“Zack? When did you get here?” I ask, rubbing my bleary eyes as I sit up on the sofa.
He’s crouching down in front of me, his eyes full of compassion and concern for me.
“I just got here and let myself in when you didn’t answer. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Of course not. I asked you to come.” I reply gratefully.
God knows what I must look like right now. I remember that I had been crying for several hours before sheer exhaustion kicked in and I fell asleep on the sofa. I pull myself to my feet and make my way into my bedroom where there’s a full length mirror. Zack follows me, watching my every move with caution. I know he’s scared and I would be too if I were the one to receive the phone call that he did from me earlier.
My reflection is hideous. My mascara is all smudged and has ran down my face, leaving black remnants of my tears. My hair is all messed up from tugging my fingers through it so many times and my actual eyes look haunted and…lost. I feel lost and am struggling to remember who the real me is. Where is she and when did I lose her?
“Where’s the letter?”
“Erm… it’s in the living room on the coffee table where I left it.” I answer him, reaching for a tissue.
I know it won’t do much good and what I really need to feel somewhat better is a long hot soak in the bath. However, I know that Zack will be intent on discussing this and the letter I received. He’s going to want to find out everything I know about the person who sent it and I can imagine it will be sometime before he lets the issue go. I don’t even know if he will.
He walks back into the bedroom with the letter in his hand. It starts to tremble as he scans the content of it and his expression transforms into one of fury. I moisten my lips and take a seat on the bed, clasping my small hands together as I await his reaction.
“Who sent this to you?” He demands, glaring down at the words that have been written. “Is it the same person that’s been calling?”
“I don’t know.” I whisper, folding my arms in an attempt to protect myself.
“You must have some idea.” He snaps accusingly.
“Not really… I… I mean I’m not sure.”
“You’re not sure? So that means you think you might know?” He challenges me, not even trying to conceal his fury.
“God, Zack! Do we really need to talk about this right now?” I cry, jumping up onto my feet.
“Yeah, we fucking do! You called me in floods of tears just an hour ago. You were crying so hard I could barely understand what you were saying. You could scarcely breathe and I was at the other end of the Goddamn line completely fucking helpless! I was forty miles away and could do nothing. I cut out of work and skipped my last few meetings because I was so terrified you might do something stupid and I knew I had to get back here to be with you. You have no idea how scared I was driving back here, I don’t even know how I managed to keep the car on the fucking road so don’t you dare ask me if we really need to talk about this!”
He grabs hold of my shoulders, shaking me firmly. His extreme emotion is enough to tip me right over the edge and I guess this is the reason I finally breakdown. I collapse against him, seeking comfort and security in the strength of Zack as he keeps my body standing. I sob violently and weep for what feels like hours. I don’t even notice when he lifts me up and places me on the bed, lying next to me as he tries to soothe me, cradling my exhausted body against his.
I clutch his shirt, soaking the material with my tears as I struggle to breathe and fight my way out of the darkness. I feel entirely lost, I don’t know who I am anymore or if I’m even the same person that I’ve always been. I really don’t know if I’m the same girl that Zack fell in love with all those months ago. I don’t even know if he’s the same man because I’m so consumed by my own heartache and misery.
Zack must have been holding me for at least an hour before my crying finally ceased. He’s still got his arms wrapped around me, refusing to loosen his grasp on me for one second. Fatigue and weariness is what put a stop to my never-ending tears. I guess the physical demands on my body were just too great and now I’m left feeling broken and defeated once again.
“Can I get you anything?” Zack whispers, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. “How about a hot drink or something?”
“That would be nice.” I offer him a weak smile, disentangling myself from him so he can get up.
He strokes my jawline which causes me to tremble. Regardless of how terrible I’m feeling on the inside, the physical response I have to this man will always be the same. There’s nothing I can do about it and at least now I don’t have to deny it. Zack and I are together now which also means there is no more sneaking around, no more lying and no more shame.
Except of course there is.
I can’t help glancing at the discarded letter that Zack left on the floor. I’ve read it several times but find myself reaching for it again. I don’t know whether this is my own way of punishing myself for what I did but I do it anyway. Its absolute torture but I can’t stop myself from doing it. The confident, composed and commanding letter is now scorched into my memory and yet I still re-read it, desperate to understand how someone could actually write something like this.
Dear, Whore.
I am writing to tell you how much you are despised, how much you are hated and how weak and pathetic I think you are. You are a devious, manipulative and conniving little slut who stole her own sister’s fiancé right underneath her nose. She is worth ten million of you and I truly believe this is the reason that you did it. You are worthless. You are nothing and no one on this earth would miss you if you were to disappear from it forever. He will soon see through you and then you will be alone. Abandoned. Forgotten and unwanted. Every single day you are going to have to live with the knowledge of what you did. You ruin lives, lives of the people you claimed to love and for this you are incapable and unworthy of being forgiven. You are beyond redemption and I cannot wait for the day that your entire world falls apart around you.
Have a wonderful life, slut and enjoy it whilst you can. There are no happy endings for a slut like you…
Yours truly xxx
I thought that reading it again would make angry. I thought that I would feel destroyed or torn apart like I did the first time I saw it but now… I just feel numb. I feel nothing and I don’t know which is worse.
Zack comes back into my bedroom a couple of minutes later with two steaming mugs of coffee. I made sure that I left the handwritten note where he left it and placed it back on the floor before he came in. I thank him for my drink and take a small sip, seeking comfort in the warmth it brings me as it soothes my sore throat.
“Look at your shirt.” I say, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry I ruined it.”
“I don’t care about that.” He replies dismissively, glancing at the front of his expensive clothing as though it doesn’t matter to him at all. “All I care about is you.”
“Do… do you think you could stay here tonight?” I ask him timidly. “I really don’t want to be alone.”
“Of course I can. You know that I really don’t like the idea of you being here by yourself.”
“I know you don’t it’s just… I don’t feel ready to move in with you yet.”
“Why not? Because you’re worried about what people will think?”
“Not just people. It’s your parents and the rest of your family. Everyone.”
“Baby, I’ve already told you that I don’t give a damn about what my parents think and I won’t speak to them again until they learn to accept that you’re my life now and that you and I are together.”
“That’s what I truly hate, Zack. The fact that you’re no longer speaking to your own mum and dad because of me.”
“No, it’s because of them and the way that they’re choosing to behave. I’m their son and they should trust my judgement. It’s none of their business how I choose to live my life or who I choose to love. Sam, I’ve already made my c
hoice and it’s you.”
“I love you.” I whisper, allowing him to kiss me on the lips for the first time since he got here.
“I love you more and that’s why I’m going to find out who sent you this letter. We need to take it to the police.”
“No!”
“Baby, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I need you to let me take care of this.”
Zack reaches for the letter once again, glaring at it with pure hatred.
“I don’t want the police involved, Zack. It will just make it worse.”
“Don’t you want to know who sent this?”
“I-I think I might already know.”
“What? How can you know? Do you recognise the hand writing?” He bombards me with questions, anxiously waiting for my response.
“No but the ‘yours truly’ part seems familiar to me. I’m sure an old school friend of Rachel’s used to always put it at the end of her emails whenever she contacted Rachel. It could be her.”
“Do you know her name?”
“Only her first name which is Jessica. I don’t know her surname.”
“That’s all we need. We have to report this.”
“Zack, don’t. It will only make things worse and I doubt she will choose to contact me again.”
“How the fuck does she even know where you live? That’s what I want to know.” He demands furiously, curling his fist around the poisonous note which was sent to me.
“I have no idea. The only people who know my new address are you and Audrey.”
“What about Jason?”
“It can’t be him.” I conclude firmly, unwilling to believe that someone who used to be my friend could do such a thing. “He wouldn’t have told her.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do because I never gave him my address.”
“Hmm.” Zack strokes his bottom lip in concentration, pacing back and forth in front of me deep in thought. “I still might pay him a little visit, just to make sure that he knows to keep his distance from you.”
“Zack, I’ve already changed my number. He can’t get in touch with me now.” I patiently remind him, rubbing the centre of my forehead.
“Good. I don’t want that son of a bitch anywhere near you.” He growls possessively and clenches his jaw, something I know he does when he’s really annoyed.
“Is someone slightly jealous?” I enquire gently, climbing off the bed as I make my way over towards him.
“Of course I am.” He replies sullenly. “I can’t even help it anymore. Do you know how many sleepless nights I’ve spent in complete and utter torment thinking about you? Wanting you and needing you to the point of insanity. I knew then that I would do absolutely anything to have you and now that I do… I’m willing to do everything in my power to keep you. You are mine, Samantha. You always have been and you always will be. Never, ever forget that.”
His mouth crashes down against my own, stealing the breath out of my lungs as his tongue separates my lips, demanding an entrance.
“Zack…” I moan breathlessly, arching my neck as he trails his lips along my throat.
“Come away with me.” He whispers, wrapping my legs around his waist as he lifts me up.
“Huh?”
I have no idea what he’s talking about, I’m far too aroused to concentrate on anything other than Zack and what he’s doing to my body.
“Let’s leave all of this behind us and start somewhere else. I don’t want you to have to go through something like this again. Come away with me and let me take care of you. Neither one of us has to stay here.”
He walks over to my bed and places me on it, slowly undressing me as his eyes wander up and down my naked body.
“Where would we go? What about your work?” I reply, struggling to fully engage with our conversation when he’s touching me like this and gazing at me with so much intensity.
“I can afford to take a few months off and once we find somewhere we want to be I can ask my boss for a transfer to another company.”
“I… I don’t know.”
“What about a holiday instead? Somewhere we can go and figure out how we want to spend the rest of our lives together.” He strokes my hair back from my face, staring deeply into my eyes.
It’s plain to see how eager he is to remove me from all of this. He’s fearful when it comes to leaving me by myself, especially since I’ve started to receive anonymous phone calls and now this venomous letter. Besides my slight suspicion about the note, I have no idea who has been calling me. At first I thought it could be my old friend Jason but now I’m not so sure. Zack and Rachel’s wedding which was due to take place in August was cancelled, therefore it could be anybody. I’m sure that my own mother has made sure that everyone I once knew thinks ill of me. My entire family have cut me off and refuse to speak to me for what I did to Rachel, even my own brother. They also think I’m lying about what my Uncle Harry once did to me. He’s Rachel’s biological father and even though no one really knows about this, they still think the world of him.
“I’m not so sure.” I say uncertainly, suddenly anxious when it comes to the idea of a vacation with Zack.
“Come on, baby. Please. You know how desperate I am to spoil you and we both need some time away from everything. At least consider it?”
I hesitate for a moment longer, considering the pros and cons of escaping the harsh reality of my life for a moment.
“Ok.” I acquiesce, slowly nodding my head.
“Ok? Does that mean you will consider it?” He asks breathlessly.
“It means I will go wherever you want. I agree with you that we both deserve some time out.”
“You mean it? You’ll really go?”
“Yes.”
He grins at me before lowering his muscular and athletic body onto my own, my arms find their way around his neck as we continue to kiss passionately. He makes love to me in a way that he never quite has done before. There’s a need and an urgency in his movements which prove to me how desperate he is to keep me close. I don’t know whether he can sense me slipping away from him or whether it’s because he can see our ideal future fading into the background. Regardless of the reason behind it, he’s relentless in the need he has to keep me close, crushed against him and right by his side for the entire night.
I close my eyes and seek solace in his arms. When we’re alone together like this I feel safe. It’s the one and only time I feel like I belong, we belong to one another and I start to believe that all of the agony and heartache we’ve been through is worth it.
It’s also at times like this when I can’t keep myself from thinking about how much Zack has already sacrificed just to be with me since he tracked me down and turned up at my new apartment in October. It’s now November and it’s only been four weeks since we reunited. Four weeks since I learnt that my older sister had fled back to London to try and start again. Four weeks since I learnt that she went through the agonising decision to have an abortion.
Because of me.
I remember the day she first told me she was expecting Zack’s baby. She was so elated and exuberant at the thought of being a mum. I can only imagine what pain and misery she must have experienced before changing her mind completely and going ahead with the termination.
Zack and I rarely talk about it. I know it’s still an extremely painful subject for him and I don’t want to make things worse by bringing it up so often. He was more than willing to stand by Rachel and the baby but once she found out he had no interest in rekindling their relationship, she moved back to London where I presume she had the termination.
Part of me still longs to reach out to my sister. The physical ache inside of me is still there every single day because I know that Zack and I broke her heart. I miss her so much and would give anything to know that she’s alright and coping. Of course I have no right to know these things and that’s why I will never go looking for her. I will be right here for her the day she wants to find me
or speak to me again but until then… I will keep my distance and allow her to rebuild her life without my interference.
Zack ended up taking the job he originally planned on starting when he first moved back up here from London with Rachel. My new apartment where I fled once I found out my sister was pregnant is still the same place where I’m living now and Zack comes by as often as he can. He has his own place nearer to his work and stays there throughout the week to save on the commute. However, he sometimes surprises me by turning up at my front door, desperate to see me and willing to get up incredibly early the next morning for his long journey back.
It’s not an ideal situation and this is why he’s been so persistent when it comes to us moving in together. He wants us to try a new city and leave the painful reminders of our past behind us. I want that too but there’s something holding me back.
Fear.
Zack’s parents have already voice their opinion and intense disapproval when it comes to our relationship. They were absolutely horrified when they found out about our affair and even more devastated when they found out about Rachel’s decision to end her pregnancy because of our betrayal. They blamed me for everything which forced Zack to sever all ties with them until the day they learn to accept me in his life. If they ever will…
A part of me truly believed that once we could be together, everything in our life would be perfect. I suppose it was a naive and idealistic way of viewing things but that’s how I’ve been coping, praying for the day that Zack and I can be free to live our lives together and move forward from the circumstances in which we first met.
Now It's Just Us (Wrong Girl Book 2) Page 2