Wow. That was weird. And I knew Brad liked me…a lot. But no way would I say that. “Why?”
“Oh…just the way he looked at you and the way he couldn’t shut the fuck up about you over break.” Had he seen my close encounter with Brad that last night I’d been there? I’d been convinced he had, but now I wasn’t so sure. Still…
I didn’t want Ethan to think what had happened spoiled his chances with me. Whatever had happened between Brad and me was some weird, animalistic, electromagnetic, primitive thing that I seemed to have no control over. And it certainly wasn’t a deep love like I was beginning to feel for the man next to me. Still…I wanted him to feel comfortable with our friendship, especially if that was all it ever wound up being. “Well…I like Brad too. He’s a nice guy. And…any friend of yours is a friend of mine.” I slowly let out the breath that had filled my lungs as I tried to relax.
“I didn’t mean it that way.” I shrugged and feigned ignorance about Brad’s interest, and no more was said on the subject. I wrapped my arm around Ethan too so he’d know he was important to me and hoped this particular topic wouldn’t be brought up again.
* * *
Over the next month, Jennifer and I seemed to become close friends. We did everything together—eating our meals, studying at the library, exercising. She seemed to fill in the gap of my lost friendship with Jill, the one I still clung to because it seemed to signify the last vestige of who I was before coming to college.
Jill never did come to visit like she’d promised, and—really—it was no big surprise to me. Instead, she wrote me a long email confessing that she had in fact been pregnant, just as I’d guessed. She’d gotten an abortion and somehow her parents had found out. And they were old-school Catholics, so they weren’t too pleased. Rather than deal with the arguments and accusations, she moved out of her parents’ house and in with her boyfriend to move out of the light of her parents’ disapproving glares.
I felt bad for Jill, and I wondered how this would change her life. Did she love Chad, her boyfriend of just a couple of years? She was now a nineteen-year-old wife who had broken ties to her family, and I wondered what kind of emotional scars the abortion would leave her with. That couldn’t have been an easy decision, and had anyone been by her side when she’d decided it? When she’d gone through with it? I didn’t know that Chad would have been supportive in that way, but I hoped I was wrong. God…if I’d had the chance to talk with Jill, if we’d been able to talk like we had in high school, maybe I could have talked to her, felt her out. Did she really want to be married? Could she have tried to mend the issues with her parents? Did she even try? As her friend, maybe I could have helped her see the rational side. But what did I know? Maybe she’d made the best decision out of all the available options. The email somehow felt final, kind of like a Dear John letter, terminating our friendship. But I felt I still had to try to salvage what we had. So I emailed her back, but when she never responded, I took the hint. The email was, perhaps, her last farewell.
Zane…what was up with him in the new semester? It didn’t take me long to discover that he was definitely taking an interest in me, and I had no idea why. Maybe he was tired of seeing Ethan piss away one opportunity after another. And, aside from just telling Ethan I was madly in love with him, I didn’t know what else to do. I’d never been forward with a guy, and—coming from an old-fashioned family—I thought it was his job to make the first move. So I tried to at least create the ideal environment for that first move. I spent time with him; we texted a lot, usually about music or something funny; and he’d caught me multiple times just looking at him with a sappy look on my face.
But Zane…he came over to my dorm room. A lot. Usually uninvited, though not unwelcome. He started walking with me to my classes when he could. At first, I thought he was interested in Jennifer, but he wasn’t walking her around, and he was never in my dorm room chatting her up before I got home. And, to quell any doubts I had in my mind, he later invited me to the first dance of the semester.
His dark blue eyes twinkled when he asked me, and at first I thought he was joking. Then I could have kicked myself. When he and I had talked in January, I hadn’t confessed the complete scope of the affection I felt for Ethan. That was my fault entirely. Zane had asked, and I’d just told him Ethan was my best friend. I hadn’t told Zane my secret desire was to be Ethan’s girlfriend, was to snuggle up close to him, was to have him kiss me like I’d never been kissed before.
Zane waited for my answer to his question, and when I gave it, I was slow and cautious. “I’m…not sure, Zane.”
He wasn’t a quitter. He pushed back his black hair and leaned forward. God, he really was gorgeous, and my subconscious started giving him serious consideration. “Why not? We’re friends, right?” His eyes searched mine and then he said, “It’s Ethan, isn’t it?” I couldn’t say a word, and my silence told him what he needed to know. “Valerie, you need to forget about him except as a friend.” He stared at me. “Trust me on this. Come with me to the dance. I know you care about Ethan a lot, no matter what you say, so don’t even try to deny it. But what would it hurt for you to go to the dance with me?”
“Oh, Zane. I know Ethan won’t ask me to the dance. That’s not it. But it’s a Valentine’s Day dance. And if I go with you…” I felt the wind leave my sails. Much as I cared for Ethan, I didn’t want to hurt the man who’d actually grown a pair to ask.
He knew what I was saying, though. “He’ll think we’re a couple, right?” He paused. “Jesus fuck. Val, I really don’t want to be the dickhead to tell you this…” I could see some kind of emotional struggle in his eyes. “No. Fuck it. Not going there.”
“What?” No way was he getting away with not talking now.
“No. Forget it.” He took a deep breath. “Just…never mind.”
He started to stand up, so I stood too. He was tall, but I still reached for his shoulders. I wasn’t going to be demanding, because that already had gotten me nowhere, but I knew he was withholding something from me, and I wanted to know. “Please tell me.” He looked at me and then above my head at the wall behind me. “Is it something I’ll find out anyway?”
And that’s when I saw the change in his eyes. Yeah…it was something I’d find out later. He looked almost sad. He sighed and then said, “Ethan…uh…is taking another girl to the dance.”
The breath left me just as surely as it would have had someone punched me in the gut and thrown me to the ground, following it up with a few kicks. I couldn’t hide my feelings, because they were too fresh, and I’m sure I looked like a wounded animal. “Oh…”
Wow. That hurt more than I would have expected, because I’d thought I was okay with the best friends/ maybe relationship down the line stance Ethan had taken. But now I knew. Ethan didn’t love me that way, probably never would. I had to grow up and face reality. So I had to accept that the occasional arm around my shoulders, kiss on my cheek, and hand in mine were simply friendly gestures that meant something entirely different to Ethan than they did to me.
And that meant another thing as well. That meant it was time to give other guys their shot. I’d thwarted advances from classmates here and there without the guys ever getting far enough to actually have to be rejected. It was time to accept other guys’ interest in me, and I would start with Zane. Zane, an incredibly good-looking guy who was also a friend—he’d be a great first candidate, and I guessed he was just in the right place at the right time. I nodded. “Okay.” I took a deep breath and Zane didn’t say a word. He looked like he felt guilty as hell. “The dance is tomorrow night, right?”
He looked unsure, as though we were venturing into unknown territory…and, really, we were. “Uh...yeah.”
I took a deep breath and tried to smile, but I’m sure it looked like my cheeks had been injected with Novocain. “What time will you come by?”
Zane tried to appear sober, but I could see the twinkle in his eyes return. “So…you’ll come with me?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He got his bearings back. “Um…eight o’clock sound all right?”
“Yeah…”
He placed his hands on my shoulders. “You okay? Goddamn. I’m sorry I said anything. What an asshole.”
I shook my head. “No. No, Zane. You were just the messenger.” I forced the smile this time. If I really didn’t care about Ethan in that way—as I’d been trying to convince Zane—then it shouldn’t hurt at all, right? So I had to make the smile convincing. “No worries. We’re going to have a great time.”
“Yeah, we are.” He hugged me, and I’m sure he sensed he shouldn’t go any further…not yet, anyway. Because he knew. Deep down, he knew. No matter what I said, it was pretty apparent to every fucking person on the planet except Ethan that I loved the boy. So Zane was going to try to comfort me or, at the very least, help me save face. And I appreciated that. Sure, I knew he had an ulterior motive, but I wasn’t going to hold that against him. And I’m sure I wasn’t doing his ego any favors. He knew he wasn’t my first choice. But maybe he cared enough about me that it didn’t matter.
When he left my room, I just leaned my back against the door, trying to recover. And I was glad Jennifer had a class, so she wouldn’t be home for a while. I would be able to deal with this fresh pain on my own for a while. The wounds were too fresh, and I wasn’t ready to talk about them yet.
I threw myself on my bed and cried and cried to the point of exhaustion. I half filled my wastebasket with wadded-up tissues. After I got over my feelings of heartache, I then felt pangs of jealousy against this girl I didn’t even know, the girl who’d managed to capture Ethan’s heart when I wasn’t looking.
And then I thought…maybe going to the dance with Zane would be my form of revenge…not even let Ethan know how much he’d hurt me.
I took a deep breath. No, I couldn’t be like that.
But I didn’t want to act like a little child either and refuse to go. I’d already promised Zane, and who knew? Maybe I’d have fun after all.
I realized then that I really had fallen helplessly in love with Ethan. And, I told myself, if he doesn’t want to go to the dance with me, that’s fine, just as long as he’s happy. Oh, yes. I could think those words, but believing them was another thing entirely.
And those feelings? I was having a hard time shaking those too.
I felt so vulnerable, so much in pain that I could be easily destroyed. I needed to bounce back, as had been my nature up to this point. That was when I decided life really does go on, and I was going to enjoy myself at the dance.
Chapter Nine
“OH, MY GOD, Val, you look so cute,” Jennifer said as I put the finishing touches on my look. My normally straight, shiny brown hair now cascaded in curls down my back over the flaming red strappy dress I’d chosen to wear. Earlier that week, I’d walked downtown to a consignment store to look at semi-formal dresses and chosen that little number. It wasn’t tight, but it fit like it had been made for me, and red always brought out the color in my cheeks and eyes. Looking at myself in the mirror one last time, I thought that Ethan had never seen me dressed up before.
No. I had to push him out of my head. I had to forget the emotions I had for him and start over. I couldn’t do that if I thought about him every few minutes. I looked at my reflection again. I really did look pretty. I’d never been one to obsess over her own looks, but I’d done my makeup in such a way that my eyes stood out and I looked almost…glamorous. And the two-and-a-half inch heels weren’t something I’d normally wear either, but they did something for my calves that were just barely peeking out from under the tea-length skirt.
Jennifer was going to the dance with a guy she’d met in one of her classes. She left when he came by to get her, and then I was left all alone with my reflection. Zane should be arriving at any minute, and I had to get in the proper mindset. I had to plan to have fun. He’d asked the day before if I wanted to go out to eat first, but I knew Zane didn’t have a vehicle on campus, so that would mean either walking downtown or going to one of the eateries on campus. Neither idea sounded particularly fun, so I told him I’d just grab a bite at the cafeteria with Jennifer as planned. Zane might have even planned to spring for a cab, but I knew he was a poor college student just like I was, so I wasn’t even going to ask.
When Zane got to the door, I was surprised. He was wearing a suit, and it shocked me. I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but it wasn’t that. And…he looked damn good. He must have thought the same about me, because he smiled and then peeked his head in my room. “Is Valerie here? If she’s not, I’ll just take you to the dance.”
I started laughing. “You look pretty good yourself.”
He grinned. “Thanks, but…” He let out a long whistle. “Jesus. I don’t know how the hell I’ll keep all the guys at the dance off you.”
I blushed and giggled, and I was afraid my cheeks probably matched the color of my dress. “I’m sure they’ll all be plenty tied up with their sweethearts.”
He brought his hand out from behind his back to produce a pink carnation which he handed to me. I smiled as its scent touched my nose. “Oh, Zane…you didn’t have to do that.”
His smile was slight and sweet. “I wanted to.”
“I should have something around here…” I thought Jennifer might have an empty water bottle in her trashcan, and I did see one when I peeked. I filled it almost full at the sink and then placed it on my desk with the carnation in it. “It’s really pretty. Thanks.” And I felt a little shy doing it, but I kissed him on the cheek. An unexpected flower deserved nothing less.
I grabbed my dorm key off my desk and then pulled my long black wool coat out of my closet, tucking the key in a pocket. It was perhaps the only coat I’d ever owned that didn’t completely ruin the illusion of a glamorous dress.
We didn’t say much on our walk toward the ballroom located in the student center. I’d only ever seen that room used for banquets and convention-type activities on campus, so I was looking forward to seeing it used for what it had been designed for. Zane got brave and grabbed my hand. I smiled. After a few more steps, he said, “Bet they won’t be playing the kind of music we usually appreciate, eh?”
“I heard they got a DJ, so we could always request a little Miss May I, don’t you think?”
He started laughing. “Yeah, and I’m sure all the fraternity douchebags would eat it up.”
“They just might.”
He laughed even harder as we reached the outside door, and he pulled it open for me. The student center was always darker at night, but it was just as busy. I knew there was some movie marathon going on in the theater, for starters, but there were bodies buzzing here and there, heading toward different places.
When we got to the ballroom, the dance was well underway. It was dark in there, but there were lots of colored lights bouncing off the walls, and the DJ was lit up against one wall, already playing some slow-moving, sappy song I’d never heard before. Couples were already entwined on the dance floor, swaying to the beat of the music.
There was an untended coat rack by the doors, so Zane slid the coat off my shoulders and hung it up. It might not have been cold inside, but the air made my bare shoulders feel chilly nonetheless. We looked over the sea of bodies, moving as though in tune to a breeze flowing over them. “Might as well get started,” he said and led me to the edge of the crowd. Then he wrapped his arms around my waist.
A slow dance was probably something I was better at. Loving metal music, I’d never had much reason to learn to dance. I could bang my head just as good as anyone else, and even moshing didn’t require rhythm or killer moves. So dancing? Not my thing. But slow dancing…I thought I could handle it. So I placed my forearms on his shoulders as he drew me close, and our motions started resembling those of the rest of the crowd.
Oh, shit. He smelled really good, and I hadn’t noticed until I was up close. His cologne was masculine (for lack of a better word) a
nd tempting and made me want to get even closer. And I hadn’t realized how rock hard his body was until I was up against him. What struck me right then was a couple of things—first of all, I hadn’t been kissed since high school and, really, I hadn’t had much experience at it. I’d had a couple of boyfriends in the past, but they were from my church back at home, so I’m sure you can imagine that our kissing was rated PG-13 at best. Second…I was ready to move into rated R territory. With Zane? I didn’t know. But the way I felt in his arms surprised the hell out of me. My emotional response to him was strong, and I never would have expected that.
He said in my ear, “I wasn’t kidding when I said you look nice.”
His breath right there didn’t help the crazy feelings roiling inside my body, just barely kept intact under the surface. What was going on with me? Was it the flower he’d brought me? The fact that I’d been pining for and rejected by Ethan for so long? But here I was, all willing and eager. I was glad it was darkish in the ballroom, because I was sure I was blushing yet again. “You look great too, Zane.” And was that as inane sounding to him as it was to me? But he really did look good. And just as my consciousness acknowledged it, I realized the rest of me started thinking about Ethan, wondering where he was, what he was doing…if he was actually here at this dance or if he was fucking some girl in his dorm room while Zane was conveniently away.
God, I was just torturing myself, and I needed to stop. I was young and vibrant, and Zane had made it clear that he was interested, even if Ethan wasn’t. I leaned my head on Zane’s shoulder, determined to keep our conversation light and friendly, if indeed we wound up talking at all.
As our bodies turned with the music, my eyes took in the doors to the ballroom. As though fate were mocking me, in walked Ethan with a tall, thin blonde hanging on his arm. Ethan looked cocky and maybe even a little drunk. I wondered if he and the blonde had had a little fun before the dance. I certainly didn’t want to know.
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