Her mask slipped. She looked down again. “Josh, we don’t have to do this. Let’s just enjoy each other’s company while we can. You’ll leave tomorrow, and then you have the freedom to look at your life objectively and make decisions from there. I want the best for you.”
How could she not see she was the best thing for him? Maybe he’d have to prove it.
“Okay,” he said. Because he did want to enjoy his last day with her.
Her eyes peeked up. “Okay?”
He nodded. This might be how it had to happen. This might be how God planned all along. Josh had been vindicated. He got his job back if he wanted it, which meant he’d be able to show Paisley how much she meant to him. Synergy got the big deal. He got to work from Montana. And he’d be able to finalize everything by Christmas. “Okay.”
Paisley led Cassidy around the band stage left in the barn from the ball. She’d let herself be swept away in the moment last night. She knew it was all she was going to get with Josh, so she’d decided to enjoy it, to make some memories, to recreate prom in a way. Only this morning he hadn’t forgotten her like he had in high school. He’d practically quit his job to be with her.
She couldn’t have that. It was impossible. Which was why she wouldn’t let him talk about it anymore. But, oh, it was all she could think about.
Her heart throbbed in her chest as she stood Cass in the grooming station and grabbed a brush. She ran it over the horse’s mane like old times when it was just the two of them. Soon it would be the two of them again.
Tracen and Emily had left after church. And Josh was online, buying a plane ticket with his company credit card. She couldn’t stay inside with him. She couldn’t let herself see if he got a round-trip ticket or not.
What would she do if he did? What would she do if he called to say he was flying back to Montana? She’d have to do something drastic. Like claim she was in love with Sam.
Sam would surely take off if she did that. But then they could all move forward with their own lives, the way it had to be.
She leaned her forehead into Cassidy’s velvety hide. Less than twenty-four hours ago, she’d been in Josh’s arms in this very barn. She’d let him kiss her. She kissed him back. And it had been one of those moments that changed everything. It had revealed what she was missing out on.
Not being able to have kids was hard enough. But not being able to have Josh . . .
Her bones ached.
At least he’d agreed to enjoy the rest of the day with her. She had that. And there would be no more conversations about a future together. So what would they talk about?
Rollers whirred as the barn door slid open. Josh stood in the golden light of a sinking sun. Underneath a leftover sprig of mistletoe. But it didn’t scare her anymore. Her greatest fear had already come true.
“There you are.”
“Here I am.” She spoke to Josh but continued to face Cassidy.
His footsteps carried him her way. He settled his strong hands on her shoulders. Awareness rippled down her spine. “We got a call from the group that booked tonight’s sleigh ride. There’s been a small avalanche, and it’s blocking Gallatin Road. They can’t make it.”
“Is everyone all right?” she asked. If so, then she was okay with the cancellation. She didn’t feel much like listening to jingle bells, let alone pretending to be “laughing all the way.”
“They’re fine.” Josh massaged. “I was thinking maybe you and I could go for one last trail ride before I leave.”
One last ride together. She smiled sadly. “You think you can stay on the horse this time?”
He wrapped his arms around her waist and nibbled on her ear. She shivered.
He whispered. “If you don’t keep your smart mouth under control, I’m going to have to find some way to shut you up.”
She lifted her hands in surrender, sorrow smothering the tickle of a giggle she’d felt inside at his words. “I apologize. I’m sure Butch will let you lead this time.”
“That’s better.” Josh released her to saddle the other horse.
She mourned the loss of his touch, which did not bode well for his departure the next day. Did he know she was stealing glances at him as he prepared to mount? He looked the part of a cowboy now, hat and all. He looked authentic. What had ever made him want to leave the rugged beauty of nature for a noisy, dirty city?
She’d be better off getting out into that nature rather than speculate about Josh’s views of it. Grabbing the horn of Cassidy’s saddle, Paisley stuck one foot in a stirrup and swung the other leg up and over. “Ready?”
She didn’t wait for an answer but rode outside and along the trail toward the bright moon peaking over the tip of a mountain in the dimming night. Butch’s feet plodded after her, telling her Josh wasn’t far behind.
She pushed through her legs and leaned forward to climb the hill. Snow-covered evergreen trees dispersed at a clearing. She rode toward the edge of a cliff to look back down at the lodge and barn and pond. So peaceful. Yet soon to be so lonely. Maybe she shouldn’t have changed the name after all. Lone Peak Ranch would be more appropriate.
Josh sidled next to her. “Bright Star Ranch is the perfect name.”
Paisley startled. Had he read her thoughts? No, he couldn’t have. He was disagreeing without realizing it. He had no clue.
She sat back in her saddle. “You think?”
Josh stared toward heaven where one pinprick of light displayed the first star. “You don’t see stars like that in Chicago.”
Paisley would never make it in Chicago. She could at least be glad he hadn’t suggested she move. “Why’d you leave Idaho?” The words snuck out before she had a chance to censor them.
He glanced her way then gave an embarrassed smile. “You want the whole truth?”
Did she? She wasn’t willing to give him the whole truth. How could she expect honesty from him? She shrugged. “Only if you want to tell it.”
He grunted and ran a gloved hand over Butch’s neck. “It’s because of a girl I kissed at my senior prom in high school.”
Her spine shot rigid. Her collar bone tingled. Her face warmed despite a chilly breeze.
A girl he kissed at senior prom? Was he talking about her? That didn’t make sense. She had nothing to do with Chicago. Had he kissed someone else that same night?
Her hand rose to her lips. All that time as a teen she’d hoped his kiss had meant something, when he’d only been practicing on her for someone else. Did he even remember kissing her? If so, how could he tell her about kissing someone else now? Or was that why he was embarrassed?
It was a good thing she’d never said anything. A good thing she didn’t make a big deal out of it when he came to her family’s ranch the next Monday. That would have been so humiliating. Almost as humiliating as how she felt here.
“I don’t even know who it was.”
Her breath burned in her lungs. What did he mean he didn’t know who he’d kissed? How would that possibly affect his move to Chicago?
“She wore a mask. You know, the kind for masquerades.”
Oh no. She’d forgotten about the mask. She’d been pretty out of it with her blood sugar so high.
Did that mean what she thought it meant? He didn’t even know he’d kissed her?
“Do you remember that? You must have been a sophomore, so you wouldn’t have been there. It was the only year they did a masquerade prom because when a couple of guys spiked the punch, the administration couldn’t figure out who it was.”
The punch had been spiked? Well no wonder her blood sugar had been a mess. But he’d rescued her. And he was oblivious to that fact.
He looked at her, and she realized he’d asked a question. Masquerade prom? Did she remember it? She wanted to laugh hysterically. She wanted to scream her answer loud enough to echo through the valley below. But she’d hold back. She’d wait to hear the whole story in case such a response could lead to more humiliation. She’d force herself to breathe. “Yes
.”
“Well . . .” He shook his head at himself. “Promise you won’t laugh at me.”
Good thing she hadn’t given into hysterics. She squeezed her fingers around the reins to hold as still as possible. “I promise.”
“It was the most amazing kiss of my young life, but when I went to get her a glass of water, the girl disappeared like Cinderella.”
Josh didn’t even know she had diabetes, did he? If she’d ever injected insulin in front of him or if Annabel had blabbed, would he have figured out she was the girl from prom? He was talking about her. Yet, he wasn’t making any sense. Because how had she influenced his decision to move?
“So why did you move?” Her voice barely carried over the white noise of the wind.
“I was looking for her.”
“In Chicago?” Paisley wanted to throw her arms in the air. Because she was right there. In front of him. As she had been the whole time.
Josh rubbed a hand over his face. “First at school. But none of the girls in my class knew what I was talking about.”
They wouldn’t. Evangeline hadn’t even known. How might her life have been different if Paisley had told Evangeline?
“Then I found out prom had been crashed by a group of female hockey players from Boise who were staying at the Sun Valley Lodge the same night. So I attended Boise State to try to find my mystery girl.”
Paisley’s toes curled in her boots. Kissing her had meant that much to him? What would he do if she reached over and cupped his face the way he’d cupped hers? Would he figure it out? Did she want him to?
“It wasn’t any of the Boise State hockey players. I gave up then. But someone mentioned one of the players from the hockey club had transferred to UIC. And when I got offered the job at Synergy Ad Agency, it felt like fate.”
She wasn’t going to laugh at him. She was going to cry. If she believed in fate, she’d believe it tore them apart. It stole their only chance to be together. Because back then she would have given anything for him to love her. Back then she didn’t know how broken her body was.
But she didn’t believe in fate. She believed in God. She believed He was in control and that He’d allowed Josh to leave to protect her. To protect them both from the regrets marriage would have burdened them with.
Josh reached for her hand.
Her pulse pounded in her ears, but she allowed him to hook their gloved fingers together. What next?
“Paisley, I’ve been looking for that girl a long time.”
Oh no. He knew. And now it wouldn’t only be her getting over him. It would be him getting over her.
His eyes met hers in the moonlight. They radiated confidence. Contentment. “But now for the first time, I’ve found something better.”
It was worse. Because if he would go through all that to find a stranger he’d kissed at the age of eighteen, what would he do to pursue the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with?
She couldn’t tell him. He could never know. Knowing would only deepen his resolve.
She might even use the story as an excuse for them not to be together. She could say he needed to keep looking for his first love. She could say God had brought that girl into his life for a reason.
Except she wouldn’t pull God into this. She needed His help. She needed Him to be her all. She needed His strength and comfort to heal after Josh left.
And Josh was going to leave. He might want to make promises about returning, but the only promise he’d made was the one where they didn’t talk about their future. “Josh, you promised.”
He studied her. Openly. Honestly. Transparently enough for her to see him for who he was. For who he’d always been.
He was a romantic. Not a player as she’d thought. He wanted to give his all to one woman. And he wanted it to be her.
All along she’d been worried about having her heart broken. But here she was breaking his. Which hurt even more.
“I’m keeping my promise,” he said. He lifted her gloved fingers to his lips. “I’m not talking about our future. I’m talking about my feelings. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my time with you today if I didn’t tell you how I felt.”
She swallowed down the lump and blinked away the tears. She’d cry tomorrow after he left. For now, she had to pretend she didn’t feel the same.
Chapter Twenty-One
Paisley crunched through the snow toward Big Red in the silver light of morning. The sooner she took Josh back to his Mercedes, the better. But that didn’t make her ready to say goodbye. Hopefully Josh was. “Ready?”
Josh looked down at the luggage in his hands rather than toss it into the bed of the pickup. His gaze rose to meet hers. “No.”
Wrong answer. Delicious like ice cream but still wrong like Sam eating it in the winter. If the timing had been different, then his words would have been the sweetest treat—say a Big Dipper cone dripping onto sizzling pavement in July. But not now. Now his response chilled her to the bone.
“Maybe I don’t have to go.”
But he did.
She marched past him and yanked the driver’s door open with a squeak. She’d retrieve the brush on the end of her ice scraper and wipe off the windows from the small dusting they’d gotten the night before.
“Paisley.”
She turned the red bristles toward the glass. Cold powder sprinkled over her hand. The sting was good. A distraction from Josh’s warm voice and searching eyes.
Why did he have to tell her he’d been looking for the girl he kissed at prom? It had been better when she’d believed he was a player.
Why did he have to kiss her again? It had been better when she’d been able to tell herself his arms weren’t really as perfect and comforting as she remembered.
His body blocked her path around the front of Big Red. “Hey. Are you mad at me?”
She could pretend to be mad. Like those movies where the kid was mean to the dog to get him to run away and find safety. It would be for his own good.
But she wasn’t mad at him. He was wonderful. Too wonderful.
She could go around him. Or she could retreat and get to the other side of the truck around the back. But she didn’t.
Her arm dropped to her side. She studied the soft concern in his expression. This gentleness was even more attractive than his confident smile and teasing remarks. How was that possible? “Of course I’m not mad at you. I just think you’re too emotional to make a clear decision right now.”
How heartless did she sound? Clinical. Judgmental.
His eyes narrowed in confusion. His head tilted. “Emotional?”
He wanted her to spell it out? How could she do that without coming across as condescending? She might have to hurt him to get him to leave after all.
Once he was back in Chicago—back at work in the big city, back to the life he loved—he’d realize how much he would have had to give up for her. All that money. All that power. All that acclaim. All those fancy women in their high heels and salon styles. They were a better match for him.
And maybe Bree hadn’t been a good person, but their relationship had been easy because she fit into Josh’s life so well. Paisley didn’t.
Sure, he thought she’d been his dream girl after prom, but she’d been wearing high heels and had her hair and makeup done by Miss Teen Rodeo Montana. She’d been in disguise.
He never looked twice at the freckled Paisley in cowboy boots.
Until now.
But his feelings for her could still be part of a rebound relationship. Or simply because she was the only woman around. And the truth was, he’d hadn’t kissed her until she’d been dressed up for the fancy ball he’d planned.
Those were the things he’d figure out. But there were also things he didn’t know. She couldn’t explain it all.
“You’re here now, Josh. You’re in the moment. You’re surrounded by a winter wonderland. You’re still hurting from your employer’s suspicions. You’re . . .”
He took a step
closer. His gaze dropped to her lips.
Her breath caught. Was she purposefully rocking toward him, or was she simply light-headed from forgetting to breathe? Either way, he was close enough to kiss if she lifted up onto tiptoes.
She didn’t. She had to finish her sentence before she forgot it. What was it again?
He was emotional because he was with her . . . Oh yeah. “Don’t try to commit to me now. Go home to Chicago. See if you still want to be here then.”
His eyes didn’t harden. She hadn’t hurt him. She hadn’t shoved hard enough.
He lifted a hand to her cheek then slid his fingers into the hair at the nape of her neck, his thumb stroking her cheekbone.
This was not her plan. It was better. She rocked forward again.
Oh, wait. She was supposed to be pushing him away.
“Are you afraid?” he asked.
Her pulse skidded to a stop. How did he know? Had Sam told him?
“Are you afraid of being second place?”
Her pulse thumped back to life in her ears. She exhaled. He didn’t know. He thought she was afraid he only wanted to be with her because the life he’d originally planned for himself hadn’t worked out. He thought she was afraid he might resent her for keeping him from the career success he’d achieved.
That wasn’t why he’d resent her if he stayed. But she’d go with it.
“Maybe,” she said, his caress still threatening to lull her into dreaming with him. But their dreams could never be complete. “You’ve worked so hard. I don’t want the reward of all your hard work to be destroyed by an impulsive whim.”
Josh didn’t really want to muck stalls and shovel snow and chop wood. And even if he did, even if he saw his happily-ever-after on a ranch with Paisley, his fairytale would surely include a Josh Jr.
“A whim?” He shook his head. “You’re not a whim. This isn’t a whim.”
His lips brushed over hers—soft, promising. He pulled away before she could make the mistake of kissing back. Or was it a mistake?
She stuffed her free hand into her jacket pockets to keep from reaching for him. Though she didn’t move away.
Finding Love In Big Sky, Montana (Resort to Love--Finding Love line Book 2) Page 21