by Ian Berry
We started in the big boardroom. “Ah-ha. Faces south east.”
“How do you ... oh. You’ve got the little GPS thing.”
“Bertie, yes. Now we need to see what’s below the window as far south as we can get.”
We looked out of the indicated window. “It’s our birthday. It’s a corner of the loading yard. That can become our aerial farm on Thursday. No need for power unless we can find something downstairs, all the uplink trucks have their own generators. Now we need the quickest way from here to there.”
“Out of the window?”
“That’s fine for cables - and you and me - but not for producers and cameramen and other hangers-on.”
“Ok then. The back fire escape?”
“Have you been reading the Safety Handbook again? Ok. Let’s go look.”
There was a fire exit just outside the main boardroom door which led to an outside door with a crush-bar which in turn led to the required corner of the loading yard.
“Not only is it our birthday, it’s Christmas as well,” I said. “This is the route in and out for the telly and anybody else with any kit to lug in and out. We’ll need security posted on both doors.”
“To keep people out?”
“Not really. The PMs office people will probably have their own people to do that. No, our people are there to make sure the route remains a fire exit. You can’t block a fire door open, or shut, or impede access through it. We get round that by posting a man on it to make sure in the event of a fire. That way we’ll get away with it.”
“Think we’ll need to lockdown the rest of the doors as well?”
“Have to ask what they want to do. Might have to post people there as well. Like the people door into the warehouse loading dock.”
Back in the office, we continued to organise the car parking.
“Ok. Email to all department heads and a dirty big sign in the cafeteria about where to put cars on Thursday. Smaller sign for Reception to remind people as they go home on Wednesday. Anything else?”
“Might be helpful to ask the flour mill people if they mind.”
“Heavens, yes! Hadn’t thought of that. Any ideas?”
“Amanda will have details. I’ll do it.” She rang Amanda to get phone numbers.
“Blimey. I hope the UK offices are still running. The parent company is in Canada!”
While Saskia used the phone, I used the computer to generate a quick map of the outside of the plant with car park and links and TV access marked on it. We could send that to all the relevant people. By the time I’d done that, Saskia was off the phone.
“No problem. Do what we like. Their top man is invited to the visit anyway so they couldn’t really refuse. What were you doing? Oh, a map. Brilliant. Can we email it?”
“If we need to. Now you’ve organised the car park we can do an email to department heads. Usual arrangement, you dictate, I’ll type.”
That bit of entertainment took about five minutes. As usual, I let Saskia press ‘send’.
“Big sign for the cafeteria,” said Saskia. “I think biggest the printer will do is A3. Might not be big enough.”
“Probably not. How much bigger do you want to go?”
“Er, how about roughly a metre across? What do we do? Stick several A3s together?”
“Perish the thought. Just you watch Aunty Saskia show you how it’s done.”
She stuck her tongue out at me but watched as I opened the big drawing program.
“Hey. That’s the thing all the American plant drawings are done on. I know what you’re up to. You’re going to use one of those big printer things - paper on a roll - one line at a time - drum-thingy.”
“Repeat after me, drum plotter, drum plotter. Got it?”
“Ok, clever-cloggs. Drum plotter. I knew that. The words escaped me but I knew what it was.”
“You are hereby forgiven. Can you ring Planning and tell them to expect an unexpected plot in a few minutes.”
“If I tell them to expect it then it won’t be unexpected. Make your mind up.”
“Saskia Hunt! You are going to get such a thump in a minute.”
She grinned. “Whenever you’re ready and as hard as you like.”
“Might change my mind this time. It’s no fun thumping you anyway, you don’t fall down or say ‘owe’ or anything.”
Both grinning broadly, we got on with the immediate tasks, me on the computer, Saskia on the telephone. Both jobs took only a couple of minutes, a drawing program that can cope with a whole building takes only a few seconds to layout a dozen or so words. The longest time is taken getting the words in the middle!
“Right, come on. There’s no real rush, it’ll take the plotter a few minutes, assuming the damn thing ever wakes up and discovers there’s something in the queue. Ah, there it goes. Bring the Blutack.”
By the time we got to Planning, the plot was just finishing. When it’s done, it flashes a little light and you have to tell it to cut the paper. I did this and we had a large poster for the cafeteria wall. I shouted, “Thanks, guys,” and we made for the cafeteria.
Saskia helped me stick the large sheet of paper to the wall. Several people gathered round to see what it was all about. There was a certain amount of grumbling.
“Oh come on people. It’s only one day. We’re giving you plenty of warning and it’s only a few metres further, especially if you sneak through the hole Kyra and Katya pushed in the hedge when the mill went off bang. Look, we’ll get Ground Maintenance to clear it and make it bigger, ok? The things we do for you!”
This extra task duly carried out, we settled down to lunch in the cafeteria. We had to field a couple of questions about the coming visit, mostly to do with the car parking. Details, details. Still, that was what we were good at.
The afternoon began with letting Petra know about the people from the PMs office arriving. More reminding her really, she’d not have forgotten but there’s nothing like being sure. We also checked with Amanda that James would be available ‘just in case’, and with him to make sure he didn’t want to be involved unless we needed him.
Melanie was helping Jeff, and had been for several days, so we were on our own with plant tours. Not a problem, we’d done enough of that and poked our noses into odd corners anyway. We’d cope. We might not know what all the widgets were that came out of the machinery but a cash register looks like a cash register in any language.
The suits turned up about two thirty - only they weren’t - suits that is. There were two men and two girls, none of them out of their twenties. The afternoon was looking up.
The phone rang. Petra to tell us she had our visitors in a holding pattern in Reception and could we come and get them please. We hurried to oblige.
Saskia engaged top gear and did introductions. Another surprise - our visitors didn’t go in much for second names, we were instructed that first names would do fine thank you very much. There was a Ben, a Jack, an Evie, and a Caroline (“call me Caro, everybody does”). They had paperwork for us and notebooks to write down our answers to the questions they obviously intended to ask. We’d made sure the boardroom was clear so we commandeered that as our base of operations, it had lots of table space and chairs for all of us. I took orders for refreshments and passed these on to Petra, she’d get one of the cafeteria staff to bring them up.
Ben opened the batting. “You know that the object of the visit is for the PM to tour your factory. You probably also know that this is usually a platform for him to make a speech. What’s actually important is the speech, not the factory tour, sorry.”
“We know that really. We’ve been talked at by the head of our PR department. By the way, he sends apologies for not being here himself, he flies out to Russia at the end of the afternoon. Anyway, we concentrated our efforts so far i
nto sorting out the media arrangements for the speech and arranging the car parking. Perhaps not everybody agrees with our priorities, but there you go.”
“Exactly right though,” said Jack. “So far so good. So what have you done? Arranged to clear your car park?”
“Completely,” said Saskia. We can accommodate extra vehicles in our alternative if required. The media we thought could have separate arrangements. Come look out of the window.”
We pointed out what we thought for links trucks and camera cars in the loading bay area.
“They can stay there all day, out of the way, and play out tapes and stuff or whatever they want,” I said. “They can have their own entrance which we’ll put security on for our own purposes.”
Caro looked at her colleagues, “Don’t know why I bothered to come, These two have sorted it already.”
Evie laughed. “Caro is our Media expert. She’s in charge of the telly and stuff.
“Will you be organising the autocue and sound distribution?” I asked.
“Been doing your homework I see. Yep. That’s me as well. Want to discuss that while we’re on the subject?”
“We thought the raised staging at the end. It usually stays in here but we can move it if you like. The tables can go and we have a lot more chairs.”
“Perfect actually. We bring flats go behind His Nibs. Behind the flats go all the nuts and bolts, the sound rack and lighting control and stuff. And the poor old autocue operator, but they’re used to that. Do you have a fairly big power supply?”
“What would you like? We don’t have it to hand but the plant electrician can be got out of his cupboard if required. Two sixty three amp three phase sockets be enough?”
“Brilliant. One for lighting and one for technical. Have you done this before?”
“No. Just seems logical.”
The others had been letting Caro and I get on with it, Saskia had a slightly glazed expression, she’d need a cuddle later. I made notes on a pad I’d had the presence of mind to bring.
“You two happy with all that?” asked Ben. “Our people will just appear on Wednesday. So long as you can provide coffee, they’ll just get on with it.”
“Some of the TV people might appear on Wednesday,” said Caro, “but probably not. They seem to work special days that have rather more than twenty four hours in them. They might require access quite early on Thursday morning.”
“We have twenty four hour security. That won’t be a problem,” said Saskia.
“Now,” said Jack. “My bit. I need a list of all the people who’ll be involved. Not the invited bigwigs, just the workers, like yourselves. Need to security clear them.”
“Shall we, Twin?”
“Why not. It might make their day.”
“Certainly make mine. Good job we have pockets.”
“Ah. We probably should tell you this now, you’ll probably only find out later,” I said.
The four of them looked perplexed as Saskia and I fished in our pants pockets and made our MI5 badges appear. We produced these and handed them across the table.
Jack spluttered a bit then laughed. “We knew there were two people here with security clearance. I was going to ask if you knew who they were. Will you forgive me when I say I didn’t expect it to be you two?”
“Don’t worry. Not looking like agents comes in handy sometimes. See why I said now instead of later?” I said with a grin.
“I also wasn’t told just how high that clearance was. I’m impressed.”
“We try,” grinned Saskia.
The meeting continued with questions and answers, notes made by both sides, until we’d pretty much sorted out all the things we needed to know. Ben had a detailed itinerary which he said was provisional until we’d given them a tour - Evie even waved a stopwatch!
“Do we release that to our media friends or will you do it?” asked Saskia.
“No, we’ll do that. We’ll add your details about truck parking and cable access. You’ll make some friends with that.”
“Speaking of friends,” said Saskia, “You missed our local newspaper with your press release. Wasn’t deliberate was it?”
“Heavens, no,” said Caro. “Sorry if we slipped up. Give us the details and I’ll sort it out first thing Monday.”
“I’m glad you said that.” said Saskia. “The editor is a personal friend. We’ve already told him about it and said we’d jump up and down when we saw you today.”
“No problem. We’ll take your telling him as the preliminary release, and he’ll get all the other bumf as we send it out. Will he be ok with that?”
“I should think so,” said Saskia. I’ll give him a ring over the weekend and make sure.”
“One very last thing,” said Evie. “Can you do lunch for the PM and his party, not the whole mob, just our people and your important people, the ones you think are important.”
“Ah. You’ve met our Mayor, obviously,” grinned Saskia.
“Right,” I said. “In that case let’s start the tour in the cafeteria and you can see for yourselves. Besides, my mugs empty.”
This caused the laughter I’d been trying for and we led the way down the stairs still chuckling. As we passed Amanda’s office I saw Saskia duck inside momentarily.
“Told Amanda where we’re heading” whispered Saskia. “If James wants to put in an unexpected appearance, now might be good.”
“Good thinking, that girl,” I whispered back.
We gave our visitors a quick tour of the cafeteria, including the kitchen area at the back. Jack wanted to look at any ways in and out of the building anyway and the kitchen had its own access from the rear yard.
With suitably refilled mugs, we spent a few minutes sitting at a table discussing a possible lunch. I went and snagged the cafeteria supervisor and she and Evie spent a happy few minutes discussing catering. It was at this point that James predictably ‘happened to be walking past’.
Saskia engaged top gear again and did proper introductions, remembering all the full names of the visitors and pointedly telling everybody that this was Sir James Robinson.
“Glad you’ve come down, Boss,” I said. “Would have needed to ask you anyway. Are you ok with lunch for the PM on Thursday?”
“Don’t see why not.” He turned to the cafeteria supervisor. “That’ll be all right, won’t it? We can do it can’t we?”
“Shouldn’t be a problem. We were just discussing a menu.”
“Entirely up to you and the Saskias then.”
“James,” said Saskia. “Can we borrow Jeeves? Might impress the PM just a bit.”
James began to laugh. “What a good idea! I’m on it already.” He was still laughing to himself as he went back to his office.
“What’s all that about?” asked Caro.
Saskia was grinning as she answered. “Sir James has a butler. A proper butler, with all that implies. Jeeves used to work for the Palace. Hm. Interesting thought. Jeeves isn’t his real name. The Queen called him Arthur but I don’t know what his other name is. Probably need to make you sign the Official Secrets Act before we tell you.”
“The Queen called him Arthur? Just how high are the circles you move in?” spluttered Ben.
We didn’t get chance to answer, Jack got there first. “We’ve already signed the Act, don’t worry. And our security clearance is a bit on the high side as well as you might imagine. It occurs to me that if this Jeeves worked for the Palace, he’ll have a high clearance already. We’ll just need to check and then leave well alone.”
“Thanks for that,” I said. “We won’t put him on our list, I’ll go and find out for you now, while Saskia here starts the plant tour. Fish out your stopwatch Evie.”
They went one way, I went another. In James office, I made sure the
door was closed.
“If Jeeves meets the PM, they’ll want to check his security clearance. I’m sorry James, I need his proper name. The four downstairs have signed the Official Secrets Act, it’ll be ok.”
“Not a problem really. They should know who he is when they check up anyway.” He gave me Jeeves real name. It didn’t mean anything to me, the reason for changing it had happened many years ago before I was born - even as Richie.
It took me just a few minutes to rejoin the tour of the plant as led by Saskia. We’d agreed that only the interesting bits would be visited, the only other proviso being that the walk was in a circle, so to speak. We didn’t want the PM to have to retrace his steps through bits he’d already seen.
Eventually we were back at the boardroom. Evie clicked her stopwatch and looked at it. “Perfect. Above the disinterested threshold and below the boredom threshold. Well done you two. Even His Nibs can’t complain at that.”
“Is there anywhere quiet we can make some phone calls and write up our notes for half an hour or so?”
“Will right here be ok?” asked Saskia. “Nobody will come in to disturb you - except perhaps the cafeteria staff if you want another coffee or whatever?”
With that arranged and instructions given to pick up the phone and dial ‘0’ to tell Petra when they wanted letting out, Saskia and I went to check progress with James.
“Seems to be going ok so far,” said Saskia. “Bloody lot to organise.”
James laughed. “Now you see why I gave it to you two to see to. You’re good at it. Want to invade France? Let the Saskias organise it for you. Go like clockwork.”
“Sorry we had to ask for Jeeves’ real name,” I said.
“Don’t worry about that. It’s people such as the press and so on that mustn’t find out. These security types will keep their mouths shut.”
Amanda stuck her head in, “Petra says your captives have said they want to be released. Did you lock them in or something?”
“Not quite. We’re on it,” I said with a grin.
Back in the boardroom, our new friends had packed up all their stuff and were pretty much ready to go. Just as well really, it was gone five o’clock.