Dogs With Bagels

by Maria Elena Sandovici

  “He… He didn’t do anything, Alex. I just…” Her voice falters, and she looks to her mother for support. “I don’t love him. So I can’t marry him.”

  “Did you tell him that?” Victor asks.

  L nods, unable to speak.

  “She did,” Maria says.

  Why are they all so gloomy? It’s good news, after all. Victor didn’t want her to marry that boy, and Alex couldn’t possibly have grown too fond of him the one time they met. Why does she feel like she’s the only one who can truly appreciate this happy news?

  “Let’s drink to that!” She raises her glass, and her son gives her a nasty look.

  “Let’s drink to L being free!” she insists.

  Reluctantly, the other glasses rise to meet hers. Poor L seems completely crestfallen. Victor has a stern look on his face.

  Maria is desperate for a drink. Her family truly is getting on her nerves. She can’t wait for all of them to leave. She’ll find some sort of comfort once she’s alone. She’ll curl up on the couch in front of the TV, and enjoy some more wine by herself. Maybe she’ll even give in to her impulse to cry. After all, there’s plenty of time to freshen up before they all come back.

  Of course, now that L has brought up her engagement, they’re bound to sit around and talk about it.

  “Are you angry with me, Tati?” L looks at her father with big pleading eyes. Maria hopes he’ll be kind enough to reassure her.

  “No, Lili. I’m not angry. But I do hope in the future you’ll think twice about making a commitment like this. An engagement is a serious thing. You can’t just get excited and say yes, then change your mind later. But certainly, I’m glad you changed your mind. For many reasons.”

  Maria hopes that he’ll go on to say something nice, something to make their daughter feel better. She knows Victor wouldn’t say anything he doesn’t mean. Still, she tries to urge him with her eyes to say something, anything reassuring. They exchange a brief look. Does he understand how important this is, how badly she wants him to be kind and supportive?

  “Well, at least I won’t have to pay for the wedding,” he says.

  Is that the best he can do? She can see the first traces of tears forming in the corners of L’s eyes, and it breaks her heart.

  “Actually,” she intervenes, “I think you should have party for her anyway.”

  Victor laughs, shaking his head.

  “But she’s not getting married. And, happy as I am that she won’t ruin her life, I don’t think, as a father, that getting engaged to some guy she didn’t have strong feelings for, then dumping him, is the kind of behavior I should reward.”

  He does have a point. But Maria resents him nevertheless. Victor, the educator! Once more, he’s the adult, and she’s the unfit parent.

  “Yes, getting engaged was stupid. But you know, Victor, to realize is bad for her, and to break engagement, that took guts. And that should be applauded.”

  “So you want a party to celebrate the fact that your daughter is not getting married!”

  Maria nods.

  “Yes! I think we should celebrate Lili not doing stupid thing!”

  “But Lili, did do a stupid thing. She just didn’t go through with it. So while I’m happy she realized her mistake, I really think this wine is celebration enough.”

  She sighs. He’s like a wall sometimes.

  “Explain this to me, Victor, because I really don’t understand. If your daughter go ahead with this foolishness, and marry a man she don’t love, a man she don’t even know well, then you honor her bad choice, which you don’t approve, by throwing her nice wedding. Now that she finally make wise decision for herself, like grown woman with solid backbone, you won’t throw a lousy party to celebrate that. Why you would be happy to throw wedding so she can fuck up her life, but not have party for her now that she’s not?”

  Victor smiles.

  “I would not have been happy to throw the wedding, and you know it. But I would have, because that’s what a good father does. And you would have been there for her that day too, right? In spite of all your reservations. I even think you were gonna get her something…”

  “Shoes.”

  “Shoes. Well, happy or not, I guess you and I both would have respected her choice, and we would have had a wedding, because that’s what people do. But now that she’s called it off, well, I’m happy and relieved that she’s come to her senses. But I’m not gonna go as far as to throw a party to celebrate that my very immature daughter has finally realized marriage is not just about a ring and a fairy tale wedding. I don’t think her behavior in this matter deserves a reward.”

  Maria inhales sharply.

  “Well, I do,” she says. “And too bad I’m not in position to throw party for her. Because I really think my daughter being young and free and not having lost her head and marry the wrong guy, deserves bigger celebration than a fucking wedding, no matter what people do. Actually, what people do, is all fucked up. Weddings glamorize marriage to point where young women like L start dream about it. I think having party to celebrate not getting married is really so much healthier…”

  Alex lets out a little laugh, but she ignores him. She turns to L, who’s being sad and quiet, like a little mouse. She reaches over and pats her daughter’s knee. L’s bones feel sharp through the denim. The girl should really eat more.

  “I guess you don’t have party, my sweetie, but for what is worth, I think you deserve it. And I, for one, still buy you shoes. And guess what, young lady? You just been upgraded from fucking Daffy’s to Manolo Blahnik.”

  Victor laughs and shakes his head.

  “So you are bent on rewarding this kind of behavior?”

  She straightens her back, assuming what she hopes is a dignified pose.

  “Well, I am proud of my daughter. And, in spite of what you saying, I want her to be very proud of herself.”

  L reaches for her hand and squeezes it.

  “You don’t have to buy me Manolos, Mami.” Her voice sounds like a scolded child’s.

  “But I want to, and I will.”

  Alex exhales puffs like an angry horse.

  “How can you even afford, Manolos, mom?” he asks. “Do you even know what Manolos cost? I thought you were Miss Thriftiness.”

  Maria smiles.

  “I got credit card now.”

  Alex rolls his eyes.

  “You have to pay for what you charge, mom. With interest.”

  “Actually,” Maria says. “I not have to pay anything.”

  Alex looks at her like she’s a dumb cow. That’s probably how he thinks of her. He’s probably formed his opinion of her back when she was lingering around, useless, a burden to her family, a woman too lost and confused to function properly.

  But she can’t let it get to her. She smiles as if she didn’t even see the look he gave her.

  “I have no money to pay credit card, Alex.” And here she pauses for effect. “But your father does. And guess what? I’m his wife. So I decide I will spend his money. See, Alex, I if I get credit card and get in debt, my debt is your daddy’s debt as well. Apparently we are legally one financial entity.”

  She wonders if Victor still remembers his own phrase.

  Alex shakes his head and looks at his father, as if to say ‘I can’t believe what she’s done this time!’ Her self-confidence falters. If Victor returns Alex’ sentiment, if they sit there, looking at her like she’s some juvenile delinquent, she won’t be able to stand it. She’ll probably hurl her wine glass at Victor, to hell with acting dignified! And to hell with their so-called friendship! She’ll never forgive him, if after all that talk of making amends, he’ll dare betray her now.

  “If you don’t like that, Victor, then you should have divorce me years ago.”

  Victor smiles.

  “You know I’ll be honored to pay your bills.”

  “Not all my bills. Just credit card.”

  But she’s touched by his generosity, just like she was t
hat day when he took her to lunch and tried to convince her she’s entitled to his money. She’s still not sure about that, after all she’s done. But it was too much to resist.

  “Buy whatever you want, Maria. In fact, I think you should buy yourself a pair of Manolos too.”

  “Thank you,” she says. “I think about it. But what I really want is not designer shoe. What I want is party for my daughter.”

  He laughs. She tries to hold his gaze. Silly, to think that he would offer her so many things, but be so stubborn about the stupid party.

  “You want that party that much?”

  She smiles. Would he really give in? For her? Because she asked? Then again, she doesn’t want the party for her sake. She wants him reassuring L, telling her he is proud of her no matter what.

  “Why we don’t talk about it? When is just you and me? Now, of course, if I am real bitch, I charge whole non-wedding party, and then you have to pay for it in the end. But I wouldn’t do that, since you don’t approve. Manolos, though. That’s different story. I don’t even care how you feel about it, I buy our daughter those shoes. Good quality shoes are important, you know?”

  She looks at L again, poor child! Her mood didn’t seem to improve even with the promise of the most fabulous shoes known to womankind.

  “You know, L, I spend years in bad shoes, shoes that don’t fit. I torture myself with them. And trust me, is not worth it.”

  L’s eyes light up, as if she’s just put together a puzzle.

  “Those shoes, Mami, the small ones, the ones you gave away, they didn’t fit you either?”

  Maria still can’t believe her daughter’s fascination with her old sandals.

  “They fit, when I was younger. Until I get pregnant with Alex and my feet grow whole size. You know, pregnancy is just the weirdest thing, like your body is taken over by aliens. All these weird things happen. So my feet, they just grow, and then, well, I cannot find shoes I like to buy during communism, and after we came here, we just couldn’t afford any.”

  Her son puffs like an angry horse again.

  “Oh, come on, mom! Why you always such a drama queen? We were never that poor. We could always afford shoes!”

  She looks down, embarrassed. She doesn’t want to discuss their poverty in front of Victor. She shouldn’t have mentioned it in the first place. After all, what’s the point of bringing up the past now, when he’s clearly trying to offer her some sort of compensation?

  But it’s Victor who speaks.

  “Actually, Alex, we really couldn’t. For the longest time, we couldn’t buy your mother a decent pair of shoes.”

  Hearing him say this, she feels sad for him, just as she did when they had lunch and he said that he would have liked to have been able to take care of her. It must have hurt him to not be able to provide for them, to have his wife rely on other people’s charity. She didn’t realize it back then. She was too busy resenting him for their poverty. Looking back now, she knows that for him too, it was hard. And she wants to stand up for him in front of his children, in front of himself.

  “Of course, it was my own fault,” she says, “because I was so picky. I should have got something very cheap, but I was so spoiled and clueless and vain...”

  Victor interrupts her.

  “You were not spoiled and vain. You put up with a lot of shit, and you did so very gracefully. I mean, look at this, our kids don’t even know how poor we really were. Really,” he turns to Alex and Lili. “Do you guys remember ever going to bed hungry?”

  They shake their heads. They look so uncomfortable, she feels sorry for them.

  “Well,” Victor goes on, “I certainly worried many times about what the hell we were gonna feed you, and whether we were all gonna starve to death just because I was crazy enough to bring my family to America in pursuit of some fantasy. But your mother always managed to whip something up. Every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, there was food on the table.”

  “It was good, too,” Alex admits. “We never had a bad meal that I can remember.”

  It’s probably the nicest thing he’s said to her in a long time.

  “How about macaroni and cheese with side of banana?” she asks, laughing.

  “Are you kidding, mom? I loved mac and cheese and bananas! I thought you only made it so rarely because it was bad for us, or something.”

  “Well, is not the most healthy thing. And your father hate it.”

  “It really wasn’t bad,” Lili says. “And we never had to eat anything gross. I know people who grew up on spam.”

  “Or baloney,” Alex adds.

  “Or canned ravioli,” L makes a face.

  “Well, at least I can say I never feed my children that.” Maria says. She knows that avoiding nitrates, preservatives, corn syrup and food coloring still doesn’t make her a good mother, but she decides against saying it out loud. Instead, she says to Victor. “I never thought we would starve, not even for second.” She meant to make eye contact, and to say more. She meant to say that after all, he’s always been there for all of them, that he provided for them, one way or another, that it was she who bailed out. But the words just stuck in her throat.

  “But those shoes, Mami…” L says. “They really were small. I can’t believe you had to wear those.”

  “I did. And that’s why I want you to have the Manolos. I want you having most fabulous shoes, and when you looking down at them I want you be proud of who you are, and to appreciate that you are free and have your life ahead of you. When I was your age, I was barefoot and pregnant. Literally. I just didn’t want this to happen to you, L, to be so young and unprepared for life like me, and have kids. Because is so hard. You have to be older, and you have to be sure what you really want. I was too young, and had no idea what I was in for. I’m not sure I even want kids back then.” She didn’t mean to say that. And of course, there’s no way to take it back now. “I mean, I did, but…” At a loss for words, she looks at her watch. “Is late. Why you not go to church?”

  “Oh, no, this is very interesting!” Alex says. “Go on, mom… So having kids basically sucks…”

  She shakes her head.

  “I don’t mean like that. All I mean is, is better to be older and be prepared. Is just so complicated.”

  She takes another sip of the wine, and looks fondly at her son and daughter. She cannot imagine her life without them.

  “For what is worth, I like you guys very much. And I’m very glad I have you. My point is just...” But she feels dizzy from the wine, and she can’t remember her point.

  “Don’t get married, and don’t have children?” Alex asks. “Don’t worry, mom, growing up with you was enough to put me off marriage forever.”

  It feels like he slapped her. The silence in the room is ringing in her ears. Her hand trembles as she raises the glass to her lips. Why don’t they go to church already, and leave her alone?

  “Alex, that is an awful way to talk to your mother!” Victor says. “I don’t care how old you are, I don’t ever want to hear you talking to her that way!”

  She tries uselessly to blink back tears. Victor reaches out to her, his hand touches her knee, but she moves away. She takes the napkin from underneath her wine glass, and wipes the corners of her eyes.

  Alex is looking down, avoiding her, and especially avoiding his father. She knows that Victor is waiting for him to apologize. And she knows Alex won’t. He’s too proud. He’s her son after all.

  “You shouldn’t be so hard on him, Victor. He was just a child, and he grew up with us fighting all the time, and he hated it. And then you left, and he missed you, and he blamed it on me.”

  Alex looks at her and shakes his head.

  “Mom, I was being an asshole just now. Why are you defending me?”

  She smiles.

  “Because I’m your mother, and that’s my job?”

  “Even when I’m an asshole?”

  She laughs.

  “Especially then.”

  �
�That don’t make sense, mom.”

  “It make sense, Alex.”

  “Well, I take it back,” he says. “I’m sorry. It was a crappy thing to say. I didn’t even mean it.”

  “Is okay, honey. I know you didn’t mean. And I’m sorry, too, Alex. I’m sorry you had to hear us fight so many times. I’m sorry I made your father leave. I didn’t mean to, but I made a mess of our lives.”

  “We both did,” Victor says. “You can’t keep blaming your mother, Alex. It’s completely unfair.”

  Their son looks down. He’s fiddling with his wine glass, searching for words.

  “I know,” he says. “You know, I always wondered. Were you two ever happy together?”

  She swallows hard.

  He’s so young, Alex, too young to remember the days when they still loved each other, she and Victor. To him, it’s like those times never existed.

  “Your mother and I were very happy, Alex.”

  Victor’s voice is firm.

  “We loved each other, and we had a wonderful marriage, and two wonderful kids. We were perfect for each other, and we were extremely happy together until we came here. We never even fought back then.”

  “Maybe we should have,” she says. “Is unnatural not to fight at all.”

  But she can’t imagine it. She remembers herself in her youth, the way she would hang on to his every word, the way she’d analyze his every gesture. What did he need? What did he want? Was she saying the right thing? Was she acting the right way? Did he love her? She wanted nothing but to please him back then.

  “You’re right,” he says. “But you were too young and too sweet to fight with me back then. And you were so in love with me. You would have followed me to the end of the world.”

  “I did follow you to the end of the world.”

  “I was a lucky bastard. I was crazy about you, you know that!”

  She smiles, but she has a bitter taste in her mouth.

  “Yes, you were crazy about me same way people are crazy about luxury car. You see something beautiful and you want to take it home, display it, and have the whole world know is yours! Well, it sucks to be the trophy wife! Is like you’re an exotic pet kept in golden cage, and then eventually you realize you’re nothing but a live-in servant!”