I Hate To Love You: A Contemporary Gay Romance

by Oliver, J. P.

  Perfect posture, perfect manners, perfect everything.

  It was infuriating. Maybe that’s why I didn’t like him. There was no doubt in my mind he thought I was beneath him.

  I decided to follow suit and stand up from the table to introduce myself to Drew’s fiancé, just to be polite I shook his hand, forcing a smile onto my lips. Christian’s grip was firm, warm palm against mine. He had no idea I was in love with his future husband, and his unassuming and friendly manner made me want to keep it that way. Upon further inspection, I realized this guy was everything I wasn’t. Super dashing, defined, and definitely earning a bigger paycheck than me judging by the fancy gold Rolex he wore on his left wrist.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you guys in person,” he said. “Drew literally never shuts up about you guys.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me,” I joked, managing to keep my voice level. “He has zero social life.”

  “Ha, ha, very funny,” said Drew dryly.

  We all took a seat once more, Christian moving to take his rightful place next to Drew. It made sense that they’d want to sit together, but I wasn’t exactly happy to be so accommodating. I wound up sitting next to Mason. Or, judging by the way he literally leaned away, trapped him inside the booth. I caught a whiff of his cologne, something sweet, but not too overbearing. He must have been doing pretty well for himself to be able to afford something that expensively divine. I wouldn’t expect anything less of Mason Stick-Up-His-Ass Neal.

  Drew threaded his fingers between Christian’s, leaning against him with a warmth and giddy familiarity that left me feeling like absolute shit. It hurt to see him like this, to feel like there was a giant hole where my chest should be. It wasn’t fair, but I knew I only had myself to blame. I never had the guts, didn’t have the balls to tell Drew how I really felt. I waited too long to man up, and now this was the universe’s way of telling me to suck it.

  Fuck you, too, universe.

  “How did you two meet?” asked Mason, voice soft and low in timbre. There was a lilt to the way he spoke, a musicality to his pronunciation that reminded me of the way a parent speaks to their adored child.

  “We met while I was on business in Spain,” explained Drew. “I was trying to organize a property buyout for my firm–”

  “And I was the lawyer trying to talk Drew into paying more on behalf of the property owner,” finished Christian with a grin.

  Oh, would you look at that? They were the kind of couple who finished each other’s sentences.

  Gross.

  “He kept giving me googly eyes,” continued Drew, giggling like an elated little schoolboy.

  I wondered if Mason hated me enough to stab me in the chest with his steak knife. He’d be doing me a huge favor, and I’d gladly stand still for him while he took a swing. A knife to the chest was probably going to be easier than having to watch Drew fawn all over his fiancé.

  “I couldn’t ask him out while we were stuck in negotiations,” Christian picked up.

  “So, the moment business was taken care of, he asked me out on a date.”

  “I took him to see all the touristy spots.”

  “Hey,” said Drew quickly, nudging Christian in the ribs with his elbow, “remember that homeless guy by the subway?”

  Christian threw his head back and laughed. “Baked beans,” he answered, thoroughly amused.

  Oh, great. They even had inside jokes, too.

  I wanted to vomit.

  Their chorus of laughter eventually faded away. Christian looked at Drew dreamily, eyes practically sparkling as he spoke. “When his trip was about to end, I knew I couldn’t just let him leave,” he explained.

  Yes, you could have. Drew could have come back to New York to me and everything would have been fine. I probably would have gathered up the courage to tell him the truth by then. It could have been me sitting next to him, arm slung around his shoulder. It could have been me who promised to make him happy forever and always.

  “He proposed to me at the airport,” said Drew. “Isn’t that adorable?”

  “Yeah,” I mumbled. I didn’t sound very convincing, but Drew and Christian didn’t seem to notice.

  “Congratulations, you two,” said Mason. “This is great news.”

  I wished Mason would stop being so optimistic all the time. He was always like that, always trying to find the good where I saw none. Did he do this just to annoy me?

  Because it was definitely working.

  “So, what do you say? Will you two be my best men?” asked Drew.

  “I’d be more than honored,” Mason answered. Perfect. Prim. Proper.

  Drew turned to look at me, expectant. I breathed in slowly, quietly noting the tension in my neck and shoulders. I could feel the start of a headache looming just around the corner. I swallowed my pride and nodded. I wanted him to be happy. Drew deserved as much. Who was I to tell him no?

  “Of course,” I finally answered. “Anything for you.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Mason glance at me. There was a flash of concern in his expression, but I ignored him. I always did that, pretended he wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to deal with him and his critical looks. When we were kids, he’d get frustrated easily and leave to be by himself. It was a neat little trick I picked up whenever I just didn’t feel like being in the same room as Mr. Perfect.

  “When’s the wedding?” he asked after a moment, returning his attention to the happy couple.

  “In three months,” answered Christian.

  “But that’s so soon,” Mason protested. “Do you even have a venue picked out? Invitation list? Did you book a band already?”

  Drew chuckled, tilting his head to rest against Christian’s bulky shoulder. The guy could definitely bench more than me, judging by the size of his deltoids. “That’s why I’m going to need your help. I’ve got a few things together already, but I’m hoping that the two of you can work together to set up the reception party. Give me a proper send-off, you know?” He threw me a quick wink.

  My heart lodged itself in my throat.

  “Work together?” I scoffed. I didn’t really mean to say that. The words just fell out of my mouth before my brain could register what was happening. It was, I’ll admit, harsher than necessary. But I honestly wasn’t in the mood to put up a polite front.

  “The hell is that supposed to mean?” snapped Mason, frowning.

  “Look, Drew, I love you, dude,” I really love you, “but you know as well as I do that working with him isn’t exactly a good idea.”

  “I agree,” Mason snorted as he folded his arms defensively across his chest. “I can take care of everything far more effectively alone. I don’t think Liam exactly has the organizational skills to pull something like a reception party off.”

  “Say that to my fucking face, asshole,” I growled.

  Mason turned in his seat to face me head-on. The brazen son of a bitch had the audacity to smirk. He wasn’t the cowering little nerd I remembered him to be anymore.

  “You don’t have what it takes,” he said clearly.

  I clenched my fist, overwhelmed by the sudden urge to punch Mason square in the middle of his nose. But I held back, ever-aware that Drew was just across from me, watching in partial frustration. I couldn’t let this guy get the better of me, not anymore. I wasn’t young enough to throw a temper tantrum and get away with it. We were all adults here, and I needed to act like one, no matter how much Mason managed to dig himself under my skin and hit all the right nerves that would normally send me flying off the deep end. Drew would probably never forgive me if I hurt his friend, even if that friend was an insufferable know-it-all.

  “Guys, please,” interrupted Drew with a sigh. “Calm down. It’s just a party. I’m sure you two can avoid killing each other long enough to plan one.”

  “Sorry,” replied Mason like it was nothing. He turned away from me, relaxing his broad shoulders and taking a deep breath. “I’m sure… I’m sure w
e can make things work.”

  “Yeah,” I mumbled pathetically. “We’ll plan it, I guess.”

  Drew nodded appreciatively. “Thanks, guys. You’re the best.”

  Christian cleared his throat, tried to help the conversation move along. “Shall we order? I’m starving.”

  I didn’t know if I had it in me to last through an entire dinner with the man I loved sitting across from me next to his fiancé, and my mortal enemy just to my right. I would honestly rather be anywhere else than here. But by some miracle, my phone dinged in my pocket. I quickly pulled the device out and checked the screen. It was just an email notification informing me that my Netflix subscription renewed, but the rest of the dinner party didn’t need to know that.

  “Oh, shit,” I said.

  “What?” inquired Drew, curious.

  “Look, I’m sorry to bail, but there’s an emergency at work,” I lied as fluidly as possible. Sometimes I think I could have gone into acting.

  “Aren’t you a freelancer?” interrogated Mason.

  I frowned at him. What did a guy have to do to get him to shut up for once?

  “One of my clients needs me,” I said hurriedly as I stood up. “Tomorrow’s their website’s launch day, but it looks like they’ve run into a few problems. It’s too important to brush off.” I shrugged my shoulders, trying to seem as casual about everything as possible. “Sorry, dude.”

  “It’s okay,” said Drew. “I understand.”

  Of course he did. He was such a great guy. God, I hated myself so much. How could I have messed up this badly?

  “I guess I’ll get in touch later?” asked Mason.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I answered quickly, already turning on my heels. “Cool. Sounds good.” I gave Drew, and by extension the rest of the table, a lame little wave. “See you later.”

  I found myself outside in the parking lot faster than a speeding bullet. I immediately unlocked my car, slipped into the driver’s seat, and inhaled sharply. The night air was so cold that it burned, freezing my nose, stabbing icicles into the soft tissue of my lungs. And all I did was sit there and let it hurt. It was easier to concentrate on the sensation of my body freezing than admit to myself just how much pain I was in.

  I twisted the car keys in the ignition and listened to the engine rumble to life. I swallowed at the dryness in my throat, felt the awful weight of my heavy tongue in my mouth. I knew a few dive bars in the area, places I had learned to avoid ever since my wilder NYU college days. But today, I didn’t care. I desperately needed a drink –maybe two– before I started feeling better. Maybe I’d sit at the bar and let someone buy me a shot. Or ten. Because right now, I would do anything to forget the evening I just had. I would do anything to forget that the man I had loved for so long was now in love with someone else. I was too late. And it was entirely my fault.

  I pulled my car out of the parking lot and started to drive in an anxious need to let my mind wander off with the taste of alcohol in my mouth, and maybe the taste of a stranger on my tongue.

  3

  Mason

  [Drew] i texted liam ur phone number. have u heard from him about the party yet?

  [Mason] No, but I’m not surprised. He’s always been irresponsible.

  [Drew] did he seem a little off to u? at dinner, I mean.

  To be perfectly honest, I hadn’t noticed anything different about Liam. He was as snarky and brash as he’d always been. I was actually relieved when he left early. Having to endure an entire evening sitting directly next to him would have been something straight out of one of my nightmares. Especially considering how fantastic he smelled, like a combination of pine, rich soil, and fresh mountain air. Pure, unadulterated torture.

  I rolled my head, stretching the tight muscles in my neck before texting back my response.

  [Mason] No.

  I always had Fridays scheduled off, but I was still technically on call in case the team at the studio needed me for anything. Sitting in the living room on my black leather sofa, I sat with my feet resting upon the glass coffee table that took up the space between me and the TV. I had it turned on to the early morning news. The anchor had a comically massive mug of coffee before him, the news network’s logo printed onto its surface.

  He was going over the details of a recently closed assault case. This was New York, so stories like these were unfortunately commonplace. Some poor woman was stalked and assaulted in her own home by her bitter ex-boyfriend. The police had no trouble tracking him down, keeping him locked away because the sorry piece of shit couldn’t make bail. He would be serving several years in prison, and the woman would luckily make a full recovery –save for the traumatic scars.

  I sighed and brought my own mug of coffee to my lips to take a sip. It was just the way I liked it: two creams, two sugars. As I watched the television screen, I supposed Drew was lucky. Christian seemed like a pretty nice guy, even though I did think their engagement was a bit too sudden. Drew had always been a good judge in character –except for Liam, that was.

  Liam.

  With the wedding less than a couple months away, there was really no time to slack. I wanted to start party preparations as soon as possible. Knowing Liam, he was in all likelihood just going to ghost me and leave me with all the responsibility. But I wanted to make sure that Drew’s night was perfect, and that meant –unfortunately– getting as much help as possible. If Liam wasn’t going to reach out to me first, I guessed that I was going to have to be the bigger man.

  [Mason] Can you text me Liam’s address and number? I want to meet up in person to start planning.

  [Drew] sure once sec

  A couple of seconds passed before my phone dinged.

  [Drew] he’s in apt. 305 21 W End Lane

  [Mason] Cool, thanks.

  [Drew] will u check on him for me?

  [Mason] What? Why?

  [Drew] pls? I srsly think he was being weird just ask him if he’s doing ok

  I threw my head back and laughed aloud. Me? Ask Liam how he’s doing? That man-child would never think to do the same for me, so why should I waste my time? I was here to organize a party, not to become best buds with my childhood bully.

  [Mason] Has hell frozen over?

  [Drew] Mason, pls? for me.

  I rolled my eyes. Drew apparently wasn’t going to let this go anytime soon.

  [Mason] Fine.

  [Drew] thank u! xoxoxoxo

  I stood up and stretched my arms above my head, enjoying the sensation of the muscles in my back stretching as I did. Snatching the remote off the coffee table, I turned the TV off before heading toward the bedroom to get dressed. I slipped into a pair of light blue jeans and threw on a black woolen sweater. The weather outside was misleading –sunny with clear skies, but incredibly chilly whenever the breeze decided to brush by. For good measure, I threw on a navy-blue windbreaker and slipped into a pair of sneakers. I pocketed my wallet and cell phone before locking the apartment door behind me. I had to fiddle with the lock for a bit, my newly cut key catching slightly in the recently replaced lock.

  [Mason] Liam, this is Mason. Are you available today to discuss Drew’s party? Drew’s informed me that we don’t live too far away. I could pop by if you’re up for it.

  I made my way down the stairs to the main lobby of my apartment complex, contemplating whether or not I should check if I had any mail before I considered visiting Liam. But I stopped short, freezing to the tiles beneath my feet, when I looked up to see a man casually leaning against the glass front doors of the building. Shawn stood there, a dangerously dark look in his green eyes. I felt like someone just pulled a Hitchcockian zoom on my sorry ass, pulling and distorting the space around me until I could no longer distinguish my surroundings. It was too late to turn back, he’d already seen me. I had no choice but to walk through the front doors and pray for the best.

  “Hey there, handsome,” Shawn hummed, casually winking at me with a smug grin upon his lips.

  I kept walking.<
br />
  He followed.

  “Leave me alone,” I said. I hated how weak my voice sounded.

  “Where you going in such a hurry, sweetheart?”

  “Don’t call me that.”

  “Come on, baby, don’t be like this.”

  I halted, turning sharply to glare at him. Shawn bumped into me, surprised at my abruptness. The walls felt like they were closing in, which I knew was impossible because I was outside. I couldn’t breathe. He was just too damn close. I wanted to scream at him, but I knew that was exactly what he wanted. Shawn wanted me to make a big thing of this, to draw as much attention as possible. He wanted to make me feel like an idiot.

  “Go away, Shawn,” I said firmly, keeping my words as level as possible.

  “I just wanted to talk, baby.”

  “You don’t get to call me that anymore. I broke up with you, remember?”

  “Oh, that?” he said, not even remotely concerned. “You were just having an episode, babe. You didn’t mean it.”

  My toes curled, and my throat clenched shut. Just when I thought I’d gotten rid of him, it was just like Shawn to claw his way back in. He just needed an opportunity to sink his talons into me, to hold me down and never let go.

  “Come on, baby,” he said, taking a step forward to try and close the gap between us. I held my hands out to prevent him from doing so, but he captured my wrists and held my hands to his chest. Shawn had always been deceptively strong, capable of pinning my slender frame down without breaking a sweat. He used to tell me that was one of the things he liked about me, how delicate I was –how much I needed his protection.

  I yanked my arms away with all my might, partially surprised when Shawn let me go. I clenched my jaw tight, doing my best to keep a straight face. I couldn’t let him know how much he scared me. If I did, it meant that he’d won.

  “If you don’t leave right now, I’m going to call the police,” I stated clearly. “I mean it, Shawn.”

  Shawn grunted and shook his head in disappointment. He put his hands up in mock surrender. “Fine, fine,” he sighed. “You always were such a drama queen. I’ll try again when you feel like having a mature conversation.”