by Tanya Wright
“You will never have to find out.”
“We will take good care of you. Now let the man-hating party begin!” Sabina said as she made her way to the kitchen. They would need spoons. These girls had no need for bowls or glasses during a man-hating party. They drank straight from the bottle and ate straight from the carton during times like this. Helping Hanna through her pain had a way of helping Micah forget her own. It had been a full half hour since the last time she had thought about Josh. They would each get through this and be stronger because of it.
* * *
When Josh had closed Micah’s door behind him, he knew it would be the moment he would look back on with regret for the rest of his life. Two words would haunt him for the rest of his days.
I. Can’t.
He had wanted to rush back in there, tell her what a coward and liar he was, but there was still a part of him that hadn’t let him. Something that drove his feet to move, step by step, farther and farther away from her door.
The real truth, the gut-wrenching reality, had been right there in the middle of her heartfelt speech.
She deserved more.
Micah would never know the reasons why he had to walk away. If she ever did find out, she would never forgive him, making a relationship impossible. It was for the best. He just had to keep telling himself that.
FIFTEEN
The days that followed were lonely and quiet without Josh. She hated it. Even though they did not see each other on a daily basis, he used to call or text her every day. But she hadn’t heard from him. Not since that night.
It was for the best. She needed to learn to get on without him. She needed to learn how to do this on her own, to be independent and gain confidence outside of a man’s attention and affection.
She had learned so much about herself recently. Her eyes had been opened for the first time in years. She had spent all of that time dependent on Drew and Josh.
His rejection was a good thing. It did not feel that way at first, but she was seeing it now. She did not recognize the girl she used to be anymore. She would always be grateful for all that Josh had done to help her get past that.
It was sad losing that relationship, but she was excited to see what the future held. Her options for a happy future were limitless. She now had the confidence and independence to make it happen.
“He still hasn’t called?” Sabina’s question knocked her from her thoughts. Micah had not realized she was staring at her phone without seeing.
“No, but it’s all right. I think it is for the best.”
“How so?”
“I need to learn to survive without a man.”
“Do you, now?” Sabina arched her eyebrow and pursed her lips in the infamous duck face. “Who are you and what have you done with my bestie?”
“What are you talking about? I am here. I have always been here.”
“Well, physically you have been, but I feel like you have been gone from me for a while. I have seen glimpses of the Micah I love, but it has been a long, long time.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“You have had a difficult year.”
“It really has been a rough year. I don’t know why it became more difficult for me, but I know it was for a reason. It all came to a peak, and I was forced to face reality. I needed that. I needed to deal with the past and finally put it all behind me.”
“Good. It is so nice to hear you talk like that.” Sabina stood and smoothed out her pant legs. “You ready for this?”
“As ready as I will ever be.” Micah had been dreading this for a few days now. They were all meeting at Hanna’s to help her move.
The girls would arrive first so they could help pack the boxes. Then the guys would show up later with the truck and load it up. That helped a little. She wouldn’t know how to act if Josh arrived there first and she showed up later. It would put pressure on her to say something, do something. If she was there first, then she could be busy doing things by the time he arrived. Seemed like a good enough plan.
She grabbed her coat and followed Sabina out the door. Here goes nothing.
* * *
Micah was in the bedroom packing up all of Hanna’s personal items when she heard the guys arrive. Her heart began to pound. Her hands began to shake. She kept folding and packing, doing her best to concentrate on the clothing and not on what was happening downstairs.
It didn’t work. She could hear his voice as he laughed. He sounded good. Did he miss her? Did her absence affect him in any way? Or had he just gone on the way he always did when women came in and out of his life? She had always thought she was different. Was she now just another one of them?
Furniture banged against something. “Hey, watch the furniture! You are going to pay for anything you damage, boys!”
Micah laughed as she imagined the scene. Two guys with their muscles, sweating, lifting heavy objects...
Whoa!
Her mind was going places it should not. Hanna was probably standing on the staircase watching their every move, directing them and being her overcautious self, making sure her furniture was moved unscathed.
Footsteps sounded on the stairs, then down the hallway. She knew whom they belonged to without even seeing him. He turned the corner into the room.
A simple gray T-shirt had never looked so good. Long, muscular legs encased in old, worn-out jeans. His hair messed up just so. Gawd, he looked good.
She felt her heart breaking all over again. They were supposed to do this run-in with others around. It would have been easier that way. Why couldn’t it have worked out that way?
“Hi.”
All he had to do was say one word and it was her undoing. She had no idea how she did not collapse into a mess of tears, but she was able to manage a smile. She could do this. She knew she could.
“Hanna wanted me to start grabbing some boxes to shove up on top in the moving truck. Do you have any that are ready?”
“Those are.” Two words. Good enough. She pointed to the boxes near the door, but he just continued to look at her. She could see his heart in his eyes and it looked just as broken as hers. Please leave so I can cry in peace.
She really should have come up with an excuse for not being able to help today. She hadn’t told Hanna about her recent developments because she had her own problems to work through. She didn’t need Micah’s drama, too. Hanna needed her help. She could get past her own issues in order to help her friend. She could and she would.
He finally made his way to the boxes, stacking one on top of the other and lifting them both at the same time. It would make this go a lot faster if he could manage carrying multiples. He quickly glanced back one more time before disappearing through the doorway.
Micah hurried to finish her duties. Just get the boxes packed and she could get out of there, away from the reminders of all she had lost and all she would never have. With her back to the door, she worked hard and kept the tears at bay. She didn’t want to see Josh each time he retrieved more boxes. Thankfully, that was only two more times. Both times she made herself busy.
She could sense him standing there, watching her. Slowly, she turned. He stood in the doorway with his hands in his pockets.
“I’m sorry, Mike.”
“Don’t.”
“I never meant—”
“Please stop.” She took a deep breath and stared at the shirt she had been in the process of folding. “I didn’t think... I mean, I never thought this would happen. I never expected it to. I always assumed you would be there. I took you for granted, took our friendship for granted. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t—”
“No. Stop. I know we can never go back to how it used to be, but I’m hoping we can at least be somewhat normal around one another. Do you think that�
��s possible?”
He stared down at his feet, avoiding eye contact. Silence stretched between them before he finally spoke. “Yeah. We can do that.”
His shoulders dropped slightly as he turned to leave. Micah stared at the empty doorway, unable to fathom how this relationship had crumbled so quickly. It hadn’t been as indestructible as they’d assumed it was.
“How’s it going up here?”
Micah turned to see Hanna enter. Her eyes must have given her away, because Hanna’s filled with concern as she came closer. Hanna rested her hand on Micah’s, hindering her progress. “What’s going on, Micah? Is something wrong?”
“No. I’m fine. I’m almost finished.”
“Forget the stuff, Micah. Stop. Sit down. Tell me. What’s the matter? And don’t bother denying it. I can read you like a book.”
“It’s not...” Hanna’s eyebrow lifted up, halting her ensuing denial. “Fine. I did something stupid and now things are really messed up with Josh, and I just want to go home.”
“What did you do? Oh, please tell me one of you finally confessed your true feelings!”
“What?”
“I have been waiting for years for one of you to come to your senses.”
“Why haven’t you said anything?”
“Neither of you was ready to hear it. But stop avoiding the question. What did you do?”
“I realized...”
“Yes?”
“...that...I’ve fallen in love with Josh.”
“It’s about time.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“So what did you do?”
“I accidentally told him.”
“What do you mean, accidentally?”
“Well, I meant to text Sabina about it, but I had an oops moment and sent it to Josh instead.”
“Classic.”
“How can you be so casual about this?”
“Because you guys are meant to be together. Everyone knows that.”
“No. No one knows that.”
“So, what happened?” Hanna was relentless.
“He doesn’t feel the same.”
“That’s what he said?”
“His exact words were I can’t.”
“Aw, Micah. I’m sorry it went down like that. Give it time. I know you two are meant to be together, and it will all work out eventually.”
Micah stood, dragged her hands across her face and wiped the leftover tears on her jeans. She looked down at the things that still needed to be packed. “Let’s stop worrying about me and keep working on getting you out of here.”
“You’re right. I need to end this chapter of my life as soon as possible. Get back to work.”
* * *
Josh reclined on his couch. His once comfortable apartment now seemed barren and lonely. Everywhere he looked he was reminded of her. She had been woven into every area of his life. He just didn’t function without her.
It had been so painful to see her today and know that he was the one responsible for the hurt in her eyes. He wanted to hold her, to make it all better, but he couldn’t.
The pit in his stomach made itself known. He could remember that night so vividly, the paralyzing guilt from the part he played still fresh. The night he’d vowed to protect Micah. The night she’d permanently become off-limits.
Josh had just pulled into his driveway when his phone rang. It was Drew and he knew exactly what the impending conversation was going to be about. They had spent the evening celebrating Drew’s birthday before the rain had scattered them and forced them all to go home. By this point, Drew must have just dropped off Micah, finally freeing him up to call and let Josh have it.
He was tempted to not answer, but curiosity won.
“Hello?”
“Dude, what’s your problem?” Yup. He was mad.
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t pull that with me, Josh. You know exactly what I’m talking about. What the hell?”
This was a conversation they revisited every couple of months. Josh would forget himself and Drew would catch him staring at Micah. He couldn’t help it. She was a beautiful girl.
“I don’t see what the big deal is. I was only looking. It’s not like I’ve ever touched her.”
“And you never will. Get that through your thick skull. She’s mine! And she’ll always be mine!”
“I know. I know.”
“Oh, damn! No! No!”
Josh held the phone close to his ear, straining to hear what was happening, but the rain pounding on his windshield made it difficult. “Drew?”
Everything was muffled, but the sound of screeching tires was unmistakable. It all happened so quickly that Josh couldn’t distinguish one thing from another. The horrifying sounds of twisting metal and shattering glass pierced through the phone, like nothing he had ever heard before. His breathing halted, his heart rate plummeted. It was as if everything ceased to function in that moment. Then, just as suddenly as it had happened, an eerie silence filled the air.
Panic consumed him. “Drew! Talk to me, man!”
It was faint but he could hear a moan, a painful cry, something.
“Drew, where are you? What happened? Drew, talk to me!”
“Josh.” It was barely audible, but it was something.
“I’m coming, man. Where are you?”
“No.” The word sounded weak, a gasping sound rather than a command. “Promise...”
“Drew—”
Josh strained to hear around the pounding of his own heartbeat.
“Micah...”
“Anything. I’ll do anything, Drew. I’ll protect her, even from me.”
It was alarmingly quiet, except for a muffled gurgling sound and erratic heaving breaths. He didn’t know what to do. Drew was in distress and he had no idea where he was or what had happened. He would have told Drew anything at that moment just to keep him calm.
“I promise, Drew. She’ll always be yours.”
The silence that followed was deafening.
No!
The magnitude of what had just happened hit Josh with a leveling force. His head fell forward onto the steering wheel, a gut-wrenching cry of pain escaping from deep within.
SIXTEEN
It was the start of a new day, a new chapter in her life. It had been far too long since she had put her knowledge to work, but now it was time. After being a nanny for the last several years, she worried if she still had what it took.
After the girls helped her shop for some new clothes, she felt superconfident. She definitely would not be taken seriously if she showed up in the same clothes she had worn as a nanny—her nanny family had not even taken her seriously when she showed up in those clothes.
She had selected a basic black pencil skirt, but her newfound curves were amplified in this baby. Even though she had put on a little weight, she actually liked the result and could not remember the last time she had felt this confident.
She grabbed her stylish new satchel purse and headed out the door, her new confidence marking her stride. Watch out, business world. I’m about to take over.
It felt good to be taken seriously again. Felt good to have something to contribute. And basically...she felt good.
When Micah entered her new work environment, her soon-to-be coworkers sized her up and tossed her looks of competition. Bring it on! Bring it on! Okay, so maybe she was getting a little out of control, her head growing with each step she took.
There was a tiny voice in her head that caused her to second-guess herself momentarily. Old habits had a tendency of dying hard, but she quickly stomped the negative thoughts from her mind. She would remain positive from here on out. She would not allo
w negativity to hold her back any longer. She was a changed woman, and she was bound to make that a permanent change.
After a few hours of initial training, she was given a break. In desperate need of a coffee, she grabbed her purse and headed out the door. Decisions, decisions. To the left, past the firehouse where Josh worked, was a coffee shop. Or she could go to the right and across the street.
Her positive, confident outlook pushed her to the left. The trucks were parked out front; several firemen cluttered the area. Josh had to be there. Somewhere. You look good in that skirt. Strut past that firehouse and show him what he’s missing.
Yup, no. She wasn’t that confident. She turned sharply to the right and made a beeline across the street.
* * *
“Where is everyone?” Jamie walked into Josh’s apartment expecting the regular people in attendance but instead was faced with an empty room.
“Oh, uh...Hanna’s working.”
“On Sundays now?”
“Guess so.”
“And the others?”
“Sabina is mad at me...”
“And Micah?”
Josh didn’t say anything. The silence was answer enough.
“What happened?” Jamie asked as he settled into his favorite spot on Josh’s couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table.
“You want me to grab you a beer before I get into it?”
“Yeah.”
Josh went into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and pulled out two. He popped the tops off and handed one to Jamie when he returned to the living room, and settled down into his own seat after.
“Okay, spill. What happened?”
“So much...”
“Start from the beginning.”
“Nah, man. I don’t want to revisit all that.”
“Give me the bullet-points version, then.”
“Well...I was a fool. I took advantage of her when she was drunk. I lost all sense of self-control, cared more about my own lust... I treated her like just another girl I’d pick up in a bar.”