by Marie Landry
When I tried to sneak a glance at the clock, Vince saw me and said they wouldn’t keep us any longer because they didn’t want us to be late. Nicholas and I donned our coats, and Daisy, Vince, and Maggie followed us out to my car. As Vince put our bags in the trunk, Maggie ran to her car and came back carrying a round tin with autumn leaves and pumpkins painted on it. “Mama sent some of your favourite goodies from the bakery,” she said, handing the tin to Nicholas. “Baked fresh this morning. I know you might not have much of an appetite, but…” She trailed off and shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. We were all aware of the possible side effects from the chemo, including a loss of appetite.
“Thank her for me,” Nicholas said. “Mama knows I’ll be hungry for her goodies no matter what.” His smile was genuine even if it wasn’t his usual mega-watt one, and he put his free arm around Maggie, pulling her close again and pressing a kiss to her cheek. He did the same with Daisy, holding her a little longer and whispering words I couldn’t hear, but that had Daisy’s eyes filling with tears.
He stopped in front of Vince and put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You take care of our girls,” he said, looking over his shoulder at the three of us as we huddled together. “And take care of yourself.” He threw his arm around Vince and pulled him close, thumping him lightly on the back as Vince put both arms around Nicholas and hugged him tightly. When they pulled apart, I could see both guys clenching their jaws. Vince kneeled on the driveway under the pretense of tying his shoe, but I saw him wiping at his eyes when he thought no one was looking.
“Well,” Nicholas said, turning to me and holding out his hand. “Time to go.” He led me around to the driver’s side of the car and opened my door, kissing me lightly on the nose as I paused in front of him before getting in. He closed the door and walked around to his side, waving to the others before getting in and buckling his seatbelt.
I started the car and sat there looking out at our friends—our family—as they moved together to stand in a line, their arms around each other’s waists. I took a mental snapshot of the three of them standing there, and tried to pretend they were wishing us bon voyage as if we were heading off on an adventure instead of going to the hospital for Nicholas’s cancer treatments.
My throat tightened with the threat of tears, and I raised my hand in a wave before turning to back down the driveway. I couldn’t look at them again, couldn’t stand to see the forced smiles that were attempts at hiding worry and fear. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Nicholas waving at them, and he continued to do so until the house was no longer in sight.
He sighed heavily and slumped back against the seat, closing his eyes. Reaching out, he rested his hand on my leg, giving it a squeeze. When I looked over at him, his eyes were still closed but his face looked more relaxed than it had a moment before.
When we were on the highway, I turned the radio on low to dispel the silence in the car. I smiled when I realized the song ‘All I Want is You’ by U2 was just starting. Since coming to Riverview, I had listened to the band on a daily basis because Daisy was always playing their music in her creative room, in the kitchen while cooking, or in the car. She, Nicholas, and I had come to think of their songs as the soundtrack of our lives because they were often playing during important moments.
This felt like one of those important moments—a beginning and an end. The start of Nicholas’s treatments, and the end of life as we knew it, at least for a while.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Nicholas, eyes still closed, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He began to hum along to the song, and when I glanced over at him, his head was turned on the headrest and he was watching me, his eyes brighter than they had been when we left home.
He began to sing softly along with the chorus, and I held my breath, fighting back tears. “All the promises we make from the cradle to the grave, when all I want is you.” I was afraid that if I took my eyes off the road to look at him I’d start crying and never be able to stop.
I could feel his eyes on me as he continued to hum along to the song, his warm hand still resting on my leg, connecting us. I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was still holding and covered Nicholas’s hand with mine, squeezing his fingers tightly. He squeezed mine in return, then settled back in his seat, closing his eyes once more.
It felt like no time at all before we arrived at Maltonville Hospital. I was sure the hour-long drive would drag, but most of it was a blur of cars on the highway. I parked beside a familiar-looking truck, and the minute I turned off the engine the truck door swung open and Sam got out.
“Dad!” Nicholas cried, fumbling with his seatbelt and opening the door. “What are you doing here? I thought you were still in British Columbia!”
Sam enfolded Nicholas in an enormous hug, burying his face in Nicholas’s neck. I felt the threat of tears again as I slowly climbed from the car and walked around to join them.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t get home sooner,” Sam said, releasing Nicholas but then cupping his face in his hands and looking him over slowly. “I was so worried about you that I was completely useless on the job. They told me to come home and I didn’t think twice, I just booked the next flight out.”
He finally saw me standing there, and grabbed me, pulling me in for a bone-crushing hug. “I got in about two hours ago,” he explained, his words slightly muffled by my hair. “I called Daisy from the road and she said you guys had left for the hospital so I drove right here from the airport.” He stepped back and cupped my face the way he had with Nicholas. “It’s so good to see you both. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you.”
“You’d think he’d been gone a month,” Nicholas said lightly, and I knew he was trying to relieve Sam of some of the guilt he was feeling. The small smile on his face vanished and he said, “Dad, you know I understand about work. You wouldn’t have gone if you didn’t absolutely have to.”
Sam shook his head vigorously, his eyes glistening with tears. “Or if I hadn’t known I was leaving you in capable hands.” He put his arm around me and pulled me to his side, then grabbed Nicholas with his free hand and the three of us stood in the parking lot joined together in a group hug.
Just when I didn’t think I could take it any longer without breaking down in sobs, Nicholas broke away. “I’m glad you’re back,” he told Sam, his voice rough. “Today of all days when I…we—” he glanced at me, “can use all the support possible.”
I opened the trunk and Sam insisted on carrying both bags. The three of us went inside and rode the elevator to the sixth floor, where Roy was waiting for us. What I saw of the sixth floor as Roy led us to Nicholas’s room was much nicer than anything I could have imagined.
For the past week I had been picturing a stark, cold, sterile environment with an antiseptic smell and no homey touches. What I actually saw was walls painted a warm seafoam green, adorned with beautiful paintings of landscapes and old-fashioned country homes.
We turned down the corridor where Roy said Nicholas’s room was, and I noticed what appeared to be a lounge at the end of the hall with comfortable-looking armchairs, a television, and shelves full of books and board games. I caught Nicholas’s eye and smiled, and he grinned back.
Roy opened the door to room 623 and stepped back to allow Nicholas, Sam, and me to enter first. My first thought was that the room reminded me more of a hotel than a hospital. The room—a private one, thanks to Nicholas’s insurance—was surprisingly spacious. There was a single hospital-issue bed in the centre of the floor, covered in a dark green comforter that matched the curtains on the large window. Roy had explained to us at Nicholas’s last appointment that the beds in the cancer ward were more comfortable than regular hospital cots because most patients on that floor were there for extended periods of time.
There were nightstands on either side of the bed, a matching dresser across the room, and two armchairs that looked like the ones I’d seen in the sitting area down the hall.
Sunlight spilled into the room, illuminating the pale green walls, and spotlighting the single painting across from the bed—a scene with dark purple and blue mountains reflected in a lake, and a huge, glowing full moon with hundreds of tiny stars surrounding it.
“This is really nice,” Nicholas said, taking his bag from Sam and setting it on the bed. I watched him look around the room, taking it all in, and I wondered what he was really thinking.
Roy left, informing us that he would be back when Nicholas was settled in and would explain things to us then. I helped Nicholas unpack his suitcase, then set my own bag on the bed and emptied its contents.
“What’s all this?” Nicholas asked, eyeing the items on the bed with a small smile.
“Just a few things from home to make the place feel more like…well, home,” I said, moving closer to him. “I brought some framed family photos.” I pointed to the pictures in matching silver frames—Nicholas as a little boy with his mother and Sam; him as a teenager with Vince and Maggie; a group shot taken a month before of the two of us with Sam, Daisy, Vince, and Maggie; and finally a picture of just Nicholas and me on a sunny day sitting under the oak tree in the park.
I took the pictures and arranged them on the nightstands, two on each side. I had also brought a few of his favourite novels, a couple of crossword books, and a small snow globe with two embracing angels inside that had belonged to Nicholas’s mother and that he kept by his bed at home.
“Emma.” His voice was soft and full of so much love it made my heart ache. “Thank you.” He turned to me and pulled me into his arms, and we stood there embracing until we heard a scraping sound behind us.
“Sorry,” Sam said, looking sheepish. He was sitting in one of the chairs by the window, his eyes tired and his face pale. “Meant to just sit down but ended up collapsing in the chair instead.”
“Dad, why don’t you go home? You look exhausted, you need to get some rest,” Nicholas said, his eyes full of concern.
Sam shook his head. “No, no, I’m fine,” he said. He stifled a yawn with the back of his hand and smiled ruefully. “Well…”
“Go home and sleep,” I insisted. “I’m going to be here the rest of the day, and I’ll call you later, I promise.”
It took a bit more coaxing, but Nicholas and I finally convinced Sam to go home. We made him swear to drive carefully since he was so tired, and then we all exchanged more hugs and kisses before he left.
A nurse came into the room a few minutes later; she told Nicholas to change into his comfortable lounging clothes and get into bed so she could set him up with an intravenous for fluids. Roy had informed us the week before that long-term patients weren’t expected to wear hospital gowns except during occasional medical tests, so Nicholas and I had gone shopping for new pajamas, sweatshirts, and sweatpants for him to wear around the hospital.
The nurse led me out, and a minute later Roy came back down the hall and stepped into Nicholas’s room. When he returned, he stopped in the hallway and put his hand on my shoulder. “You doing okay?”
“Me?” I asked, surprised. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Good. Listen, I know how much it’s going to mean to Nicholas to have you here with him,” Roy said in a hushed voice. “Now, the rules on this floor are pretty strict because of recent viruses being brought in by visitors. I’ve already warned the doctors and nurses that there are to be special allowances made for you.
“In exchange for these special allowances,” he continued, his gaze unwavering, “I’m going to have to check you out regularly to make sure you’re healthy and not carrying any hidden bugs or viruses in your system. We wouldn’t want to jeopardize Nicholas’s recovery or anybody else’s for that matter.”
“Right, of course,” I said, nodding and trying to take in everything Roy was telling me. “How is that going to work?”
“For starters, I’d suggest taking some vitamins if you’re not already, just to keep your immune system strong. I can recommend some for you.” He took his prescription pad out of his shirt pocket and scribbled a note on it. “They’re not prescription, but the drugstore downstairs will have these. As for the check-ups, they’re routine and won’t take more than a few minutes. If I’m around I’ll do them myself, and if not, one of the nurses will check you out.”
I nodded again, my mind whirling.
“You have clearance to be with Nicholas night and day if you want,” Roy continued, looking at me sympathetically as if he understood this was all very overwhelming, but that I needed to be informed. “I don’t suggest that at first, but as time goes on and Nicholas gets restless from being cooped up in the hospital, you might think about spending a few nights with him. The weekends away from here will break the time up nicely, but if his condition worsens, we’ll have to keep him here even on the weekends. We’re hoping, of course, that it won’t come to that, but it’s a possibility you both need to be aware of.”
I let out a long breath. “Does Nicholas know all this?”
“Yes, we just discussed it. He seems to be dealing really well.”
“He’s amazing,” I said, feeling my face split into a proud smile. I looked through the window in the door at Nicholas, who gave me a cheeky little grin followed by a finger wave, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the brief return of the old Nicholas.
Knowing that I could be here as much and as often as I wanted was a huge relief, and I could feel my tense muscles relaxing ever so slightly. Not knowing what to say but wanting to express my gratitude for Roy’s support and kindness, I hugged him quickly and whispered, “Thank you.”
CHAPTER 14
Nicholas’s first chemotherapy treatment was scheduled for late the next morning. After spending all day Monday with him, Nicholas insisted I go home for dinner and to spend some time with Daisy. I really didn’t want to leave, but knew I would have to eventually, so I left, promising to be back early the next morning.
The treatments took place in a room at the opposite end of the sixth floor from Nicholas’s room. I went with him and sat in an armchair beside Nicholas’s recliner, holding his hand while the nurse inserted the intravenous needle into his other arm. I didn’t want to watch, but I couldn’t seem to help myself; the nurse, Natalie, a sweet young woman in her late twenties, smiled reassuringly at me as she taped the IV tube in place.
“The treatment will run for a little over an hour,” Natalie explained. “I’ll check back frequently, but if you need me in the meantime the call bell is right beside your chair. If you need anything at all, just ring.”
We thanked her, and she went to check on the other patient taking treatments in the room, an older woman whose head was covered with a multi-coloured scarf. The woman caught me looking at her and smiled, giving me a little wave before looking back at Natalie.
Nicholas held my hand the entire hour and we talked about what we wanted to do that weekend. We knew we couldn’t do much because Nicholas wasn’t supposed to be exposed to many people, but it was nice to know he would be able to go home, even for just two days.
When we returned to Nicholas’s room, he said he felt like taking a nap. I used a phone at the nurse’s station to call home and fill Daisy in on Nicholas’s first dose of chemo, then returned to the room and pulled one of the chairs close to his bed. The natural light in the room was bright enough to read by, so I picked up one of the books I brought the day before, but didn’t get much further than the first page.
With the book open in my lap, I sat and watched Nicholas sleep. He looked so relaxed and peaceful, his lips parted slightly, and a lock of hair falling over his forehead. I wanted to brush his hair back, touch the silky soft waves, but I was afraid of waking him. I don’t know how long I sat just watching him, but at some point my eyelids grew heavy and fell shut. When I awoke Nicholas was still asleep, and the room was bathed in a beautiful, almost eerie red light from the setting sun.
I stood and walked to the window, stretching as I looked out over the back of t
he hospital. There were tree-lined paths with benches scattered around, and a large pond in the distance where a group of Canadian geese congregated, likely readying themselves to fly south for the winter.
At the sound of the sheets rustling quietly behind me, I turned and saw that Nicholas was waking up. “Hey,” he said, his voice thick with sleep. “How long was I out?”
I glanced at the clock by the door as I crossed the room to stand beside the bed. “About four hours, I guess,” I said, taking his hand and bending to kiss his cheek.
“Four hours?” Nicholas exclaimed. “You must have been bored silly.”
I chuckled at his reaction. “I wasn’t,” I assured him. “I actually fell asleep for a bit, too.”
“You should have climbed into bed with me,” Nicholas said, tugging my hand.
“I didn’t want to wake you. You need your rest.”
He waved a hand dismissively, his eyes dancing. “Well, it’s not too late.” He pulled me down onto the bed and I swung my legs up so I was lying facing him. “That’s better.” He sighed and pulled me closer, nuzzling my neck. His eyes were still heavy, and I was expecting him to drift off again when I heard a noise at the door and peered over his shoulder to see Natalie and another nurse standing in the doorway.
They must have thought we were asleep because I could hear them whispering to each other. “They’re so young to be going through this,” the second nurse said to Natalie.
“I know.” Natalie shook her head. Twilight was falling quickly, so I couldn’t see her face in the semi-darkness, but I heard her sigh. “Aren’t they sweet though? What I wouldn’t give for a love like that.”
I looked at Nicholas and saw that he was watching me, a slow smile spreading over his face and lighting his eyes. He touched his nose to mine before kissing me gently on the lips. “How do you feel about being young and sweet?” he whispered.