The Saddest Song

by Susie Kaye Lopez

  “Hey Rainey,” Max said. Rising from his seat on the porch step he reached out to hug me. I clung to him, fresh tears finding their familiar path down my cheeks. It seemed as if my eyes should have been dry by now. Where was this endless supply of tears coming from? I wasn’t eating or drinking much of anything. No food would stay down, or at least I assumed it wouldn’t. I hadn’t eaten in days. The cupcakes Caitlynn had brought me yesterday sat undisturbed in their box, growing stale. I didn’t think I would ever eat again, especially not cupcakes.

  “God Rainey, you’re all boney,” Max said. I gave a bitter laugh. He was looking pretty bad himself. We were both too thin to have to go through this.

  “I can’t eat Max. He can’t either, it’s only fair.”

  “Yeah, I know. That is what I think too.” I told you that Max and I were alike. I felt understood for the first time since this nightmare began. Not that Garrett understood me even half the time, he didn’t. He loved me anyway. He loved me all the time. No one would love me like that again. Not that it mattered, I didn’t want them to.

  “You sure you’re ready to face the folks?”

  “Yes, of course. You don’t think it will hurt them to see me here, do you?”

  Max ran his fingers through his messy dark hair and shrugged. “Everything hurts Rain, but you are what he loved most. How could they not want to be around you? Besides, you’re family.”

  I nodded. He opened the front door and I entered as I had a million times before, only this time he wasn’t waiting.

  As soon as I walked through the door, Garrett’s mom walked in from the kitchen and saw me. “Rainey! Oh Rainey!” I was enveloped in Mrs. McKinley’s arms, and my heart broke into even more pieces at the anguish in her sobs. I hugged her tightly as we both cried. Then I whispered the first thing that came into my head, not pausing to think or consider whether it was wise or hurtful.

  “He thought you were the coolest mom in the world, Mrs. McKinley. Every time we were around our friends’ moms he’d tell me how lucky he was to have you. He even used to say your cookies were better than theirs.”

  She gave a small laugh and said, “Really?”

  I nodded and continued. “He said that you understood him better than anyone and he could tell you anything.”

  She pulled back and looked at me, her face showing her exhaustion. She looked so defeated, and then she smiled as the tears streamed from her eyes. “Thank you for telling me sweetheart. I loved being his mom, and his buddy. I just can’t believe he’s gone…” Her voice broke and we hugged again. How many tears could one human cry? It was endless. She composed herself a little and asked about me.

  “Thank you for coming over Rainey. I know you are hurting as much as we are.”

  “Mrs. McKinley, I needed to be here with you and Max and Mr. McKinley. I would’ve come sooner, but I couldn’t even talk.” Or walk, or think, or breathe. I glanced at Max who stood there beside us, a tear running down his cheek. “Where’s your dad?” I asked him.

  “He went on a run. It’s the only time he’s left the house except for yesterday to go to the funeral.” I nodded, and Mrs. McKinley took Max by her right hand and me by her left and led us into the kitchen.

  “You two are both skin and bones. I’m going to feed you, I couldn’t bear it if either of you got sick.”

  “Oh, no thank you. I haven’t been able to eat.” I said. I knew I looked too thin, I had always been on the skinny side and at 5’8” I could look gaunt pretty quickly. I suppose I looked gothic, with my black hair and pale, emaciated body.

  Once I had overheard two girls talking about me in the bathroom at school. I was in a stall and one said, “What does Garrett see in her anyway?”

  Her friend replied. “What are you talking about, I think Rainey is gorgeous.”

  “Yeah, if your into Vampires.” They both laughed, and I had waited for them to leave before exiting the stall. I had been so hurt. I had my Irish mother’s complexion and my dad’s dark black hair and eyes. I had always liked the contrast, but I was aware of looking too intense, so I chose to wear bright colors and avoided black. Until now. Black seemed appropriate as I looked down at my all black ensemble.

  “All this food is just going to waste.” Mrs. McKinley gestured to the counter where several cakes, pies and trays of cookies covered the brown granite.

  “Wow,” I said. It reminded me of the bake sales we used to have in Junior High.

  “Oh, this is nothing Rainey. Look at this.” She opened her fridge and pointed to at least seven casseroles stacked atop one another, and three honey baked hams. “Let’s see, do you want lasagna, enchiladas, or chicken and broccoli?”

  My stomach lurched at the thought, and I met Max’s eyes. He sighed in a resigned way and gave in. “Mom,” he said gently, “it’s still morning. We’ll have a glass of milk and some pie and see how it goes.” Then looking at me, he smiled gently and said, “She’s right Rainey, we need to eat something.”

  “Okay.” I gave in, too exhausted to argue.

  “Good, I’ll warm this blackberry one in the oven.” Mrs. McKinley seemed to perk up at the idea of feeding us. I could tell she was eager to take care of the child who remained. She placed the pie on a cookie sheet and put it in the oven, then turned to the table and set it for two.

  “Wait mom, no deal if you don’t eat something too. The walking wounded stick together.”

  She gave her son a resigned grin and added two more settings. “Okay, I’ll put one out for your dad too.”

  As if on cue, Mr. McKinley came through the kitchen door, his sweatshirt stuck to his chest, wet with sweat. I nearly gasped at how much he looked like Garrett, a memory of him tired and sweaty after football practice flashed to my mind. I remember my mom telling me once that if I wanted to see what Garrett would look like in 25 years to just look at his dad. Strange how I had never seen how identical they were before.

  “Hi Rainey,” He tried to smile, but it was broken. Just like his family. Just like me.

  “I’d hug you but I’m soaked,” he said in a monotone voice.

  “Go take a shower hun, we are all having pie as soon as you’re done,” Mrs. McKinley said. He didn’t question or comment, just nodded and headed toward the stairs.

  Mrs. McKinley looked at us and said, “Will you take the pie out when the timer goes off?” Without waiting for our answer, she headed for the stairs and I looked at Max.

  Shrugging, he said, “They can’t stand to be apart from each other, or me, for too long.”

  “Will we ever be okay?” I asked, but instead of answering, Max just stared into my eyes. I knew we were both afraid of the answer.

  After choking down a piece of pie and a glass of milk, Max and I excused ourselves and went upstairs. The twins’ each had their own room, joined by a bathroom that they shared. Max’s room was full of guitars, a keyboard, and recording equipment, his walls covered in the vintage album covers that he collected. Garrett’s room had an oversized beanbag chair in front of his massive collection of video games and several systems to play them on. On his walls he had specially built shelves to hold all his Football and Baseball trophies. Mixed in amongst them were all the same framed dance pictures of the two of us that sat on my shelves.

  I stood in the doorway and looked for clues of some sort that would tell me Garrett would never be back. His clean laundry was stacked on the corner of his navy plaid bedspread, waiting for him to put it away. A large bag of M&M’s held closed with a blue paperclip were on his nightstand. M&M’s were Garrett’s favorite food, and he always kept a stash of them nearby. Last Valentine’s Day I had snuck over and wrote “I Love You” in red ones across his bed. If Garrett were here now he would have taken the bag of candy, plopped down on his beanbag chair, pulled me into his lap, and we would have taken turns popping them into each others’ mouths. We would have shared chocolaty kisses and…my mind stopped my thoughts. It was too disturbing to go there. This was it. The last bag of M&M’s forever
. I slowly walked into the room and reached out for them.

  “Can I have these?” I asked Max.

  “You’re hungry?”

  “No, not at all. I just want to keep them.”

  “Oh, I see. Sure, take them.” He was silent for a moment and then asked, “Do you feel him?”

  I shook my head. “No, I feel his absence. He feels completely gone.”

  “He is,” Max said quietly.

  I held the candy bag to my chest like I was cradling a kitten, and followed Max into his room. He turned on some old music. We sat down on the black futon where Max usually played his guitar, and I rested my head on his shoulder. Neither of us moved for what felt like hours, until Mrs. McKinley forced us downstairs for a lunch of one of the sympathy casseroles. I managed to take a few bites, but mostly just pushed it around my plate. No one said anything because they were all doing the same. Afterwards, I thanked them and said I would come back in the morning. I headed home, the M&M’s clutched in my hand.

  Max

  I felt uncontrollably lonely when Rainey left. We hadn’t done much all day except sit in my room and listen to music, each of us content to keep the other company. It was enough. Sharing grief didn’t make it easier, but it made it bearable. Bearable was all I could hope for. Being alone just sucked. Mom and dad clung together in a way they hadn’t before the accident. Usually in his free time, my dad would tinker in the garage or go to the gym, while mom would work in her garden or read a book. Now they sat quietly in the family room, the TV on but not being watched. Their familiar teasing and bickering had been replaced by an obscene politeness. That was of course if they even spoke at all. Their behavior weirded me out, so I stayed in my room most of the time.

  I wished Garrett could tell me how to fix them. I needed some direction. I walked back into his room and started to sit down on his bean bag chair when I stopped abruptly. Nobody had sat there since Garrett and it was still molded to the shape of his body. I closed my eyes and tried to picture him sitting there playing his video games, something he did constantly. But hard as I tried, I couldn’t see him anymore. I stood there, the heavy reality of his death saturating my soul and jumped when someone put their hand on my shoulder. Spinning around I was stunned to see that nobody was there. Yet I had felt it. I was positive. Chills went up my spine and I whispered, “Garrett?” I searched the empty room and continued, “Garrett, if you can hear me, I don’t know what we are supposed to do without you. Not Rainey or me, or mom and dad. I’m not you. It would have been so much easier if it had been me instead. But I will keep trying, I promise.”

  “Max?” A female voice called from my bedroom. I walked back through our adjoining bathroom and saw Maya standing there looking uncomfortable, her hand tugging on the ends of her long blonde hair.

  “Maya. Hey. What’s going on?”

  “Your mom told me I could just come on up. I hope that’s okay.” She approached me slowly and gave me a hesitant hug that I didn’t return.

  “Of course,” I stood there feeling awkward. At the time of Garrett’s accident, Maya and I had been seeing each other for about six weeks. We’d been getting along really well and I had been into her, but that had all changed. I hadn’t been taking her calls or replying to her texts. “Maya, I’m really sorry that I’ve been such a jerk, but I just…”

  “Max, it’s okay. Please, don’t feel bad. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “Want to sit?” I gestured to my black futon and after she was seated

  I sat down across from her on the end of my bed.

  We sat in silence for awhile before she broke it, “So, how’s Rainey?”

  “She’s not doing very well, but it hasn’t been very long.”

  “Have you seen her? I mean, I saw her sitting with your family at the funeral, but, besides that?”

  “Yeah, of course. I’ve seen her every day since it happened. She just left a little while ago.”

  I saw a flash of hurt cross her face but I ignored it. Maya and Rainey were not friends, although their paths had certainly crossed a few times while we were going out. She knew Rainey and Garrett had been together forever. Everyone knew that. Did she resent me spending time with my dead brother’s girlfriend?

  “What do you need me to do Max? Give you space? I don’t know why you’ve shut me out.” Her pretty face crumpled and I prayed she wouldn’t start to cry. I didn’t need this right now.

  “Maya, I’m really sorry but my twin just died. I can’t just go on with my life like nothing has happened. I can barely make it through the day. I just don’t know when I will be me again.”

  “I’ll wait. I’ll give you all the time you need.” She reached out and took my hand in hers, her blue eyes begging me to help her out. But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.

  “Maya, no, don’t wait. I’m not going to be able to be with you or anyone. I’m sorry.”

  “But Max,” she said, standing up, her voice rising. “Everything was going great between us. I care about you, and I thought you felt the same about me.”

  “I know, I did, but it just can’t work anymore. I can’t be in any relationship. I need to be alone right now. Maya, it has nothing at all to do with you. You are great. Really.”

  “Obviously,” she said, her voice dripping sarcasm. “You don’t want to be with me but you will hang out with Rainey,” Her eyes narrowed in anger.

  I stood too, and as she marched out the door I didn’t follow. I simply sighed in relief when I hear the front door slam.

  Chapter 4

  Rainey

  There was a note waiting for me when I got home. Mom was taking Grandma out to do some errands and would be home by five o’clock. Dad was at work and would arrive at his usual time of 5:30. I was grateful for the silence and solitude and headed to my room. Sitting at my desk, I decided to turn on my computer for the first time since the accident. I was astounded by the messages awaiting me. Love and support from friends, acquaintances, and total strangers. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn’t bring myself to go on the “ Garrett- We love you forever!” page someone had created. I logged off and opened the M&M’s, spilling some into my palm. I just stared at them until my vision blurred and I dropped them onto my desk watching them spin and scatter and come to a stop. I left them like that and put the blue paper clip back on the bag.

  I stood up slowly, feeling suddenly exhausted and wondered what to do with myself. I couldn’t come up with a thing so I lay down on my unmade bed and simply waited for the oblivion of sleep. Sleep was the only break I had from my pain and I thankfully did not have to wait long for it to rescue me.

  I woke up forty five minutes later feeling groggy and confused until the memory of Garrett flooded my mind once again. Pain seared my chest and I didn’t know where to go to escape it. What could I do? I could only sleep so long in the daytime or I would become an insomniac in the night. I stood up and stretched and headed toward my bathroom when something on my desk caught my eye and froze me in my tracks. Shouting for my parents I waited wordlessly until I realized that neither of them were home yet. I was alone. I slowly moved closer to my desk and stared at the M&M’s I had scattered across it earlier. They were still there, only now they were arranged in the shape of a perfect heart.

  I reacted on instinct, wanting to reach out and tell Max what I was seeing. I grabbed my cell phone, almost dropping it as it simultaneously vibrated alerting me that I had a new text message. Still staring at the M&M’s, my heart raced erratically and my hands shook as I looked down to read the text. Maybe it was from Max. I blinked several times and reread it over and over as my brain tried to process what was spelled out across the screen.

  I could not comprehend what I was seeing. Not the candy, not the text. I was hallucinating. I had finally cracked and now I was insane. My grief had consumed me and taken me to the brink of madness. I began to shake everywhere and leaned toward the foot of the bed, falling on the pillow top mattress
as I grew light headed and tiny grey specks clouded my vision. I closed my eyes tight and fought to breathe deep and even, struggling against the purest panic I had ever felt. In and out, in and out I breathed until I got a grip on my sanity and slowly opened my eyes. I glanced down at my cell phone again, hoping that what I saw earlier hadn’t been a sign I was going nuts. I had to have imagined it because I missed Garrett so much. But when I looked at the words and read them over nothing had changed.

  Was someone playing a joke? I tried to respond to the message asking “Who is this?” but my phone said the number was out of service. I checked the number and recognized that yes it was Garrett’s number. Could someone else have accessed his cell phone number? Even if they had, how would they know that I thought I had killed him? How would they know about the candy I had brought home today? There had to be a reasonable explanation for what was happening here. It was impossible, but it was undeniable. I had a text message and it was from Garrett.

  You are only guilty of making me fall in love with you. The accident was not your fault. Eat those M&M’s for me. I love you.

  Max

  Time has a way of passing no matter what crap you are dealing with, and every day I felt even farther from Garrett. But I was glad that the freshness of the shock was less and the acceptance of the unacceptable was more. I kept my emotions on a fairly even keel and it helped. There were only a few things that happened to rattle my composure. The first time I had felt a hand on my shoulder I chalked it up to grief and exhaustion, the second time I was just plain freaked out.

  I had been playing my guitar. Nothing unusual there, it was basically the only thing I was doing these days. I thought I heard mom or dad in Garrett’s room so I went in to check on them and saw that his Xbox was on. His favorite game was on the TV screen. His bedroom door was still closed so I went out into the hall and called my mom.