by Blair Holden
I’d hate to tell her that maybe it’s too late for repentance. The things she’s done over the past few years, or well ever since we hit puberty aren’t really going to be washed away so easily. I’ve seen her do a lot of ugly things, most of them to me. Even if we forget about what she’s done to me, there’s still a list as long as the Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest building, of all the destruction she’s caused. Karma might not be the nicest person to her.
“Is this you apologizing?” I cut to the chase. It’s kind of bittersweet, I want to be here but not be here at the same time. There’s this sense of finality in the air, like all the four years behind us are leading up to this moment. I’ve never been good with endings. I read the last Harry Potter book a page a day just to extend the time I had left with the characters. So yes, it took me a while to get through it but I relished every second. I’m tempted to run away right now.
“Kind of.” She begins tapping her foot restlessly against the ground; her icy demeanor is starting to thaw. I can practically feel the anxiety rolling off her. Whatever she’s got to say is going to be really tough to hear as well.
“I want to confess, Tessa, not apologize. Yeah okay maybe I owe you an apology too, maybe a shitload of them, but telling you the truth is more important.”
My brows furrow; clearly I have no idea what’s to come.
She takes a deep breath. “I like Cole. I really, really like him. Maybe you’ve always known that but you don’t know that I’m in love with him too. When I was nine, my dad beat the crap out of me and I was hiding in the boys’ bathroom at school the next day crying my eyes out. I didn’t want you to see me like that. You always had the perfect family and I began to hate you for that. Cole found me that day and he . . . he was so nice to me. He took care of me, told me his dad was a cop and he’d make the bad people go away. Of course I didn’t tell him about my dad but it was enough, to feel safe. To know that this beautiful, kind boy would always take good care of me.”
I suck in a breath and my jaw drops. In no possible way had I expected that; you could’ve told me that my parents adopted me from a remote village in Zimbabwe and I would have believed you but this . . . Oh God. I always knew she liked him but always based it on Cole’s bad-boy charm or just plain physical attraction. I knew she’d tried to get with Cole in the past and he’d refused but I didn’t know how deep her crush went. And the thing about her dad hurting her . . . how come I knew nothing about that? How come I didn’t know that she hated me for a family that’s currently in shambles?
She must sense my shock but apparently she isn’t going to attempt to lessen the blow. “I think that was the point when I started hating you. Before, yeah I was jealous of you but then I saw how Cole would always be around you. How he’d always find a way to talk to you, to tease you and how he’d pay so much attention to you that he never even looked at me. I just . . . I couldn’t. But even nine-year-old me knew that I had to stick with you if I wanted something with him.”
Words fail me, ironic considering I am here on a journalism assignment. In my mind, the reason Nicole stopped being friends with me was because I wasn’t good enough for her. I’d been overweight, awkward, and generally unpopular. It’d made sense that she wouldn’t want to be my friend. But the fact that she’s never truly been the best friend I always thought her to be stings big-time.
“I could say I’m sorry but it wouldn’t be enough, would it? I should’ve told you the truth, shouldn’t have faked a friendship for that long but I was selfish. I wanted Cole and when I couldn’t have him . . .”
“You took Jay. You didn’t even like him, did you? You just took him because you knew that would hurt me,” I say more to myself than to her.
Even though my feelings for Jay have been more or less vaporized I can still remember the hurt I felt then. When I thought I’d been in love with him, my heart had literally been ripped to pieces to see him with Nicole. Nicole, my best friend, had taken the guy I was in love with. Yup, that had been enough to make me sob for weeks. And she’d done it just to spite me.
“He was the only way I could make you feel how I did. Maybe I crossed a line. Later, I realized that you never did anything intentionally, that you didn’t ask for Cole to love you the way he did.”
I open my mouth to argue but she stops me. “Please don’t. I think you were the only person who didn’t realize that the boy was madly in love with you. Everyone saw it but you were too busy obsessing over Jay to notice it. That made me angrier, how oblivious you could be.”
“Why? Why are you telling me all this now? What do you expect me to do?”
“Nothing. After everything I’ve done I expect nothing from you, not even forgiveness. The things I’ve done the last few years don’t really deserve that. But I want you to know that I admit I was wrong. I’m glad you have the kind of friends now that you deserve and . . . I’m glad you have someone like Cole. He loves you and now you love him too. Just hold on to him, okay?”
Words jumble up inside my head when I try to string together a sentence. It’s like there’s this whirlpool forming around me brain, leaving me incapable of thinking. Yes, what she’s just told me definitely erases the confusion I’ve felt for a long time, but this is worse. Nicole was never my friend, she hated me when I thought of her as the best friend I’d ever had. She’d been the person I considered my support system, and all the while she was possibly sticking pins into voodoo dolls of me.
“I feel like I should say something,” I choke out, “It’s probably a good idea if I get it all out today. I feel sorry for you, Nicole, that you fell for someone who doesn’t love you back. Trust me I know how that feels. I’m sorry that you thought you had to go through such lengths to get him to love you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned this year it’s that if you’re meant to be with someone, it will happen. You can’t force love. So even if it means that your first love becomes unrequited, then you should move on because maybe there’s someone better for you.”
I can see her eyes getting watery; it’s the most emotion I’ve seen from her in years. “I’d also like to thank you. Maybe if you hadn’t cut me out of your life and gotten rid of that fake friendship, then I never would’ve met Megan and Beth. I haven’t really let myself admit it but being friends with them definitely felt different than being friends with you. What I have with them is what real friendship is supposed to be like. And we’re all moving on with our lives; I don’t want to carry this kind of baggage with me when I leave, so you know what? Even though I should probably hate you for what you’ve put me through I’ll just say that I hope you have a better life from now on. Find a guy who loves you for who you are and friends you genuinely like. Speaking from personal experience, those things kind of change your life.”
Leaving her still sitting on the bleachers, I rush to where I know Cole’s car is. When he sees me running toward him he gets out of the Volvo and begins walking toward me, concern etched onto his handsome face. I all but throw myself into his arms, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face into his chest. His scent immediately calms me down. Warm, familiar, safe, and enthralling all at the same time. It’s easier to understand now why someone would fall in love with him at the drop of a hat.
Maybe my mom dropped me on my head a lot when I was a baby. That would totally explain why I didn’t see how he felt all that time ago.
“You okay?” His arms tighten around me and I nod into his chest. I just need him to hold me. I need to know that he’s still with me and that I’m the lucky girl he’s chosen to fall in love with. Knowing that girls that look like Nicole would do anything to be in my place has just made me all the more aware of the fact that he is a one-in-a-million kind of guy.
He’s my guy.
“Are you sure?”
Reluctantly after some neck sniffing, I pull away and grin at him. “I’m wonderful. So what’s this surprise you keep telling me about?”
He looks puzzled for a second, trying to figure the situation out but
then his face breaks into a breathtaking smile.
“Get in the car.” He nods his head toward it and I eye it skeptically. He’s being really mysterious but I like it. Today is a good day for the unknown because obviously nothing is how it seems, as exhibited by my conversation with Nicole. I’ll talk to Cole about it soon, but not now. Now I just want to be with him.
“Oh-kay. Are we going my house first? Because I need to check up on . . .”
“Beth is with Travis and he’s going to take good care of her. I just got off the phone with him and he told me that she’s ready to talk to a therapist.”
“What?” I gasp, feeling thrilled. “How did that happen?”
“Well, he told her that he’d go if she did and . . .”
“She’s doing this for him. She’s going to therapy because of Travis,” I say in awe, feeling a surge of happiness. The fact that she’s put aside her fear of talking to someone about her relationship with her mother for Travis, makes me realize that she loves him.
“Then are we going to your house? Because Cassandra asked me the other day to—”
He stops me again. “Just get in the car, Tessie. I’ll explain the rest.”
He opens my door for me and as I’m putting on my seatbelt I notice the bags in the backseat. My carry-on bag is immediately recognizable and I become even more intrigued. I see one of Cole’s bags as well and the excitement builds.
He sees I’ve figured something out when he gets in.
“We’re going somewhere?” I ask in excitement and he chuckles, but there’s a light in his eyes that I know is only there when he’s really, really happy.
For a second he looks nervous, possibly uncomfortable when he scratches the back of his neck. “I thought maybe we could go out alone for the weekend. I asked your dad and everything, I talked to Travis too . . . but maybe I should’ve asked you first, right? If you don’t want to, I get it but I just . . . I wanted to spend some time alone with you and . . . shit, I should’ve thought this through.”
Since he looks so darn adorable when he’s rambling I let him go on for a while. I know I need to put him out of his misery but this is so much fun. Most of the time in our relationship, I’m the one who’s blushing and just being an overall awkward moron so this is fun for me.
“Cole, stop!” He looks at me, his face still tinged with a bit of red and eyes looking a little panicked. I shift in my seat until I’m facing him and lean over to kiss him softly. He closes his eyes and groans as his hand immediately goes to the back of my neck to hold me in place. We kiss slowly and deeply until I feel all the tension leave his body.
When we break apart, he grins goofily at me. “You should shut me up like that more often.”
“I thought you were going to have a panic attack and I’d have to administer CPR.”
“Well I wouldn’t have been opposed to that. I love a girl who’s hands-on,” he says cheekily and I smack his shoulder.
“Get your mind out of the gutter and tell me where we’re going. And yes I want to go, I’d love to go, and you are an idiot for ever thinking that I wouldn’t want to.”
That earns me another searing hot kiss that has my toes curling.
“Okay then, if that’s the case then sit back and relax. It’s a bit of a drive.”
“You’re not telling me where we’re going?” I pout, crossing my arms over my chest which just makes his grin wider.
“God, I love you.”
That melts my insides and even when I’m pretending to be annoyed at him I can’t help but say, “I love you too.”
***
From what I can tell we’ve been driving for a while. It’s given me enough time to start hyperventilating. We’ve been traveling in comfortable silence exchanging kisses here and there but then the silence just gave my darn overactive mind something to freak out over.
I’m going to be alone. Alone with Cole. For two whole days. No adult supervision, not even Travis.
The kind of images that spring to mind would make a nun pass out.
Yes, I’ve slept in the same bed with him a couple of times but that’s always been with the knowledge that any family member of mine could walk in on us at any given second. This feels different and I know it’s because of how highly charged the emotions between us are now. Exchanging the L-word changes everything. We’ve gotten more possessive, more into touching each other and just overall craving each other’s company more. Sometime we get a little too carried away and have to stop.
My heart starts beating faster; my face begins to burn as images of being intimate like “that” cross my mind. Is it getting hot in here or what?
“What are you thinking about, Tessie?”
I don’t want to answer that question. If I did it would be something like, “I’m thinking about jumping your bones.”
“Nothing,” my voice comes out impossibly squeaky and I feel like slapping myself across the face multiple times.
“This is the second time today you’ve tried to lie to me, you know. Whatever you’re thinking about it’s clearly embarrassing you. Look at how red you are.”
“Well, you do call me ‘shortcake’ for a reason. And yes I hope it’s not because you’re saying I’m short. That would suck.”
He chuckles, a hearty sound that’s doing NOTHING to stop those darned thoughts from invading my mind.
“I call you ‘shortcake’ because that’s all you ate through second grade. I’d see you with your Little Mermaid lunchbox and you wouldn’t touch the sandwich. I think you gave it to that scrawny kid who barely ate and then you’d just sit there nibbling on the strawberry shortcake.”
Huh. It’s a day for revelations.
“How come I never noticed that you paid so much attention to me?”
A sad look crosses his face and once again I feel like doing myself physical harm for hurting him. Whatever he’s thinking about right now must not be pleasant.
“Wait, don’t answer that. That was just . . . stupid. I’m an idiot and I shouldn’t have been that oblivious.”
“No, Tessie, don’t put yourself down,” he scolds. “I had the worst way possible to show you that I liked you. Let’s just forget about all that crap for now. I want to spend time with you, alone, and just think about all the good stuff. Let’s do that—deal?”
“Deal.”
We’re near the ocean, I can tell from the smell and it feels divine. I realize that it’s somewhere near the place where we came to see Nana Stone, the day everything changed. Rolling down the window, I breathe in the fresh saltwater smell and inhale deeply. Despite the obvious chill in the weather and it not being peak season anymore, there’s something about being near the water that puts you in a summer state of mind. As if realizing my happiness, Cole places his hand on my knee and squeezes gently.
“This is perfect,” I tell him as he slows down toward a bend in the road. The Volvo turns into an open driveway which leads to an opulent two-story glass beach house which sits on a large expanse of sand. I’m in a trance, looking at the breathtaking structure. It’s gorgeous! You can see inside the glass and see the entire spacious interior. The house itself is a mixture of both modern and traditional architecture with its driftwood flooring. I gasp as we near it since I see the clear blue water behind it. Private beach!
“Oh My God.”
“Do you like it?”
“It . . . it’s gorgeous! Whose house is this?” I turn toward him, nearly jumping in my seat as I take in all the beauty around me.
“My parents bought this a couple of months ago from their college friends. I . . . I’ve wanted to bring you here for a while but I guess the timing was never right.”
“Wow, Cole. This is really amazing, I can’t believe your parents own this place!”
He shrugs casually. “I’ve been here a lot in my childhood. My parent’s friends . . . they’re moving outside the US and they wanted to sell this place. Cassandra thought we had too many memories attached to the house to just le
t it go so they bought it.”
“I can definitely see why she wouldn’t want some stranger to own it. It’s so . . . wow.”
“So would you like a tour, Ms. O’Connell?” he asks gesturing toward the house and I all but rip my seatbelt off and sink my feet into the sand. I’m quick to take off my boots and socks since the cool sand feels wonderful on my feet, despite the colder temperatures.
“Definitely.”
***
As expected the house is as beautiful on the inside as it is on the outside. I’m in the bathroom of the master bedroom, which is one of the six bedrooms in the house—yes, six. Cole’s put our bags in the same room and he’s in the kitchen making us dinner. My heart is doing its usual gymnastics routine whenever it comes to Cole. Splashing some cold water onto my face, I try to get my hormones under control.
If I keep thinking about “it” for the rest of the weekend, everything’s going to be a mess. I’ll never be able to act normal around Cole at this rate. He has given no indication of the fact that he wants something to happen so why am I psyching myself out?
“You can do this,” I tell my image in the mirror and maybe I’ll fool myself into believing that.
I take a cold shower since I hear that’s what you’re supposed to do but really, it didn’t do much to my racing heart or out-of-control thoughts. Standing in the bedroom in just my towel, I realize that Cole’s right across the hall from me and I’m nearly stark naked right now.
Shaking my head, I rummage through the bag Cole brought for me until I freeze when my hand lands on a certain lacy garment.
Oh No.
With trembling hands I pull out the pair of black lacy panties Beth gave me as a gag gift after declaring that I’d be a virgin for life. I haven’t touched them since my birthday last year. They’ve been stuffed in some dark, untouched crevice of my underwear drawer.
Which only means one thing . . .
As quickly as I can, I get dressed. Scrunching the panties in my hand, I rush toward Cole, feeling infuriated and embarrassed beyond words. Unluckily for him he’s standing next to a frying pan full of hot sizzling oil.