“There’s nothing to talk about.” He retorts coldly, sounding angry and dismissive.
His entire demeanour changes. His stance is so defensive and distant towards me and even though I know the reason behind it, it still hurts. I can now see how important it is for the two of us to discuss this, even if it is incredibly painful.
“Of course there is. You’re still grieving and that’s ok, Zack. I don’t blame you for it and there’s no reason for you to try and keep it from me. The fact that you loved the baby you were going to have with her is ok.”
“I just don’t want to make things even harder for you.” He explains gently. “Not after your own termination. What I feel about Rachel’s abortion doesn’t even begin to compare to what you must have gone through when you were eighteen. It would be selfish of me to talk to you about it, knowing how much you’ve already suffered.”
“Zack, talking about what happened will not make you selfish. It was your baby too and my niece or nephew, it’s ok for you to grieve.”
“Please… don’t.” He begs me, relinquishing his hold on me.
“She would have been twenty-eight weeks or so by now.” I murmur quietly, turning my back on him so I can look out at the ocean before us… anything to avoid observing the torment in his eyes.
“Sam…”
“Which means she would be around seven months or so.” I continue, refusing to acknowledge his plea for me to stop.
“Don’t.” He warns me.
“Doesn’t that affect you in some way?” I cry, whirling around to face him. “Don’t you think about it every single day? Doesn’t it tear you apart?”
“Yeah, it fucking does, ok?! Is that what you want to hear? Does it make you feel better to know that I haven’t forgotten? Does it help you to know that I’m in agony too?!” He yells, grabbing hold of my arms firmly.
Despite Zack’s intense exasperation, I can’t help from feeling relieved now that he’s finally opened up to me about it. For weeks I’ve tried to talk to him about this and every single time he’s shut me down, refusing to divulge anything.
“Now I get it.” I whisper, nodding my head in understanding.
“Get what?”
“Why you don’t like me taking my contraceptive pills and why you want a replacement baby with me.”
“Jesus, Sam. That’s crazy.” He responds, tilting my face up towards his.
“Yeah, it would be.” I snap bitterly, folding my arms across my chest.
“Not the bit about the baby. I mean the replacement part of what you just said.”
“You know what I think? I think you seriously need to consider whether you’re actually willing to waste the rest of your life with someone like me.” I challenge him. “I’m just the whore who stole her sister’s fiancé, remember? Isn’t that what your mum said about me?”
“Wait… h-how do you know that?”
“I overheard the two of you talking on the phone a couple of weeks ago.” I explain sadly, recalling the soul-destroying moment when I heard what his mum said about me to Zack. “Her voice was pretty loud and I couldn’t help from hearing what she said about me stealing you from Rachel.”
“She didn’t call you a whore, Samantha.” He says softly.
“I know but she might as well have.” I retort harshly, struggling to conceal my anger from him.
“God, Samantha… I’m so sorry you had to hear that.” He apologises, forcing me to make eye contact with him when I turn away.
“It’s not your fault, Zack. I also heard you defending me to her when you didn’t have to.”
“I will always defend you, Sam. I don’t ever want to hear a single bad word being said about you… not when I know how amazing you are. I’m still furious with my mum for how she’s been since Rachel and I broke up. I don’t even want to speak to her right now.” He complains, pausing for several moments. “I don’t even know if I want to speak to her again after all the things she’s said.”
“Part of me thinks she might be right… the truth is you could have anyone you wanted if you weren’t with me and there’s not a single person in your life who thinks we should be together. I’m damaged goods, Zack. I always have been.”
“Don’t you dare say that!” He growls menacingly. “I don’t want to hear you speak like that about yourself again, do you understand?”
He shakes me roughly, glaring down at me with a furious gleam in his eyes.
“Zack…”
“I mean it, Sam. You have to stop this. You are not damaged and you never have been. You’re perfect.”
“How can you say that? You know everything about me, you know everything that’s happened...”
I can’t even bring myself to finish my sentence. We both know what I’m referring to. It’s something I rarely talk about and purposefully choose not to discuss.
Harry.
It’s been several months since I first confided in Zack about what my uncle did to me as a child. It was such a life-changing and earth-shattering moment for me when I told him because I never thought I would find the strength to do it. The only person I opened up to about the abuse was my mother when I was just twelve years old. The rejection that I faced once I revealed the truth to her still hurts me. I guess there’s certain wounds which can take years to heal and sometimes… they don’t heal at all.
Zack still thinks we should go to the police with the information about my uncle and a huge part of me agrees with him. I know it can help so many people by coming forward and one day I hope I will be courageous enough to do it but until then… I try and get through each day as best I can.
“You’re right. I know what happened to you and you know what? It made me love you even more. Your past has made me cherish you in ways I didn’t even think were possible. I need you to believe that.”
He speaks sincerely, with integrity and truth. His eyes implore me to believe him, searching the depths of my soul as they connect with my own.
“I do it’s just… I feel so guilty. If it weren’t for me then you and Rachel might still be together, you could have been happy and you would still have your baby.”
“Rachel made her own choice, Samantha.” He insists, encircling my wrists with his strong fingers. “I had no say in it and neither did you. She did what was best for her and yes, her choice to terminate her pregnancy broke my heart but I can’t change what happened. We cannot erase the past and I wouldn’t want to. We can’t change the circumstances in which we met and we can’t keep on apologising for the fact that we fell in love. How long do we go on punishing ourselves?”
“I don’t know. Until it stops hurting?”
“The pain of what we did will never go away, Sam. Rachel will always be your sister and she will always be my ex-fiancé. These things are out of our control. We can’t torture ourselves for the rest of our lives.”
I take a moment to digest everything he’s just said, realising that I am beyond blessed to still have this man in front of me. Through it all he has stuck by me, refusing to give up on me and relentless in the pursuit of our happiness together. He believed in me when no one else did and he has more than proved that his love for me is unconditional.
“How did you get so wise?” I tease him, smiling up at him.
“I’m not so wise.” He chuckles lightly. “The only difference is you allow your guilt and mixed up thoughts to rule you and you can’t let them.”
“You could always help me…” I tell him, moistening my lips.
“I’ll help you any way I can, baby. You know that.”
“You mean it?”
“Of course I do. Anything you need, I’m here for you.”
“Then help me. Help me to forget.”
We’re back inside our hotel room within seconds, tearing at each other’s clothing as our mouths collide with a hint of violence behind our passion. Zack pushes me back onto the bed, helping me to discard the remainder of my clothing. I’m completely naked in front of him and always thoug
ht I would feel vulnerable and self-conscious. Instead, I can’t help from feeling exhilarated and emboldened, beautiful and strong.
I realise that my newfound sense of liberation comes from Zack. I never thought that I would be the type of person to feel comfortable with themselves or in their own sexual skin. I thought the abuse by my uncle and the damage this has caused me was mine forever, not once did I think that someone as unique and magnificent as Zack would be capable of releasing me from it.
“I want to taste every single inch of you.” He growls deeply, allowing his smouldering brown eyes to wander up and down my naked body. “You have no idea how incredible you taste on my tongue.”
“Zack, please…” I whimper, writhing on the bed in discomfort.
“Do you remember that time we were together on the sofa in your old apartment?” He asks me, speaking directly into my ear. “When you were on your hands and knees for me whilst I ate you from behind?”
“Uh-huh.” I mumble incoherently, grasping the quilt beneath me as I clench my thighs together.
That night will forever be engraved upon my memory. It’s impossible for me to forget it.
“How about we do that again? You look absolutely exquisite when you’re naked and bent over for me.”
He grabs hold of my hips, flipping me over onto my stomach. I presume he will take his time with me, possibly by trailing several light kisses down my neck before moving south. Instead, he is hasty and impulsive, encouraging me to rest on my elbows to support my upper body. He spreads my legs wide, baring my most intimate part of myself to him.
“Fuck, baby. You’re so wet for me already.”
“Taste me.” I beg him, startling myself by my own request and how bold it sounded.
“Is that what you need?” He asks. “My tongue on you? Making you come all over me.”
“Yes!” I moan wildly, overwhelmed and consumed by my ardent desire for him. My body feels like it’s on fire, burning with the need I have for him to be inside of me. I need to know I’m complete, I need to feel whole again.
The second his tongue makes contact with me, my whole body begins to tremble uncontrollably. My arms are unsteady, struggling to maintain my position on the bed. His mouth is persistent, relentless in its quest to make me come. He grasps my ass firmly, using his hold on it to pull me back onto his tongue, forcing me to rock back and forth against him.
“Come for me, Sam. I know you love it when I tongue fuck you like this. Come all over me… come all over my face and in my mouth. I need you, baby.”
The searing and intensive fire in the pit of my stomach erupts and explodes with a scorching, and searing ferocity, stealing the oxygen out of my lungs and the cries of pleasure from my throat. I throw my head back, arching my back as I raise my hips up towards him, anxious to meet every single one of his thrusts. His fingertips dig into my skin, no doubt marking me with bruises. I feel my core flood with moisture, opening up to him as I feel his tongue slip all the way inside me.
My arousal only seems to invigorate him further, heightening his own pleasure as well as the frantic desperation he is ruled by to make me climax.
“Your pussy tastes so beautiful. It’s perfect.” He groans, massaging the tops of my legs for me.
“Zack, I… I still need you.” I moan loudly, slowly coming down from my incredible release.
His sculptured and powerful body is on top of mine in an instant, flipping me onto my back. His hard arousal plunges deep inside of me as I rake my fingernails down the entire length of his back. My legs wrap around his waist, hoping to entice him even further. The only time I feel complete is when we’re connected like this, when we are joined and united as one.
“You’re mine. You’re mine forever.” He states firmly, prising my lips apart with his tongue so it can reach inside, swirling with my own. “Say it. Tell me that you’re mine. Only mine.”
“I’m yours, Zack. I’ve always been yours.” I cry out loudly, tugging on his hair as my thighs squeeze him tightly.
My words are his undoing as his mouth demands that I open up to him. He holds onto me for dear life, as though he’s frightened I might disappear before his very eyes unless he binds my body to his.
His release is all-consuming for the both of us. I experience what I can only describe as an electric current pulsating through my body as his warmth flows inside of me, providing me with an extraordinary amount of comfort and an unexplainable sense of joy and exhilaration. We ride the sublime wave of euphoria together, descending into a dreamlike and enchanting state of post-coital bliss as we collapse in each other’s arms.
Several minutes pass before I work up enough courage to say what’s on my mind. It’s something that’s been bugging me for a long time and I know I won’t rest until I hear what he has to say.
“Zack, I know this might not be the best time to ask you this but… how did you meet Rachel?”
“Sam…” He sighs wearily, lying on his back as he stares up at the bedroom ceiling.
“I’m just curious. She was always quite secretive about the two of you before she announced your engagement together.”
He doesn’t answer me right away so I turn on my side to face him, wondering why he’s so reluctant to talk about it. His jaw is clenched and so are his fists, the expression on his face is sombre, reminding me how stubborn he can be sometimes.
“You really want to know this?”
“Yes.” I insist, mentally preparing myself to hear the worst.
“Why?”
“I just want to know how you met my sister. Is that so wrong?”
“I suppose not.” He murmurs quietly, raking his fingers through his hair. “If you really want to know… we first met through a couple of our mutual friends. A colleague of mine was dating one of Rachel’s friends and the four of us went out together one night. That’s pretty much it.”
“Was it love at first sight?”
“Of course not.”
“But you must have thought she was beautiful.” I state confidently. “Everybody does.”
“It was a long time ago, Sam. I can hardly remember what my initial thoughts were about her.”
“But you two were only dating for a year before you got engaged. That’s not too long ago. You can’t have forgotten.”
“Sam…”
“Just tell me.”
“Yes!” He exclaims angrily. “I thought she was beautiful. Is that what you really want to hear?”
He sits up in bed and glares down at me, questioning the reason behind my interrogation.
“Of course I don’t.” I say sadly, blinking back my unwanted tears.
“Then why did you ask?” He demands firmly.
“I guess I just want to know the difference. The difference between the first time you saw her and the first time you saw me.”
“I don’t even know how to describe it to you. I don’t know how to explain it.” He rests his elbows on his knees, staring blankly into the darkness. “When I first saw you… it was indescribable. The magnetic pull I felt towards you was impossible to ignore. You switched something on inside of me, Sam. Something I didn’t even know existed until I met you. I truly thought I was in love with Rachel before I proposed to her. I meant every word when I asked her to marry me and then I met you. You changed everything for me, you changed my entire world.”
“When did you fall out of love with her?”
“It didn’t feel like I fell out of love with her. It was more about the realisation that what I felt for her didn’t even begin to compare to how I felt about you. I fell in love with you after I had only known you a few minutes and I know that sounds crazy but it’s the truth. You know how crazy I was when we couldn’t be together. I felt like I was losing my mind.”
“I felt the same. I guess it’s how I still feel sometimes.”
“Come here.”
He cradles me in his arms like he has done so many times before now. He promises me everything will be ok and for the firs
t ever time I actually start to believe him. Who says that my past pain and suffering gets to play any role in my future. I am the author of my own life and I am the only one who gets to decide how my story ends.
If I continue to look behind me, all I will ever see is darkness. By choosing to look forward… I know I will someday be able to find the light. As I fall asleep next to the man who wrongly captured my heart all those months ago, I realise that I would change nothing. He is my future, he is my soulmate and without him I would be lost.
Zack was my first glimpse of light. He was the first to make me feel loved, the first to make me feel special and the first one who decided to wade into the darkness to find me. Together we are invincible and I know we can face whatever life decides to throw at us.
Bring it on.
I’m ready.
Four months later…
“Today is my twenty-fourth birthday and the sun is shining in through our bedroom window. It’s still only March but we’ve now entered spring and the weather is slowly starting to warm up again. Zack and I have been living together for the past three months and I have now come to realise that all of the anxiety, trepidation and worrying about moving in together was unnecessary on my part.
I felt at home the second I got here and love the fact that I now think of this apartment as ‘ours.’ It also means that Zack doesn’t have to drive forty miles just to come and see me. He now gets to remain close to work and is much more at ease now that he knows I’m close by him.
Audrey was really understanding about me moving out of her apartment at such short notice. She was great about the whole thing and said she knew how important it was for me to be with Zack.
There’s been no more phone calls or anonymous letters since I moved in with him and I know that’s more than likely because I have a new address and phone number. I don’t really care what the reason is… so long as the harassment has come to an end.
Today is Saturday which means that Zack has the whole day off work. I was thrilled when he told me that we could spend the whole day together and celebrate my birthday in style. He’s been extremely secretive about what his plans are for today, even though I’ve told him over and over again that I don’t like surprises.
Now It's Just Us (Wrong Girl Book 2) Page 5