Probe

by Douglas E Roff

  Agustin left, angry and sad. Angry with the only woman he had ever loved; sad about a woman so confused about the difference between God and Church that she couldn’t see the miracle unfolding before her.

  Agustin wondered how would she have dealt with His teachings had she lived in His times? Agustin was not devout, but he knew Scripture from his childhood.

  Had Maria been there in the time of Christ, Agustin believed she might’ve picked up that first stone and cast it herself.

  Chapter 42

  Adam got off the phone, saddened by the conversation he just ended with Agustin. Dinner would have to be at the sparsely furnished house across the street with Bethy and Edward, or at Adam and Misti’s home.

  And it wouldn’t be today. Tomorrow or later in the week would have to do. Agustin seldom wished to be out front on any family issue, but this was different. Pops didn’t believe in the religious mumbo jumbo from the world of organized religion, but he believed deeply, as did Edward, in the existence of God. That God, however that God might be conceived, had touched his son was without question in Agustin’s mind.

  To Agustin, Adam’s experiences were beyond mysticism; they were a portent of something else. Something physical and natural yet still inspired by God? Time would tell but his money was on Adam as it always had been. This new experience was nothing more than the confirmation of everything Agustin had always believed about his son; Adam was destined for something rare and meaningful, something vastly more important than programming computers.

  Agustin would now be attending dinner solo, as he told his wife she couldn’t attend dinner with the family in her current state of mind. Agustin didn’t want any hint of ugliness displayed to either Noki or Alana; he believed both were innocents and shouldn’t be exposed to Maria’s dogmatic nonsense.

  Agustin loved his son very deeply; he didn’t understand Misti at all, but he still held her in a great deal of affection and respect. That is son was happy was all he concerned himself with. That this incredible story had yet to unfold only made it, for him, the greatest of all family adventures.

  In a world that Maria now believed held the race of Gens, how could Maria doubt her own son’s story? And why?

  “Pops, you can’t seriously think banning Mom is a good idea? Besides, when did you two start to fight? Never.”

  “It will be good for your mother to taste the bitterness of ostracism and rejection. Perhaps it will temper her mood and give her a better insight into real lives, not some foolish Church driven construct of how things ought to be.”

  “What are you talking about, Pops?”

  “Son just reflect on two things. One, that nonsense you were fed in mythology classes every Sunday and, two, your present living situation. Try to put the two together and you will understand what has corrupted your mother’s mind.”

  “Let’s not. Just tell me straight out what’s bothering her. It can’t be serious. I mean, after all, it’s Mom we’re talking about.”

  “As you wish. First, she doesn’t believe any of your story; she believes it is nonsense made up by your wife for her own carnal pleasures. And she believes you’re lying to cover that up. Second, she believes your living arrangement with Noki and Alana are mortal sins, and against Church teachings. She thinks you’ve lost your mind and have abandoned the Church.”

  Adam heard only the first comment; the second could never matter to him, even if it was a problem for his mother. His private life behind closed doors was between him, his wife and his God.

  “Pops, you must be mistaken. I would never lie to Mom. Or you. Never.”

  “And yet…”

  “Then I’m coming back over right now to talk to Mom and set this straight.”

  “No, you’re not. Leave your mother to her beliefs, if they truly are hers. Let’s see if she has the same conviction with her beliefs in the real world as you have with yours. I will not allow her to give Alana or Noki even a single scintilla of undeserved pain over her irrational nonsense. I’m sorry, son, but this time I must insist.”

  “Pops…?”

  “No. Now, where do you want to have dinner and when? Your house or your Dad’s?”

  “Here. Here, of course. Maybe tomorrow or later this week would be best. Maybe Mom will change her mind by then. Will you call Dad and Bethy?”

  “Already have. We’ll have dinner at your place when you’re ready. You, the girls and I can drive into town for groceries tomorrow morning. Not a word to the girls. Or Misti, if that can be managed. We don’t need that kind of toxicity in our lives or theirs. Especially Noki. She carries my grandson and I want to get to know her and your other young friend Alana without all this poisonous nonsense that has nothing to do with them. I want them to feel only love and welcome in this family.”

  “There’ll be questions. Misti will know something is up. The girls are new here, but they’ll know too.”

  “Then make something up. We can talk to Misti tomorrow before we go shopping. Then talk to your Dad so he and Bethy can spend time with Noki and Alana. He’s good at this kind of thing.”

  “You’re sure I shouldn’t drop by to see Mom?”

  “Positive. Go see your Dad.”

  ***

  Adam came inside from his brief walk down to the road and back while speaking to Pops on his cell privately. The girls were giggling about something and got very quiet when he entered the room.

  “It’s going to be like that is it?” he asked.

  “Like what?” replied Misti, fully understanding the question, and what his silly response would be.

  Adam said, smiling, “Three against one.”

  “Three and a half against one,” said Alana. “Your son is on our side too.”

  “We’ll see about that. I can see I’ll have to start talking to him right away before this all gets out of hand. He’s going to need his Dad to survive in this family of dominating and strong females.”

  Noki said nothing, new to the dynamic, but watching intently. Misti said, “Poor him. Poor you. Three women who love and care about you and yet you’re still complaining?”

  Adam smiled, then said. “You’re right. I have nothing to complain about and either does little Adam, Jr. In fact, I realize that I’m the luckiest guy on the planet and getting luckier every day. What have you ladies decided in my absence?”

  Misti stopped, thinking something wasn’t right. “Don’t change the subject, mister. What are you up to, anyway? That was way too easy.”

  “Yeah, mister,” said Alana.

  “Leave me out of this. I’m confused,” said Noki.

  “Listen and learn then Noki,” said Misti. “Mister here, aka Adam, is the only person on the planet worse than me at needing to get in the last word. Honestly, he’s pathological. Learned it from his Dad, I think. Besides he’s a ‘know it all’ and a spoiled brat. So, when he gives up too quickly, he’s up to no good. That much I do know.”

  “Really?” asked Noki, looking at Adam.

  Adam walked over to Noki, and placed his hand on her belly, “Don’t listen to them son. And please hurry, I need your support. I’m hoping your mom will be the swing vote. Otherwise we’re screwed!”

  “Boo hoo, boo fucking hoo hoo hoo,” was all Misti said, motioning fake tears streaming down her eyes.

  “Poor thing!” was all Alana said, laughing.

  “Leave me out of this,” said Noki. “I am confused.”

  “Don’t be,” said Adam. “They just don’t want me having a big head and a bigger ego. And Misti is right. I am a brat. A very big brat.”

  Noki laughed for a change, “You mean you’re a guy, right?”

  “Same thing.”

  ***

  Misti said, “So while you were away and talking to Pops, we ladies had a chance to talk about a few things, some of which may even concern you.”

  Adam looked at the ladies, but he could detect nothing in their faces.

  “Am
I in trouble? Getting the boot? On KP duty for a year? You guys don’t look all that happy.”

  Misti screwed up her face, looking at Alana and Noki, then said, “So wrong, oh so very wrong, wrong, and more wrong. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. We all think the world of you and want nothing more than for you to be happy with our … arrangement.”

  “Which is?”

  “That’s what we’d like to discuss with you, of course. You’re not the only one who thinks this is complicated. I’m married to you, Alana has a special situation that she wants to explore with you and Noki is carrying your son. Plus, this entire situation is just too weird for Noki and she’s having trouble getting adjusted to the sudden and bizarre nature of our entire British adventure. Correct?”

  Misti looked at the girls.

  “Correct,” they both said in unison.

  Misti continued, “Then Noki, why don’t you tell Adam what you told us and we can see what he says. I don’t think he’ll say anything different from what Alana and I told you, but I think you should hear it from him for yourself. Go.”

  Noki began, “So, Adam, here I am in Barrows Bay, pregnant and single, living with a married man and his wife and their very lovely friend. I will be bunking, so to speak, with him while your wife bunks, so to speak, with the lovely friend. I’ll cut to the chase and just say that in a million years I would never have foreseen or wanted this arrangement for myself. I deeply believe in choice, but abortion isn’t personally right for me. But in any other circumstances, I’d probably have had an abortion by now and returned home to Texas. Can you begin to understand how weird all this is to me?”

  “Of course. And no. My life and my family are odd, as is my relationship with my wife. Let’s not forget Alana. But another part of me understands deeply desiring to be like everyone else. You know, normal. Wanting a normal and regular life; to fit in. That’s been what I’ve wanted my entire life, until I met Misti Now, odd and even the aberrant is my ‘new normal’. I’m at ease with myself, my life and anything that happens in it. So, while I may not feel what you feel, I will certainly try to understand it.”

  Adam paused.

  “But then there was ‘that night’, which is hard to explain unless you were there. Fortunately, we both were.”

  Noki interrupted, “I know. I’m getting to that. Like I said, this situation would otherwise make me extremely uncomfortable and way outside the comfort zone I have set for myself. My comfort zone is nowhere near as robust as yours. Or Misti’s or Alana’s. But then there was ‘that night’ and the many nights that followed and our little adventures in Mindland. I don’t know what to make of all that, but it was so fucking real, excuse my French, and what happened afterward so bang on, so to speak, that the reality of this entire weirdness no longer seems weird at all. Like you, I believe that what happened, happened for the reasons you think. That we both think. So, Misti and I differ not on what happened but only why. Understand?”

  “Yes, that I do understand.” He did. “Completely.”

  “I’m totally committed to seeing this adventure or situation or prophecy through to the end. I mean I think I’d prefer it if you said you made me drop acid and none of this is real, but I don’t think that’s what happened. But that’s not even a tiny portion of what’s bothering me.”

  Adam was surprised. He thought that’s exactly what would be bothering Noki, without a doubt.

  “Then what?”

  “I’m going to live here with you three and I’m going to have a baby. Your baby and I don’t know where I fit in. I’m not part of this … group. I feel like an outsider, a third or fourth wheel; a baby maker gestating a child unconnected to me yet important to the whole world. I don’t understand any of this. I’m not a big baby or selfish but I’m not sure I belong here either. Do you want me to stay? Is this what you want? What you really, really want? I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want to stay where I’m not wanted.”

  “That’s it?”

  “How much more does there need to be? Misti thinks your Mom already hates me.”

  Misti interjected, “That’s not what I said. But, Maria is acting very odd and I’m pretty sure I know why. I have a lot of experience with Maria. It wasn’t always good. Still isn’t. You know that Adam.”

  “Yes, I do. And, in the spirit of Misti honesty, you’re not altogether wrong. I love my Mom but this time she is completely out of line. Everyone who was with us in London is on board. Not sure about Rod and Cindy but I know them, and I know they think like me. But Mom really isn’t the point.”

  Misti said, “Then what is?”

  Chapter 43

  “First, let me say that I am trying very hard to understand everything everyone, including Mom, is trying to grapple with. I think that Noki and Mom actually have more in common in this situation than either of you think. I get that both of you probably would like things to be vastly different and for exactly the same reasons. You both want normal – for everyone. This is anything but normal. But then we have this project, not normal. We have this family, not normal. We have the danger we’re all in, not normal. I have my brother and sister not home with their girls, not normal. Alana and I have this bizarre journey and experience, and for her and for me, not normal.

  “Then, to top it off, Noki and I have this experience, this mystical mind journey that neither of us can explain, but we both know was real, not once but many times. And the things that we saw, did and felt all seemed, and I think were, totally real. Maybe it is what I think it is, or maybe it isn’t. But what I do know for certain is that it happened. It happened like we both think it did. No question or doubt about that.”

  Adam paused to gather his thoughts.

  “Then there are the implications for all this. How do we all fit in, what does any of it mean? So, let me tell you what I think it is, then you can all laugh at me. We were given a deck of cards in perfect order. Everything as it is supposed to be. An order we all accept and understand, no matter how crazy or normal any of us think we are. We’re all in that deck, for better or for ill. Then something happens. God, force of nature, dumb luck, kismet. I don’t know. But the deck got shuffled into a new order. A new ‘new normal’ none of us quite fully understands. That means for Mom and Noki, who’re least comfortable, to Misti and me, who’re more accepting of all kinds of crazy fucked up shit. Forgive my French. That leaves Alana, as perfectly positioned to understand everything we are going through because of her life and her experience with me. Not like Noki, but pretty close.

  “Then there’s Dad, who has accepted all this as though it was perfectly natural and predictable. It isn’t, and it wasn’t but then Dad’s as queer as one can be. But Dad doesn’t think like me and Noki about why. He thinks like Misti. Alana is willing to accept what turns out, not needing to take sides or challenge anyone.

  “Alana doesn’t judge. Which brings us to Pops. Pops doesn’t judge either, never has. Like Dad, Carlos and Misti, he thinks religion is made up mumbo jumbo. No use for it. But he believes in God, just like all of us, except maybe Misti. Whatever I tell Pops, he believes. Always been that way between us. No different now. I can tell you that Pops is our biggest collective supporter. He thinks if we’re happy, it’s no one else’s business. Pops doesn’t need to understand why we want to live the way we do. But he accepts that we do. Punto.”

  “So, to bring this around to us here today, I would say that what Noki is feeling is what we’re all feeling, though it may be a little different for each of us. I hope Mom will come around; she’s having difficulty because she doesn’t want or like our situation. Not for any of us. But she’s judging Alana and Noki without knowing you and that’s not like her. I think she’s afraid.”

  Misti listened to her husband, believing he was verbalizing what they all felt. “What exactly is she afraid of, do you think?”

  “I don’t know. But like Noki, these circumstances and arrangements unsettle her. It wasn’t the way th
ings were supposed to turn out. Misti and I got married; the family was finally settled. Now this. She’s afraid. We must help her understand how wonderful this is. And that she’s a big part of our collective now and our collective future.”

  Alana asked, “Does she blame Noki and me for causing all this strife. We’re up to no good somehow?”

  “Oh hell no. Not even close. She doesn’t blame either of you two. She blames Misti. Even I skate on that account.”

  “She what? She blames me? How did we get there?”

  “Maybe you should ask her? Want to hear something even more bizarre? She and Pops are fighting, and he’s really pissed off at Mom. Furious.”

  “Why?”

  “Because Mom thinks I’m lying to cover for you. Thinks I made all this up.”

  Silence.

  “As to you, Ms. Nocera Lee, you couldn’t be more welcome or more loved than you are here in this little town with this incredible cast of characters. I know you think we don’t really know you, so how can I say something so definitive? But remember, I’ve been in your mind; I’ve seen everything and know everything about you. Even now, I understand on a deep emotional level what you feel and why you feel it. So, do you.”

  “I do. I know. I just wanted to know that you do too. That everything I know, and feel is exactly the same as you.”

  “It’s more than love, and I think you know that. It’s deeper and more intimate. It’s more purposeful than emotional. I can say I love you and it would be true. You might not believe it though, how could you? But it’s so much more than that, so much more complete and connected than just emotion and sex. It’s like there was a union of our souls that we can never describe in words.”

  Noki began to cry, then came to Adam putting her arms around him, letting him hold her and give her the reassurance of his embrace that she so deeply needed to feel.

  “You will always be loved and connected to me and to this family right here. Only you can change that and only if you really want to. Otherwise, while none of our future is pre-ordained, it is one of the many most likely possibilities for our future that can be. We all have free choice and free will; the future isn’t pre-ordained. Choice is a blessing and a curse, so it’s up to you – stay or go?”