Back in the Ball and Socket premises, Ray Chow outlined his cunning plan. He had an uncle who was pretty senior in the Communist Party in China. He may not remember Ray, but 40, 000 US dollars could improve that memory. Col. Jagee was very keen on increasing trade with China. But China didn’t like Jagee since they had heard of his nudism. And more importantly, they felt that colonel was too low a rank to run a country; not the most communist of thoughts! If only Ray could ingratiate himself with the Chinese top brass... then get all the trade contacts exclusively for the Ball and Socket Party. It seemed far-fetched but was well worth a shot. Jagee would try and put a spanner in the work of course. But even he dare not go against the diktat for mighty China.
Ray had only one slight misgiving about his brilliant plan—he didn’t know which one was his uncle?
Paul Huskee thought it was worth a shot. Amama and Mr D’Souza were deputed to go with Ray Chow. Amama was a good level head to go with Ray’s brilliance and Mr D’Souza deserved a holiday. And since most of the conversation was through interpreters, maybe at least China would be able to figure out what Mr D’Souza had to say. Not to mention that good fortune may strike and he may remain in China. As it turns out, this wasn’t that far from the truth. Although, as this may be a work of fiction, it’s hard to really guess what is the truth... er...truth be told.
And of course there would be no compulsion to bring Mr D’Souza back.
Mr Jogen Baglooloo got up slowly, tears in his eyes. He decided that maybe he hadn’t made himself clear enough, so he prostrated himself before Col. Jagee and begged him not to sack him. Col. Jagee, who was seated behind his desk wearing only a cushion, pressed a button. Two large bodyguards appeared who whisked the hysterical Jogen Baglooloo away while trying not to look at yet salute Col. Jagee at the same time. Col. Jagee lit a cigar and contemplated. The SWIM brothers told him to make some changes to show the public he meant business. On a professional level he did this by sacking his home minister Jogen Baglooloo. On a personal level, he did this by wearing socks to all future meetings. Jogen Baglooloo had been around since Jagee’s birth. He was initially a car cleaner who graduated to being a driver, and then a foster father to Col. Jagee, as he would pick and drop him from all his engagements, help with his homework, braid his hair, get his pals over, not to mention laundry and dry-cleaning. Although the last was rarely an issue as the young Col. Jagee rarely wore any clothes. However, off late, Baglooloo had become old, hard of hearing, unresponsive, and largely comatose. Normally, these would have been ideal qualities for a cabinet minister, but Col. Jagee was now looking at the larger picture. Baglooloo was like family. If Col. Jagee was willing to remove Baglooloo for the greater good of Gyaandostaan, this would be a fantastic PR exercise for the now slightly beleaguered leader. Arguably also the only world leader who was a practicing nudist at the time. And just to show that he wasn’t without a heart, Col. Jagee had planned to offer Jogen Baglooloo his old car cleaning job, once again.
Two large bodyguards appeared who whisked the hysterical Jogen Baglooloo away.
He called for a meeting with his new home minister, Shampoo, and the SWIM brothers. According to the Gyaandostaan Constitution page 78, Article 2C, no wait... page 93, Article 11A, no page 296, Article 16E recurring, the Prime Minister may appoint up to 3 cabinet ministers who are not elected officials of parliament. Luckily, Col. Jagee had long since broken that rule as 27 of his 43 member cabinet ministers were non-elected officials. This list included his carpenter, 2 gym instructors, a pizza chain owner, and 3 members of the boy band ‘GAGAGA’, who were, along with GYAANDOSTAAN’s roads and bridges, among the most hated and useless things in the entire country. Please note that GAGAGA were originally GAGAGOO but changed their name to GAGAGA after consulting a numerologist.
The SWIM brothers sat as far away from the Colonel as they possibly could. This he didn’t notice, but he did find it odd that they both occupied the same chair. The new home minister Shampoo seemed quite unaffected by his own recent greatness, and it’s he who steered the conversation towards the ‘need’ to do something for the ordinary people of Gyaandostaan. A thought that had never occurred to any previous Gyaandostaan leader, Col. Jagee included, in the last 200 years.
Shampoo: ‘According to them (pointing at the terrified twosome), you have to appease or do something drastic for the greater good of the population.’
Col. Jagee: ‘I’ve got it. Since we have parking of cars in odd numbers on Mon, Wed, and Fri and even numbers on Tue, Thurs, and Sat, why don’t we switch? Let’s change it to even numbers on Mon, Wed, Fri and odd numbers on Tues, Thurs, and Sat.’
Shampoo: ‘That’s one way to er...go. Fellows, any ideas?’
He aimed this question at the SWIM brothers who at the time, completely uncomfortable with the attention they were getting, were squirming more than swimming. Sheer panic was on their faces, and they were trying to push their chair further into the wall behind them, in the eventual hope that they’d disappear into the wall along with the chair. Shampoo saw the anxiety.
Shampoo: ‘Let’s look at what are the basic needs of our poorer sections? What are they lacking?’
Col. Jagee got so excited to answer the question that he stood up in a great hurry, and doing so deserted the cushion, a visual that caused the SWIM brothers to experience even greater levels of stress. But try as they might, the damned chair wouldn’t go into the wall.
Col. Jagee: ‘I know...I know...ooo...me, me.’
Shampoo: ‘Go ahead Col.’
Col. Jagee: ‘Massage parlours. My driver is always complaining about aches and pains, and the poor soul has no access to a massage parlour. We need to take massages to the people.’ As he spoke, he seemed to be advancing toward the brothers SWIM. Shampoo quickly intercepted the Col. in an effort to stop the SWIM brothers from having what now looked like heavy seizures. This he did by placing the cushion between himself and the leader of Gyaandostaan.
Shampoo: ‘Very good, Colonel. Spot on! But that would mean us spending valuable state funds. Let’s find something cheaper.’
Col. Jagee: ‘Oh I love that word “cheaper”. Now you’re really thinking, Shampoo. I could kiss you!!’
Shampoo armed himself with another cushion only as a precautionary measure.
Shampoo: ‘Yes cheaper, and easy to implement. What say we announce an end to all power cuts? No more power cuts on Mondays and Thursdays. Power for everybody forever.’
Col. Jagee: ‘Well, it’s clearly as not as good as my massage idea...’
Shampoo: ‘We’ll come to your massage idea later. Let’s not spoil them. They’ll love the “power” idea. We could call our campaign “Power to the People”. It’ll make you extremely popular. By giving them power, you are giving them “power”. Did you get it, Sir?’
Col. Jagee’s chest was blooming now he was warming to his greatness.
Col. Jagee: ‘By giving them power, we are giving them power... Yes, what is it?’
Col. Jagee noticed one of the SWIM brothers appeared like he was trying to make a point. The other one of course appeared to have slipped into a comatose state.
Col. Jagee: ‘What is it? Stop squirming like a jelly fish and speak up man!’
Shampoo went over to the chair in the wall and held the courageous SWIM brother, the one who hadn’t yet passed away, by his hand.
SWIM brothers: ‘But we, we...don’t generate enough power to sustain such an effort. We may soon run out of power... unless...’
As usual when the speech started, it came from both the brothers simultaneously. The dead as well as the alive one.
Col. Jagee: ‘Go on. Unless...unless what...’
SWIM brothers: ‘Well, you could announce the power to the people, quickly hold elections, win on this popular wave, and then promptly triple the load shedding after coming back to power, to balance it all out.’
Col. Jagee let out a cry. A mournful lament initially which turned into a shrill cry very similar to the call of the
wild heron when its courtship has been accepted by another heron or a young bull frog who sounds a lot like a heron.
Col. Jagee: ‘Come here you two, give Daddy a hug. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.’
As he advanced towards the SWIM brothers, sans cushion, arms akimbo, the brothers collapsed. Shampoo did what he had to do. He tackled the President of Gyaandostaan, rugby style, just before he made contact with the SWIM brothers. And thank God he did that because if the leader of Gyaandostaan made minimal contact with the SWIM brothers, they would have been dead before they hit the ground.
However, Col. Jagee was ebullient, even ecstatic. His short-term thinking style was perfect for such a plan. He believed Tuesday was best planned on Monday without a care about Wednesday. Thus, Thursday was always disastrous, and frankly he never quite reached Friday. As Col. Jagee got up and headed to behind his desk, the SWIM brothers relaxed just an incy-wincy bit. They had learnt one of life’s important lessons today i. e. wooden chairs, normally, just don’t go through walls.
11
The best way to describe China was that it was, er, Chinese. A beautiful country which, like Gyaandostaan, had all kinds of different terrain, weather conditions, and climes.
However, we won’t discuss China in detail. Not because this writer hasn’t been to China, or hasn’t bothered to research the geographical mass that is China, or is far too lazy to even Google China, just so that he could create a genuine Chinese canvas and landscape for the China excursion. No we won’t discuss China because Gyaandostaani secret agents (agents who are so secretive that often they themselves don’t know they are agents) investigate anyone who writes glowingly about China or glorifies it i. e. unless of course they write in Chinese.
Yet, just to prove that Ray Chow, Amama, and Mr D’Souza had all been to China in reality, let us listen to three observations of Amama about China which will convince one and all that the China sojourn actually did take place. According to Amama’s email to... er... his own mama.
China is a huge country
In China nobody knows where the forks and spoons are hidden
No right-minded Chinese person has heard of Kung Pao Chicken or the country of Gyaandostaan
Amama’s mama never replied to that email, thus clearing the myth that Amama was a mama’s boy. He in fact was just Amama.
Now that we’ve got the proof out of the way, let’s look into the China diary of Ray Chow. The first day was spent sightseeing. This was largely because they couldn’t find their hotel. The hotel was supposed to be in a suburb of Beijing. But they discovered soon that ‘Mandarin’ was a fairly common name for a hotel. Language was a huge issue for our hopeless tourists. And it becomes an even more serious issue for this winter. Chinese dialects and GYAANDOSTAANI had little in common. Ray Chow’s grasp of the Chinese language was reprehensible. Mandarin is not pronounced phonetically as Mandarin in Chinese. It has an even more appalling sound in GYAANDOSTAANI. Then to translate the exchange between locals and our tourists becomes an impossibility. To attempt to print these exchanges could lead to the usage of hundreds of pages, and the subsequent resignation of 4 sub-editors, 2 printers, a printing machine, and 5 interns which although in itself is not such a bad result for this winter, is still a dangerous precedent for books involving different cultures and languages going forward. So, in order not to wreck commerce across the length and breadth of South East Asia, let’s cut to the chase. Let’s move the story to page 169 (Chinese script), page 243 (Gyaandostaani script) or whatever page number is printed at the bottom of this page. Oops! I know you just checked. Never mind, let’s move to a conference room in the Mandarin hotel where the big meeting is engineered between Amama, Mr D’Souza, and Ray Chow with some important Chinese officials. Initially there is a misunderstanding and the meeting is with the catering staff of the hotel, but when two of the Chinese officials drape aprons on Amama and Ray Chow, and a third serves them Peking Duck from Xinhua Province, nowhere next to the erstwhile Peking, the penny drops.
The second meeting is the Real McCoy or more appropriately the real Fa-Hein. Seven Chinese officials dressed in dark suits sat in stoic silence listening to Ray Chow’s presentation. Alongside them was an extremely pretty Chinese girl who was acting as translator. The meeting was like a waltz. A one two and then chacha-cha. Ray would say a few words then wail as the pretty translator translated. Then the officials would ask questions, and she would reverse translate to Gyaandostaani. The questions the officials asked were hard-hitting ones, such as:
Why can’t a man of Chinese descent speak in Chinese?
Why was Mr D’Souza asleep?
How on earth did Ray Chow have so much hair on his chest?
Ray’s presentation itself was the usual humbug of how, under the Ball and Socket Party, China would enjoy the advantage of unrestrained trade, and the right of just refusal to each and all trade and commerce contracts. In lieu of this as a gesture of good faith, if the Chinese could grant 50 million US dollars towards the party’s election fund, everybody involved would emerge winners. At this last piece of information, the Chinese officials laughed heartily. Official no. 4 had a hysterical fit while no. 7 may have wet his pants from laughing so hard. No. 7 informed that not only was this a incredulous sum, but more importantly they would be billing the GYAANDOSTAANIS for dinner, though this was a 3 o’clock in the afternoon meeting. At this suggestion, the hysteria started afresh again. Ray Chow and Amama looked disconsolate, defeated even, and then it happened.
Mr D’Souza woke up and started talking in GYAANDOSTAANI. Except no one in the whole world, in any culture or language demographic could actually understand what Mr D’ Souza was saying. In actuality, all the old man wanted was a trip to the toilet, but his manner and verbal examination had a cathartic effect, sort of, on the Chinese officials. They loved him. One thought he resembled a chimpanzee who recently tried to mate with a dry fountain in Beijing zoo except the chimp appeared to be a little taller. Another thought he sounded just like the Egyptian ambassador to China who had suffered severe speech impediment after an accident, whilst shaving and brushing his teeth simultaneously. Another felt he resembled his 93-year- old father-in-law who was in an advanced state of Alzheimer’s, and thus reminded another official of the said chimpanzee in Beijing Zoo that Mr D’Souza also reminded the previous official off initially. Amama and Ray Chow became redundant. Soon the officials were playing games with Mr D’Souza, getting him to bark like a dog (this was done when he was asked to do his impression of a fish drowning). Then one time he made sounds like a 79-year-old turtle’s digestive system. This of course was in response to a request to sing the GYAANDOSTAANI anthem. Whatever it was, they loved him. The meeting continued for hours. The 7 officials and the pretty translator soon invited their friends and family to meet the new star who kept outdoing himself with audio so offensive to the sophisticated ear that it just had to be heard at least once. So deliriously happy were the officials that once they finished taking photographs and videos of this greatest thing since the Great Wall, that they merrily drew up contracts between themselves and the Ball and Socket Party. The effect of these contracts will be felt only at the end of the tale which is either on page 207 (Chinese), 296 (Gyaandostaani), or whenever you decide it should be, dear reader. But more of that later. For now Mr D’Souza had brought two civilizations together simply by his inability to concentrate. In fact, this great success was achieved when all Mr D’Souza was ever trying to do was visit the toilet.
History in fact is replete with miscommunication leading to social success. Alexander thought King Puru was teaching him a classical dancing form. Puru thought Alexander was looking for his mother who had gone missing. And the two men bonded, though no accurate account of their actual conversation has been recorded.
The Ball and Socket Party members meanwhile were not privy to the goings-on in China. This is because back in China, Ray Chow was clinging to an old Chinese proverb that first occurred in Las Vegas: ‘What happens in China,
stays in China’. They were however privy to the goings-on in the government. Paul showed Colleen a copy of The Waving Flag. The front page had a picture of President Jagee in his swim trunks standing arms akimbo on a two-metre diving board. His left foot was bent toward his right knee, and his body was tight and perched to dive. The headlines said, ‘The President’s new driver. Power to the People.’ Paul read out the article aloud:
‘President Jagee has done it again. First he gave GYAANDOSTAAN over 40 new card tables to encourage the game of bridge. Then he had all the speed breakers painted black and white. In fact, lets list his achievements first, shall we? He was the first to introduce the pin card no., for your pin card number, thus creating a double lock security for you to fight credit fraud. He was the first to use arrows in the public works department. Now you can tell whether a road is a one way or not, except when it’s not. To help with the environment, he came up with the concept of the same T-shirt week where one wears the same T-shirt, Monday to Sunday. His point that if the military could do it, so could we was well documented. He pioneered the discount coupon scheme for vegetarians on every 4th Saturday of the month, thus giving a major fillip to animal awareness. He had substantially helped build relations between GYAANDOSTAAN and several countries. By visiting Japan to play golf on alternate weekends, he’d brought those countries closer. In Canada he owned hotels that gave a 7½ percent discount for Gyaandostaan citizens during summer. In Switzerland he owned two mountains and over a 100 chalets. In France a sea resort. In Australia a chain of shrimp farms. And now this champion of champion is restoring power to people. In an unprecedented move, President Col. Jagee had abolished power cuts, thus making GYAANDOSTAAN the first country in the world to do so. All citizens will, with immediate effect, enjoy unlimited power and electricity, day and night, from this point on. And where are the funds coming from to ensure “Power to the People”? Well, ladies and gentlemen, from our great humanitarian Col. Jagee himself. He is cancelling his yearly holiday and also selling his malls in Wassaw to ensure that Power to the People becomes his legacy. Col. Jagee’s other achievements include:
Netagiri Page 10