Totally Joe

by James Howe

  X is for

  XYLOPHONE

  Top Ten Things You Need to Know About the Xylophone

  1. Toy xylophones aren’t really xylophones. Xylo comes from the Greek word xylon, which refers to wood. Real xylophones have wood bars. Toy xylophones have metal bars, so they should be called “metalophones”. Does that mean that if the bars were made out of Scotch tape, the instrument would be called a “cell-o-phone”?

  2. How many people does it take to play a xylophone? Some large xylophones require two to three performers using up to six mallets to strike the bars. Toy xylophones require one child to strike the bars, a second child to yank the mallet away, and a parent to yell, “Don’t make me come in there!” from the other room.

  3. The xylophone is brighter in tone than its cousin the marimba. (Hey, I have a lot in common with the xylophone—I’m brighter in tone than my cousin Miranda!)

  4. The xylophone is featured in a number of classical pieces, including Symphony No. 6 by Gustav Mahler, Carnival of the Animals by Camille Saint-Saëns, and Hello, Is Anybody Home? by I. M. Yourdoorbell.

  5. Even though the word “xylophone” starts with an x you do not make the x-sound when you say it. You make the z-sound. That is because if you made the x-sound, you might end up spitting on somebody. Which explains why so few words start with x.

  6. Xylophones are usually placed on stands with wheels so they can be moved around easily. If that’s the case, shouldn’t xylophone players be placed on roller skates?

  7. Mallets are also called “beaters.” For a bright and sharp sound, use a hard beater. For a gentle sound, use a soft beater. For an omelet, use an eggbeater.

  8. It is said that if you dream of seeing a xylophone, it means you will achieve your greatest ambition. On the other hand, if you dream of being a xylophone, it means it’s time to call your therapist.

  9. There are different kinds of xylophones played in different parts of the world. Some of their names are the marimba, the balafon, and the da’uli da’uli. Some of the names of xylophone players are Fred, Harry, and Mildred.

  10. Cher, Julia, and Keanu do not play the xylophone.

  LIFE LESSON: As x-words go, you can’t beat “xylophone.” (Except with a mallet.)

  Y is for

  YESTERDAY

  YESTERDAY WAS FRIDAY. IT STARTED OUT LIKE any ordinary day, but then the most amazing things happened. You will not believe what I found out! Are you sitting down? Kevin Hennessey is not coming back to school! Neither is his brother, Cole! Everybody was talking about it. The story is that his parents were so disgusted with Mr. Kiley and the school board (and probably didn’t want to have to own up to the fact that their sons are total bullies, like their father) that they’re taking Kevin and Cole out of public school and sticking them in St. Andrew’s! Poor kids at St. Andrew’s, is all I can say.

  Jimmy Lemon walked around all day looking like he was sucking on his last name. I almost felt sorry for him. I mean, he did lose his best friend. But hey, maybe now he stands a chance of turning into a decent human being.

  Even with Kevin going to St. Andrew’s, I still worry about him beating me up. We may no longer go to the same school, but we live in the same town, and Paintbrush Falls is not very big. But who knows, maybe at that parochial school they’ll teach him to be a real Christian and stop being a bully. They believe in miracles, right? It could happen.

  I was afraid the story might all turn out to be a rumor, but my dad said it was true. He told me that Mr. Kiley and the school board (all except one member, whose name he wouldn’t tell me, no matter how much I begged) stood up to Mrs. Hennessey and her—what was that word Addie’s mom used? oh, right—cabal, and that was the end of it. He did say this one board member (He or She Who Shall Not Be Named) was making noises about starting trouble in the fall and fighting the GSA, so guess what. My dad is going to run for school board! He said Mr. Kiley needs all the support he can get to keep doing the right thing.

  You want to know why else yesterday was such a good day? Because Colin asked if he could come over and we could watch a movie together. I told him I already had plans to go with the Gang of Five and some other friends to see that new Keanu Reeves movie, and did he want to come, too. So we all went, and right in the middle of the movie Colin whispered to me that Keanu was his favorite movie star. I whispered back that Keith Hernandez was my favorite baseball player. Colin was all, like, really? and did you see the game where he blah blah blah, and I had to own up to the fact that I’d heard Jeff talking to a friend about him, and I had no idea who Keith Hernandez was, I just liked his name. Colin cracked up, which got me laughing, too, and Skeezie hit me on the back of my head with his box of malted milk balls and told me to zip it.

  So now you know that Skeezie was sitting behind me, but guess who was sitting next to me? Zachary! Colin was on one side of me and Zachary was on the other. For some reason, this kind of freaked me out, but I don’t know why.

  After the movie, we all went to the Candy Kitchen for ice cream. We were having the best time until Addie and DuShawn got into a fight over how the girl in the movie had to act all dumb so Keanu could look cool and manly. DuShawn got so frustrated with Addie that he just left, and Addie cried. Actually cried. I’ve never seen Addie cry in my whole life, and it made me feel terrible. But she said she and DuShawn fight sometimes, and they always make up. She said the problem is that they look at things differently, and they both have really strong opinions. (Duh. Really?) Then she said, “At least making up is fun.” That put the picture of them kissing in my head, and all I could think to say was, “Gross,” which just shows I still have some growing up to do.

  While we were walking home, I asked Bobby (privately) if he and Kelsey ever fought, and he shook his head like he didn’t even know what I was talking about. Those two are so funny. After, like, six months of going out, they still blush around each other all the time, as if they’re embarrassed just to be breathing the same air. I’m going to nominate them as “Cutest Couple” for the yearbook, even though, hello, it’s always Sara and Justin. But who knows? So much is changing this year, maybe Sara and Justin will just have to settle for runners-up.

  Even with the fight, it was the best evening, just being with a big group of friends. When I got home, Addie IM-ed me and told me she and DuShawn had already made up (on the phone, which wasn’t as much fun, she said), and could I come over to her house tomorrow (which is now today) to talk about the GSA. I wrote back and told her that Zachary was coming over to hang out at my house, and she wrote back and said, “Bring him,” and I said I didn’t think he was quite ready for GSA-talk.

  “Besides,” I wrote Addie, “it’s the weekend! Give it a rest!”

  Honestly, Addie is so intense I don’t know how she doesn’t need all weekend just to sleep and get over herself.

  Right after I finished IM-ing with Addie, Aunt Pam IM-ed me. She said she was missing me and couldn’t wait for me to come visit her in New York City. She doesn’t think Ani is going to perform there until the fall, so I have got to visit before that. She told me she’d talk to Mom and Dad about my coming down this summer—for a whole week! She’s going to show me everything and take me everywhere. She’s even got some gay friends she wants me to meet. People like me! That will be so awesome!

  Then she asked me what color my hair is these days. I felt kind of bad telling her the truth, but I did. I said it was brown. I’ve stopped streaking it, and I don’t paint my pinky fingernail anymore either, because, I don’t know, all of that was kind of a special Aunt-Pam-and-me thing. Oh. My. God. Maybe I am toning down my act! (Not really. I still have a closet full of Hawaiian shirts and you should see the hi-tops I’m getting: bright green with hot pink piping!)

  Oh, I almost forgot: Yesterday, Heather O’Malley said she thought my op-ed piece about the GSA was perfect and that Skeezie’s and my humor column about where people sit in the cafeteria was a riot! Mr. Daly told me he’d read them, too (he’s the advisor for the Easel) a
nd he thinks I’ve come a long way as a writer. He said I show real promise!

  So yesterday was a great day. I don’t know if it was the best day of my life, but it was definitely in the Top Ten!

  LIFE LESSON: A day can start out ordinary and end up being in the Top Ten.

  Z is for

  ZACHARY (OF COURSE)

  ZACHARY CAME OVER TODAY AND I TOLD HIM I LIKED HIS DIMPLES.

  Just like that.

  I said, “I like your dimples.”

  He giggled and went, “Oh, my goodness.”

  I was all set to say something about how maybe he shouldn’t say that at school so much, and maybe he shouldn’t wave his hands around when he talks (so Aunt Priscilla!), and maybe he shouldn’t keep his pinky finger in the air when he reaches for a pat of butter, but then I thought, Who am I to talk? Puh-leeze. Besides, Zachary is, like, the happiest person I ever met. Why mess with success?

  So instead I said, “Will you teach me to do a headstand?”

  Because he’s a gymnast, remember?

  And I’m a total klutz.

  And he said, “Really? Sure!”

  It took, like, for-ev-er, but I finally managed to do one. I kind of missed having his hands around my ankles after he took them away, but the feeling of being upside down and staying there, all by myself, was AMAZING!!!

  Both of us cheered when I finally fell over, and then we got punchy because of the zillion times I’d fallen over before that (Zachary called me Mr. Wobbles) and then we couldn’t stop laughing.

  Mom heard us, and she got laughing, too. When she asked Zachary if he would like to stay for dinner, all he could do was nod because he was laughing so hard.

  After dinner, we hung out in my room and talked. Who knew we’d find so much to talk about? And let me tell you, once he gets going, Zachary can talk! You’ve probably figured out by now that he also likes to laugh. His laugh is kind of goofy, and the sound of it is really contagious.

  He told me how much he likes my new hi-tops and the way they kind of match my room. And then he told me how much he likes my room and how everything in it is so me. At one point, he picked up this notebook with my name on it, except the name was JoDan.

  “What’s up with that?” he asked.

  I explained about how I used to give myself other names all the time.

  He smiled his dimple-y smile and said, “Why? You’re totally Joe.”

  “Meaning?”

  “You’re yourself,” Zachary said with a shrug. “Totally.”

  I thought about how Colin had told me that same thing, but there was a difference with Zachary. “You’re yourself, too,” I said.

  Zachary said, “So we’re both totally Joe.” Even though that made a weird kind of sense, it got us laughing, and before you know it we were laughing hysterically. And then we were racing each other to the bathroom we both had to pee so bad.

  I have this feeling Zachary and I are going to be best friends. We might even be boyfriends someday, who knows? (Did I tell you he’s actually a lot cuter than I first thought he was?) Right now, though, Zachary is kind of clueless about who he is—the gay part, I mean—even if the rest of the world figures maybe that’s who he is. That includes me. But hey, the rest of the world could be wrong. Zachary will figure himself out when he’s ready. As for me, well, I may have figured out that I’m gay, but I’m sorry, I am not ready to exchange saliva with anybody. The boyfriend thing can so wait.

  It’s funny, I started this alphabiography with my oldest friend, and I’m ending it with my newest friend. I never thought I could write this much, and now that it’s coming to an end, I feel sad that I have to stop, sort of the way you feel when you’re almost at the end of a really good book and you know you’re going to miss the main character. But in this case, the main character is me! Myself. Joe (formerly JoDan) Bunch.

  I guess there just aren’t enough letters in the alphabet to tell my story, or maybe it’s that there’s still so much left to happen.

  Like next Thursday, the Easel is coming out with my writing in it!

  And next Saturday, Zachary and I are going to the mall together, and then we’re going back to his house to make pizza from scratch because he loves to cook as much as I do!

  And the week after that, we’re having our first GSA meeting—and Mr. Daly’s son is coming to talk to us!

  And in June, right after school lets out, I’m visiting Aunt Pam in New York City—for a whole week!

  And next fall, I’m going to visit her again and hear Ani DiFranco in concert where I will have my mind blown, up close and personal!

  And the fall after that, I’ll be in HIGH SCHOOL!

  And maybe sometime in high school (I have four whole years, so it could happen), I’ll be ready to exchange saliva and I’ll be voted one half of the Cutest Couple of the Year—and our photo will be in the yearbook! I’m trying to picture who the other half of the photo will be. Maybe Zachary. Maybe Colin. Maybe Leonardo. Maybe Keanu. Or maybe somebody I haven’t even met yet. I guess I’ll just have to wait to find out. And that’s okay, because you know me—I love surprises!

  LIFE LESSON: Alphabiographies should be full of italics, CAPITAL LETTERS, and exclamation points! (Just like life!) And they should never end with the words “The End.” They should always end with:

  TO BE CONTINUED!

  Mr. Daly: I was going to say, “Don’t pick your nose and eat a peanut-butter sandwich at the same time,” but I have a feeling this is more what you had in mind. Am I right?

  Mr. D: Do I get extra points for words like “retorted”?

  French for “Me, too.”

  Mr. D: Don’t worry. I didn’t really believe I was from some other planet.

  Look who’s talking sports! (Okay, I admit I called them “games” until he told me what they were really called, but still.)

  It is physically impossible not to laugh when he says this.

  #3 on my current Top Ten List, after E.T. and Titanic.

  Mr. D: I don’t really know if there are starving children in Armenia or how baby booties would help them. I don’t even know if Armenia is a real place. Since this is a paper for English and not social studies, I won’t lose points for making stuff up like this, will I? I am being creative. (Don’t you think creativity should count for extra points?)

  Mr. D: Once again, I am being creative. Believe me, when I am old enough to drive, I will wear my seat belt and obey the speed limit. I do understand, however, that in Italy driving at a hundred miles per hour is normale (that’s Italian for normal).

  Mr. Daly: I’m sorry if Mrs. Esley is a personal friend of yours or your cousin or something. I’m just being honest. Besides, she hasn’t subbed in our school since the second grade, so I’ll bet I’m not the only one who thought she was bad news.

  Mr. D: I know you know all of this, but you told us to assume that the reader knows nothing. So here’s the background on the election: Addie came up with the not-very-brilliant idea of creating a third political party to run for student council. She called it the Freedom Party. Then Bobby made it brilliant by changing it to the No-Name Party and saying, “If elected, we will work to end name-calling here at Paintbrush Falls Middle School.” Well, the Democrats won (we came in a close second), and that was okay, really, because for once the Republicans and Brittney “Ha, Ha, I’m Popular and You’re Not!” Hobson didn’t win an election, and the second reason it was okay was that Colin won as vice president. But the point is, Bobby gave this great speech that was right out of a movie, with people cheering and everything. And Mr. Kiley was so impressed with Bobby’s idea of having a No-Name Day that he promised he would help us make it happen.

  Skeezie trying to sound like Elvis Presley.

  Skeezie’s real name.

  Ever since Steffi, the waitress at the Candy Kitchen who Skeezie has a crush on (even though he won’t admit it), started calling him Elvis, Skeezie has memorized all these old Elvis songs. He even imitates Elvis when he sings them. You might thi
nk this would be funny or even cool. Trust me, you’d be so wrong.

  Tofu shaped like a turkey. I am so not kidding.

  You’ll have to imagine their voices, but believe me, when Colin and I do them, we sound so real, it’s, like, “Hello, send our mail to Sesame Street!”

  Joke. Bad taste. Sorry.

  Mr. D: I’m pretty sure this is the right word. I looked it up.

  Mr. D: I am so not making this up!

  Mr. D: Sorry to have to get all R-rated.

  Mr. D: I hope it’s okay to be thinking about teachers being gay. I mean, it’s kind of personal, but it’s not an insult or anything.

  Mr. D: This is the closest font I could find to Colin’s handwriting, which, as you know, is extremely neat for a thirteen-year-old boy (or anybody, for that matter).

  French for “Skeezie is a pig, truly!”

  Mr. D: I’m going to try to remember the rest of what we said, but I’m getting tired of having to say “he said” all the time, so I’m just going to put down our words.

  Fruitcake. Flipper. Fajita. Fungus. Dr. Frank N. Furter.

  Mr. D: I got this from that poem you read us the other day.

  People’s Exhibit A: Kevin = handsome. Not.