Mara had stared at the thin, pale face in the mirror, not recognizing her own image. Tears of grief had spilled freely down her face as she rested her head on Jeffery's shoulder.
"You do not understand. It is my fault they are dead. I killed them!" she had cried.
He had forced her to look at him. "Do I not understand, Mara? Do you not know it was I who capsized the boat? I had lost an oar and was trying to retrieve it when the boat turned over. Should I blame myself, and shut myself in my room?"
"Oh, no, Jeffery. You are not responsible for Father's death," she had told him with tears in her eyes, knowing she was not the only one carrying a great burden. She had been selfish, thinking only of herself.
"I bear no less guilt than you, Mara. Did the love our parents had for you mean so little that you would forget what they taught you about forgiveness? Can you forgive me for capsizing the boat?"
"It is not a question of forgiveness. It was an accident. I will not have you blame yourself for Father's death."
"No more than I will allow you to blame yourself, Mara. Let Mother and Father rest in peace, and rid yourself of this guilt. I hardly recognize my lovely sister in the person you have become."
After that day Mara had begun to accept her parents' death and put her grief aside.
It was now one year since her return, and as she sat in her mother's garden, she wondered what the future held for her.
Next week was David and Linda's wedding. Although Linda was a few years older than Mara, they were very close. She already seemed to be a part of the family. The wedding was going to be held here, since the Golden home was larger than Linda's family home and could accommodate all of the wedding guests.
Mara wondered if she would ever marry. At the moment she doubted it. There had been any number of suitors for her to choose from, but she was not interested in any of them. Her mind was always taken up with thoughts of Tajarez. She compared every man she met with him, and somehow they never quite measured up.
How was it possible to miss someone so much, when she had known him for such a short time?
David refused to discuss Tajarez with her. At first he had been sympathetic, but as time passed and she did not seem to be getting over her feelings for him, he had lost patience with her and refused to discuss the matter. Jeffery had been more understanding, but he too could not see why she held on to her memory of Tajarez, refusing even to see other gentlemen.
Mara went through the motions of day-to-day living. She answered when she was spoken to, but hardly contributed to a conversation without being asked. She knew she was making her brothers miserable with her actions, but she could not pretend to be happy when she felt so dead inside. Instead of time being a great healer, in her case, it only made her love Tajarez more.
She liked to imagine what he would be doing, and sometimes she would think of him with a wife, or maybe even children, and would feel even worse.
The stigma of having been captured by the Indians was still with her. Most of her neighbors had been kind, but she could tell they did not really believe she had not been molested by the two Indians who had abducted her.
Tess seemed to be the only one she could really talk to about Tajarez. She had confessed to Mara that when she had been a young girl living in Boston she had met and fallen in love with a young Italian sailor, but her folks had refused to let her marry him. She had never gotten over him, and that was why she had never married. She told Mara to keep the memory of her love, but to put it where it belonged, in the past, and begin to live in the present.
There are many different kinds of love, Tess had told her, and "while you may never love as deeply again, some day you will meet a man that you will love enough to build a life with."
Mara bent down and pulled a weed from her mother's flower bed. She was like the weed, living where she did not belong, on the fringes of someone else's life. At seventeen, her life seemed a deep void going nowhere.
Mara did not hear the footsteps as Jeffery approached her.
"How are you, baby sister? Tess told me I would find you among the flowers." He had been in Philadelphia for the past two months and she had missed him greatly.
She threw herself into Jeffery's arms, while he laughed down at her. "I did not expect you until next week. Did Grandmother and Grandfather come with you?"
“No, they did not feel their health would permit them to make the trip, but they send you their love. Did you miss me?”
Mara stood back and studied Jeffery's face. He was tall, and very handsome, with blond curly hair and green eyes. Everyone commented on how much he and Mara favored each other. Tess said if Jeffery were a girl they could pass for twins. Not that Jeffery was not manly looking. He was every inch a man, and the young ladies flocked around him hoping to capture his attention.
"You know I missed you, Jeffery. With you gone I had to play chess with David, and he never loses as you do."
Jeffery laughed heartily. "Sassy mouth," he teased fondly. He looked her over from head to toe. She had gained all the weight back that she had lost, and she had ripened into womanhood. With the color back in her face, Jeffery thought she might well be the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, even if she was his sister. "I believe you are even more beautiful than when I left."
Mara smiled. "Thank you, sir. If you are not careful you will turn a girl's head."
"What's the matter? Do you not have enough gentlemen telling you how pretty you are?"
Mara raised her eyebrow. "No more than a dozen so far today."
Jeffery became serious. "How are you doing?"
Mara hesitated for a moment. "I am happy for David and Linda."
"That is not what I asked and you know it."
"Do not ask me, Jeffery. You will not like my answer."
Jeffery frowned. "I thought by now you would have come to your senses. Put this man out of your mind. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I cannot tell you how many men asked me about you while I was in Philadelphia. When the wedding is over, return with me to Philadelphia. In July, Aunt Nora is going on an extended vacation in Europe. She asked me to beg you to accompany her. If you will consent to go, I will go with you.
Mara loved her Aunt Nora. She was her mother's twin sister, and her only son was married and living abroad in Paris.
Jeffery eagerly awaited her answer. Seeing how much it meant to him, she smiled. "I will go to Paris, if you will go along. I have been thinking that David and Linda will need some time alone after they are married. How soon shall we leave?"
"How about a week after the wedding? That will give you time to pack and put the house in order before turning it over to Linda." Grabbing her around the waist, he swung her around in a circle. "I was prepared to bribe you if you would not consent to go. Grandfather said he would give you the money to buy a completely new wardrobe when you got to Paris. He said to spare no expense."
Mara laughed and pushed herself out of his arms. "I see there was a conspiracy going on behind my back. I shall buy the town out." Mara was warmed by the love and concern of her family. She would try to put up a brave front. The trip to Paris and the offer of a new wardrobe meant very little to her.
"Tell me, Jeffery, did you meet anyone special while you were in Philadelphia? When are you going to settle down to just one girl?"
"Well, Miss Busybody, as it happens, there was something special that happened to me."
Mara linked her arm with his and smiled brightly. "Tell me about her."
"Well, there was Marsha, the redhead; and Lisa, the blonde. Peggy with the black hair and Annette . . . no, I do not think I will tell you about Annette."
Mara laughed deeply and pulled him toward the house. "You are such an egotist and have been spoiled by all the attention you receive from the females of your acquaintance. One day you will wake up and find all the young ladies married. Then what will you do?"
"When that happens, I shall be too old to care. In any case, live life while you c
an, I always say."
"Yes, Jeffery, live life while you can. One never knows what tomorrow will bring." Jeffery watched as Mara's eyes clouded over. "Remember our dreams, Jeffery? We were going to go exploring the wilderness."
"That was childhood fantasy, Mara. One has to grow up and put childhood dreams behind him."
"I do not like being grown up. It is too painful."
"You are thinking of the Indian, Tajarez?"
"I always think of him. It is as if I am lost and adrift, not knowing where I am going. Somewhere in this world is the man I love, and for some reason he did not want me.
"It is just as well, Mara. You would have found your love for him sorely tested if you had become his squaw. Good Lord, Mara. You have seen the Indian women on the streets of St. Louis trudging along behind their men. Is that what you want for yourself?"
She turned on him angrily. "Yes, I would have been his squaw. I would have washed and cleaned for him. I would have done anything he asked of me, just to be near him." Her voice broke. "But he did not want me. Try and understand, Jeffery. I love him and he did not want me!"
The huge white doeskin tent was erected in the forest near the Golden home. Sasha and Tanka were spreading white ermine skins to cover the bare ground. Then they placed soft white doeskin cushions beside a long ebony-colored table that was edged in gold.
"This is a lot of trouble to go through, if you ask me," Tanka grumbled.
"Nothing is too good for the Golden One. The prince says he will see her today," Sasha said. "I wish he would allow me to go with him. I am most anxious to see her."
"I, too, want to see this woman with the white skin and the golden hair. She sounds ugly to me," Tanka said spitefully.
"Oh, no. The prince says she is the fairest of all women."
Tanka's eyes burned with jealousy. It was true she had lain with the prince many times. But he had never spoken to her of love, and while he had treated her with kindness, he had never shared any of his inner thoughts with her. Tanka had always known he would never marry her, and she did not expect marriage, but she had enjoyed a kind of respect from the others because the prince favored her. She knew her time of usefulness was drawing to a close, for when the prince married it was forbidden for him to lie with anyone other than his wife.
Tanka's one redeeming quality was that she truly loved the prince, but many of the Lagonda women loved him. He was very handsome, and so good to lie with. Just thinking about his strong muscular body made the blood run hot in Tanka's veins. He had not come to her since she had quarreled with Sasha. In fact, he hardly looked at her anymore.
Tanka was vain. She knew she had pleased him in the past and wondered if he missed her at all. She would lie in her tent at night, unable to sleep, thinking of him and wishing he would seek her out once more.
"Tanka, do you suppose he will bring her here today?"
"What do I care?" Tanka said angrily. "Once the prince sees her again he may not want her. I think he has built her up in his mind. No one can be as beautiful as he says she is. And who knows, she may be wed to someone else by now, or she may no longer be a maiden. And as you know, the prince cannot marry other than a maiden. Who knows what the men who captured her did to her. The prince did not lie with her, so he cannot know. He must not have desired her then; why should he desire her now?”
"That is only your jealousy speaking, Tanka. But even you cannot make me angry today, for soon, very soon, we shall behold the Golden One."
Tajarez entered the tent and looked about him and nodded approvingly. Both Sasha and Tanka stared at him in shocked surprise. He was dressed as a white man. He wore black cloth britches that fit tightly on his hard, firm body. A white shirt made his dark skin look even darker, and he wore a jacket that matched the britches. He had exchanged his moccasins for shiny black boots, and his hair was tied at the back of his neck with a black ribbon.
Tajarez smiled. "What do you think? Do I pass for a white man?"
"I do not know," Sasha spoke up. "I have never seen a white man."
Tanka walked around him, eyeing the strange clothing. "Is this the clothing of a white man?"
"I am told it is. Do you like it?"
Tanka gave him a seductive look. "I like whatever you wear, or whatever you do not wear."
Tajarez frowned at her. "Is everything in readiness?"
"Yes, my prince," Sasha spoke up. "Will you bring the Golden One here today?"
His smile was warm as he looked at his little cousin. "Speak English," he chided her gently. "I do not know if she will return with me today, little one."
Sasha blushed at his mild reprimand and lowered her head.
"It is most important that you practice your English every chance you get, for you will be one of the few who can communicate with her, and you will be the one to teach her the language of the Lagonda."
Sasha smiled shyly, and he affectionately pulled one of her braids. "You are almost as anxious to see her as I am, are you not, little cousin?"
"Oh, yes, my prince. Although I have never seen her, I love her already."
"She will love you, too, Sasha, for who would not?"
Sasha beamed under his compliment. "Do you go to her now?"
Tajarez frowned. "Yes. I am told there is a wedding taking place at the Golden home today."
"Not hers, surely?" Sasha asked.
"Not hers, surely," he repeated.
A PEOPLE WHO SPOKE THE AZTEC TONGUE, HAD HAD LARGE WALLED CITIES, HOUSES OF SEVERAL STORIES, AND RULERS CALLED KINGS.
—Friar Marcos
7
Mara watched with tears in her eyes as David and Linda were married. She felt happiness for her brother and sadness for herself. She knew she would never know the happiness they shared, because the one man in the world for her was lost to her forever.
The big house was overflowing with wedding guests. Some of them she knew, many of them she had never met as they were friends and relatives of Linda's family.
As soon as the ceremony was over, Mara slipped up the stairs to her room, seeking solitude for a moment, hoping she would not be missed.
Tajarez stood at the back of the big room, watching the wedding ceremony. His eyes searched the crowd, looking for the one face he desired to see. There were so many people. He stood back, not wishing to mix with any of them.
When the wedding was over, he wandered from room to room, looking at Mara's home. It was very grand—like the homes that O'Malley had told him about. There were women dressed in colorful gowns and the men were dressed much as he was. The white man had apparently done very well by him in his choice of clothing.
Tajarez stepped out into the entry way to get away from the crowd of people, and bumped into a gentleman who had just come downstairs.
"My apologies," the man said to him, laughing at their collision. "Not at all," Tajarez said, studying the man carefully. He had hair the color of Mara's and the same green eyes. Tajarez knew he was speaking to her brother Jeffery.
"I do not believe I have had the pleasure of meeting you. My name is Jeffery Golden, the groom's brother." He extended his hand to Tajarez and Tajarez shook it firmly, as he had seen many of the male guests do.
"This is quite a gathering," Tajarez said, not revealing his name.
"So it is. My taste runs to smaller weddings. If I were my brother, I would take my bride and run."
They were interrupted by another man who clapped Jeffery on the back. "Jeffery, I have been looking everywhere for you," the newcomer said.
"Anthony, when did you get back from England?"
"Last week, and it is good to be home. Tell me, where is that beautiful sister of yours? I saw her earlier, but she was surrounded by admirers, and I could not get within ten feet of her."
"She is playing hostess today. You may have to settle for the back of her head."
"Do you jest? I would settle for any part of her I could have."
Jeffery laughed. "You and countless others. My sister can pic
k and choose, but she does neither."
"Ah, my friend, that is what makes her so intriguing."
Tajarez stared at the man Anthony. To a woman he supposed he would be handsome, with his blond good looks, but to him he represented a threat, and he did not like the way he spoke about Mara. Tajarez's eyes burned, and he found himself wanting to smash the man against the wall.
'Tell me, Jeffery, how is Mara really? It must have been very hard on her when your mother and father died. My mother wrote me in England, and I would have come home at once, but my mother said that Mara would not receive anyone."
Jeffery sighed. "She was very ill for a long time, and shut herself in her room, seeing no one, but she is better now. In fact, we are going to Philadelphia next week and then on to Paris. We will most probably be gone for at least a year. I think it will be good for her."
"Do not think you can get her away from me by taking her to Paris, Jeffery. I will surely show up on your doorstep one day."
"I hope you will do that, Anthony. She needs all her friends at the moment."
"Anthony! When did you get home?"
All three men's eyes were drawn to the top of the stairs, where Mara stood. Tajarez stepped back into the shadows, drinking in her loveliness. She was wearing a green gown that seemed to shimmer as she descended the stairs. Her golden hair was arranged on the top of her head, and she wore green jewels that matched her eyes about her neck and around her wrist. He was having a hard time associating the beautiful vision as his Mara, who had worn the tattered green gown, and whose hair had hung down her back in riotous curls. This was no girl, but a beautiful, polished woman who was breathtaking. The year since he had seen her had ripened her body into that of a woman.
He closed his eyes, not wanting to see how she had matured, frightened that she would no longer love him. Why should she? If her brother was to be believed, she could have any man she desired, men of her own race. Why should she want him?
She raced down the stairs and threw herself into the arms of the man Anthony. Tajarez waited to see no more.
Savage Desire (Savage Lagonda 1) Page 9