His hand stroked my cheek. “I promise I would make you feel better than you ever have before.”
My breath caught in my throat. After the way he had kissed me, I had no doubt that he could make me feel like the woman I was becoming. I lowered my head and closed my eyes. “I know you would. But I’m just…not in the right place.” I didn’t want to tell him about the silly rigid moral code I was living under.
I felt his hand on my chin, urging me to look at him. “It’s Ethan, isn’t it?”
What the hell was I supposed to say? I’d observed many a time that everyone but Ethan was able to see how I felt about the guy. So now I was considering lying to Zane just to be nice, but then I would be insulting his intelligence. No…instead, I was going to skirt the question. But to do that, I’d have to be completely honest about myself. “That’s not it, Zane. It’s…” I took a deep breath. “A long time ago, I vowed to myself that I would never have sex with someone I didn’t love. I came from a pretty religious family, and we would watch TV shows where characters would just have sex because they were attracted to each other, but there was no emotional connection. So my parents stressed that sex is a beautiful thing, but it should be with someone you love.” I put my hand on his. “I do care very much about you, Zane. I consider you my friend and, I think, with time, we could become even better friends. And who knows? Maybe those feelings would grow. But right now…I only consider you my friend. Please don’t take that wrong.”
He didn’t look angry, hurt, or upset, but I did see something register with him. “Oh, God. You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”
Was it that obvious? I’d been as honest as I could bring myself to be up to this point. I wasn’t going to lie now. I felt my cheeks grow pink. “Yeah.”
He pulled me into a hug and just held me close. After a while, he said, “Then I’m glad we didn’t. Losing your virginity in a tiny bed in a dorm room with paper-thin walls and the chance that the roommate could show up at any second wouldn’t be something you’d want to look back on and remember as your first time.”
I giggled. “Probably not.”
He pulled my face up gently with his hands so I could look him in the eye. “You ever decide your feelings are enough that I’m the man, I promise I will treat you right.”
Oh. That knocked the wind out of me. I’d never expected Zane to be so chivalrous, and yet he was above and beyond. It was lame, but I said, “Thanks.” And he kissed me again, but this time it was sweet and without his tongue.
“So…you wanna hang and watch a little TV?”
I was getting the weird vibe that maybe Zane wanted to pursue an actual relationship with me. I would need to think about it. I wasn’t completely against it, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I still had the stupid Ethan hang up, and I’d need to dump it before I could fully give myself to someone else. That much I knew. Still…Zane was a nice guy and I respected him. He was sweet and considerate, and he seemed to genuinely care. “I’d like to, but I’m really tired. I should go.”
“You wanna take your Squirt with you?”
I laughed. “Maybe.”
He kissed me again, this time with less passion, but it was slow and sweet. The door to his room slammed open and made me jump.
Yeah, it was Ethan.
I sat up straighter, realizing in that moment that the zipper on the back of my dress was still gaping open, but there was nothing else amiss. My hair was probably a little out of place, but nothing crazy. “Uh…if I’m interrupting something—”
Of course, he was interrupting something, and he knew it. But Zane, ever gentlemanly, said, “Nope. We were just getting ready to walk back to her dorm room.” He stood up and slipped his jacket on, then offered his hand to me. I took it and stood up while he picked up my coat so I could slide my arms in. It would have been so easy for him to make a production out of zipping my dress up, but he didn’t. He was calm and matter of fact. “Let’s get you home.”
“Night, Ethan,” I said.
He said good night back, but there was something in his eyes…and I hoped Zane wasn’t looking, because it wasn’t a look he was meant to see. It was only for me.
Chapter Ten
THE NEXT WEEK, Zane’s affections cooled. I wasn’t sure why, and I wasn’t necessarily against it, but I didn’t understand it. So, one of the times he would have normally met me to walk back to the dorms after class, I went down the hall where his class was and waited for the students to get out. When he saw me, he said, “Oh, hey, Val.”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
He acted like he was going to blow me off but then he said, “Yeah, okay…we can talk.”
It wasn’t going to become any more comfortable. We just had to talk it out. So I said, “What’s going on?”
He shrugged as he walked beside me. “Look, Val. I really like you, and I know you like me back, but let’s be honest here. I had the entire weekend to think about it, and…as long as you harbor feelings for Ethan, I won’t stand an ice cube’s chance in hell.” I didn’t say anything. “Am I right?”
Yeah, he probably was. But I’d been willing to give it a shot. I respected Zane enough for that. The idea made me sad, but I wanted to be up front with him. “I don’t know. I guess.”
He stopped walking, and we stood under a tree with bare branches overhanging the sidewalk. The sun was trying to shine through the clouds that were making their lazy way across the sky. He brushed my cheek with his thumb and held the side of my face. “You’re a sweet girl, Val. You’ll make someone happy someday. If you decide I’m that guy down the road, great. But I don’t want to spend my time competing with some idealized version of Ethan in your head.” Did I look as pained as I was starting to feel? I must have been because he pulled me into his arms. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Val, but do you understand where I’m coming from?”
My voice was quiet. “I guess.”
“Am I just imagining it? Do you have feelings for Ethan, or am I just reading way too much into it?”
No…he was right. Absolutely right. And I understood where he was coming from. He didn’t want to play second fiddle, nor should he have to. Zane was a good guy, and any girl who snagged him would be damn lucky. Just the way he’d treated me during our short time together told me he’d be a find. But he was right. If Ethan so much as snapped his fingers, I would forget Zane in a heartbeat. And that wouldn’t be fair to him. I shook my head. “I don’t think you’re reading too much into it.” I wasn’t going to break his heart further and talk about those feelings, and I wasn’t going to lie.
He let go of me and held out his hand. “Then friends?”
God, he was being so cool about the whole thing, and I wondered in the back of my mind if he and Ethan had had a similar conversation. I shook his hand as well. “Yeah. Friends.”
We continued walking back to the dorms. “Maybe it’s too soon, but…is your roommate seeing anyone?”
“Jennifer? I don’t think so. She went with a guy to the dance, though, so maybe.”
He nodded and we continued walking. “No biggie. Just figured I’d ask.”
And somehow, Zane and I made it through that awkward phase to become solid friends. Ethan, though…after expressing newfound interest in me at the dance, he was nowhere to be found. Zane and I wound up eating meals alone, sometimes with Jennifer, other times without, but Ethan often had reasons not to be there. Cold again.
That Thursday at dinner, Jennifer, Zane, and I sat at a table, and I noticed Zane was starting to get friendlier with her. I was okay with that. He wanted a relationship, and I wanted him to be happy, so I didn’t intend to stand in the way. Jennifer seemed distracted, though. Halfway through our meal, she said, “Val, I can’t stand it anymore. I have to tell you something.”
I set down my fork. The girl was really upset, and that’s when I noticed she hadn’t really eaten much. “What?”
“You know Charlotte?”
I almost started laugh
ing. “As in the roommate from hell?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded. She said, “I saw her walking in the library with Ethan, and they were holding hands.”
She could have gotten the same reaction from me by kicking me in the stomach with steel-toed boots. It took me a few moments to catch my breath. “Ethan and Charlotte?”
“Yeah…” Her voice grew weak. “And…I can’t tell you anything else.”
“Oh, no, Jennifer, you can’t do that. What else did you see?”
“Uh…crap. They…were kissing.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. No, that was okay. That was fine. Yeah, it was. Maybe it was the kick in the teeth I needed to finally move on from the stupid obsession I had with Ethan. Knowing that he had no interest in me aside from toying with me as though I were a mouse to his cat…that was a revelation I needed. “Okay.” I picked my fork back up and started scooting the green beans around that side of the plate.
“You okay, Val?” Zane lowered his head, trying to catch my eye.
I looked up. I wasn’t going to force a fake smile, but I was going to do my best to sound optimistic. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
He took in a breath, and I saw him clench his jaw. “Okay.”
“Wait. What? What are you hiding, Zane?”
He looked shocked. He hadn’t expected me to be able to catch it in my state. “Nothing you want to know, Val.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“You don’t. You think you do, but you don’t.”
“Damn it, Zane, haven’t we been completely honest with each other about everything?”
“Don’t play that card, Val.” I just stared him down. I could sense Jennifer wanting to get up to avoid what would happen next, but she stayed. Zane sighed. “They…uh…they’ve been pretty hot and heavy this week.”
“What about Mercy?”
“What do you mean?”
“Mercy—the girl he took to the dance.”
“I have no idea. All I know is he and this girl Charlotte hooked up Sunday at the library and have been inseparable ever since.” He pointed the tines of his fork at me. “Don’t ask me to tell you anything else, Valerie Quinn.”
In spite of (or maybe because of) the heavy emotions I’d been experiencing, the way he said it made me laugh…as though I’d been torturing a confession out of him, one that would get him into some heavy shit with Ethan. Maybe, though, he was wanting to spare my feelings. Whatever the case, I’d respect his wishes.
And I didn’t say another word, but I was growing angrier and angrier. Fine if Ethan didn’t want me, but why did he have to pick Charlotte? He knew about the bad blood between her and me. Hell, he’d even defended me against her the night after the concert. Was he trying to become my enemy?
On our way back to the dorms, Zane asked, “You okay?”
I shrugged. “Yeah.”
We got to our building, and Zane said to Jennifer, “Do you mind if I steal her for a few minutes?”
She smiled. “Of course not. I have a huge test to study for anyway.”
We stood outside while Jennifer went in through the glass doors. “What?” I asked.
“Seriously—you gonna be okay?”
I shrugged. “Hell if I know. I’m just wondering what the hell is wrong with Ethan.”
He chuckled. “I’ve often wondered that myself. But…in all seriousness, Val…I think what’s wrong with Ethan is…you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. He has…some fucked up notion about wanting to keep you pure and innocent.”
“What?”
“Yeah…he calls you his muse.”
Now I was floored. “What?!” He just nodded and shrugged his shoulders. “So exactly what the hell does Charlotte Edwards have to do with anything?”
Zane smiled, closed his eyes, and shook his head. “The guy’s got needs, Val, and when little Miss Mercy didn’t exactly put out and Miss Edwards offered to polish his knob, how could he say no?”
“But…of all people…”
“Hey. I never said he was smart.”
I couldn’t help the glare I knew was forming on my face. “Or loyal.”
“Hey…I’m not gonna make apologies for him. I think he’s being stupid, frankly. But I really do think he’s fucked in the head when it comes to you. I think he’s doing this shit out of a misguided attempt to keep you on a pedestal.”
“That is fucked up.”
“Not as much as you’d think.” He put his arm around my shoulders and started leading me toward the door again. “But let’s get you inside. You’re shivering.”
Yeah…but I was feeling colder inside.
* * *
Later that night, I decided I just needed to talk to Ethan. I couldn’t stand this anymore. Ethan Richards had put a bullet through my heart, and I wanted some resolution. So I texted Zane and asked him to let me know if or when Ethan was there. He texted back: Not here yet. Will let u no.
So I tried to focus on reading my Art Appreciation textbook. Later on, though, I got another text: He’s here and she’s leaving.
That was my opportunity. Jennifer had already fallen asleep, so I wouldn’t have to explain where I was going. I just grabbed my key, tucked it into my jeans pocket, and raced down the hall to the stairs. Our buildings, along with one other, were connected through a glass walkway at the ground level, and I ran down the stairs of my building on the far side where the walkway was. Just as I got to the ground floor, Charlotte was starting to walk into our building. She spotted me and stood in the doorway, blocking my way out.
I tried to keep my voice calm when I said, “Excuse me.” It was icy, but it wasn’t hostile.
Charlotte wore a clingy blue satiny dress with a low neckline. It didn’t take much imagination to see the curves of her body, and she seemed confident showing off her cleavage. Her lips curled into a sneer. “Planning to see Ethan?”
God, how’d she know? That pissed me off. “That’s really none of your business.” I got closer to her. “Excuse me.” This time I stated it more as a demand than a request.
“Why? You think if you go up there now, he’ll accept you with open arms?”
“Why do you care?” I could feel a fury building inside me, the likes of which I’d never felt before.
She smiled and leaned against the doorframe. If it had been during the day, she wouldn’t have been able to get away with blocking the doorway, but this late at night, there weren’t many girls in a hurry to get back to their rooms. “Ethan and I have had a little bit of fun together. He’s tasted me and, believe me, he’ll be begging for more.”
So…was she trying to tell me she and Ethan had slept together? Whether or not it was true, I knew she was trying to make me angry. I had to try to keep my cool. But I couldn’t help myself. “If you’re so tasty, why don’t any of your other boyfriends ever come back for seconds?”
I could tell from her eyes that I’d hit a soft spot. She stayed calm, though. I hadn’t expected her to. I thought she would come at me like she had the night she moved out. And I had been ready for that; I was prepared to fight if I needed to. This confrontation had been a long time coming between the two of us. “You’re so smug. I just want to slap that look off your face. But I know you’re just upset because Ethan wanted me, not you, so you’re just jealous. I’ll give him what he wants.”
I started laughing. I probably shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself. “I don’t think he really wanted your chlamydia.”
She was starting to squirm. She moved out of the doorway just slightly to get closer to me. I still couldn’t have just gone around without shoving her aside, though. She lowered her voice. “Valerie, why does it bother you so much?” She wound a finger through a lock of her black hair. “At least now I know why you thought he was so cute. You should see him in bed. He fucks like a stallion and gets this wild look in his eyes—”
“I don’t want to hear it.” I moved forward so that we were close. “E
xcuse me, Charlotte.” I didn’t want to hear about her pleasurable night with the guy who should have been my boyfriend. I was tired of her games, so I shoved my way between her and the door. She didn’t make it easy, and she grabbed my arm to pull me back.
“I’m not through talking to you, Valerie Quinn.” She hit me on the jawbone. It wasn’t very hard, but I hadn’t been expecting it, and I lost my balance.
When I regained my footing, I said, “Charlotte, I’ve had enough of you.”
Now…keep in mind I was a young, inexperienced thing from a small town. I’d never physically fought another soul in my life. Not only did I not know what I was doing, I felt like an idiot. But something my little brother had told me once stuck with me. He’d said if you let the bully hit you, he’ll keep hitting you. Hit the bully back, though, and it’s all over. And that’s what I thought Charlotte was—just an overgrown bully. So, like it or not, I thought I needed to fight back. And that’s what I did. I punched her in the stomach. I didn’t punch her hard, but I didn’t want her to think I’d just cower and run off like a scared little girl. She wrapped her hands around her stomach. Hoping they were the last words I’d ever have to speak to her, I got close to her face and said, “Don’t mess with me, Charlotte.” I started to leave again through the open doorway.
I’d thought we would be done, but she grabbed my hair from behind and pulled me onto the floor. Holy shit…that hurt. It felt as though tiny needles were poking through my skull. When I hit the floor, so did the back of my head.
Before I could even register what was happening, she was squatting over my stomach. “Valerie, you’re mine now. And Ethan’s not here to save you this time.”
I tried to fight back, but she’d pinned my arms down with her knees, and I couldn’t move. Charlotte had a snide look on her face. “First, let me tell you about my evening.” I started to squirm, but I couldn’t move. “We went out to eat first. He looked good enough to eat. And those eyes…mmm…so I grabbed his hand under the table and made him touch me. And guess what? I had my first orgasm right there in the restaurant. But all that did was make him want me more, so when we got to his truck, I let him have me anyway he wanted.”
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