I closed my eyes, angry with myself that I was so upset over what Ethan was doing. I didn’t even know that girl and I already felt like I hated her, and I was praying that Ethan’s relationship with her wouldn’t grow serious.
Poor Zane. I was so glad he didn’t know what I was thinking. I needed to get control over myself, so when the song ended, I excused myself for a just a moment. I felt a tremendous surge of relief that Ethan and his date were no longer near the doors. The hallway was brighter than the ballroom, so I had no problems orienting myself and walked down the hall toward the restrooms. There were a couple of girls in there touching up their lipstick and chatting about the dance. I just needed a place to get a grip on my emotions, so I walked into a stall and just rested my forearm on the side, then pressed my forehead into my arm. And there I stood for a good several minutes just regaining my composure. I promised myself that I’d have fun, no matter what. Zane was a fun guy, nice and good looking, and he was obviously attracted to me. Just because I’d never considered him before didn’t mean he wasn’t worth my attention. I tried to just dwell on him, and suddenly I was transported. I remembered how he smelled and how his soft hair felt brushing my hands when we’d been dancing. Yes…Ethan could have his fun, and I could too.
So, when I returned to the ballroom, I was full of hope. And I maintained that hope even when I saw Zane talking with Ethan near the wall where the DJ was stationed. I took another deep breath, praying that I could be polite. As I approached them, Zane’s smile reached his ears. I smiled back and then looked at Ethan and said hi. I was surprised at his response, because he seemed frozen, as though he couldn’t tear his eyes from me. Oh, shit. Did he feel the same way I did and I was too stupid to ever realize it till now, or was he as shocked as Zane had been at how different I looked? Ethan looked good too, but he hadn’t gone to the same pains Zane had…Ethan was wearing more of an if-a-rock-star-frontman-dressed-up getup. And that was not good for me to see. He looked pretty hot—dark tight jeans and a button-down black shirt. I took a deep breath again, trying to clamp down all the emotions ready to fly off inside me. How could I bury this weird emotion, this one pretending to be love for Ethan if he kept doing little things to stir it up? But I couldn’t let it bother me. I was going to play nice, hide those feelings, and enjoy my date. Could Ethan or Zane see through my façade? They both knew me better than I’d thought, so I hoped I could pull it off.
As I got there, Zane decided to play alpha male and slipped his arm around my waist. “I was telling Ethan what you said, about requesting something hardcore from the DJ.”
I was okay with Zane’s display, because it instantly made me feel braver. I was wondering where the tall blonde was who had walked in with Ethan, but she snuck up behind him and snaked her hands around his waist, kissing him on the neck. That green monster inside me grabbed me by the spleen and squeezed. In direct proportion, I fought to keep the smile on my face. I looked at Zane and said, “I could stand some pretty severe headbanging right now. What about you?”
“Hell, yeah.”
I grinned. “Hang on.” I sauntered over to the DJ’s table, knowing I had their full attention and wondering exactly what the DJ could play here that the sweethearts wouldn’t freak out too much about.
When I got to his table, he pulled off his headphones. He looked bored. “You have a request?”
“Well, kind of.” I raised my voice so he could hear me over the music.
“What’ll it be?”
“Um…my friends and I aren’t really into this music, and I know there’s not a lot you can play with the type of crowd you’re catering to right now, but I wondered…how big is your selection of music?”
He still didn’t appear to be amused, but he pointed down at a laptop computer. “Name it.”
I tried to quickly in my mind think of artists whose music wasn’t so raucous it would scare pop lovers off. Something a little more mellow, less gritty. I knew there were plenty of crossover rock bands although I didn’t listen to them that much, and I knew even some of my favorites had a few lighter tunes. Still…I was grasping at straws. I said, “My friends and I love to listen to hard heavy metal, but you can’t really dance to it, and I don’t want to ruin the fun, but I still want to freak my friends out if I can get you to play something a little more up our alley.”
He raised his eyebrows as if trying to urge me to hurry the hell up.
I was panicking. “Got any Kid Rock?”
This time he actually cracked a smile. “Name it.”
And then a little devil jumped up on my shoulders, just like in the old cartoons. Or at least it felt that way. I could have picked something innocent, and I certainly could have picked something less offensive by Kid Rock, but no. My tongue let it loose before my conscience could wrestle with it. “How about ‘So Hott’?”
“You got it. But, just so’s y’know, the bad words’ll be muted.”
“That’s fine.” Oh, shit, what had I done? “Thanks.”
I started to walk away when he said, “Give me five minutes or so.”
I nodded and kept walking, ready to crawl into a hole. That little devil was about to get me in a bunch of trouble. I could maybe play innocent and blame it on the DJ, but I wasn’t going to do that either. When I rejoined my group, I felt almost giddy. I had a secret, and I was going to shock the hell out of them.
And I figured it would get both men’s attention. Zane asked, “So?”
I grinned and was glad to see Ethan’s little blonde had disappeared again. “So…you’ll just have to wait and find out.”
He smiled at me. “Little tease…”
Ethan was quiet, and I couldn’t read the look on his face. “You look really nice tonight.”
Oh, I should have been nice. I really should have. “Yeah, and the rest of the time I look like shit.” Whoa. First off, I was cussing a lot more having hung out with these boys for half a year but then…had that dig really been necessary? Probably not. “Oh, sorry. Um…you look nice tonight too.” Hot, really, but I wouldn’t have said that, even with the pair of balls I was starting to grow.
“Thanks.” Okay…I couldn’t take looking into those hard green eyes anymore. That usual glint was there, but there was something else too. Desire? I looked away, over to Zane, trying to think of something to say, but I had to break eye contact with Ethan. Yeah, I knew his eyes were filled with desire, but it couldn’t have been for me.
Still…I felt a pull toward him. For the first time since the first day I’d met him, choosing to sit by him based solely on his looks, I could admit to myself that Ethan was an attractive guy. He was gorgeous, and he looked great in black. Zane started to say something when the DJ switched to yet another slow pop song. I was hoping the DJ hadn’t been lying earlier and would actually play what I asked him to. Ethan said, “Mind if I steal your date for a dance?”
I was looking at Zane when he shrugged. “Up to her.” But I could tell he wasn’t too happy about it.
I drew in a deep breath. Oh, Ethan. Why? And why now? When I looked over at him, his eyebrows were raised in question. “Dance?”
I felt awkward as hell. “Um, sure.” He didn’t try reaching for my hand, and I was glad. That wouldn’t have been cool. And where the hell was his date anyway? He led us right to the middle of the crowd, far away from eyesight, considering it was dark and crowded near the center.
My stomach clenched tightly as Ethan faced me on the dance floor and slid his hands onto the small of my back, pulling me close. But I didn’t want to be too close, not after I’d seen the way his eyes had looked at me back there. It wouldn’t be fair to the guy who’d actually asked me out. I wrapped my arms around his neck hesitantly, not wanting to get too close. I was afraid my cool exterior would blow away if I got too close.
And his gaze…oh, Lord, I could barely take the heat of it. I couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore and dropped mine to look at his neck. “I meant what I said back there…you look spectacular
.”
Why in hell was my heart speeding up? Don’t look at him! “I meant it too, Ethan. Black’s your color.” What? I really said that out loud?
“So why did you come with Zane?”
Oh, I wanted to say Because someone else didn’t ask me. Instead, I said, “He asked.” There. There could be no misconstruing my words.
“Anything wrong, Val?”
Quickly, I said, “Nope.”
He lowered his head a little, forcing me to look in his eyes or else risk looking like a real jerk. “You sure?” I just nodded, cautious. “You and Zane look pretty good together. Did you plan the outfits?”
I started laughing. “You’ve known Zane a lot longer than I have. Does he look like the kind of guy who’d plan outfits with a girl?”
He grinned. “No. Guess not.”
“You and…that girl look nice too.” I wasn’t sure I meant it, but I needed to be polite.
We were quiet for a few moments, and I rested my head against his shoulder. Then he said, “Mercy.”
“What?”
“Mercy. Her name’s Mercy.”
“Your date?”
“Yeah.” I was painfully aware of his hands shifting position on my back. Then he moved them up farther, pressing me closer, and I felt like I could barely breathe, simply because I was so nervous. I felt his breath against my ear, and he said, “I’m glad you’re my friend, Valerie.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say. Did he even mean it? Or did he mean something else entirely? I just said, “I am too,” but there was no way I was going to look at him. I felt his lips against my neck. Was I imagining that? The fingers of my right hand tensed against his neck so that my nails were pressing into the flesh, and I was tempted…so tempted to look at him. I knew if I did…
But then I heard Zane asking to cut in. Ethan let go, and I could tell he was reluctant. “See you later, Val.” But it was for the best.
* * *
Zane was still laughing as we walked up to his dorm room. The DJ had waited longer than five minutes to play the Kid Rock song, but he’d done it as he’d promised. I played it off, feeling more like my old self again. Zane thought it was hilarious seeing how some of the more prim girls reacted, although there were plenty of other girls (and guys) who loved the song choice. And I was glad he didn’t take it as a signal that I wanted to be fucked, to use the Kid’s word.
He’d wanted to take me somewhere for a soda afterward, but all the on-campus places were closed. I told him that was fine, that I’d had a good time. But then he told me he had a variety of sodas in the little fridge in his room, and he’d been told on good authority that I liked Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Squirt. “Is that true?”
I grinned as we left the student center. “Is it true you have some?”
“Guess you’ll just have to find out.”
He unlocked the door to his room and turned on the light, then motioned me in. “Hey, thanks for comin’ with me to the dance.”
“Yeah. Thanks for inviting me. I had fun.”
The little refrigerator sat between the two twin beds in the room, and he walked over to it and squatted. He pulled out some cans and said, “Diet Dr. Pepper. Diet Squirt. And a little somethin’ else if you feel like it.” He pulled out a two-liter bottle of Sprite.
I walked closer and giggled. “Oh, yeah. When I’m feeling edgy, I down the regular Sprite. That’s so hardcore.”
He laughed and stood, then unscrewed the lid. He held it in front of my nose, and the smell hit me right away. It was liquor, and when I looked again, the liquid in the bottle clung to the sides longer than water as it moved, one of those telltale signs, and it certainly wasn’t carbonated. “Vodka.”
I nodded. “Oh. Well…I think I’ll stick with Squirt for now if that’s okay with you.”
He shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He took a swig from the bottle and then put the lid back on. “But if it’s okay with you, I’m gonna take this damn tie off. Enough already.” He had it off in no time and then he said, “Why don’t you take off your coat?”
“I’m a little cold from the walk.”
He sat on the side of the bed. “Then come here and I’ll warm you up.” He pulled his suit jacket off and draped it on the bed.
I took in a slow deep breath. This was a moment of truth. I’d been pushing my earlier encounter with Ethan to the back of my mind ever since it had happened. Why had he felt the need to confuse me so much? It was unfair, unfair to both me and Zane.
Well, I decided, Ethan had had plenty of chances, and putting the moves on me when I was out on a date with someone else—when we were both on dates with other people—was completely uncool. And for all I knew, nothing between us would ever happen. Zane was sweet and good looking, and I wasn’t going to spurn him for a last minute promise that might lead to nothing. So I walked over to the bed and sat next to him.
God, that cologne still smelled good. It wasn’t too strong, but it was so…woody, earthy, yummy. “Did you want your pop?” I shook my head. I wasn’t ready for a cold drink yet. “You still haven’t taken your coat off.”
I smiled slightly, feeling awkward now, but I shrugged the coat off my shoulders. He helped me slide it off the rest of the way, but his lips were on my shoulder beside the dress strap before I even took the coat the rest of the way off my arms, and it just fell to the bed.
I sucked in a breath involuntarily. I hadn’t expected my response to be as rapid as it was. I’d been suffering from rigid nipples thanks to the cold anyway, but this time I felt them responding to the touch of his lips. This was dangerous. I could tell that just from one touch of his warm lips. And then his hands were around my waist, and he continued kissing a trail up my neck until he reached my lips and I gladly, almost desperately, took him in. Oh, holy fucking shit. Wow. I had never been kissed like that before. The last kiss I’d had was from a guy who’d been wearing braces and was a little sloppy, for starters. Zane, though…well, his mouth tasted like vodka, and that wasn’t bad. I hadn’t been expecting it, but I was okay with it. And he was tentative at first, as though teasing me, and then he full on assaulted me with his tongue. He was in command, damn it, and I was his. That tongue of his stroked me and played with me, and my mind wondered how that would feel everywhere else.
I could hardly keep up, and I was breathless. I had wound the fingers of my right hand in his soft hair, while my other hand curled around his warm neck. And I was so into the sensations he was stirring in my mouth that it took a little bit for me to register that his hands had moved up from the small of my back to the middle, and he was tugging at the zipper.
But that pulled me out of it and back to the present. “Wait, Zane.”
“Hmm?”
“I…uh, I’m not ready for that yet.”
I shouldn’t have worded it that way, because he nodded, stopped unzipping my dress, and began kissing my neck again. But as my eyes closed, enjoying his lips back on my neck, I registered the look in his eyes. God…his eyes had been dark and sleepy looking, sexy. And another wow moment. He somehow knew all the right spots to kiss on my neck and throat, because I was feeling like I never had before…never. He eased me back on the bed until he was on top of me, but he wasn’t trying to unzip my dress anymore. Still…my body was reacting in a way that it never had to a kiss before, and I knew…I just knew if I didn’t stop now, I’d likely do something I’d regret, especially since his hand that had been holding me on the hip was inching upwards.
It was in that moment that I sensed a deep well of passion residing within me, something I had little control of and something that could easily take control of me if I wasn’t careful. Again, too, my background, my naïveté…I wasn’t emotionally ready for sex, especially with someone I didn’t love. Lust? Hell, yeah. Zane had it all over most other guys on campus. But I’d promised to myself a long time before this moment that I wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t love.
I must have been pressing against his chest or maybe I
was squirming. Maybe I’d stopped responding to his kiss as my brain battled with my loins. But he knew something was up. “What’s wrong, Val? You okay?”
I took a deep breath and tried to sit up. He had to first because half his body was on me, and he did. He looked concerned. I said, “This is getting, uh…pretty hot.”
A small smile crossed his face, but those eyes—they were still dark and steamy. “I know. Don’t you like it?”
I couldn’t help but smile back, but this was serious and I wanted his attention. “That’s the problem. I do.”
“So how’s that a problem?” His voice was gravelly, and one of his hands continued to roam my back, much like a runner continuing to jog in place at a red light not wanting to lose his level of intensity—he didn’t want to lose the point of passion we’d already hit. But I was getting ready to pour a bucket of water all over us.
“I need to be straight with you, Zane.” God, it was hard looking in his eyes, but I had to. “I can’t have sex with you.”
His brows furrowed, but he acted like my words weren’t still fully registering with him through the haze. Still, he was trying to be classy. “Who said anything about sex?”
I felt my mouth open, but there were no words. I hadn’t expected him to say that. “Oh.”
“Why don’t we just see where this leads?”
I would have smiled if it hadn’t been so serious for me. “That’s what I’m talking about, Zane. That is where this is leading.”
I can’t describe the look that came over his face. It was one of shock and triumph, but that passionate animalistic look in his eyes was still there. “Seriously?”
“Doesn’t it feel that way to you?”
He let out a small laugh. “Jesus. You kidding? I’m always ready for sex. Doesn’t take much.”
I started giggling. Had I awakened a monster? “I…uh…just wanted to make that clear.”
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