The Art of Asking
Page 32
Thank you to Geeta Dayal for all her encouragement in the author department.
I want to thank Ben Folds for constantly encouraging my writing and being an awesome friend.
And I want to thank Steve Albini. Just because I can. Here’s a hug, Steve Albini.
This book also would not have been A Real Book if I hadn’t had the help of literary agent Merrilee Heifetz at Writers House, who has lovingly held my hand while I traipsed into BookLand. Many thanks to you and to Sarah Nagel for all the work you’ve done.
Emily Griffin, my editor at Grand Central, has been the picture of patience and understanding while I’ve wrestled with this thing, and was the first one to come to me after the TED talk was released, asking BOOK? You’re holding the answer in your hands, Emily. Thank you for all the love, work, thoughts, and edits you’ve poured into this book. Your faith in me is not taken for granted. Thank you, thank you. And to Megan Gerrity, our production editor, and to all of the team at Hachette who are putting this book onto shelves—Jimmy Franco, my publicist, and all the people in the art department—thank you.
Fiona, thank you for being the picture of patience while I slaved on my edits…your help and love means more than you know.
My parents, the whole wonderful motley collection of them: Kathy, John, Jack, Donna, Elaine…thank you all for raising me, helping me, and taking care of me, all in your own ways. I love you. And to my sisters Alyson and Lisa, thank you for sharing your stories and lives with me. I love you both. And to my half brother, Alex, and my brothers-in-law, Cees and Todd: I love you guys. To my stepchildren Maddy, Holly, and Mike…I love you, too.
To Anthony, and Laura: our hearts and our stories are entwined. I love you both so much.
Jamy Ian Swiss came into my life shortly before I was invited to TED and offhandedly offered to give me a hand with my talk. When I called him up and shared my initial ideas and first drafts, he dug in, and hasn’t left my side since. His role as my Unofficial Talk Doula—sometimes staying on the phone for three hours while we hammered out the perfect way to put things—expanded into his role as my Official Book Doula. Together we sat at tables, flew back and forth across America several times, talked on phones, shared drafts, cut ideas, added ideas, and cut them again. He went over every single sentence in this book with a fine-tooth comb and has been an absolutely indispensable and essential part of this process. Kandace, his partner, was incredibly understanding as we worked weeks, then months, later than originally scheduled. Thank you, Kandace. And Jamy: I cannot thank you enough for your work on this book. It means everything to me.
And lastly.
My husband, Neil Gaiman, not only allowed me to put the intimate details of our marriage into the blender of this book on a low setting, he encouraged me, advised me, held me, and propped me up—and let me go away, when I needed it—through every single phase of the writing process. He took my first manuscript, pen in hand, and suggested massive cuts. I trusted him and, for the most part, took every suggestion. He put his own writing-life on hold for the last, mad week of the book edit, helping me to birth the very last draft when every hour counted. This book would not be the same without him, at any level.
Neil, you are the love of my life.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
THE UKULELE ANTHEM
Sid Vicious played a four-string Fender bass guitar and couldn’t sing
And everybody hated him except the ones who loved him
A ukulele has four strings; but Sid did not play ukulele
He did smack (and probably killed his girlfriend Nancy Spungen)…
If only Sid had had a ukulele, maybe he would have been happy
Maybe he would not have suffered such a sad end
He maybe would have not done all that heroin instead
He maybe would’ve sat around just singing nice songs to his girlfriend
So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong!
‘Cause even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing!
Do your homework with a fork!
And eat your Froot Loops in the dark!
And bring your Etch-A-Sketch to work!
And play your ukulele!
Ukulele small and fierceful!
Ukulele brave and peaceful!
You can play the ukulele too, it is painfully simple!
Play your ukulele badly, play your ukulele loudly!
Ukulele banish evil!
Ukulele save the people!
Ukulele gleaming golden from the top of every steeple!
Lizzie Borden took an axe, and gave her mother forty hacks
Then gave her father forty-one, and left a tragic puzzle
If only they had given her an instrument, those Puritans
Had lost the plot completely
See what happens when you muzzle
A person’s creativity, and do not let them sing and scream
(and nowadays it’s worse ‘cause kids have automatic handguns)
It takes about an hour to teach someone to play the ukulele
About the same to teach someone to build a standard pipe bomb
YOU DO THE MATH!
So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong!
‘Cause even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing!
Do your homework with a fork!
And eat your Froot Loops in the dark!
And bring your flask of Jack to work!
And play your ukulele!
Ukulele, thing of wonder!
Ukulele, wand of thunder!
You can play the ukulele too!
In London and down under!
Play ‘N Sync and play Jacques Brel!
And Eminem and Neutral Milk Ho…tel the children!
Crush the hatred!
Play your ukulele naked!
If anybody tries to steal your ukulele, LET THEM TAKE IT!!!!!
Imagine there’s no music, imagine there are no songs
Imagine that John Lennon wasn’t shot in front of his apartment
Now imagine if John Lennon had composed “Imagine” for the ukulele
Maybe people would have truly got the message
You may think my approach is simpleminded and naïve
Like if you want to change the world, then why not quit and feed the hungry
But people for millennia have needed music to survive
And that is why I promised John that I will not feel guilty
So play your favorite Beatles song!
And make the subway fall in love!
They’re only $19.95, that isn’t lots of money!
Play until the sun comes up!
And play until your fingers suffer!
Play LCD Soundsystem songs on your ukulele!!
Quit the bitching on your blog!
And stop pretending art is hard!
Just limit yourself to three chords!
And do not practice daily!
You’ll minimize some stranger’s sadness
With a piece of wood and plastic!
HOLY FUCK!!! It’s so fantastic!!! Playing ukulele!!!
Eat your homework with a fork!
And do your Fruit Loops in the dark!
Bring your Etch-A-Sketch to work!
Your flask of Jack!
Your vibrator!
Your fear of heights!
Your Nikon lens!
Your mom and dad!
Your disco stick!
Your soundtrack to Karate Kid!
Your ginsu knives!
Your rosary!
Your new Rebecca Black CD!
Your favorite room!
Your bowie knife!
Your stuffed giraffe!
Your new glass eye!
Your sousaphone!
Your breakfast tea!
Your Nick Drake tapes!
Your giving tree!
Your ice cr
eam truck!
Your missing wife!
Your will to live!
Your urge to cry!
Remember we’re all gonna die!!!!
SO PLAY YOUR UKULELE!!!!!!!!!
—from Theatre Is Evil, 2012
About the Author
Amanda Palmer is a world-renowned singer, songwriter, activist, director, and blogger who first came to prominence as one half of the internationally acclaimed punk cabaret duo The Dresden Dolls.
She is a fellow at the Berkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard University and has shown her underwear on Australian television. She currently avoids living in places including Boston, New York, and Melbourne with her husband, author Neil Gaiman, who is easily embarrassed.
Palmer’s TED Talk, “The Art of Asking,” which she presented at a 2013 TED conference, has been viewed at least 8 million times around the world. You can visit her website and blog at AmandaPalmer.net.
1. Writer disclaimer: My mother is totally going to read this book and she’s probably going to call me after she reads this part and so I am going to preemptively tell her right here that I love her and this probably didn’t even happen even though I think I remember it and it’s really important to the story. HI MOM.
2. My mother will be happy to know I never gave one. HI MOM.
3. She said yes. If you haven’t read it, go back and read it now. It’s wonderful.
4. That started as a temporary solution after shaving my face for a Marlene Dietrich look-alike contest that Brian and I attended shortly after forming the band. I lost the contest. I kept the eyebrows—I found, to my delight, that it had the unintended side effect of causing people to look me in the eye. When you have creatively painted eyebrows, people will assume you’re approachable and affable, and talk to you. It’s like having a funny mustache.
5. “to grok”: from Robert Heinlein’s made-up word from Stranger in a Strange Land, meaning to communicate and understand deeply, empathetically, completely.
6. As I learned from a marvelous talk given by Maciej Ceglowski, awesome founder of the “social bookmarking” site Pinboard, at the 2013 XOXO Festival.
7. That night, before the doors opened for the show in Houston, I hid all the penises in different locations around the venue—the bathrooms, the bar, the lobby—and twittered photo clues as to their whereabouts. Every few minutes, from my dressing room backstage, I could hear a giant cheer coming from the house as one by one, each penis was discovered.
8. I emailed Sxip to ask him what those people wound up with. In one case, at the request of the backer, he arranged a piano composition orchestrated by the backer’s wife, and performed it for them live at Joe’s Pub in New York City. I’m sure they got their money’s worth.
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Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Foreword
Begin Reading
Epilogue
Afterword
A Note from the Author
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Newsletters
Copyright
Copyright
Certain names and identifying characteristics have been changed.
Copyright © 2014 by Amanda Palmer
Cover design by Elizabeth Connor
Cover photographs © Allan Amato
Body painting by Jason Shawn Alexander
Spine/front flap photograph © Geoff Spear
Cover copyright © 2014 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Grand Central Publishing
Hachette Book Group
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New York, NY 10104
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twitter.com/grandcentralpub
First ebook edition: November 2014
Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Hachette Speakers Bureau provides a wide range of authors for speaking events. To find out more, go to www.hachettespeakersbureau.com or call (866) 376-6591.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
Ukulele photo by Natasha Moustache. Bride photo by Michael Volpe. Amanda Palmer photo by Pixie Vision. Brian Viglione photo by Pixie Vision. Crowdsurfing photo by David Aquilina. Kissing Tattoo photo by Hayley Rosenblum. Piano Ninja Gig photo by Lyndon Hood (scoop.co.nz). Naked Marker photo by Strangelfreak aka Luis Pedro de Castro. Naked Yana painting by Amanda Palmer. We Are the Media photo by Shervin Lainez. Blake photo by Shira Shaham. Bride with Children photo by Michael Volpe. Hermosa Ninja Gig photo by Lindsey Byrnes.
ISBN 978-1-4555-8107-8
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