The Saddest Song

by Susie Kaye Lopez

  Mom and Caitlynn came through my doorway, each of them with their arms full of shopping bags. They smiled cheerfully and dumped the bags on the end of the bed.

  “What is all this?” I asked, as I rose to hug each of them.

  “This is your back to school wardrobe!” Mom gave me her stubborn look, daring me to argue with her. “I picked up Caitlynn and we spent the afternoon shopping. I knew you weren’t up to it and I know you are going through hell right now, but I am your mom and I can at least help you get prepared for your senior year.”

  “Rainey, check these out, you will love them!” Caitlynn pulled out at least a dozen items from a bag and began to hold up dresses, shorts, and tops. Opening another bag she showed me new tennis shoes and sandals and even a cute pair of black heels. If I had been my old happy self I would have been gushing at the array of cute clothing, but I was barely able to muster a reply now.

  Seeing their expectant, hopeful faces I did not have the heart to hurt either of them. “Thank you for helping my mom, Cait. You are so sweet, I love it all.”

  “Look at this Rainey, how cute are these dresses?” Mom held up four more dresses and I was thinking how I had never gotten this many items at once in my entire life. I guess this was the only way my mom thought she could cheer me up. Caitlynn held up two pairs of jeans and a backpack before the show was over. “I couldn’t have done any of this without Caitlynn , she was amazing. She knows everything you like and all of your sizes. If you need to return any of it just put it back in the bag and I will take it back for you.”

  “Thank you,” I said, meaning it. Mom came over and kissed me and smiled a self satisfied smile. I could tell she felt better taking charge of something. She always needed to fix people and I was pretty stubborn about being fixed.

  “Rainey, do you want to be alone or can I stay for awhile?”Caitlyn asked thoughtfully.

  “Stay. Please. I’ve missed you,” I said, trying to sound sincere. She had a skeptical look on her face but she sat down on the bed and my mom waved as she left us to talk.

  “Do you really like it all or are you just humoring your mom?”

  “No, I love it. I just feel weird wearing clothes that Garrett will never see me in. I know that sounds crazy, but he was with you and I when I bought nearly all my clothes and I don’t want to wear new things.”

  “Garrett would love all of these on you and you know it. He would not be happy to see you so sad. Live for him and be happy for him if you can’t do it for yourself.”

  “I will try, but it is so hard Cait.”

  “The way I see it is that none of us has any choice. Garrett is gone and he will be missed more than anything, but school starts in a week and we have to be there. There’s nothing wrong with looking good while you miss him. Looking sad and gaunt won’t bring him back. What it will do is make you a target for gossip and you know how you’d hate that. You need to eat and you need to act normal. Maybe if you act normal then one day you might feel normal again.”

  “Cait, you are always so practical. Max is looking scary skinny too, so we must look like a couple of freaks to other people. That is the last thing we need, having people talking about us behind our backs. I never even thought about that.”

  Caitlynn nodded thoughtfully as she watched her words sink in, and I bit my lip as I considered the steps I could take to remedy this fact.

  “I have a quesadilla downstairs, want to share it?” She smiled with a nod again, looking happy with herself for talking some sense into me. I smiled because I was happy I still had her.

  Max

  School was only two days away and I sensed Rainey’s growing anxiety as it approached. Trying to distract her and myself, I decided to see if she would like to spend the day at the beach. A large group of us had begun the summer going at least a couple of days a week, but since the accident we had stayed indoors like vampires hiding from the sun. Mom told me she would fix us a picnic and I sat at the kitchen table and watched her fill the cooler with enough food for a dozen people.

  When I pulled the truck into her driveway Rainey was already outside waiting. She was wearing a bright yellow sundress and had a huge wicker beach bag on her shoulder.

  “Hey Rainey,” I said as she climbed into the truck.

  “Hey! This was a great idea. A day at the beach sounds like fun. It’s a perfect day for it.” Her voice sounded a little too cheery, and I could tell she was trying too hard.

  “Rainey, we live in San Diego. Every day is perfect for the beach. It’s okay not to be excited about it.”

  She laughed. “Max you know me way to well. I almost cancelled ten times.”

  “I figured. But it will be a good thing. We need a change of scenery, don’t you think?”

  “And you knew I needed a distraction because…”

  “You’re stressed out about going back to school. Are you really that worried about it? The worst thing that can happen is just everyone will be talking about the worst thing that already did happen.”

  “Exactly.” She threw her head back and groaned. “ I don’t want to go!”

  “Well, in the scheme of things it seems pretty uneventful to me.”

  “I just feel like I will be so exposed. I want to hide and lick my wounds.”

  “Well, unfortunately you’re not a cat. But if it helps I will be there to deflect some of the unwanted attention.”

  “I know that. It’s just that I keep wondering what Garrett would do if I had died instead. I know he would have survived so much easier.”

  “Rainey, stop. That’s not true, and it’s not what happened.”

  “I know Max, my mind just keeps going off on tangents all its own.”

  “I hear ya. I think it’s happening to all of us.” I pulled into the parking lot and we both watched for a space. We got lucky with someone leaving and soon we were spreading our towels out on the warm sand. I grabbed the sunscreen and began to apply it to my chest while Rainey removed her dress. She was wearing the white bikini that she had worn at the beginning of the summer and I winced at the way her perfect figure had become all jutting hip bones and ribs. She had lost so much weight and she hadn’t had any to spare in the first place. I rubbed the coconut scented lotion over my own protruding ribs and thought we looked like the holocaust survivors I had seen in my history book.

  “Max, you are so obvious. We look awful. Thank goodness nobody is with us. We are going to have to go on an In and Out Diet and drink chocolate shakes and eat burgers until we get back to normal weigh before we have to go to school. Hope your mom packed something fattening for this picnic.’”

  “Don’t most girls have fantasies about eating anything they want?”

  “Not this one.” She pushed her hair off her face, straightened her sunglasses and relaxed into the sand.

  “Well, it could be a way to make our folks happy. Mom and her after school baked goods will fatten us up and put a smile on her face. Win-win.” Rainey smiled and for just a moment I felt like I’d won a prize.

  Chapter 7

  Rainey

  The first day of my senior year was as sad as I expected it to be. To survive it Max and I rode together in the black pickup truck the twins had shared. I had ridden to school with them every morning since they got it, seated happily in the middle of the cab, the twins taking turns driving. They had loved and fought over their truck, always trying to talk the other one into letting them have it for a Friday or Saturday night. Now it was all Max’s, but I knew he would give anything to have his brother back to share it with him. It was hard to pull into the familiar parking spot and climb out without having a quick kiss from Garrett before my heavy backpack was thrown effortlessly over his shoulder.

  I climbed out of the truck, carrying my new backpack, wearing my new clothes and Max gave me a tight smile. With a deep breath, we walked slowly across the parking lot and headed towards campus and the sight of our fellow students greeting each other happily. As soon as they saw us the laughter and
smiles were replaced with sad expressions of sympathy for the two of us. I felt nauseated as we made our way to our lockers.

  “Rainey!” Caitlynn shouted, and I was suddenly engulfed in a cloud of Chanel perfume and a hug that made me self conscious. I pulled away and felt all the pity stares that Cait seemed not to notice.

  “Hi Max! How are you?” She hugged him next, giving him a concerned look. She had been a little in love with Max since freshman year. We used to dream of double dates but I realized a long time before Cait did that it wasn’t going to happen. I just never wanted to be the one to tell her.

  “I’m doing alright. Are you ready for the first day?” He asked, deflecting the attention from his mental state.

  “If by ready you mean already wishing it was Friday, then, yes,” Cait replied with a smile, trying to keep the tone as light as possible.

  “Yeah, me too,” Max said, with a half smile before gesturing down the hallway. “Well I better get to class. I’ll see you guys later.”

  Before I could reply he was swallowed up by the crowd of our classmates.

  “How is he really? He looks so pale,” she said.

  “He just has a lot to deal with. He has to watch out for his parents too,” I explained curtly, as we both started to head down the hall. Gossiping about his state, even though it was with Caitlynn, just didn’t feel right.

  “I’m glad you guys have each other,” she said. But the way she said it made me wonder if she really meant it. I knew I had neglected her. I’d been crying on Max’s shoulder instead of hers and that had to have hurt her feelings.

  “Yeah, he’s as lost as I am, and that is pretty lost. It helps us to be together. It makes the pain a tiny bit more bearable,” I said softly and earnestly. I really didn’t want her to resent the time I spent with him, I wanted her to understand. To change the topic and try to stay afloat, I gestured to the coral colored sundress I was wearing.

  “I owe you another thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have had this dress to wear today.”

  Smiling now, she took in the outfit. “I knew you would look amazing in that dress! You have to let me borrow it sometime.”

  I smiled back, happy I had made her feel better. “Anytime, Cait. You have free reign of my closet as always!” We chatted for a few more moments and then parted, promising to meet up in math class. As the first warning bell sounded, I quickly headed to my first class of the day and was seated with seconds to spare when the final bell went off.

  Two classes and many offers of sympathy later, the lunch bell rang and I sighed in relief. Half a day down, and my nerves were stretched to their limit. I dug the sack lunch my mom had made for me out of my locker and headed outside to find a quiet place to sit down. Before I got down the hallway I was intercepted by Max and I smiled my first genuine smile of the day.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “Hey! So, ready to go claim a lunch spot?”

  I nodded, and we didn’t speak again until we found an empty spot on the lawn under a tree on the farthest edge of campus. Sitting down, neither of us opened our lunch but we both opened our mouths to talk at the same time. Laughing we each waited for the other to speak.

  Finally Max said, “Was it as bad as you pictured it was going to be?”

  “Truthfully? Worse.”

  ‘Yeah, for me too.”

  ‘Everyone is really sweet, but all the hugs and the sad stares of pity. I can just hear everyone thinking how happy they are that they aren’t me. Poor Rainey.” I shivered at the horror of it.

  “Me too. How long until they forget? I’d say it wouldn’t be long but I heard the football team are all wearing Garrett’s number on their arms at the first game on Friday. And get this, Ryder Henley even got a tattoo of Garrett’s name.”

  “What?” I yelled, then looked around covering my mouth. Nobody was near enough to have heard me. Lowering my voice I continued, “That’s insane. He and Garrett hated each other.”

  “Yeah, well now that he is dead, suddenly they were best friends.”

  “I can’t believe it, that jerk! Garrett would flip if he knew.”

  “Oh, he knows,” Max said looking straight into my eyes. “He knows and he is probably laughing because that idiot will be reminded of him for the rest of his life.”

  I saw the irony in his words and laughed.

  “Max, I’m so happy I have you. I wouldn’t have survived this without you to talk to.” Impulsively I put my hand on his and he linked his fingers through mine and squeezed.

  “Yeah, me too. I know Garrett is happy we are helping each other through this.” We sat like that for a few moments until a shrill female voice jolted us apart.

  “Well, it didn’t take you long to replace your boyfriend with his twin brother!”

  Looking up I cringed when I realized the voice belonged to Kelsey Carter, head cheerleader and one of the biggest gossips at our school. Kelsey and I had never gotten along and I was sure it was mainly due to her feelings for Garrett. She had tried her hardest over the years to steal him from me and failed miserably.

  “What are you talking about Kelsey? Nobody is replacing anyone,” Max snapped back at her, angry.

  “Sure doesn’t look that way to us,” she said, referring to the four members of the cheer squad staring open mouthed at Max and my joined hands. My instinct was to pull my hand away but Max held it securely. I knew he was thinking we were doing nothing wrong, and didn’t want me to give into her accusations.

  “Poor Garrett,” she whined. “Come on ladies.” She stomped off as if she had been personally offended, her fellow cheer buddies following close behind.

  “That’s just great,” Max said in frustration, finally releasing my hand to run his through his hair.

  “Do you really think anybody will listen to what Kelsey says?”

  “Rainey, I know nobody really likes her, but yeah, they’ll listen. This just adds fuel to the gossip about us.”

  “Well, as long as we know the truth that is all that matters,” I said, steeling myself for the gossip ahead. And it didn’t take long. By the time Max and I met at his truck after school we had experienced just how much damage Kelsey was capable of. Where I had received sympathy stares in the morning, by the afternoon I was met with disgusted sneers. Four people had come right out and asked me if I was involved with Max before Garrett had even died. One girl passed by me and whispered how convenient it was that Garrett was killed. I didn’t reply or defend myself. What they wanted to believe they could go ahead and believe. Besides, I could see by their actions I had already been tried and convicted.

  “Well, I think senior year is off to a great start. I hope you won’t be afraid to be seen with me at school now that we are a couple of cheaters.” I looked at him and tried for a grin but my attempt failed and I felt tears well up. I turned away, blinking rapidly to stop them from falling but one rogue tear escaped down my cheek. Max turned my face towards him and matter of factly wiped the offending tear away with his finger, and putting the truck in reverse, changed the subject.

  “Want to do homework at my house or yours?”

  “Yours. You know your mom probably made her brownies.” Today would be tough on her too, she would need us.

  “That’s a pretty safe bet. Don’t worry about all that crap. You know Kelsey will find a new victim by next week.”

  The house smelled of fudge brownies as we entered through the kitchen door. A note on the counter informed us that Mrs. McKinley was visiting at the neighbors and would return soon. I was surprised to feel actual hunger as I cut the still warm brownies. I had grown used to avoiding food and to accept the accompanying stomach pains when I did make myself eat. When Max handed me one of the two large glasses of milk I sat at the table and prepared to force myself to take a small bite. But this time after the first taste I quickly and willingly ate two, draining the milk along with them. Max watched me, eyes widening, but said nothing. He ate his also and then we went straight to homework.


  There wasn’t a lot of homework on the first day of school, but there were a few review sheets that we needed to complete. Max finished before me thanks to the thirty math problems I had to struggle through.

  “Want some help with that?” Max moved his chair closer to mine and began to figure a problem before I even had time to reply. He quickly made his way through the problems, explaining them as he went.

  “Thanks Max, I forgot how good you are at Math. I suck.”

  “Yeah, well you can help me with history, how’s that?”

  “You got it, “I said, packing my books into my new backpack.

  “I’m working on a new song. Do you want to hear it?” Max asked, casually. I nodded enthusiastically and followed him up the stairs. Pausing at Garrett’s doorway I peeked in, knowing with certainty he would not appear. I had finally gotten past the “what if it was all a dream” stage. I just looked in because it made me remember him and it was still my favorite thing to do. I never ever wanted to forget him. I was afraid that too many days without him would make the memories fade away.

  “You coming?” Max asked gently, standing in his doorway.

  “Of course.” I kept my eyes on him and followed him into his room. He picked up his guitar and sat on the corner of his bed while I sat on the couch and listened to him strum the guitar, his fingers picking out a haunting melody, slow and beautiful.

  When he finished I smiled. “Max, you are so talented. That was really, really beautiful. It sounded like the saddest song. Does it have lyrics?” I asked, curious.

  “Sad, huh? I’m not done with it yet. You know I have to get the melody done before I can write the lyrics.”

  “Well, I can’t wait to hear them.”

  “Hi Max! Hi Rainey! I see you found the brownies.” Mrs. McKinley came in and hugged each of us. We filled her in on our first day of senior year, leaving out the nasty parts. She didn’t question us and seemed to be holding up pretty well.

  “Rainey, did Garrett turn off your clock last night?” She had gotten into the habit of asking me every day. I didn’t mind, it was one of the highlights of my day.