The Diary of a Bookseller

by Bythell, Shaun

  Till total £307.89

  36 customers

  SATURDAY, 5 JULY

  Online orders: 3

  Books found: 3

  Nicky covered the shop again, and since I haven’t heard from her, I am naively assuming that all is well.

  Anna and I drove from London to Taunton on the hottest day of the year. The van has no air-conditioning, and we were stuck on the M25 for three hours.

  Suzie’s wedding was a splendid affair, and everyone turned up to cheer them on. There was dancing and drinking long into the night: my mother had booked a huge holiday house about a mile from the reception, and a dozen or so of us stayed there, including Irish cousins, and my sister Lulu and her husband, Scott. There is always much amusement when we all get together, and people outside the gene pool of the family with whom we are in relationships compare notes about how indecisive all the Bythells are. All of our partners/husbands/wives formed a group and started telling stories about our emotional incompetence; there were frequent hysterics, which were invariably followed by a chorus of ‘mine does that too’.

  Till total £351.46

  35 customers

  MONDAY, 7 JULY

  Online orders: 5

  Books found: 4

  Laurie eventually managed to make it back to work following a week of Pet Rescue with the orphaned kittens.

  Anna and I drove back from Taunton and arrived home to Wigtown before 7 p.m., just in time for a meeting in the County Buildings about a proposed wind farm that is to be built on land at Kirkdale. We went along and objected, on the grounds that it will be clearly visible from Wigtown (across the bay), and it is unclear whether we will be within the eligible zone for the community cash bribe that usually accompanies such enterprises. The predicted annual turnover of the wind farm is somewhere in the region of £30 million, and the amount to be given to the residents (to be decided by committee) is just £100,000, or 0.3 per cent of turnover. As most of the visual impact of the development will be from our side of the bay, we are unlikely to benefit much, if at all, because we are furthest away. Those to whom the wind farm is nearest stand to gain the most, and very few of them will even see it. It has angered a great many people in the Machars.

  Till total £213.48

  17 customers

  TUESDAY, 8 JULY

  Online orders: 3

  Books found: 1

  The first order for a book today was about the history of level crossings.

  Laurie made it in on another beautiful sunny day.

  Much of today was spent editing the video for the Galloway Activity Centre on Loch Ken. When I came downstairs to cover Laurie’s lunch break, she told me that she had been ‘shhh-ed’ by a customer for eating an apple too loudly. Apparently this was shortly followed by some deliberately audible whispering along the lines of ‘Kids today’ and ‘Doesn’t she know that this is a bookshop?’

  A customer brought in three books on music, for which I gave him £10.

  I received an extremely ominous text message from Nicky about working this week. It ended with the words ‘Wait till you see what I have got for you THIS week! You’ll love it!’

  The time has come to replace the van. It has done 172,000 miles, and I have reached the point where I am starting to wonder if it can cope with long journeys, so I went to Wigtown Motor Company and spoke to Vincent about looking for a replacement.

  Till total £254.98

  25 customers

  WEDNESDAY, 9 JULY

  Online orders: 3

  Books found: 3

  Laurie made it in again today, but she had to bring the kittens with her because there was nobody at home to feed them.

  The time may have come for a dreaded visit to the Polish dentist in Stranraer; I awoke with diabolical toothache this morning. My reluctance to visit the dentist is in no way a reflection on his ability as a practitioner, and has more to do with the memory of my last visit, during which he extracted a wisdom tooth. That trauma, however, paled into insignificance when I bumped into an old friend and two of her young children in Morrisons supermarket shortly afterwards. They all looked terrified. When I got back home and checked in the mirror, I understood why. Most of my face was frozen in a stroke-like state from the anaesthetic, and my chin was covered in blood, much of which had dribbled onto my shirt.

  The depressed Welsh woman phoned again, the usual disappointment in her voice before I had even replied that there is nothing in stock for her.

  Till total £334.99

  28 customers

  THURSDAY, 10 JULY

  Online orders: 3

  Books found: 2

  Laurie in again today, yet another beautiful day.

  Among the emails this morning were two, both from angry customers, each of whom complained that they had received the wrong book in the post. The customer who had ordered a book on bullfighting had instead received a book on creative candle-making, and the creative candlemaker had received the book on bullfighting. Despite the fact that we have agreed to refund them and rectify the mistake, the bullfighter left negative feedback on Amazon with the following comment:

  The book listed above, which I ordered, was not sent. Instead a book called Creative Candlemaking was sent by mistake. The 2 books could not be more different in content. I have contacted the suppliers – Wigtown Book Shop – to inform them of this mistake. They have acknowledged and have agreed to send the correct book when I return the book I did not order.

  Vincent called to say that he has found a van in Inverary that has 50,000 miles on the clock and is £10,000, so I will speak to the bank about setting up another loan.

  Till total £89.29

  14 customers

  FRIDAY, 11 JULY

  Online orders: 2

  Books found: 2

  Nicky was back on duty again today – another beautiful sunny day marred only by her presence. She announced this morning that she will no longer participate in the videos we’ve been making for Facebook, in which she expounds her wisdom on various subjects, to the enormous amusement of the people who follow the shop’s page, because I changed one after we had agreed on a final cut. She has, however, agreed to do the filming and make me the victim.

  I found a customer in the garden, gazing into the pond, despite the gate with a ‘Private’ sign that she would have had to open before she could get near to it.

  A customer brought three books to the counter, pointed to two of them and said, ‘I’ll take those two; you’ll have to put that one back on the shelf.’ He subsequently asked if he could pay for the two books that he wanted with Tesco Clubcard points.

  Till total £149.90

  14 customers

  SATURDAY, 12 JULY

  Online orders: 2

  Books found: 2

  Nicky was in once again. The weather has turned and is now damp and dreich.

  The online orders are becoming fewer and fewer: possibly another problem with Monsoon.

  Today was the start of Wigtown Civic Week, and Tam Dingwall, the former landlord of The Galloway, the pub directly across the square from my shop, marked the occasion by singing ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ to a small group of drizzled youths in the town square. Civic Week is one of the highlights of Wigtown’s calendar. It involves all manner of curious activities and is squarely aimed at the local population, rather than tourists. There are quizzes, activities for children (such as a muddy nature walk on the salt-marsh), a raft race and all sorts of small town festivities, including the slightly anachronistic crowning of the Wigtown Princess. There are prizes for all manner of wonderful things, such as Best Decorated Toilet Roll. It feels very much like travelling back to the 1950s.

  A customer asked one of his companions where the philosophy section was. He replied, ‘I don’t know, you’ll have to ask the chappie.’ Chappie? I don’t think so.

  An elderly man brought in a box of books that contained a Victorian family Bible. There is little demand for these nowadays, if there ever was. This one cont
ained a handwritten letter dated 22 February 1879 and addressed from Carnwath:

  Dear Mother we write

  with the greatest delight

  our promise to you to fulfill

  so we’re here safe and sound

  on the old honoured ground

  and we cannot complain very ill.

  I am happy to tell

  that our friends are all well

  and hope you are all still the same

  When Marion’s away

  Now mind what I say

  Take care of yourself we shall blame

  Janet means to go down

  To that great big town

  with Aleck on Monday forenoon

  She’s all ready to go

  so this lets you know

  She’ll be back to Carluke very soon.

  Yours affectionately,

  Maggie.

  Old letters are not unusual things to find in books, but one written in rhyme is rare. I once bought a copy of The Seven Pillars of Wisdom that contained over a hundred letters of condolence to a widow, many of which were from people who had never met her, but whose lives had been touched by her late husband. My curiosity is always piqued by such things, and it is hard not to speculate about who these people were, both the senders and the recipients.

  Till total £367.91

  33 customers

  MONDAY, 14 JULY

  Online orders: 6

  Books found: 5

  Laurie made it in today. Clearly a family member is on kitten duty. Shortly after she had arrived, a customer came to the counter and said, ‘Good morrow to you, sir! Would you mind, perchance, directing me towards any of your shelves which might contain any books on the subject of military history?’

  The shelves were particularly untidy by the end of the day, an inevitable consequence of a multitude of children being in the shop. Some parents think that it is acceptable to let their offspring run riot around the shop, disturbing other customers and leaving a trail of devastation. Most, though, are fine and the children well behaved. There is an instinct that appears common to all boys of four years old when presented with a shelf of books, the spines neatly lined up with the edge of the shelf. They seem incapable of resisting the urge to push them back as far as they can, against the back of the bookcase. The sight of a neatly lined row of books is irresistible to small boys, and they can no more control their desire to make a mess of them than they can suppress the urge to pull a cat’s tail or jump in a puddle.

  Nicky reminded me recently that she thinks that my insistence on keeping the place ordered and tidy is some form of OCD and genuinely believes that customers like piles of books all over the floor and don’t really much care for them being organised by subject or category.

  Till total £223.98

  21 customers

  TUESDAY, 15 JULY

  Online orders: 2

  Books found: 2

  Laurie was in charge again today. She came up to the office, where I was working, to tell me that a customer had brought in a print of Wigtown. It was a handsome framed print from the mid-nineteenth century and showed architectural features of the town that are no longer there. He wanted £50, which I was more than happy to give to him.

  Callum and I are planning to go sailing tomorrow if the weather is good. Last year he bought a Hurley 22, a small sailing boat that claims to be four-berth, but which in reality would be uncomfortable for four small children, let alone two men, each over six feet tall.

  Till total £374.96

  37 customers

  WEDNESDAY, 16 JULY

  Online orders: 3

  Books found: 2

  Laurie arrived on time, but the sailing trip that Callum had planned was dependent on fine weather, and this morning it was pouring with rain, so he telephoned to say that we should postpone until it improves, so I didn’t bother to pack or get organised. The moment the sun came out, he appeared without warning, ready to go, so I asked Laurie to pack and process the random books, and tell Wilma that they’re ready for collection when she drops off the mail sacks from today’s orders.

  There are gaps appearing on the shelves, now that customers have started to come out of hibernation and are spending money – the Folio section and the railway section are particularly lean.

  I packed hastily and said goodbye to Laurie, and we drove to Stranraer. We set sail at 1 p.m. and headed for Ailsa Craig, an uninhabited island in the Irish Sea, where we arrived at 7 p.m. The afternoon was cloudless and sunny, with the golden-orange sun silhouetting the island as we arrived. We moored at the pier and went ashore to explore the ruined buildings and old railway. Ailsa Craig is all that remains of an ancient volcanic plug. It is a granite lump off the Ayrshire coast. In its long history it has been a refuge for Catholic recusants in the sixteenth century, and is known locally as ‘Paddy’s Milestone’, partly because it is half-way between Glasgow and Belfast, and partly because of the folkloric tradition which pitched two fighting giants against one another: one Irish, one Scottish. According to the legend, they threw rocks at one another, and Ailsa Craig was the last rock thrown.

  Callum and I sat in the cockpit of his boat drinking beer until about midnight, watching as thousands of small jellyfish drifted by, occasionally disturbing the surface and making rings as though someone had dropped a pebble in the otherwise flat calm sea. I slept in one of the tiny berths at the back of the boat, which felt uncomfortably like being in a coffin.

  Till total £242.49

  19 customers

  THURSDAY, 17 JULY

  Online orders: 3

  Books found: 3

  We awoke at about 9 a.m. and went to explore the island further. We walked first to the northern foghorn, then I climbed to the summit, stopping to have a look at the castle on the way up. Callum stayed with the boat and anti-fouled the hull. I returned to the boat at about 1 p.m. and went for a swim before setting off for Lamlash. While I was at the summit of Ailsa Craig, I saw a boat motoring slowly towards Callum’s boat, as if it intended to pull up and say hello. As it drew closer, I noticed it abruptly changed course and headed towards Girvan. When I returned to the boat, Callum was inside making a cup of tea. I mentioned to him that the other boat appeared to have taken a strange turn and he explained, ‘Oh, that. After you’d headed up to the summit, I decided that I’d anti-foul the hull in the nude, since there was nobody about. I didn’t hear that boat approaching, and I was hauling myself on board to get a brush, inadvertently pointing my bare arse right at them. It was only when I got back in the water that I noticed the boat, but by that time they were gone.’

  We set off for Arran at 2 p.m., in an intermittent wind, so we motored and sailed, depending on what was most favourable.

  We arrived at Lamlash at about 7 p.m., accompanied by a pod of porpoises. Callum inflated the tender, and we rowed ashore to The Drift Inn for a meal and a few drinks before heading back to the boat for the night.

  Till total £102

  11 customers

  FRIDAY, 18 JULY

  Online orders: 0

  Books found: 0

  Explored Holy Island just off Lamlash.

  3 p.m. message from Laurie to say that there is a power cut.

  Till total £389.45

  29 customers

  SATURDAY, 19 JULY

  Online orders: 0

  Books found: 0

  I got back to the shop from the sailing trip at 4 p.m. to a startled Nicky, who had no idea when we were due to return. She was visibly upset to see me home safely. After I had shut the shop, a man telephoned to say that he is moving into a care home from his house, and wants to sell his book collection. He lives just outside Kelso, in a small village. I have arranged to visit him towards the end of the month.

  Till total £288.98

  38 customers

  MONDAY, 21 JULY

  Online orders: 0

  Books found: 0

  Laurie was in today, a lovely sunny day.

  Monsoon was stil
l not working, probably a consequence of the power cut on Friday, so I emailed their tech support team.

  The first customer of the day was an Irish woman, who turned up at the shop at 9.09 a.m. and asked, ‘Tell me now, does everything in Scotland open at 10 a.m.?’

  After work I went to a meeting organised by the council, chaired by someone called ‘The Shop Doctor’, whose job it is to help retailers improve their businesses. It turned out to be a complete waste of time, and I spent three pointless hours being tortured by his PowerPoint presentation, an abomination rich with revelatory insights like ‘If you keep your door open, more customers will come in than if it is closed’ and ‘The name of your business should reflect what you sell’. Well, I think I managed to nail that one. There’s not a lot of ambiguity about ‘The Book Shop’. I reached my limit and left when he showed a series of photographs of seriously run-down shops and asked us – like a group of pre-school children – ‘Can anybody see what’s wrong with this one?’ By this point everyone was seething, and for a brief moment I feared a lynching, a fear that rapidly became a hope the moment he addressed me. ‘You. You’ve been very quiet. What do you think is wrong with this shop front?’ he oozed, as his projector clicked to a photograph of a shop with no sign, a smashed window and a burned-out car in front of it.

  Till total £187.60

  30 customers

  TUESDAY, 22 JULY

  Online orders: 4