First and only man to fly in a hot air balloon across the length and breadth of Bey. (Readers please note, flying hot air balloons are completely banned in the country of GYAANDOSTAAN. )
Underwater holding breath champion. 73½ seconds; a GYAANDOSTAANI record.
GYAANDOSTAANI record of standing on only his left foot for 2 hours 37 minutes, without taking any support. (The support was of course removed with that modern miracle—photoshop. )
Only GYAANDOSTAANI to fight and maim a man eating tiger in Bangladesh when on a youth tour (even though the video evidence of this fight has been lost, there is absolutely no need to doubt him). Got his flying license at 14. His matriculation at 13. Wrote his first book at 10 and shaved for the first time at 7½ years of age. Clearly the first citizen of GYAANDOSTAAN. Now, with the “Power to the People”, he’s joining the ranks of Benjamin Disraeli, Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Nelson Mandela himself as a great statesman in their very likeness.’
Colleen reacted appropriately, making sounds like she was gagging and needed to throw up. There was nothing more to do. A meeting, an emergency meeting, was called between the SWIM brothers, Shampoo, and the Ball and Socket Party.
The SWIM brothers couldn’t catch a break since the tone of voice Paul and Colleen used scared them to their white socks. They tried to merge with the grey sofa, but to no avail. The next time they checked, they were still there with Paul, Colleen, Shabbir Hossein, and Bella Terrace. Since all 4 were asking them questions at the same time, the SWIM brothers started experiencing their hourly anxiety attack. You could spot a SWIM brother anxiety attack a mile away.
Their heads would slowly slip inside their starched white collars simultaneously. By rendering themselves headless, they imagined they wouldn’t have to answer any questions. In much the way an ostrich buries his head in the sand to fool the lioness into thinking the rest of him is not an ostrich. A ploy that has worked once every twelve thousand times. But Paul Huskee was on the attack.
Paul: ‘There is no way the “Power to the People” concept could’ve come from that nincompoop. You have to have suggested it.’
Colleen: ‘And for God’s sake get you heads out of your collars and pretend you are real men.’
To be fair, when Paul was speaking, there was some signage, some movement, to suggest heads would pop back out to their original positions, but the moment Colleen’s ordering started, the head stripped back with a boomerang effect to way below collar level and relative safety ensconced in the middle of the shirt. So it was up to Bella Terrace—the voice of reason. She was the most experienced and decided to go for tact and a more mature approach.
Bella Terrace: ‘I will count to 5. Just to 5. By 5 if your heads aren’t out of your shirts, they will be NEVER coming out. Comprende hombres?’ Bella Terrace’s love affair with the Spaghetti Western needs a mention here.
The last two words made little sense as the SWIM name was not really used in any Latin language. Latin or not, the SWIM brothers finally did react to this new threat. This they did by sinking even lower, miraculously (though no substantive proof is available), into possibly their trouser territory.
At this, Bella Terrace and Colleen started to take matters into their own hands. Their hands entered the collars of the SWIM brothers in a ‘flushing out’ operation that could end only one way, with the ostriches suffering some form of cardiac arrest. Just as the SWIM brothers were about to meet a horrible end, Shampoo burst through the door. Hurriedly, he explained that all was well, and how the President was going to change astronomical rates for power post elections, so all they really had to do was make a public promise that his offer would hold good in the new term, failing which he would be forced to abdicate the throne.
As calmness returned to the Ball and Socket Party, the SWIM brothers simultaneously thanked everyone from deep inside their white shirts and made quick their exit. Call it...er....a headstart, but they needed to put some distance between themselves and all political parties for the time. Back at the Ball and Socket headquarters, Paul started formulating his plan.
Paul: ‘We’ve got a three-pronged platform with which we’ll attack him. One—failed promises. Two— corruption and nepotism using public machinery for personal gain. Three—lunacy; he wears no clothes, makes ridiculous gestures, has no respect for the law and is, if subjected to the appropriate tests, certifiably insane.’
12
Ray Chow was really happy with himself. China had been a super success. He came back with various trade contacts, the biggest being that the GYAANDOSTAAN based Ball and Socket Party would now be the sole providers of woollen socks to every single province, village, and city in China. Woollen socks were very popular in China, and were always in short supply. Getting this monopoly could make the economy of a small country like GYAANDOSTAAN. The math was mind boggling—with 1. 3 billion people in China, and with most having two feet, 2. 6 million socks had to be made and sold on a yearly basis. GYAANDOSTAAN had a substance, a sap from their Ligor trees which, when hardened and treated chemically, came to resemble wool. The whole process was cheaper than using sheep. And unlike sheep who were available everywhere, Ligor was native only to GYAANDOSTAAN. They would thus gain support of the second most powerful lobby in the world, after the defence lobby—the animal rights’ lobby.
The Glasnost Times carried a full front page story replete with photos of Ray Chow’s successful conquest of China. The pictures included Ray Chow leaning on the Great Wall, sailing on the Yang Tse river, attending a Chinese opera in Shanghai, and in China Valley (the last one being a popular restaurant in Bey, but nobody seemed to notice).
The Glasnost Times spoke of how, with the thousands of acres of Ligor trees that the Huskee family owned, there was going to be a woollen revolution, and GYAANDOSTAAN would do business of 5. 2 billion dollars a year from the woollen sock trade, at the very least. More than tripling the entire business model of the present government under Col. Jagee.
Also mentioned in the article was how Mr D’Souza brought honour to GYAANDOSTAAN, having earned China’s highest possible award, ‘The Ment of China’, for no particular reason. He also became the brand ambassador for a variety of Chinese products, including an acupuncture company, a phone answering service, and for Chinese tourism. In fact, so successful and popular had Mr D’Souza become that Ray Chow had to commit the ultimate sacrifice and leave him behind in Beijing to carry out his various commitments and just to ensure he didn’t get lost, Amama was also detained to chaperon China’s favourite foreign son.
Amama then got into the act, and started marketing their new cash cow. An audio tape entitled ‘Mr D’Souza Says’ became a game changer. In this tape, Mr D’Souza recorded famous Gyaandostaani-to- Chinese phrases. The tape sold out in 16 minutes flat. And this in a country where no one owned tape recorders anymore. Amama then charged exorbitantly for public appearances and Mr D’Souza was well on his way to becoming a prominent industry on his own. Although he did think it a trifle peculiar that tourists in China were themselves subject to be photo grouped continuously and encouraged to talk on P.A. systems to large crows of citizens.
Col. Jagee stormed: ‘AMERICA. They’ve got China. We’ll get America.’
Shampoo immediately pointed out the real problem with this plan. Col. Jagee was banned from entering America for 20 years, 9 of which were still left.
Col. Jagee: ‘India. Let’s get India.’
Shampoo: ‘India? Nobody does business with India. Nobody knows who’s in-charge.’
Col. Jagee: ‘Japan?’
Shampoo: ‘You’re on their “No Fly” list.’
Col. Jagee: ‘South Korea?’
Shampoo: ‘They won’t even pick up our phones.’
Col. Jagee: ‘Okay Canada, then we’ve already had their top dog over, so let’s get Canada to play ball.
Col. Jagee had just entered his Julius Caesar phase. Somebody had taken him to a production of Julius Caesar in Europe and Col. Jagee was
in love almost immediately. Now, dressed in a brown Toga, he was toying with the idea of wearing a laurel wreath. Then better sense prevailed and he removed the Toga and wore just the laurel wreath.
Col. Jagee: ‘Think of what trade we can set up with Canada that’ll net us billions in dollars? What are they in need of?’
Shampoo: ‘People.’
Col. Jagee: ‘Okay, let’s give them people. How much can we charge per person? Roughly?’
Shampoo: ‘You mean sell Gyaandostaani citizens to Canada?’
Col. Jagee: ‘Yes, at least a thousand dollars a man?’
Shampoo: ‘You mean like slaves?’
Col. Jagee: ‘Yes, slaves exactly. So thousand for men and fifteen hundred for women? What’s a million multiplied by thousand?’
Shampoo: ‘Sir I don’t think we can just sell people. In today’s day and age, it’s a lot more complicated than that.’
Col. Jagee: ‘Don’t be negative. Canada wasn’t built in a day.’
As they talked, Shampoo slowly convinced the great leader to put on his Toga. More advisors were called in and Col. Jagee outlined his master plan. As he put it, people were more expensive than socks. And more of a nuisance. If over a three-year plan three million Gyaandostaanis could be sold off to Canada, they’d be rolling in it. But one million was a lot in a country of roughly forty million. Shampoo tried to explain that while he was dressing as Julius Caesar, and morphing occasionally into Mussolini. The Sandwich Party, as timble as it was, wasn’t quite the Third Reich. However, Col. Jagee couldn’t be talked out of it. He saw only advantages to the plan such as all members of the party could make lists of people they wanted to have disappear to Canada. In fact he got so excited by this last thought that he himself immediately started scribbling down his own list.
Finally, with great difficulty, Shampoo convinced Jagee that such a plan would only be feasible with the consent of Canada.
Shampoo: ‘Sir, first and foremost you’ll have to visit Canada before we take this any further.’
Col. Jagee: ‘Okay, great, not a problem. Let’s take the bull by the horns. Er... just one...er...thing...’
Shampoo: ‘Yes, Sir?’
Col. Jagee: ‘Am I banned in Canada?’
13
14th of May midnight was a very important date in the GYAANDOSTAANI calendar. It was on this day that the Macedonian army beat a retreat from the country that today is called GYAANDOSTAAN. Okay, this is historically not that accurate. Nobody knows when or why the Macedonians left. From all accounts the locals begged them not to. After all, it was the Macedonians who went about constructing things like medical shelters, places of study, bridges, roads, wine shops, and amphitheatres. In fact, they were so loved that every local family adopted a Macedonian soldier. It is said the soldier’s every whim was catered to. If one took a bath, he wouldn’t have to use his own hands, to give just one example.
Macedonian historian Rahaesphan said, ‘Their beards were too tightly strung.’ This is an old Macedonian saying which means the soldiers were feeling suffocated. Some tried to drown themselves, while others started disguising themselves as village womenfolk. This does explain why in parts of Gyaandostaan some women still have strong Macedonian features. Many said they had to see a man about a dog after which they would leave the house, never to return, and march straight back to Macedonia. Whatever the true nature of their exit, GYAANDOSTAANI politicians, using the best tool available to a politician—fiction—created a National Independence Day.
The month of May was chosen after much careful deliberation. The sole basis of this deliberation was Rahaesphan’s monumental treatise of the country titled 1, 879 Parallels Between Hell And GYAANDOSTAAN, a statistic that was strongly questioned by the Scottish Historian William McStatt in his fine historical masterpiece, Rahaesphan Was Wrong: There are 2276 Parallels Between Hell and GYAANDOSTAAN although his sequel I Was Wrong: There Are 3964 Parallels Between Hell and GYAANDOSTAAN was the book that brought GYAANDOSTAAN into the light of the modern world.
Back to Rahaesphan’s epic work, the month of May was chosen as this word ‘May’ was the word mentioned most (22, 596) times in the book 1, 879 Parallels Between Hell And GYAANDOSTAAN, though not on one of the occasions was it ever used as a noun.
Clearly, the facts are hoary. But hoary and GYAANDOSTAAN were two peas in the pod. But why the history lesson? Well, dear reader, because finally, and this time one is forced to swear on all that is sacred, the story starts from here. This date, 14th May, 20 and something, is when our tale basically unfolds. Forget what you’ve read before. I most definitely have. And I’ve written some of it. It all begins on the 14th of May.
I’m sure you’ve guessed it already. Just in case you haven’t, let me explain further. The 14th of May was also Parliamentary Games Day in GYAANDOSTAAN. That’s right—a day when the entire parliament is cajoled into taking part in an athletics programme at the famous Col. Jagee Park overlooking the beautiful Bey Valley where the Parliamentary Games were enacted. Year after year.
In true athletic tradition, Col. Jagee would ‘fix’ all the events, thus ensuring his favourites would win all the laurels. Thus it was a matter of great prestige to win in an event at the Parliamentary Games. For the last seven years, Col. Jagee himself won the 100-metres race and bear in mind that in three of the seven years he hadn’t even turned up for the competition. The events of course were a mixture of old, traditional, and new.
The old were the sprints. The traditional included the coconut water race where you drank up the coconut water using a straw in your nostril. The new included events like who can last longer in a cage with a boa constrictor. Again, in the last case, Col. Jagee himself was a worthy return winner every single year. In fact at this particular event, his confidence was so high that this year he insisted on having a boa constrictor in his cage that was alive!
Though after his aides showed him what a boa constrictor could do to a large watermelon (possibly the closest living thing to Col. Jagee at that time), he was more than happy to turn back to plan ‘A’.
This May 14th, the Parliamentary Games were going to have a different hue. The Ball and Socket Party were on the rise and soon Col. Jagee would be wishing he was the watermelon instead. It was all down to the obstacle relay. The Ball and Socket Party, which, under the unbalanced Machado, would lose and lose badly every single time to the Sandwich Party, was gung-ho and on a mission. Firstly, the obstacle relay squad had a new look about them. Shabbir Hoosein, Ray Chow, the just-returned-from-China Amama, and Paul Huskee looked relatively fitter and pretty shipshape compared to the Sandwich Squad comprising of Col. Jagee, his trusted untrusty aide Shampoo, and the SWIM brothers. The latter much to their chagrin.
The SWIM brothers were mortified of open places, and weren’t used to the sun, whose bright appearance at 9 o’clock in the morning added to their fear and anxiety. How they begged Col. Jagee to let them off the hook, but unfortunately, gripped by anxiety and paralyzed by fear at the advancing President of GYAANDOSTAAN, no actual formal words were able to leave their mouths. Instead, long-held same- sounding syllables took their place. And it’s difficult to make a strong point to a President of a country with a lengthy oooooooo, much less a well held, ‘eouuuuuu’. Now before we enjoy the race, let’s understand the events in the event, so to speak.
Obstacle relay took its name from old GYAANDOSTAANI rituals which included, but were not restricted to, getting up, washing hands, and brushing teeth. Legend has it (apparently legend always has it) that the Macedonians who occupied ancient GYAANDOSTAAN were the first civilized race (uncivilized races were brushing their teeth as well as other body parts from time immemorial) to actually clean their teeth.
They were forced to do that because of the sediment that stuck to them after they bathed in the KWONGEK river. This was done using the world’s first ever toothbrush, a GYAANDOSTAANI local’s fingers. Sometimes with the GYAANDOSTAANI local’s permission.
In the present obstacle rel
ay, 4 participants per team were used. The first leg consisted of covering a contestant in soot and then pushing him into a khaki sack. The sack was spun around 3 times, and then the disoriented occupants had to bounce toward the 100 metre line. Many of them obviously would go in the wrong direction. Some to never be seen again. However, if you made it to the second leg, i. e. the 100-metre mark, the next contestant would have to remove the man from the sack, brush off all his soot, including that found on his teeth, after which both would have to climb into the sack together and hobble off to the 200 metre mark. Here, they were greeted by their third partner, who would place the sack and its occupants in a Tuk Tuk (like the ones found on the streets of Bangkok in the days of old when there was no emergency declaration). He would then hand pull the Tuk Tuk to the 300-metre mark line where he too would get into the sack. This is where the final team member came in. Using only his feet, he would have to kick the sack with the three occupants all the way to the finish line. It was not so much a matter of getting to the finish line as much as it was about actually finishing the race. To ensure the race was just and fair, Col. Jagee’s people ensured that the opponents got smaller sacks.
This year the packed stadium were in for a shock as they would be privy to an actual competition race.
The Ball and Socket gang were in the third lane. In the 4th premiere lane was Col. Jagee and his team. When the race was about to commence, Col. Jagee’s team started to hand out the sacks. Col. Jagee beamed at his overconfident team, like the look a tiger gives when killing a deer with a case of multiple paralysis. However, Col. Jagee was in for a rude shock when Paul Huskee pulled out his own custom-made sacks. An argument ensued. The rule book was pulled out. Paul Huskee explained that it was clearly stated in the rules that whoever got the higher sponsorship had the right to provide the apparatus for the competition. What Col. Jagee didn’t know was that the company ‘GYAANDOSTAAN’S VELCRO’ was an extension of the Forbes Top 10 MNC based in China—the Hing Hing Corporation—and that the Ball and Socket were their long arm in India. They were the sponsors for the GYAANDOSTAANI Parliamentary Games. The deal had been inked and signed by Col. Jagee himself.
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