by Tanya Wright
Jamie leaned back in his seat and propped his ankle on the opposite knee. “Continue.”
“Then I get this text the other day...”
“Yeah?”
“Mind you, this is after I lost all control.” Josh took another swig of his beer. “But this text...I guess she meant to send it someone else. It was obvious it was never meant for me to see.”
“Oh, really? That’s happened to me before. What did it say?”
“Basically it just said she had feelings for me.”
“What? That’s awesome. That makes it so much easier for you now.” Jamie took a sip of his beer. Then, as if he had thought about it a moment, he sat up straighter. “Wait. Now I am confused. Why isn’t she here then? I thought you were in love with her. Shouldn’t she be here playing kissy face with you now that the secret is out?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Well, uncomplicate it for me.”
“I am in love with her. That’s a given. But I can’t be with her.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. Why not?”
“I thought we talked about this.”
“We did, but I’m still not seeing it.”
“She belongs to Drew. She always will be hands off to me. Our friendship means too much to me to muck it up.”
“So what has happened now hasn’t already mucked it up? I mean, look around. You still lost her.”
“I guess no matter what I do, I lose. At least this way I have the hope that she will find someone better than me and will eventually forgive me.”
“Are you kidding me? Who could possibly be a better match for her than you?”
“Tons of guys.”
“You’re full of it!”
Minutes passed with neither saying a word. He hated that deep down inside he felt he could never be enough for Micah. But what if this was the universe’s way of pushing him to be more?
“So, wait. Go back. Tell me what happened after she sent you that text message. What did you say in response?”
“Well, I went over there. No matter what, I couldn’t say anything to her through text message.”
“Right. That is always a bad idea.”
“She was crying and you could tell just how much she hadn’t wanted me to know. She was stressing about it to the max.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I told her I couldn’t do it.”
“You couldn’t do what?”
“I couldn’t be with her. I could not do this with her.”
“Are you freaking kidding me?”
“No. What was I supposed to say?”
“I don’t know. Anything but that.”
“This sucks! I don’t know what to do to make it better.”
“You tell her the truth. You tell her you love her and that you are a freaking idiot and you can’t live without her.”
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t.”
“I’ll figure it out later. I don’t want to think any more about it right now. Why are we wasting time talking about relationships like a bunch of girls when there is a perfectly good football game about to start?”
“Seriously, though. Don’t be an idiot and let her get away.”
“Okay. You’re done. Football game is on.” Josh turned up the volume and let the announcer’s voice drown out his friend as well as his thoughts.
It didn’t work, though. The game was on but Josh wasn’t watching. How had everything spiraled out of control so quickly? Ten years. It had been ten years since Drew’s death and the vow he had made. He had successfully kept it a secret for a decade, and now it all threatened to crumble.
Jamie gave advice so freely, but if he knew the truth he would understand.
“Here, have another beer. I can hear the wheels turning in your head.” Jamie handed him a bottle of beer, but he waved it off.
“No. I don’t need it.”
The memories of that night had haunted him for such a long time. It had always kept a much-needed wall between him and Micah. He wasn’t sure when, but she had climbed over it, demolishing the barrier.
“You ready to make me understand?”
“I don’t know, man.” Josh dragged the palm of his hand down his face. It was all too much. Maybe he should talk about it. Get it out in the open, so to speak. “She doesn’t know the truth about Drew’s death.”
“What do you mean?”
“It was my fault.”
The look on Jamie’s face told him he didn’t believe him. Josh knew what he was thinking. Drew had been alone when he died. No other cars to blame. No other passengers to distract him.
“I know what you’re thinking. He was driving too fast and it was raining. But...see, Drew called me. He was on the phone with me when he died.”
“Oh, man...” Jamie leaned forward on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees.
“We were arguing.”
“About what?”
“Micah.” Josh took a deep breath. “I’ve always been in love with her and Drew knew it. He was setting me straight, telling me how it was going to be.”
Jamie remained still as Josh spoke. “It was because of me that he wasn’t paying attention, that he was going so fast. I can still remember everything. The screeching, the shattering, the twisting. I didn’t know where he was or what had happened. I was too afraid to hang up on him to call for help. So I kept talking to him.”
“Oh, God. Josh, why didn’t you tell us?”
“What was I supposed to say?” Josh leaned forward and put his head in his hands. “I sat there in my truck in the middle of the rain and listened to our best friend take his last breath.”
He fought to shake the memories from his head. He didn’t want to think about Drew’s last words just now.
“Once I snapped out of it, I ran into the house and called 911. It took awhile to figure everything out, but eventually I found myself standing in front of the wreckage. The paramedics had already left. They had taken him away in a body bag. Nothing left to do. Bright red-and-blue lights flashed all around as the police officers investigated and tried to make sense of what happened.”
Josh remembered standing there as a deluge of heavy raindrops soaked through his thick coat. It was then that he took on the massive weight of guilt. Putting it on his shoulders like a cloak. It was all his fault. It was there in that moment that Josh had vowed never to breathe a word of this to Micah. She would hate him forever if she knew the truth. He would keep his promise and watch over her. He would protect her and never cross over the boundaries of friendship. He would do it for Drew.
“You know what happened. Drew’s car lost control. He was going way too fast when he took that turn on Elk Street. By that point there was no way he could have avoided that tree. The car didn’t stand a chance with an immovable oak. Instead it just wrapped around it. The misshapen mass of metal that I saw bore no resemblance to a vehicle. No one could have survived something like that. If I hadn’t done something that day to piss him off, Drew wouldn’t have been upset. He wouldn’t have called me while driving in the pouring rain. He wouldn’t have been driving so recklessly. He wouldn’t have taken that corner so fast. But because of me, he did.”
“Josh, we both know that Drew was a reckless driver no matter what mood he was in. He was always talking on the phone. Always going too fast. He was careless. It wasn’t your fault. You just were unfortunate enough to be the one he was talking to at the time. It could have been any one of us.”
Josh heard him. Knew he was speaking the truth. If Micah had been the one on the phone with Drew, he wouldn’t have placed the blame on her shoulders. But even if it could all be reasoned away, he still couldn’t get past the guilt or the promise he’d made.
“Did he die quickly? Did he say anything?” Josh had never considered the fact that he was the only one aware of Drew’s last moments. It had all been a mystery to his family and friends. He was selfish for keeping it secret all these years.
“It was pretty quick. It all happened so fast. It could have been mere seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Hearing him and not being able to do anything... He didn’t say much. Each word was a struggle. But Micah’s name was the last he said.” He leaned back into the couch, emotionally depleted. “Jamie, I made a promise then and there that I would always protect her, and that included protecting her from me. Which, obviously, I’ve failed at.”
“Josh, I can’t say I would have handled it any differently, but still... Listen, we’ve been talking to Micah about letting go and moving on, and she’s finally doing it. Now I think it’s your turn. Drew would never have blamed you for what happened. It’s time you let that go.”
Talking had helped get it all out there so he could finally work through it. Jamie was right. He did need to let it go. For himself. For Micah.
He only wanted to do what was best for her. She deserved more than what he had to offer. Even days after the mistaken text message, the fact that she had said she had fallen in love with him still hadn’t sunk in yet. How could this be? He wasn’t deserving of someone like her. He didn’t deserve to be loved like that.
He knew women found him attractive, wanted to date him, but they did not fall in love with him. He usually did something to screw it up long before they got to that point.
So when had it happened with Micah? Was it really possible that she had seen past his idiocy and in spite of his numerous flaws had really fallen in love with him? She knew him better than anyone, better than most of his family, and still she claimed to love him.
It blew his mind.
Should he tell her? Would she still love him after she knew the truth?
He felt it was only right that she know everything once and for all. If she could so bravely reveal her heart to him, the least he could do was tell her the truth.
While men fought over a football on the television screen and Jamie sat beside him feigning interest in the game, Josh grew closer and closer to a decision. He knew well Jamie was just biding his time until Josh came to the right conclusion.
“I should talk to her,” Josh finally said.
“You should.”
The more time that had passed, the closer he was to doing something about it. He needed some courage and clarity of mind.
Josh knew that if he broke her heart, he would never forgive himself. But he also knew that if he let this moment pass him by and watched as some other man came and stole her away, he would regret it for the rest of his days. He had nothing left to lose.
“This is crazy. I have never had a problem talking to a woman before. Why am I so worked up over her?”
“Because she’s not just any girl. She’s Micah.”
He did not want to admit it out loud, but it scared him to death. Nothing had frightened him more in his entire life than the thought of facing Micah and telling her that he had lied. He could not imagine the amount of courage it would take to tell her that he was in love with her and had been since the moment he laid eyes on her.
He remembered the first day he met her. She’d been so vibrant, with her fiery hair flowing wildly in the wind. Her soft brown eyes turned a glowing shade of bronze when the sun hit her just right. She was carefree in her cotton, summery dress that seemed to dance in the breeze. He remembered the color, even—a jade green. He loved how it looked against her ivory skin and how bright it made her eyes look when you got close to her.
The jealousy he’d felt when he found out she belonged to another, to Drew, was like nothing he had ever experienced before in his life. The intensity of it had gutted him to the core.
But that was just it. She didn’t belong to anyone. She didn’t belong to Drew and she didn’t belong to him, either. He had been trying to protect her, but instead had been controlling her. Regardless of how much she fought it, he kept treating her like a possession. She had a mind, a beautiful mind, of her own. She deserved to know all of the facts. She deserved to be able to make the decision for herself.
Ah! He felt like such a dumb ass. When it came to Micah, he just couldn’t think straight. He needed to talk to her.
When he finally came to a decision, he stood up and walked out the door without another word to Jamie. He was sure he could figure out what was about to happen.
SEVENTEEN
Josh found himself standing in front of the door to Micah’s apartment. He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there—at least several minutes—trying to gather up the nerve to knock.
His stomach churned. His hands felt tingly as the adrenaline pumped through his veins. In his line of work, he went head-to-head with serious fires and life-and-death situations, but this five-foot-six-inch fiery redhead had to be the scariest encounter he had ever faced.
Josh took in a deep, stabilizing breath before lifting his hand and knocking on the door. He heard footsteps. His heartbeat became so loud it drowned out the noise. The door opened; he held his breath. When he saw Sabina on the other side of the threshold, he let it out in a whoosh.
“Is Micah around?”
“Is Micah around? You’ve got some nerve showing up h—”
“Sabina, I don’t really feel like getting into it with you right now. I just need to talk to her.”
“Well, I am thinking you pretty much screwed up your chance to talk to her the other night.”
“Come on, just let me in.”
“I would, but she’s not even here. She went out with Hanna.” Then, as if she needed to throw salt in the wound, she said, “She went to meet some new guys. It is about time she met someone decent.”
“Listen, I know you have never been fond of me and we have had our differences. And I will be the first to say that Micah deserves more than what I have to offer, but I do love her. I am a stupid idiot and I may have ruined everything, but I need to at least make it right.”
“That is sweet and everything, but for real, she is not here. I think you’ve missed your shot, buddy.” Sabina closed the door on him, leaving him staring at the fall wreath that hung on the door.
He took a step back and was met with the wall. Leaning against it, he slowly lowered himself to the floor. What was he doing? He should leave. He should pretend he had not let Jamie talk him into this ridiculous idea. Micah would never know. He could text Sabina and ask her to keep quiet—judging by her reaction to him, like a mama bear protecting her baby, he knew she would agree and keep it between them.
He brought his knees up, propped his elbows on them and dropped his head in his hands. He really should just leave, but he couldn’t do it. He needed to see her the way he needed his next breath. Nothing would ever be the same if she was not a part of his life.
* * *
Hanna dropped Micah off after a night of failed attempts at meeting eligible men and maybe one too many cocktails. There were a few possibilities that she’d felt held some potential. But each guy she met would smile at her and flirt with her, but in the end they just came up short. One by one she knocked them down.
Not Josh.
Not Josh.
Nope.
Definitely not even close to being Josh.
The guys seemed to be interested in her, which she took as a good sign, but she hadn’t been able to find any that she was interested in. Maybe in time she would. She was not giving up just yet. She would find someone.
In the meantime, it was going to be a lot of fun getting to know who she really was apart from all that she had been hiding behind.
Micah rounded the corner, climbed the last flight of steps to the third floor and noticed him
sitting there in front of her door, as if he was waiting for her. She closed her eyes and opened them again, wondering if maybe she had just conjured up his image.
He looked up at her, his eyes filled with pain and regret. Her heart broke all over again seeing him sitting there. He stood and wiped his hands down the front of his jeans. He wore a navy hoodie, the one with his firefighter emblem on the chest. She always thought he looked invincible yet huggable when wearing that hoodie. But she couldn’t hug him anymore. Not right now, at least. Or maybe any time soon.
“I needed to talk to you. I had to see you.”
“What for?”
“I shouldn’t have...I should have told you the truth.” He ran his hand through his hair. She could see the evidence of stress and pain all over his face. “I...uh...I lied, Micah.”
“What do you mean?
“Give me a moment. This is difficult for me.”
Josh looked down at his feet, shoved his hands in his pockets, then pulled them out again. He seemed nervous. She had never seen him like this before. It was an unsettling sight. At the same time it warmed her heart and showed a side of him that was vulnerable in a way she did not know he could be.
She found herself fidgeting as well, playing with her keys and fumbling with the strap of her purse on her shoulder.
“I lied the other night. I was a being a coward. A coward and a liar. I would completely understand if you never wanted to talk to me again, but I just need to tell you the truth.”
She said nothing, just nodded her head for him to continue. She was all ears.
“I was afraid.” He still looked down at his feet, avoiding eye contact. “I was afraid that if I told you the truth that I would lose you.”
“Lose me? You could never lose me, unless you push me away.” Then again, he had lost her in a way, even if it was temporary.
His hands went back in his pockets.
This whole scene was beginning to make her nervous, too. Especially with how nervous he was acting right now. “What truth are you talking about?”
He lifted his head, the full force of his gray eyes enveloping her under his spell. It was as if he summoned all his courage and took a deep breath. His eyes dropped to her lips, then back up to her eyes.