Another Fine Myth

by Robert Asprin

  "Correct, now let me ask you a question. Am I correct in assuming from your words you have some knowledge of demons?"

  "I have been a demon hunter for over fifteen years now," he declared proudly.

  "Oh, yeah?" For a minute I was afraid Aahz was going to blow the whole gambit, but he got himself back under control and continued. "Then tell me, friend. In your long experience with demons, have you ever met one who looked like a demon?"

  "Of course not! They always use their magik to disguise themselves."

  Fat lot he knew about demons!

  "Then that should prove my point!"

  "What point?"

  I thought for a moment Aahz was going to take him by the shoulders and shake him. It occurred to me that perhaps Aahz's subtleties were lost on this world.

  "Let me try, Aahz. Look, sir. What he's trying to say is that if he were a demon he wouldn't look like a demon, but he does so he isn't."

  "Oh!" said the man with sudden understanding.

  "Now you've lost me," grumbled Aahz.

  "But if you aren't a demon, why do you look like one?"

  "Ahh . "" Aahz sighed, "therein lies the story. You see, I'm accursed!"

  "Accursed?"

  "Yes. You see, I am a demon hunter like yourself. A rather successful one, actually. Established quite a name for myself in the field."

  "I never heard of you," grumbled the man.

  "Well, we've never heard of you either," I chimed in.

  "You don't even know my name!"

  "Oh, I'm sorry." I remembered my manners. "I'm Skeeve, and this… demon hunter is Aahz."

  "Pleased to meet you. I am known as Quigley."

  "If I could continue…."

  "Sorry, Aahz."

  "As I was saying, I had achieved a certain renown among the demons due to my unprecedented success. At times it was rather bothersome, as when it was learned I was coming, most demons would either flee the territory or kill themselves."

  "Does he always brag this much?"

  "He's just getting started."

  "Anyway… one day I was closing with a demon, a particularly ugly brute, when he startled me by addressing me by name. 'Aahz!' says he, 'Before you strike, you should know your career is at an end!' Of course I laughed at him, for I had slain demons more fierce than he, sometimes in pairs. 'Laugh if you will,' he boomed, 'but a conclave of demons empowered me to deal with you. Whether you kill me or not, you are doomed to suffer the same end you have visited on so many of us.' I killed him of course, assuming he was bluffing, but my life has not been the same ever since."

  "Why not?"

  "Because of the curse! When I returned to my horse, my faithful squire here took one look at me and fainted dead away."

  "I did no such thing! I mean… it was the heat."

  "Of course. Skeeve." Aahz winked slyly at Quigley.

  "At any rate, I soon discovered to my horror that the demon had worked a spell on me before he expired, causing me to take on the appearance of a demon to all who beheld me."

  "Fiendish. Clever, but fiendish."

  "You see the subtlety of their plan! That I, fiercest of demon hunters, am now hunted in turn by my fellow humans. I am forced to hide like an animal with only my son here for companionship."

  "I thought you said he was your squire."

  "That, too. Oh, the irony of it all."

  "Gee, that's tough. I wish I could do something to help."

  "Maybe you can," Aahz smiled winningly.

  Quigley recoiled. I found it reassuring that someone else shared my reaction to Aahz's smile.

  "Urn… how? I mean, I'm just a demon hunter."

  "Precisely how you might be of assistance. You see, at the moment we happen to have several demons following us. It occurs to me we might be of mutual service to each other. We can provide you with targets, and you in turn can rid us of a bloody nuisance."

  "They're bloody?" Quigley was horrified.

  "Just an expression. Well, what do you say? Is it a deal?"

  "I dunno. I'm already on a mission and I don't usually take on a new job until the last one's complete. The misinformed might think I was quitting or had been scared off or something. That sort of thing is bad for the reputation."

  "It'd be no trouble at all," Aahz persisted. "It's not like you'll have to go out of your way. Just wait right here and they'll be along."

  "Why are they following you, anyway?"

  "A vile magician sent them after us after I was foolish enough to seek his aid. The curse, you know."

  "Of course… wait a minute. Was that magician's name Garkin by any chance?"

  "As a matter of fact it was. Why? Do you know him?"

  "Why, he's my mission! That's the man I'm going to kill."

  "Why?" I interrupted. "Garkin's no demon."

  "But he consorts with demons, lad." Aahz scowled warningly at me. "That's enough for any demon hunter. Right, Quigley?"

  "Right. Remember that, lad."

  I nodded vigorously at him, feeling suddenly very nervous about this whole encounter.

  "Where did you hear about Garkin anyway, Quigley?" Aahz asked casually.

  "Strangely enough, from an inn-keeper… Isstvan, I think he said his name was… a bit strange, but a sincere enough fellow. About three weeks ride back…. but we were talking about your problem. Why did he send demons after you?"

  "Well, as I said, I sought him out to try to get him to remove any curse. What I did not realize was that he was actually in league with demons himself. He had heard of me, and flatly refused me aid. What is more, after we left he set some of his demons on our trail."

  "I see. How many of them did you say there were?"

  "Just two," Aahz assured him. "We've caught glimpses of them occasionally."

  "Very well," concluded Quigley. "I'll do it. I'll assist you in your battle."

  "That's fine except for one thing. We won't be here."

  "Why not? I should think that as a demon hunter you'd welcome the chance once the odds were even."

  "If I were here there would be no fight," Aahz stated grandly. "As I have said, I have a certain reputation among demons. If they saw me here they would simply flee."

  "I frankly find that hard to believe," commented Quigley.

  I was inclined to agree with him, but kept my silence.

  "Well, I must admit their fear of my charmed sword has a bit to do with their reluctance to do battle."

  "Charmed sword?"

  "Yes." Aahz patted the sword at his side. "This weapon once belonged to the famous demon hunter Alfans De Clario."

  "Never heard of him."

  "Never heard of him? Are you sure you're a demon hunter? Why the man killed over two hundred demons with this sword. They say it is charmed such that whomever wields it cannot be killed by a demon."

  "How did he die?"

  "Knifed by an exotic dancer. Terrible."

  "Yes, they're nasty that way. But about the sword, does it work?"

  "It works as well as any sword, a little point-heavy, maybe, but…."

  "No. I mean the charm. Does it work?"

  "I can testify that I haven't been killed by a demon since I started using it."

  "And demons actually recognize it and flee from its owner?"

  "Exactly. Of course, I haven't had occasion to use it for years. Been too busy trying to get this curse removed. Sometimes I've thought about selling it, but if I ever get back into business it would be a big help in… urn… reestablishing my reputation."

  I suddenly realized what Aahz was up to. Quigley rose to the bait like a hungry pike-turtle.

  "Hmm…." he said. "Tell you what. Just to give a hand to a fellow demon hunter who's down on his luck, I'll take it off your hands for five gold pieces."

  "Five gold pieces! You must be joking. I paid three hundred for it. I couldn't possibly let it go for less than two hundred."

  "Oh, well, that counts me out. I only have about fifty gold pieces on me."


  "Fifty?"

  "Yes, I never travel with more than…."

  "But then again, times have been hard, and seeing as how you would be using it to do battle against the fiends who put the curse on me…. Yes, I think I could let you have it for fifty gold pieces."

  "But that's all the money I have."

  "Yes, but what good is a fat purse if you're torn asunder by a demon?"

  "True enough. Let me see it."

  He took the blade and hefted, giving it a few experimental swings.

  "Crummy balance." He grimaced.

  "You get used to it."

  "Lousy steel," he declared, squinting at the blade.

  "Nice edge on it, though."

  "Well, my trainer always told me 'If you take care of your sword, it will take care of you!'"

  "We must have had the same trainer."

  The two of them smiled at each other. I felt slightly ill.

  "Still, I dunno. Fifty pieces of gold is a lot."

  "Just look at those stones in the handle."

  "I did. They're fake."

  "Aha! They're made to look fake. It hides their value."

  "Sure did a nice job. What kind of stones are they?"

  "Blarney stones."

  "Blarney stones?"

  "Yes. They're said to ensure your popularity with the ladies, if you know what I mean."

  "But fifty gold pieces is all the money I have."

  "Tell you what. Make it forty-five gold pieces and throw in your sword."

  "My sword?"

  "Of course. This beauty will take care of you, and your sword will keep my squire and I from being defenseless in this heathen land."

  "Hmm. That seems fair enough. Yes, I believe you have made a deal, my friend."

  They shook hands ceremoniously and began effecting the trade. I seized the opportunity to interrupt.

  "Gee, it's a shame we have to part so soon."

  "Why so soon?" The warrior was puzzled.

  "No need to rush off," Aahz assured him, giving me a solid elbow in the ribs.

  "But Aahz, we wanted to travel more before sundown and Quigley has to prepare for battle."

  "What preparations?" asked Quigley.

  "Your unicorn," I continued doggedly. "Don't you want to catch your unicorn?"

  "My unicorn! All of my armor is on that animal!"

  "Surely it won't wander far…." Aahz growled.

  "There are bandits about who would like nothing better than to get their hands on a good war unicorn." Quigley heaved himself to his feet. "And I want him at my side to help me fight the demons. Yes, I must be off. I thank you for your assistance, my friends. Safe journey until we meet again."

  With a vague wave of his hand, he disappeared into the woods whistling for his mount.

  "Now what was all that about?" Aahz exploded angrily.

  "What, Aahz?"

  "The big rush to get rid of him. As gullible as he was, could have traded him out of his pants or anything else vaguely valuable he might have had on him. I specifically wanted to get my hands on that charm."

  "Basically I wanted to see him on his way before he caught on to the flaw in your little tale."

  "What, the son-nephew slip? He wouldn't have…."

  "No, the other thing."

  "What other thing?"

  I sighed.

  "Look, he saw through your disguise because that pendant lets him see through spells, right?"

  "Right, and I explained it away saying I was the victim of a demon's curse…."

  "… that changed your appearance with a spell. But if he could see through spells, he should be able to see through that spell to see you as a normal man. Right?"

  "Hmm…. Maybe we'd better be on our way now that we know where Isstvan is."

  But I was unwilling to let my little triumph go so easily.

  "Tell me, Aahz. What would you do if we encountered a demon hunter as smart as me?"

  "That's easy." He smiled, patting the crossbow. "I'd kill him. Think about it."

  I did.

  Chapter Seven

  "Is there anything in the universe more beautiful and protective than the simple complexity of a spider's web?"

  -CHARLOTTE

  I CLOSED my eyes for concentration. This was more difficult than drawing energies from the force line directly into my body. I pointed a finger for focus, pointing at a spot some five yards distant from me.

  The idea of drawing energies from a distant location and controlling them would have seemed impossible to me, until Aahz pointed out it was the same as the candle-lighting exercise I had already mastered. Now it did not seem impossible, merely difficult.

  Confidently, I narrowed my concentration, and in my mind's eye saw a gleaming blue light appear at the designated point. Without breaking my concentration, I moved my finger overhead in a slow arc. The light followed the lead, etching a glowing blue trail in the air behind it. As it touched the ground again, or where I sensed the ground to be, I moved my finger again, moving the light into the second arc of the protective pentagram.

  It occurred to me that what I was doing was not unlike forming the normal flat pentagram Garkin had used at the hut. The only difference being that instead of being inscribed on the floor, this was etched overhead with its points dipping downward to touch the earth. It was more an umbrella than a border.

  The other major difference, I thought as I completed the task, was that I was doing it. Me. Skeeve. What I had once watched with awe, I was now performing as routine.

  I touched the light down in its original place, completing the pentagram. Quietly pleased, I stood for a moment, eyes closed, studying the glowing blue lines etched in my mind's eye.

  "Terrific, kid," came Aahz's voice. "Now what say you damp it down a bit before we draw every peasant and demon hunter in the country."

  Surprised, I opened my eyes.

  The pentagram was still there! Not imagined in my mind, but actually glowing overhead. Its cold blue light gave an eerie illumination to the scene that negated the warmth of our little campfire.

  "Sorry, Aahz." I quickly eased my control on the energy and watched as the lines of the pentagram faded to invisibility. They were still there. I could feel their presence in the night air above me. Now, however, they could not be seen by normal vision.

  More for the joy of it than out of any lack of confidence, I closed my eyes again and looked at them. They glowed there in shimmering beauty, a cooler, reassuring presence to counter the impatience of the red-gold glow of the force-line spear pointing doggedly toward tomorrow's path.

  "Sit down, kid, and finish your lizard-bird."

  We were out of the forest proper now, but despite the presence of the nearby road, game was still plentiful and fell ready victim to my snares. Aahz still refused to join me in the meals, insisting alcohol was the only thing in this dimension worth consuming, but I dined frequently and royally.

  "You know, kid," he said, looking up from his endless sword-sharpening. "You're really coming along pretty well with your studies."

  "What do you mean?" I mumbled through a bone, hoping he would elaborate.

  "You're a lot more confident with your magik. You'd better watch your controls, though. You had enough energy in that pentagram to fry anything that bumped against it."

  "I guess I'm still a bit worried about the assassins."

  "Relax, kid. It's been three days since we set 'em up in that ambush of Quigley's. Even if he didn't stop 'em, they'll never catch up with us now."

  "Did I really summon up that much power?" I urged, eager for praise.

  "Unless you're actually engaged in magical battle, wards are used as a warning signal only. If you put too much energy into them it can have two potentially bad side effects. First, you can draw unnecessary attention to yourself by jarring or burning an innocent bystander who blunders into it. Second, if it actually reaches a magical opponent, it probably won't stop him; just alert him that he has a potentially dangerous foe in
the area."

  "I thought it was a good thing if I could summon up lots of power."

  "Look, kid. This isn't a game. You're tapping into some very powerful forces here. The idea is to strengthen your control, not see how much you can liberate. If you get too careless with experimenting, you could end up helpless when the actual crunch comes."

  "Oh," I said, unconvinced.

  "Really, kid. You've got to learn this. Let me try an example. Suppose for a minute you're a soldier assigned to guard a pass. Your superiors put you on the post and give you a stack of ten-pound rocks. All you have to do is watch to see if anyone comes, and if they do, drop a rock on their head. Are you with me so far?"

  "I guess so."

  "Fine. Now it's a long, boring duty, and you have lots of time to think. You're very proud of your muscles, and decide it's a bit insulting that you were only given ten-pound rocks. Twenty-pound rocks would be more effective, and you think you could handle them as easily as the ten-pound variety. Logical?"

  I nodded vaguely, still not sure what he was driving at.

  "Just to prove the point to yourself, you heft a twenty-pound rock, and, sure enough, you can handle it. Then it occurs to you if you can handle a twenty-pounder, you should be able to handle a forty-pounder, or even a fifty-pounder. So you try. Then it happens."

  He was getting so worked up I felt no need to respond.

  "You drop it on your foot, or you pull a muscle, or you keel over from heat exhaustion, or any one of a hundred other things. Then where are you?"

  He leveled an accusing finger at me.

  "The enemy strolls through the pass you're supposed to be guarding and you can't even lift the original ten-pound rock to stop them. All because you indulged in needless testing of idiotic muscle power!"

  I was impressed, and gave the matter serious thought before replying.

  "I see what you're saying, Aahz, but there's one flaw in your example. The keyword is 'needless.' Now in my case, it's not a matter of having a stack of ten-pound rocks that would do the job. I have a handful of gravel. I'm trying to scrounge around for a rock big enough to do some damage."

  "True enough," Aahz retorted, "but the fact remains if you overextend yourself you won't be able to use what you already have. Even gravel can be effective if used at the right time. Don't underrate what you've got or what you're doing. Right now you're keeping the finder spear going, maintaining the wards, and keeping my disguise intact. That's a lot for someone of your abilities to be doing simultaneously. If something happened right now, which would you drop first?"