Private Affair (The Private Series)

by Danielle Torella

  I move in front of Ben and I give him a tight hug, burring my face into his gray thermal shirt and let silent tears fall. His hand is on the back of my neck and I feel his chest start to heave. We stand there in the silent hospital room, where the only sounds one could hear is the beeping of Caroline’s heart monitor and our muffled sobs.

  It’s nearly midnight and we are still here in the hospital. When a nurse came in asking us to leave, Ben refused. Luckily the nurse understood and brought in a couple of cots for us to sleep on. We of course push them together and lay with one another.

  The silence is getting to us and it’s hard to speak right now. I decide to pull out my iPod and I hand him one headphone and I keep the other. He eyes me and smiles. He knows what words fail to speak music speaks volumes. I flip on a calm playlist and we lay there listening, eventually we nod off in one another’s arms.

  We are tapped on the shoulders and are awaken by Jack and Gwen standing above us in the dark. Ben takes the ear-bud out of his ear, stands and hugs his father. I look to see that it’s after four in the morning, I hug each of them.

  “How did you get in here so late or early for that matter?” I ask, remembering the nurse trying to get rid of us.

  “Dear, all you have to do is play the doctor card and you can get in any hospital at any hour.”

  I return with a warm smile.

  Ben tells his father and new mother, what the doctor had told us and that she wanted to meet him in the morning.

  “I had no idea that she was harming herself,” Jack says in shock and pain.

  “I know Dad, I know that if you did know something was off you would have gotten her help right away.” Ben offers comforting words to his father. Both men are sitting at the round table and Gwen went off to grab some coffee. We all figured it’s almost morning anyways…

  We all waited in the room and then Dr. Parkers found out that we were all up and here, and she made an early stop in at six a.m. She gave us the rundown again and Jack asked his medical related questions and concerns. Then the topic I was dreading coming up, recovery. Will she have to go into a facility or rehab?

  “We will get into all of that after she wakes up and we have the hospitals psychologist perform a few tests and talk to Caroline.” Dr. Parkers tells us.

  We hear stirring coming from Caroline’s bed and we look over to see her trying to wake up. Ben is the first at her side and takes his sister’s hand. “Caroline, its Ben we are all here.” He assures her.

  Her eyes slowly open and she tries to lift her other arm, the injured one. She cries out when she tries to close her hand. “Hey, hey, easy you’re pretty banged up and plugged in here sis. Just try to lay still.”

  “That’s right baby girl, try to be still and rest.” Jack tells her.

  She licks her dry lips and tries to speak, but her throat it’s too dry to get out anything other than a whisper. “Where am I?” She asks Ben.

  “You are in the hospital Caroline. Do you remember what happened?” He asks her. Ben moves a chair over using his foot so he can sit by his little sister side.

  She closes her eyes and nods.

  “Why?” Ben asks.

  Tears start to fill her eyes and she bites down on her lip. She obviously needs a little more time to talk about this, so I persuade Ben to give his father and Gwen a few moments with her and to go get some more coffee with me at the hospitals coffee bar.

  He reluctantly agrees to come with me.

  Walking through the halls of the hospital I notice the abundance of Christmas decorations. Any other day I would light up at the sight, but this is hardly the place I or anyone else would want to take joy. Sure, if you’re having a baby, but something like this? No way.

  We get to the hospital café hand in hand when I see a six-foot decorated tree. I stop at the sight of it and Ben attempts to keep walking forward, when he is halted to a stop. “Tess?”

  I draw my eyes from the twinkling sight, “Hmm?”

  He joins me at my side and looks at the tree and he shakes his head, “hard to believe we were coming to the city to spend a happy Christmas with my sister. Here we are at her bed side and to think Christmas in just two short days … I thought she was happy, why did she do it?”

  “Ben, you need to give her time to talk about it, you can’t expect her to just tell you everything that she has been keeping inside for God knows how long. If she couldn’t do it all this time, what makes you think it will be easy for her to do it right now?”

  “Because, she needs help, help that I should have been able to give her or offer her, so it wouldn’t go this far! I have been there for her from the beginning. Taking care of her and her not coming to me at all kills me Tess.” He sounds pissed and devastated all at once.

  “I know, but you need to be easy with her right now. She knows that we all know what she did and what she has been doing, now it’s up to her to open up … and to whom.” I tell him.

  We find a small sofa and sit to enjoy or coffee before going back up. I play around with how to tell him what I need to in my head. I haven’t told anyone this ever. No one.

  “Ben…” I stop and bite my lip.

  “Yes babe?” He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear and I rest my hand into his palm.

  I take in a calming breath, “I know what Caroline is going through.”

  Studying me for a moment he asks, “What do you mean?”

  “I was a cutter in high school, even more so after nearly being attacked.”

  His eyes widen and he pulls away briefly and then takes my hand. I go on, “I never went as far as Caroline did, but I don’t think she meant to go so far. It’s always a risk. But I had no control over anything at that point of my life. I was being bashed by my father. I lost all of my friends. And I lost my art dream. Most teens turn to drinking or drugs, not me. I felt control when I felt pain. But once I found music I stopped. That was my wakeup call and one song in-particular, Hold On, by Good Charlotte.”

  “Tess…” I see him eyeing my body, probably trying to figure out where my scars are, considering he has inspected every inch of me.

  “Wondering where my scars are, huh?” I try to ask casually, but I drop my head.

  He places his hand around my wrist and observes it, “Well, yeah. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, I never went too deep, but you can see a few light ones just below my hip.” His hand moves slowly to my hip as we sit and I close my eyes. I feel vulnerable for telling I’m, but at the same time a little freed.

  “I am okay now, but that’s why you need to give Caroline time to figure this out. Just know that I will help talk to her about it, because I have been there.”

  “I really appreciate that Tess. God, I love you and I wish we could have been together in high school.”

  I laugh, “Man, we would have been one messed up pair, with me doing what I was doing and you getting into fights…”

  “I was thinking more along the lines of making out, but whatever…”

  I never would have imagined Tess cutting or being depressed enough to do something like that in her past. I know her Dad really fucked up when she was a kid and she was an outcast in school, but it kills me inside knowing that someone or a group of people could be so cruel to a young girl who was just trying to find herself.

  If I was there when she was in school I would have kicked some major ass, I would have done anything to make sure she was protected and assured that she was beautiful and worthy of all the happiness in the world. But no, no one seems to give a fuck about who they hurt.

  I can see so much of Tess in Caroline. They are both independent and unique, along with passion and drive. Maybe Tess can talk to Caroline, if she won’t talk to me, maybe Tess can help her in some way with her own story.

  Doctor Parkers wanted to meet together in her office today. Yesterday we were all a wreck after all the travel and stress and tears about Caroline that she thought it’d be best to wait until this afternoon to speak about
treatment.

  We are all seated in front of Dr. Beth Parkers large desk and I refuse to let go of Tess’s hand. I am taking in deep settling breaths and I look to my father who just looks a little lost and sad. Gwen rubs his back slightly and I am grateful for her to comfort him. This morning Caroline was up and moving, going to the bathroom on her own and her color looked much better.

  Her roommate had been the one to find her in their dorm room bathroom. She was on the floor collapsed by the sink. She had told the EMT’s that she didn’t know how long she was there for, but that there was a lot of blood and when she screamed for her to wake up, she wouldn’t budge. Hearing the story makes me a little sick and the room started to bow out.

  “Ben? Are you alright?” I hear Tess asking me. I was instructed by Doctor Parkers to put my head between my knees and breathe. She comes to me with a glass of water and I slowly sit up.

  I lean over and assure Tess with a kiss on the cheek, “I am okay, just a lot to take in.”

  “It’s a lot on all of us son,” my dad tells me and I know it’s hard on everyone. I mean fuck my baby sister nearly killed herself.

  The doctor brings our attention to herself and we start to go over Caroline’s treatment. By the end of the meeting my father had asked my opinion on the matter, which surprised me a little and we agreed that she needed to spend a short time in a rehab facility. Not a lockdown kind of place, but a place that will teach her ways to build herself up and how to better manage her depression and stress.

  “Now has she told any of you about what has been happening? Or for how long?” She asks us.

  I shake my head no and Dad answers her with a saddened “no.”

  “I see. That is normal and that is why I suggested the agreed facility back in Seattle, they will help her talk about it and how to heal.”

  “When does she go?” Tess asks.

  “She is cleared to leave this evening. I suggest getting home and having her get some sleep in her own surroundings and I can suggest only one of you to go with her in the morning and I recommend that be her choice. It’s about feeling comforted and safe at this stage.”

  As hard as it is to agree that Caroline needs to have professional help, I know it’s the best and only option. I never took it as far as she did, yes I cut but, it was never as deep or as frequent. I watched a nurse change her bandages and I saw all of the scars, far too many. She needs to get help now before she does it again. Next time she may not be found in time and things could be a lot worse.

  “Tess?” Caroline speaks up as the nurse removes her IV.

  I leave Ben’s side and I walk over to her bed and she pats the bed for me to sit next to her.

  “My doctor told me that I get to choose who I want to go with me to the … rehab to help me get settled in.” She was reluctant on the R word.

  I nod.

  “I want you to go with me Tess.”

  I notice Ben’s head shoot in our direction and I try not to notice his shock. “Why me Caroline?”

  She drops her head and shrugs, “I just trust you and I need a girl to go with me.”

  “What about Gwen?”

  “I love Gwen, but I don’t want a lecture. I don’t want to be fussed over. I just need someone who gets it, because it’s bad enough I have to go.” Her eyes drop to her hands. “But, if you’d rather not…”

  “I would love to.” I jump in, she doesn’t need rejection on something that could bring her comfort right now. I look over my shoulder at Ben who sends me a nod of approval.

  Caroline offers the tiniest of smiles, but it’s a start.

  Caroline has just been discharged and was released in Jack’s care, to fly back. I volunteered to sit with her on the flight back, in case she wanted to talk, but Jack was told to give her a sleeping aid for the flight to keep her relaxed.

  “Here baby girl,” Jack hands Caroline a couple of pills. She retrieves them and pops her head back and takes them down.

  “Thanks Dad.”

  Ben is sitting behind us on the flight, because this plane only has rows of two and I am with Caroline. Jack and Gwen are seated in front of us. I twist in my seat just before the take-off, to give Ben a little kiss. “You okay?” I ask.

  With sad eyes he offers a nod, “Thank you for being with her, in more than one way.”

  I give him a tight smile and lean in for another kiss. He sits back and I return my attention back to Caroline, “How are you?”

  “I’m okay, the pills are starting to take effect.” She rests her head on the back of the seat. I grab a flight attendants attention before she sits for take-off and ask her for a pillow and blanket for Caroline.

  I see her eyes close and I know she is out for the count. The attendant returns with my request. I lightly lift her head and place the small white pillow under it and cover her with the blanket. I see her take a restful breath and I am relieved I could help in that.

  When we touch back down in Seattle it’s late at night and the facility is closed till morning. Caroline wakes up in shock from the landing and panics slightly. “Hey, it’s okay, we just landed.” I take her hand.

  She shakes her head and rubs her eyes, wincing at the movement of her arm. I only offer her a knowing glance and as if reading my mind she tells me, “No, I’m fine, I don’t need any medication.”

  Brave thing.

  Jack and Ben jump to our side in the isle to offer help, and I see her giggle behind her hair, which is around her face. It warms my heart. I start out of my seat and Ben kisses my cheek and whispers, “Would it be okay if we asked Caroline to stay with us till morning and then you can take her in?”

  “I was going to make the same suggestion.”

  I step back to let Jack put his arm around Caroline and help her off of the plane. In the gate that’s when Ben offers to take Caroline. Jack is against it at first, but Caroline insisted as well.

  “But honey, wouldn’t you rather sleep in your own bed? You’ve been in New York for some time and well, you’ll be at…”

  “I know Dad, but I feel the need to be with my brother and it would make more sense so Tess can take me in the morning.” I can see the strain in her eyes, just hoping that he won’t fight her anymore.

  He goes to her and gives her an easy hug and tells her, “Alright honey, get a lot of rest and we will see you on Christmas in a couple of days.” He kisses her forehead, “I love you baby girl.”

  “I love you too Dad and thank you.”

  We walk in to not only Ben’s place but our place and it really is a great feeling to come home together. They say home is where the heart is and Ben could live in a cardboard box and it’d still be my home.

  Ben carries in Caroline’s bags. Jack and Gwen went to her dorm to collect some of her important belongings and packed her a few bags for her stay.

  “You can stay in our room,” I offer.

  “I can stay on the sofa, I don’t want to put you two out.”

  I stride over to Ben and snatch up her bags and head for our room. Ben darts in front of me just before I cross the threshold. “What are you doing?” I ask him.

  He backs into the room and holds up his index finger to Caroline who has followed us, signifying that he wants a minute with me. Ben pulls me in and closes the door.

  “What are you doing?” I ask confused.

  He smirks at me, which does things to my insides. “Um, don’t you think we should take down the birthday gift you gave me?”

  I toss my head back and laugh, “Yeah, you might be right. I don’t think Caroline would appreciate seeing me in all my glory, or knowing that I gave it to her brother.”

  Ben wraps his arms around me and sighs, “Thank you for being amazing through all of this.”

  “You would do it for me.”

  “That’s true. Now, let’s get this sexy piece down, before my baby sister sees it.”

  “I’ll get some clean sheets and make up the bed,” I tell him and as I turn to walk away he smack my butt and I j
ump. “Watch it Bond,” I smirk back at him.

  Ben and I sleep on his pull out black sofa, which is considerably smaller than his king size bed, but I was fine with that, because that meant cuddling extra close.

  I had set my alarm on my phone so I can get myself and Caroline up. I fumble off of the pull out and plop on the floor, what the hell? Then I hear my favorite robust laugh, I lift my head to find Ben in the kitchen making breakfast.

  And coffee.

  “Have a nice fall?” He jokes.

  I hobble over to him and smack him on the chest, “jerk.”

  He grabs me from behind as I make my way to the coffee maker and nuzzles into my neck. I instantly arch back and feel his growing hardness. Then I come too and remember we aren’t alone.

  “Caroline!” I jump and pull away, “I need to get her up and get ready to leave!”

  “Calm down. She is in the shower.”

  “Is she okay to be alone in there?” I ask reluctantly, but we have to be realistic here.

  “Fuck! I don’t know, should I not have let her go in there?” He tugs on his locks in frustration.

  I sigh and think about it, “I think she is okay enough, but I am going to check.” I pad to the bathroom door and I hear the shower going. I knock, “Caroline, you okay?”

  I wait for a response before turn the knob. I creek open the door and ask again, this time I get a response and my heart starts to beat again.

  “Yeah, I’m alright.” She sniffles out.

  Concerned, “Can I come in?”

  “Yes.” She turns off the shower and as I close the door behind me she has the towel wrapped around her and steps out.

  Her bandage is a little damp, “Can I help change your dressings?”

  Looking down at her left arm, she lets out a little sob, “Shit, I can’t do anything right,” she mutters.

  “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Come over to the sink I’ll change them out for you.” I go into the cabinet and pull out the gauze. I slowly remove the damp coverings and toss them in the wastebasket, I notice her wince, “You okay?”