleisher. I would like to sing a song for the greatest son of Gyaandostaan since Alexander. I would also like to sing a song for Alexander, but as any student of music knows, you can’t sing two songs simultaneously. So I’ll sing a song for today’s hero, a man who defies description. A magnificent servant of Gyaandostaan who always puts his country before himself, especially when he travels abroad. How quickly we GYAANDOSTAANIS forget our heroes? Who talks of Shemen the significant, who walked around the entire world on one leg just to prove that two legs were one too many? Who remembers Pearl of Panglula who donated both her kidneys and then had them returned all in one week? Who really remembers Abbey the archtypical, who accidentally discovered a cure for ringworm disease, while trying to make the first vodka/wine hybrid?
We’ve failed all the great citizens, let’s not fail today’s greatest GYAANDOSTAANI (none bar none)—the President of GYAANDOSTAAN, Col. Jagee. I would begin by rating all his myriad achievements, but who has the time to listen? However, in the interest of being specific let me note down a few. Here are Col. Jagee’s top 7 achievements.
He has made changes in Gyaandostaan
He can box squat 300 pounds
He has issued decrees
He can box squat 360 pounds
He has made flossing mandatory for all citizens
He has opened many doors
On his own
Let us not forget today’s hero, like we have forsaken many others. Today when you go to work, remember Col. Jagee, your guardian and guide, because he hasn’t forgotten you, you and you. (Note the ‘you’s continue for the next 3½ pages of the paper, and then get interrupted by the sports pages after which they continue down from page 7 into 11).
Col. Jagee liked what he saw, namely his name many times in print. He knew he had written an outstanding article, so to speak. After all his story must be told. News can’t be silenced, and as the article proved, the people loved him. And it is a scientific fact that what we read in print, we tend to believe as Gospel. This in fact form
ed the basis for the success of many religions.
Bella Terrace was livid. ‘I can’t believe he’s done this, gone and announced early elections.’ Shabbir Hoossein wanted to rest, but since she was choking Ray Chow at the same time, better sense prevailed and Shabbir sent for a nurse. As the nurse medicated her, Bella continued, ‘The trouble with all of you is you don’t know how to look ahead. Politics is trickier than chess, you can’t just rely on the Sicillian defence. This man is a cunning shrewd plotter. We’ve got to engineer something of our own. Early elections will work in his favour.
Ray Chow lying on the hospital bed tried to respond. But 700 sedatives had left their legacy, and all he could offer was a ‘caw’ much like a sophisticated crow who had studied elocution and electric literature at GU (Gyaandostaan University). Mr D’Souza dare not contribute, and Amama who was standing dangerously close to Bella Terrace looked at Paul Huskee for security.
Huskee moved Amama behind the hospital bed and then spoke his piece. ‘We’ve got Shampoo in place, we are getting information ahead of time and in any case I’ve drawn out a possible ways to get at him. We attack the flagrant flouting of rules by his company where we’ve got Machado to sign off on any or all transgressions. The Sandwich Party has a lot of explaining to do from unpaid parking tickets upwards. Shampoo says we can nail him on his vanity cum eccentricity. You see he likes to conduct high level meetings, business lunches, and senior cabinet meetings in the nude.’
Two weeks later, the election date was announced.
It was typically an awful day. Awful, as the American vice-president was in town. So as usual, when a visiting dignitary came to town, Bey was at a standstill. Roads were cleared, citizens had to take cover, the army and the police went out to disturb the peace and keep the roads free of Gyaandostaanis.
Pregnant women about to deliver were asked to come back the next day; trauma and terminal patients were asked to hang in there and not leave the house and bother the hospitals. Children were asked to go to and from their schools via another city. The vice-president was in town to sign a deal whereby Gyaandostaan would be given 16 surface inter continental ballistic missiles. In exchange, the vice-president would get a free lunch and a comfortable stay at the PONP HOTEL. (The four letters P. O. N. P. stood for the four pillars of Gyaandostaan, but no one could remember who the four pillars were. )
The Vice-President addressed the Parliament. He spoke of how he hoped to share America’s three greatest inventions with the Gyaandostaan people. He noticed how the first two—chapstick and hot dogs— were already in Gyaandostaan, hence he felt it is as essential that IBM (Inter Continental Ballistic Missiles) follow suit.
He spoke about how chapstick had saved many marriages, how hot dogs had brought America and Canada together. Yet if they wanted to, they could remove Toronto and Edmonton from the map, in the same time as it would take time to eat a hot dog! Yet, probably a little longer than it would take to apply chapsticks.
Then he spoke of the greatness of Gyaandostaan. A place Alexander the Great mentioned three times on his death bed. His exact words, ‘Oh God Gyaandostaan! For God’s sake get me away from Gyaandostaan, please please don’t take me back to that infernal Gyaandostaan’, remaining etched in our collective memory forever. Then he turned his attention to Col. Jagee. A man who had spent two years in America. (For assaulting airline staff on an Air America flight, he was given a 3-year sentence, 1 year suspended for good behaviour. ) How he was a model prisoner! No literally, how he modelled at all the prison fashion shows with great aplomb. It was in this period that Col. Jagee wrote his primary prose on penitentiary life. The book explained in detail how the American system of prison, with four non-veg meals a day, access to gymnasiums, libraries and recreational facilities, completely air- conditioned, meant that it was comparable to a 4-star hotel in GYAANDOSTAAN. He titled the book My Struggle but lost interest after 17 pages and started drawing pictures, mostly of himself. The book was never published.
Getting back to his modelling stint, he was so enthusiastic that he finally had to be handcuffed on the ramp itself, because of his propensity to remove all his clothes. He loved the ease with which Col. Jagee bought his twin doctorates from the University of Pennsylvania, located in Toledo. And yet, he never flaunted those degrees, preferring instead to go by the humble rank of colonel. A title he picked up during a company picnic weekend (7 years ago), and subsequently never returned. He said America’s doors were always open to Gyaandostaani people, and although the one across the Rio Grande was temporarily out of order. He spoke of how he honeymooned with his third wife in Gyaandostaan for seven days, and enjoyed the first four. He also honeymooned with his second wife in Gyaandostaan, but didn’t want to talk about it as he had forgotten to take her back. He then threatened to introduce Obamacare to Gyaandostaan. At this point Col. Jagee called for a ten-minute recess, which in typical Gyaandostaani style was held for 2 hours and 27 minutes. After the resumption, Col. Jagee spoke of how the vice-president had failed to humbly speak of his own accomplishments, which included, fighting in the Iraq war, appearing in a soap dish commercial as the soap dish, and avoiding Arnold Schwarzenegger at three consecutive cocktail parties, when the scandal broke. He then added, ‘As a proud democracy, we encourage dissent, freedom of speech, expression, and the right to eat ice cream cones left handed. Even though our next general election is two years away, I’m throwing down an open challenge to my competitors to overthrow, if they may, my government. I have scheduled the elections for the next month Oct 24th and 25th. Also 27th, but not 26th, as that’s the day I get my weekly massage and my masseurs overbooked till April, so I can’t change my date. Let the opposition, with their barbs and taunts, now pick up the gauntlet. Let the people of Gyaandostaan know that I will triumph convincingly, because not only is God on my side, but more importantly so is America!! To which the seated American vice-president extended his left hand and shook it, like he had the early stages of Parkinson’s, which strangely he did. It was the universal sign for comsee comsaa, or fifty fifty, or don’t know for sure, or early signs of Parkinson’s. As Jagee sat down, his supporters roared their approval; some threw their belts in the air, one of which landed on the vice- president. Mayhem ensued, as security men started whipping the Sandwich Party Members of Parliament, who fought back by pointing their fingers and running helter skelter. Col. Jagee surveyed the situation and knew there was only one thing to do. He invited the vice-president back to his office for a massage.
The SWIM brothers were sweating profusely. In fact they seemed to be sniffing, even crying. They found Colleen Connor even more intimidating than Col. Jagee. They both had one of their simultaneous thoughts, What if she also liked to conduct interviews with her clothes off? The sweating got worse.
It was Shampoo who at much risk to himself had got the SWIM brothers to visit Colleen. He knew they were intimidated nay rattled by the President. He knew this because every time he mentioned Col. Jagee, their voices got a little higher. However, as the conversation continued and Colleen didn’t start disrupting, they felt a little more relaxed, and at one stage even stopped holding hands.
Colleen outlined her proposal which was that while they advised Col. Jagee, they were actually working for Paul Huskee and the Ball and Socket Party. They would be paid to make sure Col. Jagee who paid them to ensure he wins loses. That is they’d be paid twice, and whatever the result, their score would be 1 win, 1 loss, so 1 all.
The elder SWIM brother looked away in fear. He remembered how Paris Broskee mistook him for her brother, and held him by his heels over a dry swimming pool. He remembered how Paris laughed as she bounced his head 27 consecutive times on the swimming floor. He remembered how after the incident he thanked her and suggested they do it again sometime. He remembered how this resulted in another 27 bounces off the pool floor, in full public view of his entire family, friends, and three senior members of the police force.
He then replaces Paris Broskee with Col. Jagee, and the
visual took a turn for the worse as Col. Jagee was naked during the entire operation. Also he wasn’t going to stop at a mere 27 bounces.
He thought of the option of separating him and his brother, one to work with Col. Jagee and one with Paul Huskee, but that would be futile as they always did everything together, and it would be next to impossible for one to go to the toilet in one side of town while the other’s trapped in a car on the other side. He thought of giving a medical certificate to get out of discharging their duties, but they realized that every time a doctor examined them in the past, he would insist on keeping them for weeks for further examination. This further examination led to a lot of probing with metal objects, which left them with no sensation below their knees.
Colleen sensed their anxiety and apprehension, especially after they asked for pain killers. She appealed to their sense of patriotism, but they told her in no uncertain terms that they were both numb, and had lost all sense of feeling, except at the back of their knuckles. They added that if Col. Jagee caught them in this web of deception, he may never put his clothes back on again. Then they shuddered and said, they heard he had a swimming pool at the basement of his building, and worse that it was most of the year... empty.
Colleen at this point lost her cool, and asked them curtly if they were interested or not. From under the office table, the SWIM brothers asked if they could e-mail their answer to her, once they put up three countries between her and them.
At this point, Shampoo picked up the phone and dialed Mrs SWIM, the mother of the brothers who was a staunch feminist and a supporter of Colleen Connor. The SWIM brothers were told to SWIM with the tide. The noose around Col. Jagee was closing.
10
Ray Chow decided to let bygones be bygones as he was being discharged. On the way out, he decided to visit Gulu. Do the magnanimous thing. Gulu looked like a squirrel in a hammock, covered in plaster, his eyes rarely visible. His treatment was going to take some time. Chow wanted to make his piece, so he went really close to Gulu and stuck his tongue out. Then he passed on the choicest Gyaandostaani abuses known to man. And just before leaving, he pulled at the only visible part of Gulu, his big toe on the right foot, and bent it backwards.
Netagiri Page 9