Unamused Muse (Mt. Olympus Employment Agency: Muse Book 2)

by R. L. Naquin

  The entire trip across, I white knuckled the side of the boat. The ferryman drove fast, swerving sharply whenever I relaxed, as if intentionally trying to unseat me.

  He pulled up to the dock in front of the waiting line of newcomers and killed the engine. “Peter.”

  “What?” My hands were stiff from holding on so tight.

  “My name is Peter.” The gravelly quality wasn’t as harsh.

  “Oh. Well, it’s nice to meet you, Peter. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

  He nodded, and a little bit of fleshy cheek flashed from under the hood. It was a relief to know he wasn’t a skeleton, at least.

  I disembarked and made a concerted effort not to run to the guardhouse, feeling Peter the creepy ferryman’s eyes following my every step.

  Mandy threw the door open. “Yay! I’m glad you’re here. Come in. Come in.”

  I ducked inside the small building, relieved when she shut the door. “That is one creepy dude.”

  “Who? Peter?”

  I nodded. “I don’t know why I thought Hal was the only ferryman. Or that they were all normal-looking guys.”

  She laughed. “Peter’s chubby and wears glasses. He’s as normal-looking as you and me. He just likes to dress up and scare people.”

  I scowled. “Awesome.”

  She took the envelope from me and tore it open. “We all do weird stuff around here to keep it interesting.”

  I thought about the magical inspiration bubbles hidden in my pocket. “I guess we do.”

  Once Mandy changed the gate code for the week, she showed me how to do her job—or rather, the part that I needed to do for the next couple of hours.

  “Really, you only need to babysit for me. Use the clicker to count heads as they come in.” She pointed through the window that faced the gate. “See how the new people have a sort of shimmery, translucent look to them?”

  I squinted. “I never noticed that before.”

  “It’s not obvious unless you’re looking for it. Then you can’t un-see it.”

  “Why are they like that?”

  “They haven’t been issued Underworld bodies yet. That’s their first stop after they check in. Right now, they’re only souls.”

  That explained how the people getting off the boat had disappeared. I peered out the window. “So, what am I watching for?”

  “You’re looking for anybody who doesn’t shimmer and looks solid, like we are.”

  “People sneaking in? Who would do that?”

  She shrugged. “It doesn’t happen as much these days, since people are more inclined to think of their loved ones as having gone to Heaven or Hell. But now and then, you get someone who knows how things really work—mostly people like us who work in one of the mythos worlds. People like that sometimes try to break in through the gates and retrieve someone they’ve lost. It’s sad. But it’s my job to make sure they don’t get far.” She paused. “Plus, you know, sometimes a soul tries to turn around and go back. That’s not good either.”

  “So, what do I do if either of those things happen?” I was horrified. I wasn’t trained to tackle souls and force them into their afterlife. What had Parker gotten me into?

  “Simple. You just call the dogs. They’ll take care of it. In fact, let’s get you reacquainted.”

  I followed her outside, dragging my feet. “You’re going to make me walk them again, aren’t you?” I knelt and let all six heads sniff and lick my hands.

  “That’s the best way to do it, and they won’t have another chance to go until I get back.” She grinned and handed me the leashes. “Hurry back. My appointment’s at 10:30, and I have to take the ferry, so I’d like to catch Peter on his next trip around.”

  I clipped the leashes to the collars of each dog and let them lead the way. Big mistake. Kevin went one way, and Bosco went the other.

  “Hey!” My arms were pulled in different directions, stretching like a giant piece of bubblegum.

  I yanked both chains and the dogs stopped. Two of Bosco’s heads whined, and all three lowered their noses toward the ground as he turned and trotted back. Kevin stood his ground, heads held high.

  Apparently, Kevin was the boss.

  Bosco behaved after that and let Kevin lead. I held tight to the leather loops on the leashes and followed behind. They led me along the river, around a dead tree, and over two dried-up shrubs. They paid no regard to the human trying to keep up.

  Eventually, they both did their business, but they refused to turn around and return to the gate.

  I tugged. I yanked. I gave sharp commands. I pleaded. “Please? Come on, guys, my arms are tired.”

  Kevin sat on his haunches and regarded me with three sets of baleful eyes. Bosco dropped to the ground and stuck his legs in the air, asking for a belly rub.

  “We have to get back. Really. Mandy’s got a dentist appointment.” I plopped to the ground and scratched heads with one hand and a belly with the other. “Please?”

  Kevin’s left head sneezed in response.

  I shifted, and something in my pocket got in my way. Bubbles. I pulled them out and looked around. We were in the middle of nowhere. The newly departed, the gate, and the dock were far off in the distance. No one was around.

  I unscrewed the lid, took out the pink wand, and blew through the heart-shaped hole.

  A string of tiny bubbles drifted toward the six faces of the dogs. Would it work on two at once? Did the bubbles even affect animals? Could they work at all when I wasn’t equipped with my fancy Muse-issued belt of invisibility and standard-issue golden wand?

  I dipped my cheap wand in the liquid and blew again, watching the weird light of the Underworld cast the translucent bubbles in a golden glow. “Don’t you guys want to go back, now? Mandy wants to say goodbye. You’re the best guard dogs in all the universe. You should get back to work.”

  A bubble popped on one of Bosco’s noses, and he snorted. Kevin’s middle head yawned.

  I really sucked at this.

  I tried again, this time blowing slower to create larger bubbles. I put all my concentration into them, willing the dogs to be on their way.

  “Come on,” I whispered. “You want to get going now.”

  Kevin stretched and took a step forward. Bosco rolled over and followed.

  And just like that, we were headed back. The first time they stopped to sniff a suspicious patch of ground, I took advantage of the pause to twist the lid closed on my bubbles and drop them in my pocket. The dogs tugged me all the way to the gate.

  “There you are. I was beginning to worry they’d hauled you into the Styx.” Mandy glanced at her watch and hurried over to unhook the dogs. “Boys, time to go back to work.” She gave them each a pat on the rump, and they took off for their posts.

  Once the dogs were settled, she went over everything with me again in the guardhouse, then left me as the roar of the swamp ferry announced Peter’s arrival.

  At first, I was nervous. She’d barely taught me anything, and here I was guarding the gates to the Underworld. All by myself. What if something happened? Sure, the dogs would stop them, but then what? Call security? I was security.

  I needn’t have worried.

  People wandered up to the gate, saw the queue, and took their places at the back. The boat came in, people climbed on, the line moved up. Each time someone came through the gate, I noted it with the little clicker she’d left me.

  That was it.

  An hour in, I sat with my chin resting on my hand, looking through the window as a tall, thin woman in hospital gown stepped through. She looked sad.

  In fact, they all looked sad. I glanced at the rest of the line to verify this. They all looked so worried, as if they were about to be sent to the fiery pits of Hell.

  I wasn’t supposed to leave the guardhouse unless there was an emergency. This didn’t qualify, exactly, but I still felt like I needed to go out there and see some of these people up close.

  I waited until Peter departed with his
latest load, then stepped out of the building. The queue was under control today, so ended long before it reached the gate. I approached the new woman and reached out to her, but drew my hand back as I realized she didn’t have a body yet. Or anymore. She was in between bodies.

  “Are you okay?” I made my voice soft and as reassuring as I could make it so I didn’t startle her.

  Her eyes widened. “Where am I? This is Hell, isn’t it?”

  I shook my head. “Not Hell. It’s the Under…it’s the afterlife. It’s nice here. You’ll like it.”

  She looked away. “You would probably say that if it were Hell, just to fool me.”

  The line moved up a little and she walked on. All up and down the string of people, I heard their murmuring.

  “I tried to be a good person.”

  “Where’s my wife? I don’t want to be in Hell without my wife.”

  “It’s because I stole that stapler from work. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  They were all convinced they were about to be tossed into a fiery furnace. More than one thought they deserved it, usually for some minor offense.

  I checked over my shoulder for newcomers approaching the gate. The road was clear. That put me at the back, behind everyone else. No one cared what I was doing. They were too busy worrying about demons and being tortured for lying to their mothers when they were fourteen.

  I unscrewed my bubbles and blew. And dipped and blew. Then blew again. I blew so many bubbles, my head felt fuzzy and black spots dotted my vision.

  While I blew, I murmured comforting words and sent warm thoughts at them.

  I returned to the guardhouse and watched through the window. There was no breeze, so the bubbles took a while to pop. I couldn’t get them to blow very far up the line, but maybe the back third of the people there were touched by my bubbles.

  One by one, their faces changed. The hard lines of worry softened, and a few slow smiles appeared. I’d had an effect on them.

  Then something stunning happened. The people at the back moved forward and reassured the worried people in the middle. Then the folks in the middle did the same for the front.

  It spread like a warm hug. I sat on my stool watching as slumped shoulders pulled back, chins lifted, and worry lines melted away. In a matter of minutes, the entire queue looked, if not happy, at least unconcerned.

  A man in a blue hat and a raincoat slogged through the gate and took his place at the back. The tall woman turned and spoke to him, and he smiled. When the line shifted a little, he took a confident step, rather than dragging his feet as he had coming in.

  I clicked my counter. A few minutes later, three teenagers came through. The man in the hat turned to them, spoke, and they brightened.

  I clicked my counter three more times for the teenagers and let out a satisfied sigh.

  My bubbles worked fine down here. In fact, they seemed to work even better than they had in the human world.

  ~*~

  When I got back to the office, Parker waved me away. “You’re done. Go home.”

  Had someone seen me with the bubbles and reported me?

  “Did I…did I do something wrong?” My stomach felt like I’d swallowed a toad.

  His eyebrows knitted in a quizzical look. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Why would you say that?” He paused and frowned. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

  I cleared my throat. “I’m fine. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. It’s book club day, is all. Go home. Take a nap or something. Come back tonight to set up like you did two weeks ago. You don’t mind, do you? It’s just that you handled them better than I ever have.”

  “Oh! No. Of course not. I don’t mind. You enjoy your evening with your family. Give the baby a kiss for me.”

  I bolted out of there as fast as my feet would move. Thanks to my guilty reaction, he’d been looking at me like I had a second head—though I guess having a second head around there wasn’t cause for anybody to raise an alarm. Besides, he might keep asking questions. My reaction had screamed “guilty conscience.”

  Once I was in the dorm area, I locked myself in the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I had to pull it together. Phyllis would sprout vines and strangle me if she knew what I’d been up to today.

  “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” I dried my face with a hand towel from the drawer and berated myself in the mirror. “Put the bubbles away. Don’t take chances like that again. Do you want to get stuck here forever?”

  After a few deep breaths, I felt more in control of myself and went to my room.

  “Wynter! You’re home early.” Phyllis sounded genuinely happy to see me. She was probably lonely in my room by herself all the time. Maybe I should have left her up top with Mark.

  “Book club tonight.” I pulled the novel I’d brought with me out of my top drawer and placed it on the dresser. “Don’t let me forget that tonight.”

  She stretched a branch toward my hand and stroked it. “Are you alright, sweetheart?”

  I forced a smile. “Fine. Want to go watch TV in the common room? It’s too early for a nap yet.”

  “Gods, yes.”

  We spent the next few hours chatting about nothing and watching Saved by the Bell reruns and gardening shows. I wanted to tell her about the amazing thing I’d accomplished at the gate, but I was afraid to say anything. Phyllis wouldn’t understand how much I wanted to inspire people. She was all about protecting me—it was the entire reason she’d been given to me. And she believed the person I needed protecting from the most was me. If I told her, she’d be angry that I even had the bubbles in the first place.

  I wanted to keep that warm feeling of having accomplished something magical without it being tainted by common sense and a lecture.

  Plus, I was already beginning to forget my panic at the thought that I’d been caught using the bubbles. My need to play by the rules so I didn’t get stuck here was at odds with my desire to better myself, and in doing so, make things better for others.

  The risks and benefits chased each other around in my head, and it was hard to concentrate on the shenanigans on television. The bubbles in my pocket felt hot, and my fingers itched to take the bottle out and open it. At the same time, my stomach clenched at the idea of getting into trouble for stealing from the gods.

  Simply being with Phyllis soothed me, though, and it made me feel more confident about the choice I’d made. I’d made people happier—less scared.

  Surely that was worth the risk of damning my career forever.

  Chapter 12

  I went back to the office an hour before the midnight meeting. Since I’d done it once before, I worked quickly to set the table and change out the light bulbs. I was a good half hour ahead of the creepy, silent caterer guys.

  While I waited, I thumbed through the book I’d chosen, hoping it would please Hecate and satisfy the rest of the macabre women in the Hags of the Underworld book club. Clearly, the genre they’d been trying to read wasn’t doing the trick.

  The caterers came and went, leaving a questionable spread including what looked to be a dead boa constrictor but may actually have been a spectacular cake. They also set out several bottles of wine.

  I wasn’t convinced that was a great idea with this group, but it wasn’t my call.

  Hecate glided in on her spiked heels, paused at the door to the meeting room long enough to crook a finger at me, then flounced off. I followed.

  Of course I followed. If the goddess of witches and necromancy tells you to follow her, you follow her.

  She was already seated at the head of the table, eyeing my handiwork. “Good. You even placed my gavel correctly.” She plopped her book on the table and patted it. Her nails were frosty pink and filed to sharp points. “Tonight we’ll be finished with this. Did you find me a new one, yet? I’d like to tell them what to start on next before they leave for the night.”

  Her eyelashes were incredibly long. I wondered if they were fake. Or magically gro
wn.

  “Oh. Yes. Hang on.” I raced to my desk and grabbed my book, then hurried back. “Here.” I pushed it toward her across the table.

  She picked it up between two fingers as if it were a dirty dishtowel, her lip curling on one side. “This is…horror.”

  “Yes.” I kept my face neutral.

  She sighed and put it down, pouting. “I was hoping for something that would enrich the minds of my girls. Teach them about the human condition.”

  “Who says horror can’t do that? Or any genre, really. It depends on the book, not the genre.”

  She leaned forward and fixed me with hypnotic eyes. “Did you feel enriched after reading this?”

  I shrugged. “I felt entertained. A little terrified. I don’t know about enriched. Maybe?”

  She flipped the book over and read the description. “It has cats.” Her eyes flashed at me. “Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?”

  “Then you want it?”

  She gave me a slow, satisfied smile. “Oh, I most definitely do. And I’ll want you to lead the meetings while we’re reading it.”

  The small woman with the shock of dark hair—I thought someone had called her Nyx—waddled in and gave me the distraction I needed to duck out.

  Holy crap. Things just got more complicated.

  ~*~

  The Hags of the Underworld were fairly subdued that night. They managed to only break one glass. Most of the food was eaten rather than thrown, and they left by 2:00 AM. Parker was going to love that.

  Hecate stopped by my desk on the way out. “Good meeting. We skimmed over the end of Saving Selena and talked about the next book. Everyone’s getting a copy and starting the first ten chapters for the next meeting. They seem excited.” She placed my book on my desk. “Think about what you’ll want to talk about in two weeks. Maybe have some discussion questions written ahead of time. They get antsy if you aren’t prepared.”

  This was sounding more and more like my worst nightmare.

  “I can’t…I won’t be here after that meeting, you know.”

  She blinked. “What do you mean?”