Falling In

by Hopkins, Andrea

  “Fuck, Evie. Did I do that?” Cole’s off Jake instantly, with both men scrambling to their feet to be by my side.

  “Shit, Evangeline, are you okay?” Jake cups my cheek, only to get his hand knocked away by Cole.

  “Don’t you dare fucking touch her!”

  “I’m not the one who hit her, asshole!” Jake says, shoving Cole to the side.

  I can see Cole’s face, and he should be so pissed at me, feel betrayed, and near murderous at what I am sure he assumes is going on. But all I see is concern and remorse in his eyes. It rips my fucking cold as ice heart in half. I place my hand to Cole’s already swollen cheek and give him a small smile.

  “Hey, it was an accident. I’m okay. Nothing a cold steak can’t fix. This is all my fault, anyway.”

  “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t paying attention. I would never hit you. You know that. I swear, Evie,” he pleads, clearly on the verge of tears.

  “I know. I know.” I say before he pulls me into his arms.

  “Evangeline?” I hear behind me. I turn to find Jake staring at me with eyes to match his face, wounded and nearly broken. I have no words for him. I don’t know what to say or how to say it, especially in front of Cole. All I can do is shake my head at him.

  I turn back to Cole, and find him wearing the same look as Jake. Staring at us, like he just found out that everything he’s ever known has been a lie. A scam.

  And I’m terrified that what he’s feeling is now true.

  Without a word, he stumbles down the stairs, walking back toward our house. Only, he doesn’t go to our house—he gets back into his truck. It’s like I’m in a movie, watching this happen to someone else. I’m in a total daze. I can’t move, or even think. All I can do is watch my worst nightmare unfold before my eyes. And then I hear his engine rumble and realize that he’s actually leaving. My Cole is leaving. I run down the steps, screaming his name.

  “Cole. Cole, don’t leave! Please, Cole. Cole!” he looks me dead in the eye as he backs out of our driveway before peeling out and leaving me stranded between our two houses. Everything hits me at once, full force and I collapse on the grass, sobbing hysterically. I feel like my whole world has just dissolved in front of my eyes.

  Strong hands pick me up off the ground and pull me into equally strong arms. I inhale Jake’s familiar scent as I continue to cry, burrowing my face into his chest.

  “Shhh, let’s get you inside, okay?”

  I let Jake carry me inside the house. He sits down on the couch, still holding me in his arms, stroking my hair and telling me that everything will be okay, over and over again. I wish I believed him, but I don’t. How can I? I royally screwed up everything, and I have no idea how to fix it. No, that’s not right—I know exactly how to fix it, it just hurts my heart to think about what I would have to do. To be honest, I don’t even think I can. Or want to. I do know that Jake can’t be here for that, though. If Cole comes back and sees him here, I don’t know what he would do. It wouldn’t be anything good, that’s for sure. My tears begin to dry up, turning into post-crying shudders. I look up with my puffy, streaked face and meet concerned but unsure eyes. He wipes away any residual wetness before placing a tender kiss on my forehead.

  “Jake?”

  “Yeah, babe?”

  “I think—”

  I let out a huge sigh before starting again, worried that I’m going to crush him, too. “I think you should probably go. Cole could come back at any moment, and I just don’t want him to see you here. I don’t want to hurt him more than I already have today.”

  I watch him slowly take in a breath. I just know he’s hurting, too, but trying his damnedest to mask it.

  “Yeah, you’re right. I should go.” He pulls my face to his, kissing my mouth lovingly. “Make sure you put some ice on your cheek, okay? I don’t want you to bruise.” He maneuvers me off of him and sets me onto the couch before standing up with slumped shoulders. I grab his hand before he turns to leave.

  “Jake.” I give him an apologetic look, unsure of what I can say to him right now that would make him feel better about us. Like he can read my thoughts and intentions, he answers without looking at me directly.

  “I’m fine. Really. But you’re right—I should really go. Call me if you need me, okay?”

  I nod my answer and watch as he walks away from me and out the door. As it shuts, my body jumps from the sound, the finality of it. I’m left alone, and I’ve never felt more so in my life. Cole has always been there for me, through my lowest lows, highest highs, and everything else in between. I’ve always had his shoulder to cry on and his hand to hold. His tender kisses have made me believe that no matter what happens, it will always work out, as long as we had each other to lean on.

  God, what am I doing? What have I done to us?

  And why can’t I stop?

  I curl up onto the couch, not yet strong enough to move. I’m dreading when the kids come home, and I need this time alone to wallow in my self-pity and hatred. It takes about five seconds for the tears to come back. Only, I’m not even sure what I’m crying about now. Cole leaving, or Cole finding out? The hurt I’ve caused him, or the hurt I will cause one of them when I have to choose?

  I will have to choose. Maybe not today, but soon. Sooner than I thought. Sooner than I’d hoped to. Just thinking of saying goodbye to either the man I’ve always loved or the man that I think I could love rips away a jagged piece of my soul.

  I’m not ready.

  And what’s worse—I don’t know the right answer.

  I cry so hard, I end up putting myself to sleep. I’m not sure how long I’m out for, but I end up waking up to the sound of my phone vibrating beside me yet again. I’m disoriented, and I have the unsettling feeling of déjà vu. My face feels puffy and swollen, and for a few seconds, I forget what happened earlier. But then it all comes flooding back to me, and I feel a pang in my chest that I’m afraid won’t go away anytime soon.

  I slowly sit up, reaching for my phone. My hands are shaking as I pick it up, nervous to see what awaits me. When I turn it on, I see the time, and jump off the couch. The kids should have been home thirty minutes ago. Where the hell are they?

  I swipe the unlock screen and tap open the missed text I have from Cole.

  Cole: I picked up the kids. Don’t make dinner. We’ll be home before bed.

  I breathe out a sigh of relief, sitting back down on the couch and letting my heart settle down to a normal rate. I grab my phone and hover over the keys, knowing I should text him back, but terrified to make contact. I take another deep breath before typing.

  Evie: Ok, I’ll be here waiting. Thank you for letting me know. I love you Cole.

  I wait for a few minutes—or maybe twenty—just staring at the screen, willing him to text me back. I knew I pushed it by telling him I love him, but I needed him to know. No matter what, I do love him. He’s never not said it back to me. Ever. But I don’t blame him. I don’t think I could say it back to me, either.

  I can’t sit here all night waiting around for them, looking and feeling pitiful. So I pick myself up off the couch and wander to the kitchen, in search of something to keep myself busy. I attempt to make something to eat, but my heart and stomach just aren’t in it. So I do what I always do when I’m stressed—I clean. Grabbing my homemade cleanser and paper towels, I get to cracking on the kitchen, starting with the stove.

  It’s not long before I’ve not only cleaned the stove but also the countertops, the floors, and am now in the process of reorganizing the fridge. I’m throwing away an expired salad dressing when I hear the door open and two sets of little footsteps enter the house. What I don’t hear are a third, larger pair.

  “Mom?” the kids yell from the living room.

  I get up off my knees, closing the fridge door before I jog through the hall toward the living room.

  “Hey, kiddos!” I greet, trying to muster as much enthusiasm as I can at the moment. “Come and give me hugs. I missed you booger
s!”

  They run into my arms, and I hold them so tightly that it’s probably overkill, but I just need to feel some unconditional love right now. I’m dreading asking the question I’m about to ask, but it has to be done. I release the kids from my hold, grab their hands and walk to the couch, pulling them into me again. “So, where did Dad go?”

  “He said he had to go to the store,” Cady says.

  “But he’ll be back before we go to bed,” Dyl finishes.

  “Oh, okay. Well, what did you guys do while you were out?”

  “Daddy took us out for dinner, and then we all got ice cream before we came home.”

  “It was awesome, Mom. Dad let us pick whatever we wanted! How come you didn’t come?”

  “Oh, Mommy wasn’t feeling so well, so I stayed home.”

  “Can we watch TV before bed? We already did our homework at the restaurant.”

  “Sure, hon.”

  And that’s what we do. We all cuddle on the couch and watch Cartoon Network. After an hour of Teen Titans, Go and me glancing at the door every five minutes, it was time for the kids to get ready for bed. Ignoring the pleas for “just five more minutes, Mom,” we finally walk upstairs. I make sure they brush their teeth and use the potty before changing into their pajamas.

  Just as I’m saying goodnight to Cady, I hear the front door open and shut. My heart begins to pound, beating harder with each step I hear drawing closer, until I feel his presence in the doorway. I turn to him, our eyes locking briefly. And in that moment, I know he’s miles away from me, and that pounding from before just stops.

  I step away and let him say goodnight to Cady as I do the same with Dyl. Once he’s tucked in and ready for Cole, I cautiously walk down the stairs and over to the couch to wait for my version of judgment day.

  I close my eyes and listen to his boots hit each step, taking slow, measured breaths as I feel him coming closer to me, closer to saying everything I have feared hearing.

  “Evie.”

  I shake my head, not ready to face this.

  “Evie, look at me.” He says more forcefully. I open my eyes on command and meet his hurt ones.

  “Cole—”

  “Don’t. Don’t insult me with your sympathy. Just tell me the fucking truth. Tell me everything. I need to know.”

  I look down and shake my head back and forth again, terrified to say what he wants to hear, knowing it will change everything between us. It will break him.

  “Evie.”

  “We didn’t sleep together. I mean, we napped together, but we didn’t have sex, I swear.”

  “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

  “No. I just needed you to know that.”

  “Did you kiss him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Just once?”

  I shake my head, not willing to tell him just how many times Jake and I have kissed.

  “What is it?”

  I look up to him with confusion written all over my face. “What is what?”

  “What is this thing with him? Is it an affair? A crush? Or—are you in love with him?” his voice breaks at the end of the question.

  “I don’t know.” My answer comes out as barely a whisper.

  “I can’t fucking believe this. What the hell happened?”

  He starts to pace back and forth, running his hand through his short blond hair that I’m just now realizing is shorter than it was earlier. Did he cut his hair today? I shake the random thought from my mind and focus on Cole.

  “I don’t know,” I repeat.

  “Fuck, Evie. Is that all you have to say? I’m all in here. I’ve always been all in. And Jesus, I thought you were, too.”

  “I was. I mean, I am. I just—I don’t know, Cole.”

  “You don’t know what? You don’t know if you want this—us? God damn it, I’m such a fucking pussy.”

  “What? Cole, no.”

  “I fucking knew it, Evie. I knew. You think I didn’t see the way you looked at him? I may be a pussy, but I’m not a fucking idiot. I have eyes. I saw the hidden smiles and the fucking ‘accidental’ touches. I knew. I fucking knew, and I didn’t say a word, because I was too God damn scared. And hopeful. Hoping it was all in my head. But it wasn’t, was it?” He stops pacing and sits down on the chair in front of me, putting his head into his hands. “Did you let him touch you?” He looks up at me with desperation in his eyes. My heart breaks all over again.

  “Not in the way you’re thinking.”

  “Is this my fault?”

  “What? No.”

  “How could it not be? I never gave you a choice, Evie. I’ve been in your life for as long as you can remember. I’m all you know. But maybe—maybe I’m not all you want.”

  “Don’t say that or even think it, Cole. This isn’t your fault. You’re amazing. You’ve been amazing. Always.”

  “Then what the hell happened, Evie? Why do I feel like I’m going to lose you?” he asks, completely and utterly defeated.

  I don’t know how I’ve held it in tonight. Maybe because I cried for hours already. But that one question, plus the desolate look on his face sends me over the edge. Tears begin to stream down my face as I make my way to him. Sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of him, I pull him into me.

  “I’m so sorry, Cole. I swear, I didn’t mean for this to happen. It just—did.”

  “I can’t, Evie.” He pulls away from me and gets up off the chair, walking around the table. “I can’t do this.”

  “What are you saying?” I ask, my eyes searching his face for clues. Something to tell me what’s going on in his head.

  “You obviously have shit you have to figure out. But I can’t be here while you do it. Not with him next door. I can’t. I won’t.”

  “So, what, that’s it? You’re just leaving me?” I stand up, ready to do something. What that is, I’m not sure, but I know I can’t just let him leave me. Not yet. Not without knowing what the hell I want.

  “For a while, yeah. I called my parents while I was out. You know tomorrow is the last day of school, so I’ll just pick the kids up again and we’ll stay with them.” I sit right back down, that burst of strength suddenly sucked right out of me.

  Cole is leaving me.

  He’s taking the kids with him.

  “For how long?” I ask, not hiding the quivering in my voice.

  “I don’t know, Evie. For as long as it takes.”

  All I can do is nod. That’s all I have the right to do. I did this. I caused this.

  “Look, I’m gonna go take a shower and bring some things downstairs. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Fine.” I turn my head away from him, not wanting him to see the fresh set of tears that are falling down. Once I hear him walk upstairs and head to our room, I let the sob that I was holding back out of its cage as I wrap my arms around myself, needing the support—even if it’s my own.

  I only allow myself to cry for a few minutes before I go to the linen closet and grab a sheet, pillow, and a blanket for Cole. I make him a decent bed on the couch. It’s the least I can do, right? I sit down on it and close my eyes, waiting to hear those familiar steps walk down the stairs. About twenty minutes later, I finally do. I open my eyes and watch him carry down his clothes for tomorrow and an overnight bag, presumably packed for however long this will take.

  “You didn’t have to make my bed.”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Thank you.”

  Again, I can only nod, worried that I will break down again if I say another word. I walk over to where he’s standing, and I know I shouldn’t say anything more, but I need him to know.

  “I do love you, Cole.”

  “I know.” He says after a loud sigh. “Goodnight, Evie.”

  “Goodnight.”

  Once I reach our room, I throw my phone onto the bed, run to the bathroom, and throw up. But h
aving not eaten much today, it’s really just liquid. After the dry heaving subsides, I lie down on the bathroom floor, the cold tile cooling me down and easing my upset stomach. I’m not sure how long I stay there, but at some point I get up and brush my teeth before crawling into bed. The bed feels chilly and completely void without Cole. I’m exhausted, but I know there is no chance in hell I’ll be able to sleep. I stretch my arms out, patting the bed in search of my phone. I find it after maneuvering my body in an awkward, bendy position. I have a couple of missed text messages.

  Jake: Hey, are you ok?

  Jake: Evangeline?

  Jake: Text or call me when you can ok? I saw Cole’s truck in the driveway. I just wanna know if you’re ok.

  The last one was sent only thirty minutes ago. My fingers hover over the keys, indecision plaguing me. But in the end, I’m weak and needy, and I’ll be the first to admit it. The phone only rings twice before he picks up.

  “Hey, I’ve been worried about you all night. Are you okay?” I smile at his sincerity.

  “Not really.”

  “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little happy this is out in the open. But even so, I fucking hate to know that you’re hurting. The despair in your voice is killing me right now. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

  I sigh and close my eyes, willing them to not shed any more tears. “He’s leaving. He’s taking the kids to his parents’ house, and they’re all going to stay there for however long it takes.”

  “How long it takes for what?”

  “For me to figure out what I want.”

  “Oh.” He sighs loudly into the phone. “What do you want?”

  “I don’t know, Jake.”

  “I want to see you.” He says, and I’ve never heard such truer words. It makes me smile again.

  “I want to see you, too.”

  “I’m gonna come over tomorrow, okay?”

  “Okay.”