The Firsts Series Box Set

by M. J. Fields

  I kiss the side of her head as she laughs and cries into my neck, then whispers, “I’m a mess.”

  “You’re a bit, irrational.”

  She bites my shoulder. “Emotional.”

  “Crazy,” I chuckle.

  She comes back with, “Passionate.”

  “Such a fucking lawyer,” I laugh.

  She leans back and looks at me. “And a good wife?”

  “The best.” I grab her face when she tries to look away.

  She looks up at the ceiling as her lip trembles. “Good mom?”

  “So damn good I want a dozen more.”

  She laughs as another tear falls, then clears her throat and says, “I just fucked up as a daughter.”

  “You said what you needed to say. Send her a message. Tell her your truths and wrap it up with a beautiful lie.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Mom, I love you, I just don’t understand. I’m sorry, but no matter how old we are, we still need our mothers. And end it with I forgive you.”

  She squints those baby blues and nods. “But will I?”

  “Yeah, Ava, you will, because not one of us truly knows answers to all the whys in the world. When people aren’t forthcoming, we still gotta keep moving and live our lives. And hate, my beautiful, perfect, amazing wife, mother, sister, daughter, stains the soul. Don’t let it happen.”

  She nods.

  Sitting in the waiting room, Ava keeps looking at her phone. I know she’s waiting for a reply from Ashley and I’d be a lying asshole if I said I was just as anxious because I don’t want my wife to regret sending it.

  I’m anxious as fuck and know if I sit here much longer, she’ll catch on, and my job is to soothe her.

  I stand. “Anyone want coffee?”

  Brody looks away from the tablet he and Emma are looking at for venues for a wedding they seem to be planning rather quickly, even though London is nowhere to be seen.

  “Coffee pot’s right there, Luke.”

  “Yeah, it sucks and doesn’t have decaf.” I look down at Ava. “I’ll be back.”

  “Donuts too?”

  “Of course.” I bend down and kiss the top of her head. “Be right back.”

  Outside the room, I stretch and then look at my watch. It’s been two hours with no update.

  I hear London and walk down the hall to see if she has any requests.

  When I hear her say, Ashley, I stop real fucking quick.

  “He’s fine, he hit his hand wrong on the steering wheel of his truck.”

  The fuck he did, he beat the shit out of it.

  “I promise to call as soon as he’s out. It’s really no big deal.” She pauses. “Ashley, he knows you’d be here if you could, and we plan to come down next weekend and see you again.”

  See you again? What the fuck is going on?

  “He loves you and so do I.”

  Pause.

  “Faith?” She coos our daughter’s name. “She’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. She looks like you,” she laughs. “Well, as I expressed before, I think you underestimate Ava’s strength, but understand—” Pause. “I know, I know. We love you, Ashley, and will see you soon.”

  Pause.

  “I promise.”

  As soon as she hangs up, she slides down the wall and sits on the hallway floor. With the phone now on her lap, she covers her face and starts to silently sob into her hands.

  Something tells me to leave it the fuck alone, it would be easier, but I never took the easy path.

  I walk over and sit next to her. When she looks up, I hand her a tissue I pull from my pocket.

  “Thanks?” She takes it.

  “London,” I sigh.

  “Luke, please don’t ask.”

  “London,” I begin again.

  “I’ll lie. I’ll lie to you, and I hate lying. So please, don’t ask.”

  “Our parents are cousins,” I remind her.

  “And our spouses are siblings, so?” She shrugs and shakes her head.

  “Blood is—”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Blood isn’t thicker than water.” She shakes her head. “I mean, in the literal sense, yes, but loyalty to one’s spouse, that’s thicker than blood.”

  “Stop talking in circles.” I try to remain calm.

  “Logan is my husband, I will always be Team Logan.”

  “And Ava is my wife.”

  She smiles big and fake as hell. “See, blood isn’t—”

  “I’m one hell of a man to have on a team, London.”

  “Is that a threat?”

  “No, it’s an offer. Clearly, this involves those we love. And clearly, I’m not privy to some shit that I need to be in order to protect my wife, who by the way is trying to protect her brother.”

  “I know, God, Luke, I know.” She covers her face and sighs. “Can we please get through Logan’s surgery?”

  “Yeah, of course, but, London-.”

  “He can’t keep living this lie, it’s tearing him apart,” she whispers.

  “A lie meaning you and he go visit Ashley? London, that would thrill Ava. I don’t—”

  I stop when she looks at me. The look is haunting and bone-chilling. “London.”

  “Give me twenty-four hours, Luke, I need to talk to him.” She pushes herself up. “But, Luke.” She stops and looks down, her eyebrows knit together as she tugs at the cardigan she’s wearing. “Has Ava truly healed? Is she strong now?”

  “She’s always been strong.”

  “But not unbreakable,” she whispers. “And neither is he.”

  I pull her in and give her a hug and remind her, “We Rosses are.”

  “Stronger than steel?”

  “You bet your ass we are.”

  Story to tell

  Ava

  I wrap my arm around my sister-in-law’s shoulder. “He’s gonna wake up soon.”

  She pulls her hand from her mouth, stopping herself from chewing off the rest of her nails.

  “I just don’t understand why he hasn’t yet.” She swallows hard.

  She steps away from me and toward Logan where he lies in recovery.

  Sitting in the chair beside his bed, she holds his good hand.

  “Hey,” she kisses it. “I know you’re tired. But I’m pretty sure Mom and Brody, Emma, and your dad have planned our wedding in record time. I think the idea of an Orange and Navy theme is interesting and all, but… seriously?” She kisses his hand. “So yeah, and this hospital bed is fab, but pushing you down the aisle in it, kind of takes away the chance for me to be the center of attention, and you know how much I love that.”

  Now I laugh, and she sighs. “So, they said, you actually woke up during surgery. That they had to further sedate you, and I’m cool with a couple more hours of sleep, Logan, but this is a bit much. I need you to wake up. And so does everyone else. Ava’s here and her boobs keep leaking. Jade and Ryan have Faith, but—”

  “Tell him that he said my name while he was under,” I laugh.

  “Oh, he and I will discuss that. I mean, really? What about me?” she jokes, but I think it hurts her.

  I immediately regret saying it. “He probably just said my name as people to be aware of.”

  She looks back at me and smiles. “He loves you, Ava. He said your name because he truly loves you.”

  “Well, I knew years ago he was totally into you.”

  “Yeah, well, he didn’t,” she smiles. “Until I grew boobs and that threw him into a tailspin.”

  “As you knew it would,” I point out.

  She shrugs. “Gotta do, what you gotta do.”

  She stands and carefully climbs onto Logan’s hospital bed and lies her head on his shoulder.

  “I can stay here if you’d like to meet the others out in the Logan lounge for dinner.”

  She wraps her arm around his stomach. “I’m not hungry.”

  “You have to eat something, it’s nearly tomorrow.”<
br />
  “I’ll eat when he does.”

  I walk over and kiss her cheek, then Logan’s. “You know where we’ll be. Please—”

  She interrupts me with a look. “When he wakes up, I’ll let you know. I promise.”

  Walking out of Logan’s room, I am overwhelmed with fear.

  Leaving him while he’s still asleep reminds me of Thomas, and I know it’s irrational. He had to be heavily sedated, he wasn’t… on life support, or dead, or…

  My stomach lurches, and I hurry to the bathroom expecting to vomit.

  Pushing the heavy wooden door open, I run to the sink, and it happens.

  I feel hands pulling my hair into a ponytail, and I don’t give a damn who it is as I throw up again.

  “Ava,” My whispered name and the sigh that follows is unmistakably my husband’s.

  “I’m sorry.” I turn on the water to rinse the sink as my body breaks out into a cold sweat, and I know I’m going to throw up again.

  “He’s going to be fine. Tessa is all over the nurses and the doctor. She’s read his charts even.”

  He rubs my back as I rest my head on the cold countertop.

  “He’s going to be fine,” he whispers.

  I cup some water and rinse my mouth. “I know.”

  He grabs some paper towels and runs them under the sink, then hands them to me.

  I take them, wipe my face, and ask, “Did you bring the bag? I have a toothbrush and—”

  “If you sit down, I’ll go get it. I don’t want you to fall.”

  An hour later, a nurse walks into the waiting room. “Mrs. Links wanted me to let you know he’s awake, but it will be a little bit before he’s ready for company.”

  I stand. “How long?”

  “Well, the doctor is—”

  I cut her off, “Tessa, go.”

  Tessa stands, and so does Dad.

  “We’ll let you know when—”

  “No disrespect, but my wife is a nurse, and my son will have no problem with her talking to his doctors.”

  Dad and Tessa walk past her and out of the waiting room.

  She looks clearly annoyed, and it pisses me off. “This is what family does.”

  I look at Luke, and he smiles. “Your color’s back.”

  “That’s because I’m now breathing again.” He squeezes my hand.

  Walking into Logan’s room, I close my eyes and silently thank God. He’s sitting up, and he’s got one of his damn hats on. London is feeding him what I think is soup, and he’s unaware of anyone else in the room which should be impossible since there are three giant-sized men, and me and Emma, joining the Circus.

  “You look good,” Emma smiles and he looks over at her.

  His eyes squint slightly, and he looks torn, “Thanks.”

  “Show them the claw,” London goads him.

  His eyes never leave Emma’s when he replies to London, “I’m not sure any of them will find it as amusing as you do, London, it’s kind of gross.”

  “No way, you look like a superhero, with a bionic hand.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He says it to Emma, but London thinks he’s talking to her. Emma nods and smiles.

  “I’m only going to say it once more, and to hell with whatever anyone else thinks.” She grabs his chin, turns him toward her, “You were under way too much stress. You took it out on Betty—”

  “And the football field,” Lucas adds.

  I watch as Logan swallows hard and London’s eyes mist over. “It ends today, and they will all have to deal with it in whatever way they choose, but they will remember we’re family and we’re people of our words, and we’re—”

  Logan takes in a deep breath. “I know, let’s do this.”

  “Let’s.”

  Logan looks at all of us. “I have a story to tell you all, but like a story, it has to go in chapters. I need to speak to my sister—”

  London interrupts, “And Luke.”

  “And Luke,” he agrees. “Alone first.”

  “Then Mom and Dad.”

  “And what about us?” Dad asks.

  Logan squints his eyes closed as if he’s in pain. “Later.”

  I look at Dad, and he’s clearly dumbstruck, hurt even.

  “Alright, let’s clear the room.” Tessa wraps her arm around Dad. “Come on, hot stuff.”

  I watch them all walk out of the room, and when Dad looks back, I see worry, and I hate that for him, but this is what Logan wants, and he clearly has some things to get off his chest.

  Hurt

  Logan

  My hand is throbbing, but I know as soon as I let them give me something for the pain, I’ll be out. And the pain in my heart far surpasses the physical.

  “I have no fucking clue how to ease into this shit.” I exhale.

  “Then let me start,” London says sweetly.

  “It’s my responsibility.”

  “And you’re mine.”

  She looks at Ava. “When we were in New York—”

  “No, that’s not how it started, it’s when I went to New York, when I tried to contact her and—”

  “Mom?” Ava asks.

  “Ava.” I let go of London’s hand and reach for hers. “Will you come sit, please?”

  Luke grabs a chair and pushes it to the side of my bed. London told me what went down while I was in surgery. He’s prepared for something big. But he has no idea how fucking big.

  Ava sits and takes my hand. “I tried to see her after I graduated. Wanted to mend fences and Robert turned me away. When I gave him a little hell, she came out of her room and basically told me she loved me but wanted me to go.”

  “That bitch!” Ava snaps.

  I cringe. “No, Ava, she’s not a bitch.”

  “She told you, her favorite child, to—”

  “Oh, for fuck sake, Ava, I’m not her favorite.”

  “Always have been.” She crosses her arms over her chest.

  London takes over, “He told me about it after the, um… shooting. Then we had our New York City date, from the fundraiser, I meddled. I told her off.”

  “Good for you,” Ava laughs and wipes away a tear I hadn’t noticed had fallen.

  London nudges me. “You want to go on, or should I?”

  “We got a call after we saw Waitress,” I pause.

  “We were about to have sex for the first time.” London blushes and Ava giggles. “But we didn’t because Logan was upset that… I meddled.”

  “I’m glad you did, but sorry she interrupted your first—”

  I stop the awkward as hell conversation and redirect, “Okay, back on task.”

  My throat grows thick, my eyes burn, and my chest tightens. “You can’t fucking hate me.”

  “I would never hate you, Loggie.”

  “You need to understand I was only trying to protect you and keep my word to her.”

  When I can’t go on, London steps in, “He’s wanted to tell you a hundred times. He even told her that, but she thought you’d been through enough.”

  “Why would she think I’d be pissed if she knew you two had mended fences? I mean, hello, I—”

  “She’s sick, Ava.” My voice cracks and a tear falls. “She’s got cancer and—”

  “Wait, what?” Ava gasps.

  “I wanted to tell you but…”

  “She’s my mother!”

  London steps in, even though I told her not to when Ava lost her shit. I needed them to still be on good terms. So, if she turned away from me, London would still be part of her life. “Ava, he’s trying to explain—”

  Ava interrupts her, “What kind of cancer?”

  I look up and see her angry blue eyes. “Brain.”

  “What are they doing for it?” Ava starts to stand, and Luke puts his hands on her shoulders stopping her.

  She looks up at him, angry, scared, nervous. “Let him talk, listen, and then we ask all the questions you need answered.”

  I don’t wait for her to conti
nue, I tell her every last detail I know. “Six and a half years ago, they found a tumor in her brain.”

  Ava sobs and covers her mouth.

  I continue, “The year she got the baseball to the head and Dad took her to the ER.”

  She nods.

  “She was pissed because he was overreacting.”

  “But he wasn’t,” she sniffs.

  “No, he was.” I almost laugh.

  “That’s the same thing Ashley said,” London whispers, and I nod. “Go on, Logan.”

  “She continued having headaches but ignored them. When she went to the doctor for a yearly exam, she mentioned the headaches. They did a scan, and she was told she had a tumor that was not active, but it did call for a scan every six months to monitor it. She didn’t tell Dad because of chronic overreacting and because she knew it would be Tessa he would go to about it. She confided in Robert, who apparently is an equivalent to Dad’s Tess, still a very close friend, who she dated off and on for a few years. They got close again, he helped her cope. The last scan was six months before Tessa and Dad got back together.”

  I don’t want her to personalize the next part, but she will. “I’ve mind-fucked the ways my playing baseball would have caused her cancer.”

  “You know that’s not true,” Ava sniffs again.

  “I know, and I want you to remember that nothing you have done, said, or any of the bullshit could have caused or prevented it. The mind-fucking is bullshit, we all do it, so you have to promise not to, for your husband and kids, you won’t do that.”

  “Of course,” she nods.

  “The next scan was when you were at the Cape with Harper. The time Dad came to get you.”

  She nods.

  “The scan results came in, and the doctor asked her to come to his office. When she walked in, Robert was waiting for her. He and her doctor are friends. She was told it had grown significantly. Mom and I stayed at the shore for a few days. She let Dad believe it was because she was angry about him saying Tessa should have stayed with him, which she was, but she was also trying to process the news. But when Collin died, she said she knew he’d do what was right, stay with her. And she also knew she needed to get through the medical part of all this, the treatments. She found herself wanting Robert to be the one she went through it with. She needed to put herself first. She needed someone who would do the same.”