by T. N. Cole
It’s beautiful, Mel softly interjected.
Great, now you decide to show up, Mel? Think you could hold off on the random flashbacks till I’m at least by myself?
No response. I slammed my fists on the steering wheel. Once, twice, it still wasn’t enough. The pain that was numbing the sides of my fists was nothing—nothing compared to what was eating me up on the inside.
I could see Katelyn quietly observing my meltdown. Instead of trying to convince her that I wasn’t insane, I threw open the car door and got out. She shouldn’t be here. No one had seen me this vulnerable because no one should. I walked closer to the water and dropped to the ground. I wrapped my arms around my knees and stared out over the water. I knew this looked like some pathetic scene from a movie, but I didn’t care. I missed my sister. My dad. Mel.
I had only been nine years old when my four-year-old sister, Chloe, had died. Chloe and my dad had gone out to get ice cream when they were blindsided by a drunk truck driver. Chloe had been pronounced dead at the scene. My dad was injured but eventually recovered. But as soon as he was well enough to not have my mom fuss over him, he took off. My mom turned to alcohol to distract herself from the grief of losing Chloe and her husband. Leaving me to basically fend for myself.
I suddenly snapped out of my reverie when I felt Katelyn carefully sit on the grass beside me. I was planning to ignore her when suddenly I hear, “You’re kind of overdramatic, dude. Anybody ever tell you that?”
I was shocked for a minute. Then I was angry the next instant. “You don’t know shit about me, Katelyn.”
She shrugged. “Nope. But I do know that you act like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. And even if that was true, you need to stop acting like an asshole and deal with it. Lashing out at others and internalizing your pain won’t help you.”
“So, all of a sudden you’re a shrink. Newsflash, sweetie, you’re not a psychiatrist yet.”
“Hey, I’m just letting you know that all the pain you’re feeling? Self-inflicted,” she deadpanned.
“How the fuck do you know?” I bit out. “What if I’ve killed someone?” I tensed as I accidentally let too much slip out.
“You haven’t.”
I turned to her incredulously. “You wouldn’t have said that if you really had.” She had cut me off before I could open my mouth. I looked away, and she continued, “From what I’ve seen—which isn’t much, I know—I think you’re harvesting a lot of guilt. I also think it’s all self-induced. And that you’ve been doing it to yourself for so long that you’ve forgotten.”
I rubbed my face with both hands in frustration. “What have I forgotten?” My voice was muffled by my hands.
“That you’re alive,” Katelyn simply said. “You’re living, and there are some people who aren’t as lucky as you are. So you should get your head out of your ass and look around you. You’re alive. Do you not remember what that means anymore?” Her eyes were now boring into mine, imploring me to really hear what she was saying.
I stared back at her, her eyes looking black in the moonlight. She was right. She was actually fucking right. I was alive, which was more than I could say for Mel or Chloe. And I was disrespecting their memories by wallowing in self-pity every day. But I also knew that as much as I wanted to believe Katelyn, there was still all that guilt I was tethered to—holding me prisoner.
“I saw that…” Katelyn brought me back to the present. “Now you’re feeling guilty about being guilty. Which is stupid as hell and pointless. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying you need to wake up.”
Easier said than done, I wanted to growl. Instead, I just kept quiet. I didn’t want to tell her that I had five years of guilt to let go of. No amount of time could erase the fact that I had killed my best friend.
Katelyn stared out at the lake as she spoke. “It’ll take a while to get there, definitely. But the good thing is you have all the time in the world to think about it.”
We sat there in comfortable silence for a while. I was a little surprised that she could sit and be silent for so long. Maybe there was more to her than met the eye.
My eyes flicked back to her. She did look tired. Beautiful, but tired. Her hair was now in loose waves and her eye makeup was a bit smudged. She still had no shoes on, and her outfit looked tiny and uncomfortable. I felt a twinge of guilt for dragging her out here with me on what she called an ‘act of theatrics.’
I stood and held my hand out to help her up. “Let’s go home.” She looked at my hand, then looked up to meet my eyes. Her eyes were unreadable, but her face softened into a weary smile to reassure me. Of what I wasn’t sure. She slowly placed her hand in mine and let me pull her to a standing position. She stood up and twisted to make sure no grass had stuck to her ass. Then she turned back to look at me.
All of a sudden, we were standing chest to chest. I couldn’t breathe from the intensity of her gaze—yet, I couldn’t look away. I found myself getting lost in the dark pools of her eyes. Then I felt the soft whisper of her breath on my lips. That snapped me out of it. I reared back as soon as I realized that my head had subconsciously gravitated down toward hers. I could not kiss her. She was already fucking with my head enough without me acting on any form of physical attraction to her. I didn’t need to know what she tasted like. How soft her lips would feel on mine. The little sounds she might make when I let my tongue sweep her mouth. No, I didn’t need to know that at all.
I took a quick step back and ran my hand through my hair. I exhaled then jerked my head in the direction of the car. “I better take you home. Let’s go.”
She quickly nodded and grabbed my left hand in both of hers as we made our way back to the car.
I HAD ANOTHER SHIFT at the hospital on Wednesday night. Thank god I only had one class on Thursdays. After that class, I passed out for a few hours only to be woken by the constant vibrating of my phone.
Brody: Game tonight. 8 o’clock.
Drew: Dude. Come to the fucking game tonight. And bring that girl you were grinding with on Saturday.
Logan: Yo, T. Bring that hot chick. The new one.
Jase: Since you skipped the last game, you better come to this one, dude. Heard you got a new girl.
Alex: You’re on my team tonight. We’re going to kick ass. Oh and the guys are asking me about Katelyn
Jenny: Can’t wait to see you play tonight. You know what watching you play does to me ;)
Fuck. I groaned and threw my phone on the bed next to me. I didn’t have to go through the rest of the messages to know they were all related to that game tonight. And why in the world was Jenny texting me? She was my once upon a time fuck buddy. But it had been a while. A really long while. I grabbed my phone to shoot out a quick text.
Tristan: Do you know why Jenny’s texting me?
Alex: Sucks, bro
Alex: Might have heard from Whit that Jenny saw you at the Kappa Sig house. With Katelyn… Dun dun dun
Tristan: Shit
Alex: You’re on your own with that one
Alex: You bringing Katelyn or not?
Tristan: What do you think?
Alex: If there’s nothing going on with you two, then it shouldn’t be a problem
I sighed and locked the screen on my phone. I needed sleep. But I knew I had no legit reason to not go to this game. Everyone was going to be there. And I didn’t want to risk having a nightmare if I went back to bed not tired enough. The real question was whether or not bringing Katelyn to the game was a good idea. Alex was right. I should be able to bring her since we weren’t even friends. My concern was that people might start to get the wrong idea.
Since when did other people’s opinions matter, Tristan? Mel reminded me. It never bothered you before.
She was right. Back before the accident, I was the stereotypical popular jock. Everyone knew me. Everyone liked me, and if they didn’t, I didn’t give a shit. When did I become the guy concerned with the image I gave off? Ever since you had so
mething to hide…
My life was no one’s business. Besides, I had taken Katelyn away from the party last weekend before she really had the chance to make friends. I should make it up to her by inviting her to the game tonight, right? Before I could change my mind, I opened up my messages to Katelyn.
I had received a couple more texts from her in the few days since the night of the party. More memes. I hadn’t responded to any of them. I felt a twinge of guilt because I hadn’t talked to her since I had dragged her out to the lake. I had left her at her friend’s house after we got into another argument. She wanted to come home with me to make sure I was okay, and I had gotten defensive and said rude things about how she barely knew me and how we weren’t even friends. And I didn’t think she’d had enough time to make “friends” at the party since I had caused us to leave early.
Tristan: There’s a soccer game tonight. 8 o’clock. Want to go?
Katelyn: I thought we weren’t friends?
I sighed. Way to be a dick… Looks like she actually took that to heart, Mel added snidely.
Tristan: I don’t need to be friends with you to invite you to this game that literally everyone I know is going to.
Katelyn: Not everyone. I’m not.
Tristan: Why wouldn’t you?
Katelyn: Why should I?
Tristan: Let’s not be so difficult…
Katelyn: I’m not being difficult. You’re the one who was being a jerk to me. It’s not a crime to want to know why you’re inviting me to a social outing with your friends when you made it very clear last week that you wanted nothing to do with me.
Tristan: Is this because I haven’t been responding to your text messages?
Katelyn: Are you shitting me right now?
Tristan: Jesus Christ, woman. This is my peace offering, ok? All my friends will be there. And since I made us leave the KS party early, I thought I would make good on my promise to help you make new friends. By inviting you to the game. That’s all. But if you don’t want to go, then fine.
Katelyn: Pick me up at 7:30. I’ll text you my address
What? No. That was not what I wanted. I ran both my hands through my hair, yanking on the ends in frustration. I was thinking of how to phrase my response without pissing her off more when my phone lit up again.
Katelyn: Before you start freaking out about having to pick me up, my roommate is out, and she’s using my car. So, I need a ride.
I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. Better get shit done in the two hours I had before I had to pick Katelyn up and go to the game.
This was not a good idea, I thought as I sat in my car and watched Katelyn come down the stairs of her apartment complex.
She was only wearing a loose, simple white t-shirt tucked into high-waisted shorts with sandals. I just knew her long, tanned legs were going to make the guys’ jaws drop. I averted my stare and ran one hand through my hair once I started feeling the familiar warmth of desire. She bounded to my car, long hair carelessly flying behind her. I continued staring straight ahead as she slid into the passenger seat. I could feel her gaze boring into me, yet neither of us was willing to talk first.
Finally, I reluctantly turned my head to find her sitting with legs crossed and her whole body facing me. Her expression was unreadable but intense.
Nervously, I went with, “Hi?”
Katelyn stared at me for a few more seconds. Then she broke into a blinding grin. “Hey, hot stuff. We just going to sit here the rest of the night?”
I shook my head but put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking lot. “You’re driving me crazy,” I muttered. One minute, she was mad, and the next, she was bright and happy. I couldn’t keep up with her, and I didn’t know why it was so easy for her to rile me up. Maybe it was because no one really bothered me. The guys I knew respected me and knew I liked space. Lots of it. The girls would try to throw themselves at me at first, but eventually they would get bored when they saw I was never affected by them. Fucking Katelyn. She was different. She was able to get a rise out of me with just a smirk or a raise of an eyebrow.
For the rest of the short ten-minute ride, she chattered along happily about what she had been up to since I last saw her. She also asked me questions about who would be there and if she needed to watch out for anyone.
“Any psycho ex-girlfriends who might cause me trouble?” she asked nonchalantly.
Dumbfounded, I asked, “What? Why would they cause you trouble?”
“I mean, obviously, if she’s psycho, then she’s going to assume we’re together and probably go apeshit crazy on me.” She gave me a look that said duh.
“Well, I have no ex-girlfriends so you have nothing to worry about,” I replied dryly.
Silence. I glanced at her as I pulled into a parking spot next to the soccer field.
“What?”
“I don’t know if I can really even say that I’m all that surprised…” she finally said.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Wait, do people say stuff about me? Or did you ask around?” I smirked.
She rolled her eyes. “Could you be more conceited?” I shrugged; I thought it was a legit question. I didn’t know people still talked about me; I couldn’t imagine what people would say if they knew my darkest secret. “Anyway, no I just heard some girls talking about you one time about how they wanted to be your next. Guess I know what that means now.” Then she got out of the car.
I didn’t know why I was so irritated that she was listening to rumors about me. Sure, I messed around with a couple of girls my first year of college, but they were just a distraction. And I always made sure they knew they were just a way to fuck my emotions out of my system. Besides, I hadn’t gone through that many girls. I usually picked one at a time and used them for a couple of months. I winced.
Yeah, that’s not going to help your case if you tell her that, Mel remarked sarcastically.
I slowly got out of the car. She was standing by the hood, studying all the people already by the field. More often than not, these games turned into field parties. “Despite all the assumptions you seem to have already made, there’s nothing typical about me.” I didn’t wait for a reply, and instead, started walking toward the field, “Let’s go. I got a game to win.”
As we neared the field, I could see all the usual guys were there—the ones who had blown up my phone earlier—plus more. And with a gathering of guys this big, of course the girls were sitting on the sidelines all primped up just to watch us.
Logan saw us first, and in an exaggerated drawl, he called out, “Katelyn, get on over here, sweet thang.”
I looked over to see her mouth turn up at the corner in a half smile as she shook her head, amused. Regardless, she skipped over there and stepped into his open arms for a hug.
I looked away as Logan picked her up and swung her in a circle. I could hear her laughing as I surveyed the girls sitting on the sidelines whispering and giggling. I gave them my standard cocky smirk, inducing more giggles. I saw Ryan’s girlfriend, Caisey, and gave her a little wave, which she reciprocated by raising her can at me. I needed to introduce Katelyn to Caisey. She was one of the only girls I got along with.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jenny stand and fluff her hair before she sauntered toward me. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. Should I run or just get rid of her now? I grimaced. This wasn't going to end well either way...
I stood with my arms crossed and let her walk up to me.
"Hey baby," she cooed. I could already smell the beer on her. I put my hands on her waist to steady her and turned us so my back was to everyone else and their prying eyes.
"What do you think you're doing, Jenny?"
"What do you mean?" she asked breathily, her eyes trained on my mouth as her hands trailed up my chest until her arms were looped around my neck.
I reached up and untangled her arms, ignoring her pout. "You know we've been way over." And it had been a while, abo
ut eight months since we last hooked up. She was also the last girl I had been with.
She stroked her fingers across my chest. "Well, with that new girl you have hanging around you, I figured you were up for having a fuck buddy again. And I just thought I would be the better choice. Since I know how you like it and all."
I caught her wrists and looked her dead in the eye. "I'm not interested in either of you right now."
She smirked and looked over my shoulder. "Somehow, I don't think the new girl knows that."
"What she knows and doesn't know is none of your fucking business, Jenny. Just back off. She's gonna be hanging around, and you better not give her any trouble," I snarled.
Her eyes had widened for a second before she covered it with a lazy grin. She yanked her wrists away, and she opened her mouth—
"Yo, T! You just gonna suck face with Jenny all night or you actually gonna play?" Jase called. I turned around and gave him a hard look, causing him to hold his hands up in surrender. "Hey man, you know I'm just playin'."
I looked and found Katelyn with Logan's arm slung around her shoulders. He seemed to be introducing her to the other guys.
"Game starting! Captains pick your teams!" Brody called.
I walked over to Katelyn. "Hey, want me to introduce you to some of the girls?"
She shrugged but shot some last flirty grins at the guys before she started walking toward the sidelines.
I followed her, and then I grabbed her wrist. "Come on, I want to introduce you to Caisey."
She pulled her wrist free and gave me a warning glare. For what? I raised my eyebrows at her, and she rolled her eyes in response.
"Caisey." I smiled at her as she got out of her chair and gave me a hug. Caisey was one of the sweetest girls I knew. She and Ryan were high school sweethearts. They supported me even when I was constantly pushing people away. "Caisey, this is Katelyn. Katelyn, Caisey."
"Hey, girl." Caisey pulled her into a hug. Katelyn tensed for a second but quickly reciprocated the gesture.
"Nice to meet you," Katelyn said politely.