by Blair Holden
“Hey, I thought I’d make . . .”
He stops when he catches the expression on my face.
He holds up his hands defensively. “Whatever it is that you think I did, I probably did it and I’m sorry.”
I grit my teeth. “You did not go through my underwear drawer, did you?”
He bites and tugs on his lips and I swear I can see him hiding a smile, that smug bastard!
“Well . . . someone had to pack the necessities.”
“Oh My God! I can’t believe this.” I cover my face with both my hands, feeling absolutely mortified.
“Tessie, come on, it’s not that big of a deal. Please don’t be embarrassed. It’s just me. I’m sorry, I should’ve asked your permission but I wanted to surprise you and I wasn’t thinking. Don’t be mad, sweetheart, I mean it’s not like I’m never going to see you—”
He stops himself just at the same moment my head whips up to hear him finish the sentence. Holy shit.
“Holy shit,” he breathes, repeating my thoughts.
“Uh, forget I said that. I’m . . . I’m going to go finish dinner.” He looks a bit dazed as he jerks his thumb toward the kitchen area, staring intently at the ground.
“Yeah . . . yeah that’s good. Do that. I’ll . . . I’ll go call my dad and tell him we got here okay.”
“Okay, good.”
“Yeah.”
“Right.”
“Well I’ll go now, see you umm, see you in a bit.”
I hurry back to the bedroom and fall face-first on the mattress. So . . . I’m not the only one feeling the tension then, huh? I gulp. This could be quite the weekend.
Chapter Thirty: I’m more Clueless Than a Kardashian Without a Camera Crew
Breathless and shaking all over I turn around so that I’m on my back. My trembling hands reach for the phone as I do what I’ve done in, well, not similar situations but close enough. In five seconds flat I’m in a conference call with Beth and Megan.
“Will you guys first please tell me whether my brother or my boyfriend’s best friend are within hearing distance?”
“No.” They answer simultaneously and I sigh in relief, my head making a thudding sound as it comes into contact with the pillow and I breathe through my nose.
“So we have a code red situation,” I tell them and am immediately bombarded with questions from both of them.
“But you’re with Cole, right? He was going to surprise you and he told us . . . are you okay?”
“Do you want me to bring out my steel-toed boots and kick him? But I should warn you, then you won’t get to have those genetic-lottery-winning blond-haired, green-eyed babies Megan’s been fantasizing about.”
“What?” I half shriek and Megan groans on the other end.
“I just said that if Cole and you ever had kids they’d be the cutest things ever! And I get dibs on being the godmother because Beth’s going to be their aunt anyway.”
“Hey!” Beth shouts in protest and I can almost see her pale skin becoming tinged with a deep shade of red. If I weren’t seconds away from a certified panic attack I’d find this conversation very confusing.
“Guys, would you listen to me! Did you forget what I just said about code red?”
“Right, so what’s going on? Did you and Mr. Godsend have a lover’s spat?” Beth asks wryly.
“No . . . uh.” How the heck did I even consider doing it when I can’t even talk about the subject with my best friends? This is how pathetic I am and Cole expects me to . . . I’m going to die. I know it, I’ll die right here in this very bedroom and I’m about to tell two people the most embarrassing cause of death that’s ever been recorded.
“Tessa, what’s going on? You’re scaring us.” Megan’s voice is soothing and calming, like she’s dealing with a frightened little child, a child I’m clearly acting like. I’m sure the mature thing to do would have been to sit down with Cole and discuss my feelings and then plan a route of action—or no action—but look at me. I’m hiding, cowering beneath the comforter and running to my pseudo-mommies.
“I think I want to take the next step with Cole.” My voice is barely above a whisper. My face is flaming red and I’ve basically buried my head between my knees as if expecting a physical blow in response to my words. There’s complete silence on both lines. You can almost hear the imaginary crickets chirping.
It’s Beth who cuts the very palpable tension surrounding us and when she speaks, it’s the last thing I could have ever expected.
“What the hell? You two haven’t slept together yet?”
A scandalized gasp leaves my mouth the same minute Megan starts shrieking at Beth for being too crude and insensitive. I can’t breathe; I just can’t. My lungs struggle to function, as hysterical laughter bursts from within me. Now I can’t stop laughing. I laugh until tears start pouring out of my eyes as my best friends continue fighting on the other end.
“I can’t believe that’s what you guys thought!” I say once I manage to calm down and catch my breath. If Cole’s heard anything alarming then he doesn’t make it known. But then I think the day has reached its saturation point of embarrassing moments. It can only get better, right? Of course, Tessa, of course it will. Believe that.
“Well what were we supposed to think? You guys are always glued to each other’s side. You’re alone all the time doing God knows what if you weren’t even hooking up.”
“Beth shut up, just please shut up.” Megan groans and tries to make sure I don’t have another panic attack.
“What she’s trying to say is that you two just always seem so in love. We thought that it was only natural that . . .”
“That what? We were . . . we were sleeping together? I can’t believe you guys just assumed that!”
“What’s so wrong about that, Tessa? Come on, it’s no big deal. You’re eighteen and still hanging on to your virginity despite having the perfect boyfriend who’s crazy in love with you. That’s just . . . wrong.” Beth snorts and I use a pillow to muffle my cries of frustration.
These two were supposed to be helping me. Telling me what to do, whether it’s too soon and if I should wait some more. But this is going all wrong.
“It’s okay if she wants to wait, Beth. I personally think she should only do it if and when she’s ready.”
“But how will I know when I’m ready?” I half whisper, the words barely making any sound.
“You just will. Everything will feel right. I mean you’ll still feel scared to death but in your heart you’ll know that you can trust the person you’re with to not hurt you. And you’ll be in love with the person, obviously,” Megan tells me with such certainty in her voice that I begin to breathe easier.
Until.
“Wait a second, does that mean you and Alex . . .” I leave the question incomplete, unable to wrap my mind around the idea that my sweet, naïve, and slightly neurotic friend might have actually done the deed before me. Plus her parents are practically prison wardens. There’s no way . . .
“Yeah right, have you met her parents? She couldn’t have escaped their hold long enough even for a quickie in the backseat.”
“Megan?”
“I’m right, aren’t I, Megs?” Beth asks and I know we’re both holding our breaths. She’s quiet, way too quiet.
“Well,” she stretches the word and I gasp, the same instant Beth exclaims her choice swear word of the month.
“WHAT!”
“Come on, guys.” She whines sounding terribly embarrassed, “I knew you’d react like this!”
“But you . . . how, when? I can’t believe you didn’t tell us!” My voice is coming out squeaky, like I’ve inhaled helium and the urge to crawl under the covers and never come out is stronger than ever. Nothing is what it seems. Ex-best friends have tragic, haunting pasts, boyfriends think about you naked, and current best friends lose their virginities without letting you know about it.
“I still can’t believe you and Alex did it before Colessa.”
“What? Colessa? Did you just couple name us, Beth?”
“Sure, everyone does it. You two are so sickeningly perfect together, it totally warrants a couple name. Personally I like Colessa but there’s a variety out there for you to choose from.”
“Okay then, that’s just creepy. And off topic. Megan! When did this happen? And . . . how was it?”
She contemplates her answer for a while, my heart racing like crazy as I wait for her to make up her mind. Beth has already told us about her less-than-great experience. She was sixteen and had just been about to move to our town. Her then-boyfriend, a rock star wannabe with a beat-up old truck, had told her he loved her and coerced her into sleeping with him. She said she did it out of curiosity and that it had been pretty lackluster. So it’s quite obvious that Megan’s answer matters hugely.
“Well, it was a little awkward and a little painful but that part’s totally biological and had to happen, right? Alex was really sweet and he took great care of me. In the end, I did feel great and more, well, more in love with him if that makes sense? I think it brought us even closer and we connected on a whole new level.”
“That’s what she said.”
“Beth!” We both exclaim at the same time before all three of us burst out laughing.
“I swear I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” Megan is laughing her crazy hyena laugh where she occasionally snorts. I join in feeling a lot lighter and relieved. So it’s awkward for everyone, right? Good, that’s good. It’s a relief, but does that mean that I’m going to go ahead with it?
“But Tessa, listen, you’ll know if you’re not ready. I mean if you’re still thinking about it as much as you are then maybe you and Cole should talk about it. It sounds horribly awkward but in the end it’s better to just be clear about these things. You don’t want to give the other person the wrong impression or hurt their feelings.”
“When did you become such an expert on sex?” Beth sounds slightly dazed and I feel the same way too. This is Megan. The nerd, the one with dictator-like parents who probably expect her to become a nun. It’s weird, hilarious but weird. But I’m happy for her, glad that she has someone like Alex. Knowing from Nicole and Beth that some guys take a girl’s virginity for granted it’s good to know that guys like Alex still exist.
“Who’s a sex expert?”
The blood drains from my face.
“Is that my brother?” I ask in a barely there voice.
“Wait, is that my sister? Are you talking to my sister about sex?” Travis shrieks.
“I gotta go, guys. Bye, love you, and if one of you wants to kill me then just donate my music to a worthy cause.”
Beth hangs up.
“Tessa?”
“Did that just happen, Megan? Did that really just happen?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Oh God.”
“I know.”
“I think I’m going to go throw myself in the ocean now. Bye Megs, talk to you later.”
“But Tessa, no, wait . . .”
I end the call and decide that once I go back I will do a research project on how it is possible even if not statistically proven to die of utter humiliation.
***
When I finally decide to come out of my room, I’ve simmered down a bit. Of course I turned my phone off, expecting Travis to start bombarding me with calls and text messages which threaten Cole bodily harm. The fates hate me today, which is why it is possible that Travis may have contacted Cole. If he has then Cole doesn’t show it. I find him in the living room, watching a movie on the huge flat screen. Well, I’d use the term watching loosely. He’s mostly just staring at the wall in front of him while Reese Witherspoon continues being Legally Blonde. Cole would never watch Legally Blonde, ever. This is definitely a state of emergency.
I take a seat next to him tentatively and you can feel the tension rolling off of both of us. I’m as aware of his every move, every blink and facial expression as he is of mine. We’re weird like that, so attuned to each other that I could tell you his exact movements blindfolded.
“Hey,” I whisper softly, placing my hand between the both of us.
It’s a peace offering, a way to break this awful tension.
“Hey.” His voice is throaty, his eyes downcast but his hand still meets mine in the middle as he interlinks our fingers.
“Did you talk to your dad?”
What? Why would I . . . Oh, right. I told him I was going to go talk to my dad.
“Yeah I did.”
“Good.”
Not this again! It’s time to take this into my own hands then.
“Cole, listen, about what happened earlier . . . “ I take a deep, calming breath which really doesn’t serve its purpose but oh well.
“I think we should talk about it, right? That’s what people who are in relationships do, they talk about things. We should talk too. What happened before . . . let’s not allow it to make things awkward between us. I’m not mad at you for what you said, I get it.” Before saying the last part, I squeeze my eyes shut and tighten my grip on Cole’s hand. “In fact I’ve been thinking about it too.” I hear his quick inhale of breath. His fingers hold mine in a death grip and I felt a shudder pass through his body. But then maybe it’s my own shivering that I’m passing off as his. But then I can’t regret being honest with him. He needs to know that he’s not the only one having these urges. That I’m on the same page as him but he also needs to know that I want to wait.
“But I don’t think I’m ready, not yet. It’s me and all the messed-up things in my life. I need some time to clear it all up. I just . . . now’s not a good time. I’m sorry if you expected . . .”
“Tessie,” Cole groans and places his hand behind my neck pulling me to him. He begins kissing me furiously. So furiously and passionately that I forget everything I’d been rambling about. But that’s all he does, he kisses me. Our hands are folded between us and it’s like he’s telling me he loves me for the first time all over again, this time with his lips.
I moan against his mouth and feel him smile. My hands itch to run through his hair but he’s restricting them. Finally when we pull apart, panting for breath, he places one last kiss on my forehead and my heart turns into a bloody, gooey mess.
“I love you,” he breathes, pulling me close to his chest. “And I’m a lucky bastard that you love me back even when I monumentally fuck up.”
I’m a bit sensitive to his second-last choice of word right now, but oh well who’s asking?
“You didn’t. I told you I understand; it’s okay,” I mutter into his chest.
“Yeah right. I made you feel like you had to . . . Christ, I keep finding new ways to mess things up with you. At this rate we might not even make it till prom.” He groans and I laugh.
“Don’t knock yourself down too much. I’m sure we’ll manage.”
He snorts. “Don’t sound too confident.”
I lie content in his arms, just inhaling his scent and enjoying the quiet. This is good, this is perfect.
“Hey, Tessie?”
“Yeah?”
“You know I can wait as long as you want, right? In fact if you want to live a life of celibacy I’d totally be . . .”
“Ugh! Would you shut up, please?” I whine, ducking my face into his neck. There’s a flush creeping up my neck and I can feel Cole’s body reverberating with laughter. Now the jerk-wad is just enjoying himself.
“I’m just giving you your options, that’s all.”
“How about you just forget I ever said something, okay?”
“But then I wouldn’t be me and you wouldn’t be you. Does that make sense?”
“Strangely so,” I muse. “And Cole? If you ever go through my underwear drawer again, I’m going to be listening to nineties boy bands. A lot. So much so that you’ll find yourself becoming a Nick Carter fanboy. Just saying.”
He shudders. “Touché.”
***
By th
e next hour we settle into a comfortable rhythm, all awkwardness forgotten. We eat the reheated dinner and watch some television. It’s the perfect night for cozying up in front of a fireplace but before that we attempt to brave walking on that beach, beneath layers of warm clothes. We stroll close to the shoreline, hand in hand and there’s something so sublime about the solitude. I know, I know it’s so cliché but the immensity of the moment cannot be ignored.
“Nicole and I had a talk today.” He’s surprised. I don’t look at him but I can feel the stiffness of his body and how he suddenly comes to a standstill. He’s checking for battle scars, eyes washing over me from head to toe. I let him have his scrutiny since he’s only doing it because he loves me.
“It’s not what you think. We didn’t have a WWE smackdown, we just talked. A lot. Well she talked and I listened.”
We slowly make our way back to the house and settle in front of the fireplace. We take off our warm coats and wrap ourselves in blankets instead. I curl into Cole’s side and tell him all about it. When it comes to the part where I tell him that Nicole’s in love with him, he seems genuinely shocked.
“Look, I thought that she always hit on me because it was some messed-up way of showing you up. She got Jay and she rubbed it in your face. When we got closer, I thought she wanted to try the same thing.”
He rubs his palm over a slightly scruffy jaw. It’s a different look for him since he’s always clean-shaven but I find it quite appealing. It just adds to the list of things I love about him. The list is never ending though, so I could be borderline obsessed.
“Do you remember the incident? The one where you found her in the boys’ bathroom?”
He sighs and nods hesitantly. “I wanted to tell you, I did. But . . .”
“It wasn’t any of my business. Cole. I didn’t have any right to know. It was Nicole’s secret to share, not yours. I understand.”
“I just helped her out a bit and looked out for her a while. It was pretty easy since she was always around you. But then she seemed fine and there weren’t any obvious bruises so I . . .” He chokes before getting the last words out, “I forgot.”