by t. h. snyder
I want to be with Loudon and his friends in this new place.
No fears of the past.
No worries of what could be.
No more anxiety.
Tonight I told myself that this is my chance and I’m about to take on the biggest chance of all…I’m going to find my happiness.
Loudon and I sit in silence for the rest of the car ride.
At each stop light he finds the time to grab my hand and give it a gentle squeeze.
There’s something about him, and the fact that he wants to get to know me better that has me in a daze.
I need to get over the fact that a guy is paying attention to me.
He seems to be quite persistent, and gets what he wants, so it’s true that there’s no use fighting it.
The thing that boggles my mind is why me?
He could have just left the house and gone to the party by himself.
Why is it me that he wants to play as his pawn right now?
I don’t want to argue with him. He calms me and I’m actually happy being here with him, well at least for now while we’re still in the car. I don’t know what’s going to happen once we get to the party.
To be honest, that’s the part that scares me the most.
I haven’t been to a place surrounded by peers, let alone a school party, since that day. Every time I’m in a situation like it I find a way to back away or avoid it all together. But right now, I’ve made up my mind that I have to see things through and move forward. Tonight is exactly when I need to do it, too. No one will know me as Zar, the freak from Des Moines. Tonight I’ll just be Zar, Loudon’s friend….I mean we are friends, right.
Oh god, I’m such a hot mess…no, more like a complete nut case.
Why do I let my mind run rampant and pull me down?
I need to shake these feelings of negativity and move on. With Loudon tonight and the future that’s only a few months away; I can do it.
Watching out the window I can see that we’re pulling onto a long dirt road. I sit up tall in the seat and look around to see where we’re heading.
“We’re almost there. The barn is just down this road. You okay?” He asks, grabbing for my hand again.
I look over at him and give him a reassuring smile, “yeah I’m good, just watching where we’re going.”
“This is the Fogelman Family’s horse farm. Ande Fogelman is one of my good friends and we always hang out in the barn on Saturday nights. It’ll be fun, you’ll see.”
He lets go of my hand to shift the gears and I place my hands back in my lap.
I take in a deep breath and keep an eye on the scenes that pass us by.
There’s a huge white farm house with a wraparound porch to the left; surrounded by acres of green pastures. To the right I can see the barn appear in the distance. Loudon continues to drive down the dirt road and eventually stops and parks beside the barn, near several other cars.
A feeling of nervousness starts to rush through my body. I can feel my hands begin to sweat and my skin tingle.
Loudon takes off his seat belt and turns to face me. I can sense him watching me, but I don’t have the strength to turn and face him. The way my emotions are kicking in right now scares me. I don’t want to have a panic attack in front of him….damn it, why can’t I just be normal.
He reaches out for my hands, but I have them balled into a fist in my lap.
“Hey. Look at me, Zar. I don’t know what’s going on right now or if you even want to tell me why you’re so nervous to go in there. My friends are cool as shit and they’re kinda expecting you. It’ll be okay, I promise.”
He takes my hands in his and a sense of calmness takes me once again. I have no clue what this guy has over me, but when we’re this close I feel so secure…I’m at peace with no fear or anxiety.
“They’re expecting me?” I ask in a whisper.
“Umm, well yeah, kinda.”
He looks away and stares over at the barn for a second.
“Now it’s my turn to get nervous.” He says while clearing his throat.
Without even realizing it, I let out a giggle, “You’re nervous? What the hell for, these are your friends, Loudon?”
“Zar, I don’t think you understand the pull I have toward you. Ever since the day at the pizzeria, I’ve been in a daze and I’m not the only one that’s caught on to my lack of attention lately.”
He looks back at me, his green eyes staring into mine. I don’t know how to process this. This guy, Loudon, thinks I’m a mystery he wants to solve. He’s been thinking about me as much as I’ve been thinking about him?
“Look, I don’t want this to be weird for us, okay? I’m glad you came here with me and I want us to have fun. I want to get to know you, Zar. I don’t do this kind of thing…ever. Believe me this is as crazy for me as it must seem for you. But can we just go in and see what happens? I won’t leave your side and I promise everyone will be totally cool that you’re here.”
He takes his hand and runs it along the side of my face. I ease my cheek into the palm of his hand and take in the overwhelming sensations he makes me feel.
“Come on doll; let’s go inside so you can meet the crew.”
He pulls his hands from me and gets out of the car. I watch as he crosses in front of his baby and comes to my side to open the door. He reaches his hand out for mine and I latch onto it as I get out. He slams the door shut and we walk hand and hand over to the giant red barn doors.
I take in one last deep breath before we go through the doors.
Loudon looks over at me as he feels my hesitation. I nod my head and give him a smile. He smiles back at me, showing that amazing dimple and my heart starts beating double.
Am I crazy to kind of like this guy?
The way he makes me feel is overwhelming….it’s so good.
I’ve missed this feeling.
I follow him into the barn, through the stalls of horses and up a set of wooden stairs. When we reach the top, I can’t believe my eyes. From the outside this just looks like a barn, the downstairs a home to a dozen horses, but up here…it’s like a whole different place. It’s amazing.
The far right wall is covered in purple and gold Palmer High School banners, jerseys and cases of basketballs with awards. The left side of the room is almost the same but filled with the colors of Iowa State in maroon and gold. There’s a bunch of people sitting around the loft on couches, chairs and a few are over at a bar that is set up along the back wall. Loudon keeps my hand tight in his and we begin to walk into the large room.
Everyone turns to look at us and, in the matter of seconds, I wait for the fear and panic to take over, but it doesn’t. I smile to myself thinking that Loudon is my bodyguard; keeping me free of my fears and insecurities. I don’t know why, how or what is happening, but tonight I’ll soak it all in and enjoy myself. It’s been far too long since I’ve been happy, since I could be me.
As we walk around the room I look at all the people that Loudon calls his friends. There are guys and girls here, all talking about the first week of school and how they can’t wait until the end of the year to go off to college. By the looks of it no one really cares that I’m even here. No one has given me a stare or started a rant about my appearance.
We make it to the back of the room where the bar and stools are set up. Loudon gives everyone a wave and says hello while walking around to the back side where he pulls out an extra stool.
“Take a seat here, doll. You want anything to eat or drink?” He asks, as he places his hand on my back.
“Umm, yeah sure I’ll take water.”
“Coming right up,” he says with a wink, “hey Ande, can you toss me two waters?”
I see a tall, dark haired guy come out of nowhere and hand Loudon two bottles of water.
“Hey there, you must be the pizza chick,” he says.
I look over to Loudon and he just shrugs his shoulders while smacking the guy in the back of the head.
; Loudon comes and sits down next to me then pulls my stool closer to him.
“So, now that we’re here. Is it everything you had hoped it would be?” He says with a laugh.
Still confused from Ande’s comment, I’m not too sure what to say.
“How did Ande know I was the girl from the pizzeria?” I ask.
Loudon looks down at the floor and begins to peel at the label on the water bottle. The silence he’s giving me is starting to bother me, and I’m totally confused what’s going on right now.
“Loudon,” I say again, but still don’t get a response.
“So this is her, huh?” A female voice says from behind me.
Loudon gets up from the stool and stands up next to me.
“You think you can change how people see her, what they think of her here, L.C.? She‘s still the same girl,” she says with such spite in her voice.
The words coming out of this girl’s mouth are slowly beginning to register and I can’t believe this is really happening to me…here.
“Jill, mind your own damn business. Nothing I do anymore involves you so stay the hell out of it,” Loudon says, coming to stand directly in front of me.
I try to turn and look around Loudon to see who this girl is, but he’s using his body as a shield to keep us apart.
“L.C., you’ve got to be kidding me. We didn’t break up for you to bring yourself down to this level. She’s a freak from Parkland; what do you think she’s going to do with you? She’s not good enough to be here with our friends.”
Just then I see the two people next to me on the stools hop down and rush next to Loudon. I can hear their mumbled voices, but with the pounding in my head and the rapid beats of my heart everything else is drowned out.
I can feel Loudon’s hands grasping for my hands.
But I think it’s too late. Everything is now a blur of failing emotions and misery.
Was this was all an act…a joke?
Bringing me here was for what, for him to be seen as the one who could bring the freak out of her shell and into a public setting?
Oh god, I’m so stupid. I was set up and I failed miserably.
The panic begins to consume my body. My heart is racing, my hands are sweating and I can feel a lump forming in my throat. My chest feels so tight and heavy that taking in a deep breath is almost impossible.
Loudon grabs for my chin, pulling my face up to look into his eyes.
It’s too late.
I can’t stop the pain that is cursing through me and the hurt that swells through my entire being.
I was so hopeful I could change and that having a friend like Loudon would help me.
I thought he was different, but he’s just like them…they all just want to destroy me and crumble any chance I’ll ever have to be happy.
As I sit here watching my life flash before my eyes once again, I can only wish that things could be different for me.
If I was a normal eighteen year old, I can guarantee that I’d be the life of the party, chatting and having a good time with Loudon and his friends.
Instead, I’m just the girl he brought with him…as a joke…no, that can’t be right.
He wouldn’t do that to me, would he?
This is just unreal, it’s freaking crazy...stuff like this doesn’t happen to normal people.
I lace my fingers in front of me on my lap. My palms are still sweating, my heart is racing a mile a minute and my breathing is still a bit shallow. I won’t even attempt to suck in a deep breath for fear that it won’t happen.
I don’t need anything else to pull me down right now.
I mean, come on, when will I ever catch a break?
Loudon, Ande and a few of the other guys are talking in a group near me at the bar and I’m just staring off into space attempting to calm my nerves.
I look over towards the couches and see that Jill doesn’t seem to like what her group of friends has to say to her; she keeps looking over in my direction and glaring.
What the hell is her problem?
I look back around and see Loudon turning to face me with a smile on his face. He takes my hand in his and pulls me off of the stool and escorts me to the corner of the room.
There’s an empty chair that he insists I sit down on so we can talk.
I slide into the chair and he kneels down beside me.
My mind and heart are still racing. I don’t know what to think or believe about what just happened. We haven’t even been here for ten minutes and I’ve ruined the night for him.
I can hear the sounds of people talking around me, but the words don’t register. Loudon is only a few feet away from me and I can’t even focus on what he’s trying to say to me.
Glancing around the room, I can see Jill and a few others have now crowded around the bar. She looks over at me with such a death glare and I have no clue as to why I’ve pissed her off so much.
From what I gather, she and Loudon dated, but he said they broke up. How is this a problem that concerns me? I’m not the one that broke them up. Not to mention how the hell does she even know about me and my reputation at Parkland?
This whole night has been a giant mistake. I should have followed my instincts once again and stayed put.
When will I ever learn?
My entire body is numb and I feel as though I’ve been thrown into a pool of ice cold water.
Why would someone that barely knows me want to hurt me so badly?
It’s hard enough to make it through a day in my own world back home, but to have a complete stranger come after me; it’s insane.
I feel Loudon grab my hands and my gaze is directed back at him.
“Zar, I need you to listen to me. Are you willing to do that?” Loudon asks.
In this moment I can’t listen and I really don’t want to hear what he has to say.
I shake my head no and turn to look away from his piercing green eyes staring back at me.
My breaths are starting to even out and the lump in my throat is disappearing as my heart rate regains its normal beat.
I don’t care what he has to say, I’m more than embarrassed that this had to happen here with him. His friends….oh god, I can’t imagine what they’ll think. He brings this strange girl to one of their parties, their friend chooses to start a rant and then I freak out. Real smooth, Zar.
“Zar, I’m sorry for what Jill said. She doesn’t even know you and has no right to talk shit like she did. I’m not sure what her deal is but she’s always causing issues for me. I honestly didn’t know she was going to be here. If I did, I wouldn’t have come,” he says, straining his neck to look at me.
I look back over to him. So he didn’t set me up? He didn’t know that she would do this to me? Can I honestly believe him or is he just covering his tracks because right now he’s kind of stuck with me?
Completely unsure how to respond, I figure I might as well just take the easy way out and tell him to take us home. The longer I stay here the more likely I will have another episode.
“I want to go home. Can you take just me back to your parent’s house so I can go home?” I ask him in a whisper.
“Zar, don’t do this. You’re just overreacting. Jill is a bitch and everyone knows it. Don’t let what she said ruin our night out together.”
He has no clue what just happened or how it affects me to hear someone talk to me like that. I can’t stay here and I don’t want to be around him or his friends. I need to go home right now.
“Please Loudon; just take me back to your house. We can just pretend like this never happened. I told you it was a bad idea for me to come with you, I’m not part of this crowd and your friend made that point loud and clear. I can take a hint that I’m somewhere I’m not wanted. I just want to leave, now.”
“Fine,” he says, as he moves to stand, “I’m not letting this go, Zar. I’m not letting you go.”
He moves away, leaving me sitting in the chair by myself. I see him walk over to Ande and a few of
the other guys. Ande looks over to me, nods his head and gives me a wink.
What the hell?
I can’t imagine, no I don’t even want to know what is being said right now. All I know is that I want to get as far away from this place as possible.
This was a huge mistake and I don’t want to be here or with Loudon anymore.
He says goodbye to the group by the bar and waves to some of his other friends sitting over on the couch. As he walks away, I see them turn to face me; I don’t want to be rude so I just nod with a smile.
“Okay, doll, let’s get you home,” he says grabbing for my hand and helping me get to my feet.
We walk out of the loft and down the stairs hand in hand, yet in complete silence. As much as I want to hate him for bringing me here, I’m not completely sure he knew that this was going to happen. He opens the giant red barn door for me and I follow him out to his car. Still being a complete gentleman, he opens the door for me and waits until I get situated to close the passenger side door.
I can see him cross in front of the car in my peripheral vision, but force myself to keep my head down. Making eye contact with those eyes of his is like a magnet attached to my heart; the moment I see them I have an instant reaction. I can’t…no, I won’t, let that happen again. As much as I thought we could be friends, I know now that it would never work and tonight was total proof that we are too different.
Loudon slides into the driver’s seat and starts up the car. The loud purr and the vibrations of the motor are soothing and I rest my body against the seat. I close my eyes in hope that if I look to be resting my eyes he won’t want to strike up a conversation.
The ride off of the farm is bumpy as we travel along the dirt road and I try to keep myself from shifting closer to him.
The attraction I feel for him is so unlike anything I’ve ever experienced; I just hate that I have to feel this way for someone like him.
“Okay Zar, fess up. What the hell is going on,” he asks?
What in the hell is he talking about? Fess up about what? I’m not the one that caused a scene; it was Jill.
“Come on doll, don’t make me pull over and stop the car. I want to talk to you about this and get it settled. I told you before, our conversation wasn’t over and I don’t plan to let it go until we talk it through.”