The Saddest Song

by Susie Kaye Lopez

  My alarm clock flashed as I entered my bedroom, a shout out from Garrett. It didn’t cheer me up. It made me sadder. I had made my peace with Garrett. It was his brother I missed now.

  Max

  Ignoring Rainey’s birthday was one of the hardest things I had ever done. My mom told me her parents were buying her a car and I hoped it would be a Jetta. Rainey had always wanted one. I knew how happy she would be. I wished I could be there to see her face light up in surprise. My fingers ached to at least text her a birthday message, but I knew that would be selfish.

  The days without Rainey were duller, as if somehow all the color and warmth had been sucked out. Routine was a comfort though and I had a very set schedule. I did my school work on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. I volunteered at the shelter on Tuesday and Thursdays until school was out. I knew from Kara that Rainey came in after school a couple of days a week. Unlike me, she didn’t have a set schedule and I made sure I was long gone before she might show up.

  Saturdays were still devoted to music. The girls still hung out with Rainey on those days, she just no longer came to the house. I never asked them about her, and they never brought her up. The last two Saturdays Colin’s neighbor, Lalie would come by when the girls returned and hang out with us. I had met her briefly at their Halloween party and she was a cool girl, cute and funny. By the way she acted around me I knew she would say yes if I asked her out. I was tempted just to force myself to go on with my life, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

  I saw Rainey by accident one day in early February. I was working at the shelter and had taken a little terrier out for a walk. Unfortunately, she escaped her collar and led me on quite a chase. By the time I got to the shelter parking lot I saw Rainey’s shiny new Jetta pulling in.

  I hid behind a shrub and watched her walk over to my truck. I wondered what she was doing when she suddenly got back in her car and drove away. I was shocked at how I reacted to seeing her. My heart was pounding and I ached to follow her. Instead I took a deep breath and took the dog back inside.

  “Hey Max, did Annie escape again?” Kara asked.

  “Again?”

  “Yeah, this makes three times. She misses her life on the streets.” We laughed and then Kara gave me a look I had learned to recognize.

  “Don’t say anything Kara.”

  “I won’t Max. Do you know that you are the first person who ever asked me not to tell them what I see?”

  “Really?”

  She nodded. I won’t tell you then, but can I suggest something?”

  I waited.

  “Write the lyrics to that song.”

  “What song?” I asked, confused.

  “The Saddest Song”. Go write it.

  “Why?”

  “You don’t want me to tell you anything, remember?”

  I laughed. “How did you know about that song? Rainey?”

  Saying her name out loud felt funny. It had been awhile.

  “Nope. Nobody told me.”

  “Kara, you’re kind of creepy, you know that?”

  “Oh believe me Max, you aren’t the first to say that! See you Thursday?”

  “You bet.”

  I got into my truck and saw a piece of paper stuck in the windshield. Thinking it was an advertisement I opened the door and pulled it off. It was a piece of notebook paper and the handwriting was familiar.

  “I miss you Max.” was all it said. It was enough.

  “I miss you too, Rainey” I said to no one.

  Chapter 29

  Rainey

  I didn’t know what to do when I saw Max’s truck at the shelter. I couldn’t bear to go inside and see him not want to see me. Looking at the truck made my heart ache. Without thinking about it I grabbed a piece of notebook paper and wrote on it then tucked it in his windshield. I quickly got back in my car and headed to Starbucks to get Ice Teas for Kara and I. When I returned to the shelter he was gone and I pulled my car into his empty space.

  Kara opened the door for me and I handed her the tea. “Green tea, extra ice, no sweetener.” I said, repeating her usual order.

  “I love you,” she said, taking it from me.

  “Kara, I almost ran into him.”

  “I know, Annie escaped again.”

  “I figured there had to be a reason. He makes sure to avoid me everywhere.”

  She gave me a sympathetic smile.

  “Kara, it’s not fair that just because Max asked you to you won’t tell me what you see in my future.”

  “He made me promise, Rainey. I’m sorry. I can tell you that he misses you just as much as you miss him. That boy loves you.”

  “This is a huge mess.”

  “Well. I think it’s time you asked yourself the big questions Rainey. Be honest with yourself.”

  “What big questions?”

  “Rainey, if the world was going to end tomorrow, what would you do?”

  “Find Max as fast as I could.”

  “What would you say?”

  “I would tell him how much I miss him, and how sorry I am.”

  “What else?”

  “Kara, this is dumb. The world isn’t ending tomorrow.”

  “Pretend Rainey. Nothing can change until you are comfortable with your own feelings.”

  “Okay, I’d tell him that I love him.”

  “Like a brother?”

  “No.”

  “Well, that is progress.” Kara smiled, “Max knows you needed to be away from him to really learn how you felt about him. You needed to lose him to see it clearly.”

  “He said that?”

  “No. he said nothing. You are on the right track Rainey. Now I’m not saying another thing. Want to give our friend Annie a bath?”

  I felt lighter as I headed to get Annie’s bath ready. I just wondered, without the world ending, how would I get my chance to talk to Max?

  Max

  After dinner I helped mom with the dishes and then went upstairs to work on my music. Colin had told me to choose four of my best songs to play at a show in March. He was opening for a singer songwriter and I would play a quick set in front of him. Up to this point I hadn’t played for anyone outside of friends and family. I knew Colin felt I was ready to be up on stage and I agreed. I had dozens of completed songs and of those, there were at least twenty that I felt could work for the show. I spent an hour going through them but my mind kept replaying my conversation with Kara.

  She wanted me to finish The Saddest Song, but why? I began to strum my guitar and the music took me over. Soon I was singing the chorus and before I knew it hours had passed and the song was written. The words had flowed out of me, emotions I had been avoiding making me write lyrics that were simple and honest.

  I laid my guitar down and let my mind wander to where it always wanted to go. Visions of long dark hair and big dark eyes made my body ache for her presence. My cell phone sitting silent on my nightstand was calling to me. Could I text her, go back to being her friend? Two months ago it seemed like torture to stay in the friend zone. Tonight it felt like it would be better than nothing. Because I had nothing. Nothing except a sad song.

  Chapter 30

  Rainey

  One day in early March my mom met me in the garage. She waited while I turned off my car waving two large envelopes. She was smiling from ear to ear.

  “Mom, what’s going on?” I grabbed my backpack and slammed the car door.

  “You got two big envelopes!” Everyone knows rejections come in small ones.

  “Which ones?”

  “UCLA and UC Santa Barbara!”

  “Wow, that’s great! Let’s open them.” I tried to how excitement. I didn’t tell her that I could have checked online already to see if I had gotten in. Kids at school had been announcing acceptances all week.

  We stood at the kitchen island and read the good news. We called my dad and grandma to tell them too. Then she gave me a small envelope from UC Berkley. She looked relieved when I didn’t get upset.
<
br />   “Have you talked to Mrs. McKinley mom?”

  She shook her head and said, “I am sure she will let me know where he got in.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Honey, hasn’t this gone on long enough? I can see how much you miss Max. What could be so bad that you can’t get past it and make up?”

  “Mom, not now, okay?”

  “Fine, but avoiding the subject won’t make it go away.”

  “I know,” I said to pacify her and grabbing a water bottle from the fridge I went to my room. I sat down at my computer and checked my college applications seeing that more large envelopes would be on their way. I decided to keep the news to myself and let mom enjoy getting the mail. I just wished I knew where Max was getting in. But it didn’t really matter. We could go to the same school and still be a world apart.

  Max

  Saturday at Colin’s I finished playing my new song for him and Ethan and waited for their reaction. I knew that the song was good. I had hoped they would think so too, but silence stretched out so long I had to break it.

  “What? You hate it?”

  “Wow,” Ethan said.

  “Unbelievable. We need to record it Max. Now.” Colin started to get his recording equipment ready.

  “Record it? So, you like it?”

  “Ma, that song is perfect. The music. the lyrics. The emotion in your voice.”

  “It’s the best song that you’ve ever written,” Ethan said. “And you know I like all your stuff.”

  “Thanks. I’m really happy with it. Any ideas or changes?”

  “No, said Colin. “That’s why we are going to get it recorded now before you think too much and change it.”

  The rest of the day was dedicated to getting a perfect track. We listened to it over and over and the three of us were happy with the final result.

  Before I left, Ethan asked, “Max, are you going to let Rainey hear it.”

  “No.”

  “You wrote it about her.”

  “I guess it’s pretty obvious, huh?”

  “Only to those of us who know you both. You have to sing it at the concert.”

  “I probably will.”

  “You have to Max. Everyone is going to love it. You’ll see.”

  I drove home wondering how I would sing those words to a crowd of strangers and not feel completely exposed. I wondered if it made any sense to sing the words to everyone but the one person they were meant for.

  Chapter 31

  Rainey

  Saturdays’ were not the same since Max and I had parted ways. Instead of meeting Sophie and Rylee at Colin’s house, I now met them at whatever mall or activity we had planned. Sometimes Caitlynn joined us, sometimes Kara did too. Mostly it was just the three of us and I cherished our time together. They had both become dear friends.

  On this particular Saturday rain was in the forecast so we opted for an indoor mall. Rylee was looking for sandals and by lunchtime she had tried on dozens of pairs and rejected each and every one.

  “Rainey, we need to tell you something,” Sophie said, as we read our menus.

  I was trying to decide between a burger and a salad when my heart lurched at her words. “What?” I asked quietly, waiting to hear that Max had a girlfriend or something equally horrible. From her tone I knew it could only be about Max.

  “Next weekend Max is going to open for Colin at a concert.”

  “Oh! That’s wonderful! You scared me,” I said laughing, “I thought it was something bad.”

  “No, not at all. It’s good news, it’s just that there is this song that he will be singing. It’s called, “The Saddest Song.”

  “He finally wrote the words? Is it about Garrett?” I had always wanted him to finish it.

  “We haven’t heard it yet, “Ry said, but it definitely isn’t about Garrett. They said it’s about you.”

  “Me?”

  They nodded at the same time.

  “Colin says that Max put so much emotion into that song because he is miserable without you,” Sophie said, reaching across the table to put her hand on mine.

  “Don’t you miss him too?” Rylee added.

  “Every moment of every day,” I said, without hesitation.

  “Then why are you two torturing yourselves like this?”

  I had no answer.

  “Rainey, you have to go to the concert and hear his song.”

  “Oh, I can’t Sophie. I would probably make him uncomfortable.”

  “Nope. He won’t even know you are there, “ Rylee grinned.

  “What do you mean?”

  “After he gets on the stage we are going to sneak you in backstage.”

  They looked at each other and seemed happy with their plan.

  “No. No way.”

  “It was actually Ethan that thought of it. He thinks you really need to hear it.”

  “No. I can’t. You guys don’t understand.”

  Sophie sighed as if she expected to have to talk me into it. “You are over thinking things, Rainey. Max obviously loves you and we know you love him. We aren’t blind.”

  “He’s my boyfriend’s brother. It’s so messed up.”

  “Rainey, be honest with yourself. Garrett has been gone a long time. You are allowed to love another person.”

  “I do love him, but..”

  “Not like a brother!” Rylee interrupted. “Don’t you dare say that! Nobody kisses their brother the way you kissed Max on New Year ’s Eve.”

  I felt my cheeks heat in embarrassment and covered my face with my hands. I groaned, “This is a mess!”

  “No, it’s stupid. I’m sorry Rainey, but you need to let your heart make its own decisions. You and Max are perfect together. Quit fighting fate. You can’t win. You’re just stomping on your own happiness.”

  “And Max’s!” Rylee added. “You are both completely miserable apart.”

  “Please Rainey, please just go listen to him sing and if you want to leave afterwards he won’t even know you were ever there.”

  “Okay, “I said, giving in. They both looked pretty pleased with themselves and I hoped that I was making the right decision.

  A few days later I had decided that I just couldn’t go. If Max wanted me to be there then he would have invited me. I hated to disappoint the girls but it couldn’t be helped. I didn’t mention it when I went into the shelter on Wednesday after school and it wasn’t until I was about to leave that Kara spoke up.

  “You aren’t going to Max’s show, are you?” She didn’t even look my way as she said it, just kept measuring out dog food into a row of lined up bowls.

  “I haven’t decided yet,” I said, sighing. It was no use trying to put anything past Kara.

  “They just think you should hear the song he wrote about you.”

  “Max writes a lot of songs, his lyrics could be about anything. They could be about a fictional relationship.”

  “They aren’t,” she said, stopping to look me in the eyes.

  “Damn it, Kara. So he wrote a song about me, so what? It doesn’t mean anything is going to change, it doesn’t mean we will suddenly fall into each other’s arms.”

  “Do you want that to happen?”

  No sense lying to a psychic, I just gave in and said, “More than anything.”

  “This is going to decide your future with Max. Promise me you will go.”

  I started to ask her questions that I hoped she would answer but she cut me off.

  “I promised Max I wouldn’t tell either of you anything about the future, but this is the advice I would give you as a friend. You need to go.”

  I would go.

  Max

  As natural as it was to me playing the guitar and singing my songs, I expected to be a bundle of nerves at my first public show. I wasn’t. I was the opposite of nervous, completely calm. I was going to go out there and give it all I had and hope that the audience would like what they heard. Ethan and Colin convinced me to save my best song for last and so The
Saddest Song would end my set.

  Maybe my lack of nerves was because I was playing to an audience of strangers. I hadn’t invited any of my friends, or my parents for that matter. I wanted to be focused on my music not who was listening to it. Of course, part of my wished Rainey would be there sitting in the front row.

  I arrived at the club and met Max and Colin backstage. The girls were there and we hung out while the main doors opened and the crowd could be heard talking while they waited for the show to begin. A few friends of Colin’s joined us backstage, including Lalie. She was dressed in a short tight dress and when she hugged me she held on a little longer than I was comfortable with. She was hanging around us every weekend now and even though she was a couple years older than I was she made it clear she was interested.

  “Max, I love this!” She said, running her hands along my jaw. I hadn’t shaved in awhile and the scruff was on its way to becoming a beard. I liked it, I felt like it made me look older than eighteen. I thought my music would be taken more seriously if I looked older.

  Colin came to my rescue, literally taking Lalie’s shoulders and moving her aside.

  “Sorry Lalie-Pop, gotta get him ready for the stage.”

  He pulled me away from everyone.

  “You got this, you know that, right?”

  I nodded, “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “No first time jitters?”

  “Nope.”

  “You’re a natural, Max. They’re gonna love you. Go get ‘em!” he said, slapping me on the back and I went through the stage door, not looking back.

  Chapter 32

  Rainey

  It was time. I had dressed in black jeans, boots, and a white blouse bought just for the occasion. I didn’t want to overdress. My hair was straightened and hung down to my waist, my makeup was light but I made sure to buy waterproof mascara. No matter what happened tonight, whichever way it went, I knew there would be tears.

  I parked two blocks from the venue and nervously waited for the text. It came within minutes and I rushed down the sidewalk. Rylee was hanging out the door waving for me to hurry so I ran the last half block.