by Jane Austen
(a short Pause.)
Miss F. Sir Arthur shant I send you a bit of pudding?
Lady H. Sir Arthur never eats suet pudding Ma’am. It is too high a Dish for him.
Miss F. Will no one allow me the honour of helping them?
Then John take away the Pudding, & bring the Wine.
(Servants take away the things and bring in the Bottles & Glasses.)
Lord F. I wish we had any Desert* to offer you. But my Grandmother in her Life time, destroyed the Hot house* in order to build a receptacle for the Turkies with it’s materials; & we have never been able to raise another tolerable one.
Lady H. I beg you will make no apologies my Lord.
Willoughby. Come Girls, let us circulate the Bottle.*
Sophy. A very good motion Cousin; & I will second it with all my Heart. Stanly you dont drink.
Stanly. Madam, I am drinking draughts of Love from Cloe’s eyes.
Sophy. That’s poor nourishment truly. Come, drink to her better acquaintance.
(Miss Fitzgerald goes to a Closet & brings out a bottle)
Miss F. This, Ladies & Gentlemen is some of my dear Grandmother’s own manufacture. She excelled in Gooseberry Wine.* Pray taste it Lady Hampton?
Lady H. How refreshing it is!
Miss F. I should think with your Ladyship’s permission, that Sir Arthur might taste a little of it.
Lady H. Not for worlds. Sir Arthur never drinks any thing so high.
Lord F. And now my amiable Sophia condescend to marry me.
(He takes her hand & leads her to the front)
Stanly. Oh! Cloe could I but hope you would make me blessed—
Cloe. I will.
(They advance.)
Miss F. Since you Willoughby are the only one left, I cannot refuse your earnest solicitations—There is my Hand.—
Lady H. And may you all be Happy!
Finis
The Mystery
an unfinished Comedy
Dedication
To the Revd George Austen*
Sir
I humbly solicit your Patronage to the following Comedy, which tho’ an unfinished one, is I flatter myself as complete a Mystery as any of its kind.
I am Sir your most Hum.le
Servant
The Author
The Mystery
a Comedy—
Dramatis Personae
Men Women
Colonel Elliott Fanny Elliott
Sir Edward Spangle* Mrs Humbug
Old Humbug* and
Young Humbug Daphne*—
and
Corydon*
Act the First
Scene the 1stA Garden.
Enter Corydon.
Cory.) But Hush! I am interrupted.
(Exit Corydon)
Enter Old Humbug & his Son, talking.
Old Hum:) It is for that reason I wish you to follow my advice. Are you convinced of its propriety?
Young Hum:) I am Sir, and will certainly act in the manner you have pointed out to me.
Old Hum:) Then let us return to the House.
(Exeunt)
Scene the 2d
A Parlour in Humbug’s house
Mrs Humbug & Fanny, discovered at work.*
Mrs Hum:) You understand me my Love?
Fanny) Perfectly ma’am. Pray continue your narration.
Mrs Hum:) Alas! it is nearly concluded, for I have nothing more to say on the Subject.
Fanny. Ah! here’s Daphne.
Enter Daphne.
Daphne) My dear Mrs Humbug how d’ye do? Oh! Fanny t’is all over.
Fanny) Is it indeed!
Mrs Hum:) I’m very sorry to hear it.
Fanny) Then t’was to no purpose that I. …
Daphne) None upon Earth.
Mrs Hum:) And what is to become of?. …
Daphne) Oh! thats all settled.
(whispers* Mrs Humbug)
Fanny) And how is it determined?
Daphne) I’ll tell you.
(whispers Fanny)
Mrs Hum:) And is he to?. …
Daphne) I’ll tell you all I know of the matter.
(whispers Mrs Humbug & Fanny)
Fanny) Well! now I know every thing about it, I’ll go away.
(Exeunt)
Scene the 3d
The Curtain rises and discovers Sir Edward Spangle reclined in an elegant Attitude* on a Sofa, fast asleep.
Enter Colonel Elliott.
Colonel) My Daughter is not here I see … there lies Sir Edward … Shall I tell him the secret? … No, he’ll certainly blab it … But he is asleep and wont hear me … So I’ll e’en venture.
(Goes up to Sir Edward, whispers him, & Exit)
End of the 1st Act.
Finis
To Edward Austen Esqre*
The following unfinished Novel
is respectfully inscribed
by
His obedient Hum.ble Serv.t
The Author
The Three Sisters
a novel.
Letter 1st
Miss Stanhope to Mrs——
My dear Fanny
I am the happiest creature in the World, for I have just received an offer of marriage from Mr Watts. It is the first I have ever had & I hardly know how to value it enough. How I will triumph over the Duttons! I do not intend to accept it, at least I beleive not, but as I am not quite certain I gave him an equivocal answer & left him. And now my dear Fanny I want your Advice whether I should accept his offer or not, but that you may be able to judge of his merits & the situation of affairs I will give you an account of them. He is quite an old Man, about two & thirty,* very plain so plain that I cannot bear to look at him. He is extremely disagreable & I hate him more than any body else in the world. He has a large fortune & will make great Settlements on me; but then he is very healthy.* In short I do not know what to do. If I refuse him he as good as told me that he should offer himself to Sophia & if she refused him to Georgiana, & I could not bear to have either of them married before me. If I accept him I know I shall be miserable all the rest of my Life, for he is very ill tempered & peevish extremely jealous, & so stingy* that there is no living in the house with him. He told me he should mention the affair to Mama, but I insisted upon it that he did not for very likely she would make me marry him whether I would or no; however probably he has before now, for he never does anything he is desired to do. I believe I shall have him. It will be such a triumph to be married before Sophy, Georgiana & the Duttons; And he promised to have a new Carriage on the occasion, but we almost quarrelled about the colour, for I insisted upon its being blue spotted with silver, & he declared it should be a plain Chocolate;* & to provoke me more said it should be just as low as his old one.* I wont have him I declare. He said he should come again tomorrow & take my final answer, so I beleive I must get him while I can. I know the Duttons will envy me & I shall be able to chaprone* Sophy & Georgiana to all the Winter Balls.* But then what will be the use of that when very likely he wont let me go myself, for I know he hates dancing & what he hates himself he has no idea of any other person’s liking; & besides he talks a great deal of Women’s always staying at home & such stuff. I beleive I shant have him; I would refuse him at once if I were certain that neither of my Sisters would accept him, & that if they did not, he would not offer to the Duttons. I cannot run such a risk, so, if he will promise to have the Carriage ordered as I like, I will have him, if not he may ride in it by himself for me. I hope you like my determination; I can think of nothing better;
And am your ever affec.te
Mary Stanhope*
From the Same to the Same
Dear Fanny
I had but just sealed my last letter to you when my Mother came up & told me she wanted to speak to me on a very particular subject.
‘Ah! I know what you mean; (said I) That old fool Mr Watts has told you all about it, tho’ I bid him not. However you shant force me
to have him if I dont like it.’
‘I am not going to force you Child, but only want to know what your resolution is with regard to his Proposals, & to insist upon your making up your mind one way or t’other, that if you dont accept him Sophy may.’
‘Indeed (replied I hastily) Sophy need not trouble herself for I shall certainly marry him myself.’
‘If that is your resolution (said my Mother) why should you be afraid of my forcing your inclinations?’
‘Why, because I have not settled whether I shall have him or not.’
‘You are the strangest Girl in the World Mary. What you say one moment, you unsay the next. Do tell me once for all, whether you intend to marry Mr Watts or not?’
‘Law* Mama how can I tell you what I dont know myself?’
‘Then I desire you will know, & quickly too, for Mr Watts says he wont be kept in suspense.’
‘That depends upon me.’
‘No it does not, for if you do not give him your final answer tomorrow when he drinks Tea* with us, he intends to pay his Addresses to Sophy.’
‘Then I shall tell all the World that he behaved very ill to me.’
‘What good will that do? Mr Watts has been too long abused by all the World to mind it now.’
‘I wish I had a Father or a Brother because then they should fight him.’*
‘They would be cunning if they did, for Mr Watts would run away first; & therefore you must & shall resolve either to accept or refuse him before tomorrow evening.’
‘But why if I don’t have him, must he offer to my Sisters?’
‘Why! Because he wishes to be allied to the Family & because they are as pretty as you are.’
‘But will Sophy marry him Mama if he offers to her?’
‘Most likely. Why should not she? If however she does not choose it, then Georgiana must, for I am determined not to let such an opportunity escape of settling one of my Daughters so advantageously. So, make the most of your time; I leave you to settle the Matter with yourself.’ And then she went away. The only thing I can think of my dear Fanny is to ask Sophy & Georgiana whether they would have him were he to make proposals to them, & if they say they would not I am resolved to refuse him too, for I hate him more than you can imagine. As for the Duttons if he marries one of them I shall still have the triumph of having refused him first. So, adeiu my dear Freind—
Yrs ever M. S.
Miss Georgiana Stanhope to Miss XXX*
My dear Anne
Wednesday
Sophy & I have just been practising a little deceit on our eldest Sister, to which we are not perfectly reconciled, & yet the circumstances were such that if any thing will excuse it, they must. Our neighbour Mr Watts has made proposals to Mary; Proposals which she knew not how to receive, for tho’ she has a particular Dislike to him (in which she is not singular) yet she would willingly marry him sooner than risk his offering to Sophy or me which in case of a refusal from herself, he told her he should do, for you must know that the poor Girl considers our marrying before her as one of the greatest misfortunes that can possibly befall her, & to prevent it would willingly ensure herself everlasting Misery by a Marriage with Mr Watts. An hour ago she came to us to sound our inclinations respecting the affair which were to determine hers. A little before she came my Mother had given us an account of it, telling us that she certainly would not let him go farther than our own family for a Wife. ‘And therefore (said she) If Mary wont have him Sophy must, & if Sophy wont Georgiana shall.’ Poor Georgiana!—We neither of us attempted to alter my Mother’s resolution, which I am sorry to say is generally more strictly kept than rationally formed. As soon as she was gone however I broke silence to assure Sophy that if Mary should refuse Mr Watts I should not expect her to sacrifice her happiness by becoming his Wife from a motive of Generosity to me, which I was afraid her Good nature and Sisterly affection might induce her to do.
‘Let us flatter ourselves (replied She) that Mary will not refuse him. Yet how can I hope that my Sister may accept a Man who cannot make her happy.’
‘He cannot it is true—but his Fortune his Name, his House, his Carriage will and I have no doubt but that Mary will marry him; indeed why should she not? He is not more than two & thirty; a very proper age for a Man to marry at; He is rather plain to be sure, but then what is Beauty in a Man; if he has but a genteel figure & a sensible looking Face it is quite sufficient.’
‘This is all very true Georgiana but Mr Watts’s figure is unfortunately extremely vulgar & his Countenance is very heavy.’
‘And then as to his temper; it has been reckoned bad, but may not the World be deceived in their Judgement of it. There is an open Frankness in his Disposition which becomes a Man; They say he is stingy; We’ll call that Prudence. They say he is suspicious. That proceeds from a warmth of Heart always excusable in Youth, & inshort I see no reason why he should not make a very good Husband, or why Mary should not be very happy with him.’
Sophy laughed; I continued,
‘However whether Mary accepts him or not I am resolved. My determination is made. I never would marry Mr Watts were Beggary the only alternative. So deficient in every respect! Hideous in his person and without one good Quality to make amends for it. His fortune to be sure is good. Yet not so very large! Three thousand a year.* What is three thousand a year? It is but six times as much as my Mother’s income. It will not tempt me.’
‘Yet it will be a noble fortune for Mary’ said Sophy laughing again.
‘For Mary! Yes indeed it will give me pleasure to see her in such affluence.’
Thus I ran on to the great Entertainment of my Sister, till Mary came into the room to appearance in great agitation. She sate down. We made room for her at the fire. She seemed at a loss how to begin & at last said in some confusion
‘Pray Sophy have you any mind to be married?’
‘To be married! None in the least. But why do you ask me? Are you acquainted with any one who means to make me proposals?’
‘I—no, how should I? But mayn’t I ask a common question?’
‘Not a very common one Mary surely.’ (said I). She paused & after some moments silence went on—
‘How should you like to marry Mr Watts Sophy?’
I winked at Sophy & replied for her. ‘Who is there but must rejoice to marry a man of three thousand a year?’
‘Very true (she replied) That’s very true. So you would have him if he would offer, Georgiana. & would you Sophy?’
Sophy did not like the idea of telling a lie & deceiving her Sister; she prevented the first & saved half her conscience by equivocation.
‘I should certainly act just as Georgiana would do.’
‘Well then said Mary with triumph in her Eyes, I have had an offer from Mr Watts.’ We were of course very much surprised; ‘Oh! do not accept him said I, and then perhaps he may have me.’
In short my scheme took & Mary is resolved to do that to prevent our supposed happiness which she would not have done to ensure it in reality. Yet after all my Heart cannot acquit me & Sophy is even more scrupulous. Quiet our Minds my dear Anne by writing & telling us you approve our conduct. Consider it well over. Mary will have real pleasure in being a married Woman, & able to chaprone us, which she certainly shall do, for I think myself bound to Contribute as much as possible to her happiness in a State I have made her choose. They will probably have a new Carriage, which will be paradise to her, & if we can prevail on Mr W. to set up his Phaeton she will be too happy. These things however would be no consolation to Sophy or me for domestic Misery. Remember all this & do not condemn us.
Friday.
Last night Mr Watts by appointment drank tea with us. As soon as his Carriage stopped at the Door, Mary went to the Window.
‘Would you beleive it Sophy (said she) the old Fool wants to have his new Chaise just the colour of the old one, & hung as low too. But it shant—I will carry my point. And if he wont let it be as high as the Duttons, & blue spotted with S
ilver, I wont have him. Yes I will too. Here he comes. I know he’ll be rude; I know he’ll be illtempered & wont say one civil thing to me! nor behave at all like a Lover.’ She then sate down & Mr Watts entered.
‘Ladies your most obedient.’* We paid our Compliments & he seated himself.
‘Fine Weather Ladies.’ Then turning to Mary, ‘Well Miss Stanhope I hope you have at last settled the Matter in your own mind; & will be so good as to let me know whether you will condescend to marry me or not.’
‘I think Sir (said Mary) You might have asked in a genteeler way than that. I do not know whether I shall have you if you behave so odd.’
‘Mary!’ (said my Mother) ‘Well Mama if he will be so cross. … .’
‘Hush, hush, Mary, you shall not be rude to Mr Watts.’
‘Pray Madam do not lay any restraint on Miss Stanhope by obliging her to be civil. If she does not choose to accept my hand, I can offer it else where, for as I am by no means guided by a particular preference to you above your Sisters it is equally the same to me which I marry of the three.’ Was there ever such a Wretch! Sophy reddened with Anger, & I felt so spiteful!
‘Well then (said Mary in a peevish Accent) I will have you if I must.’
‘I should have thought Miss Stanhope that when such Settlements are offered as I have offered to you there can be no great violence done to the inclinations in accepting of them.’
Mary mumbled out something, which I who sate close to her could just distinguish to be ‘What’s the use of a great Jointure if Men live forever?’ And then audibly ‘Remember the pin money;* two hundred a year.’