Beyond the Mask

by Sharron McKinlay

  “It’s no use Nick. She’s hungry but too upset to take the bottle. She’ll give in eventually. She’ll have to.”

  “Give her to me.” Their voices were just outside my door. “Leave her with me for awhile Janet. And please show Peter in when he arrives.”

  ................................................

  The rain beat down mercilessly. As I looked outside everything looked sodden and slushy. I closed the curtains, yawned and stretched. I was amazed by the weakness in my limbs. I put my robe on and wandered into Anna’s room. The crib was empty.

  I went back into my bedroom and sat on the bed feeling confused and uncertain. It was so quiet that I could hear no noise anywhere, as if I was the only person within miles.

  I’ve been ill, I thought. Today I feel much better. But I don’t even know what day it is.

  I got up and looked in the mirror. My hair desperately needed washing and brushing and I looked terribly thin and pale. It gave me a shock to see myself. But now I must find Anna.

  I walked down the stairs and looked into all the rooms, calling as I went. There was no sign of anyone home. Mrs Williams didn’t appear to be about, Nicholas and Anna were nowhere to be found and I felt a pang of fear. I tried to remain calm but the panic got the better of me and a terrible weakness came over me as I tried to run back up the stairs. I stumbled and found to my dismay I could not make it. I was far too weak. I needed to find Anna quickly. Something was wrong. I sat down on the lowest stair, willing myself to stand up and look further but my head was swimming and I felt nauseous.

  After awhile my head stopped whirling and very slowly I managed to regain my balance and my thoughts.

  The phone, I must ring John. The cell phone had disappeared but I walked slowly down to the study and could not believe it. The study door was open and there was no one there. I lifted the phone to my ear but there was no dial tone, … nothing. I couldn’t believe it. I found John’s number at the back of Nicholas’ work diary and dialled with trembling fingers, silence. I sat down in Nicholas’ large leather office chair. Then John’s words came to my mind. ‘If you ever need me night or day…’

  I pushed the phone back on to the desk and went to the front door, peering out at the dull sky and feeling cold at the wetness of everything. I knew I needed a coat and an umbrella but I knew I couldn’t make the stairs. Desperation drove me to rush out into the rain and the all-enveloping cold. Weakness caused my unsteady feet to stumble. Terror lent me more distance than I thought I could manage in my state of weakness.

  He found me hours later at the very end of the long, never ending driveway. I had fallen. One hand had grabbed the gate as I fell and the other lay twisted beneath me. Despite my condition I was aware of Peter Trinette lifting me into the car and driving me back to the homestead.

  I was barely aware as Nicholas bathed me and changed me into a warm garment. Then I realised Peter Trinette was tending to me medically. Later, much later I heard raised voices. For many days I lay only half alive as pneumonia took hold of my body.

  Chapter Twelve

  The weeks passed by. The weather began to improve as my health returned. Today was the first day I’d been out of bed. Nicholas held me as I slowly, painfully began to walk from my bedroom into the nursery to Anna. I suddenly felt afraid as we entered Anna’s room. What if the crib was empty again? My eyes went immediately to the small bassinette.

  No! Horrified I was about to scream when I caught sight of my daughter in a gleaming white, new cot in the corner of the room. Nicholas helped me over to the cot and I seized Anna and held her tight, hungry to hold her and love her. I was shocked how much she had grown. Anna pulled away and stared at me with her dark eyes. It took a few minutes but then there was a tentative smile.

  “Oh Nicholas, she’s grown so. And her hair, it’s got so much longer.”

  “Well my dear, you’ve been ill for over a month and babies her age grow so quickly.” Anna held out her chubby arms to her father and cried to be held by him.

  “She’s on three solid meals now Kim and is doing well on the bottle. Janet feeds her when I’m at work and I take over when I’m home. Peter says there’s no way you can ever go back to breast feeding. We nearly lost you, you know.” I searched his face but the sudden fleeting look of bitterness vanished and concern came over his handsome face masking it. “Now it’s time to walk back to bed. After a short period you’ll be able to come downstairs and sit in the garden if you wish. The gardens are beautiful just now and it’s so much warmer.”

  Mrs Williams entered the hallway and stood in the doorway and watched as Nicholas helped me back into bed. A slow smug smile settled over her face. The doorbell suddenly reverberated around the house. It sounded loud and demanding. Mrs Williams walked quickly downstairs in her fast moving way.

  Mrs Williams was confronted at the open door by a broad shouldered, familiar figure in a black leather jacket.

  “John!”

  “Good morning, Janet. Is Nicholas in?”

  “No.” She glanced nervously outside and saw Nicholas’ Range Rover in the driveway. “Ah yes, yes he is in. I, I didn’t hear him come in. One moment please. I’ll call him.”

  John tapped his hands impatiently on the door as he waited for her to reappear.

  “Come on in to Nicholas’ study, John. He’ll join you shortly.” Even though he had been here several times in the last eight weeks this was the first time he’d been admitted inside. He wondered why. He waited quite a few minutes before Nicholas finally made an appearance. As Nicholas entered the room, John saw the unmistakeable warmth and friendship on his face. He put out his hands and clasped John’s hands in a warm handshake.

  “Nice to see you John. How are you? How’s your mother keeping?”

  “I’m well and Mum’s keeping me on my toes. She may be getting ancient but she certainly likes to keep her hands on the reins, concerning the farm anyway, even though she’s not local anymore.” They laughed together as old friends do and John was pleasantly surprised by the old sense of comradeship. “How are you Nick, and Kimberley and of course your gorgeous daughter?”

  “Well I’m fit and well as you can see. Anna is nearing six months now and is a joy to us all. But Kimberley I’m afraid has been very ill. She had some sort of virus and then she contracted pneumonia. She’s been given the best medical care there is and in time will be fit and well again.”

  Worry creased John’s face but as Nicholas seemed to be watching him intently, he purposely relaxed. “Nick, would you let me see her for a few minutes? Actually, the reason I came over was to ask you and Kimberley for dinner. Mum’s been complaining for ages that she’s never even met Kimberley and now she’s staying with me for a week or so. She’d love to see you again, Nick.”

  “Well it’ll be some time before Kimberley will be well enough to visit anyone I’m afraid.”

  “Can I see her for a moment?” John knew he shouldn’t ask but was so worried about me that the words tumbled out almost unbidden. Nicholas hesitated for a long moment.

  “Ok. You can go up to see her for a few minutes. Please don’t let her see how shocked you are when you see her.” His tone was cold. “She’s very weak and pale and has lost a lot of weight. Thankfully she hasn’t looked in a mirror yet. For her sake that is. Follow me.”

  He led John up the stairs and asked him to wait outside while he prepared me for the unexpected visit.

  “You have a visitor my dear. John is here and wishes to see you for a few minutes.” He glanced down at the feminine nightie that hung on my thin frame. “Where’s your bed jacket? I’ll get it for you.” He found the delicate lacy, white jacket and helped me put it on. Then he picked up my silver backed hairbrush and gently brushed my hair. He deliberately took his time doing this. I wanted to sink back against him. I resisted the temptation and sat quietly waiting for him to finish. I could tell that Nicholas was deliberately delaying John’s visit.

  Nicholas put the hairbrush back on my
dressing table and bent and kissed me on the cheek. Then he strode over to the bedroom door and opened it. “You may come in now John.” Nicholas went back and sat on the other side of the huge bed, holding my hand possessively. I noticed John found it difficult not to show shock at sight of me but he recovered pretty quickly. There was no way John could ask any questions and for the short time he stayed we spoke only about unimportant things. In my heart I knew he was worried and looking out for me. Then I had an idea. It would only take a few seconds. All I needed to say was help even if I whispered it and he would swing into action and get the police and Anna and I would be free. Nicholas was watching us so closely there was no opportunity to show anything without him knowing my intentions.

  “Would you like to see Anna, John?”

  “I’d love to. Is that ok with you Nick?”

  “Ordinarily, yes, but Mrs Williams is feeding her just now. If you wish you can look in on her on your way out.”

  So there was no time alone while he went and got Anna, no private conversation at all. I could see John was feeling uneasy and out of place in our bedroom. His right hand kept removing a stray lock of hair every few minutes. When John left shortly afterwards I lost hope and felt depressed and weary. I soon fell into a deep sleep.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The weeks slipped by in a blur of inactivity and loneliness. Slowly, very slowly I regained strength in my limbs. I worried about my daughter constantly and felt she was growing away from me. It seemed as though whenever I wanted to hold or play with her, she would be whisked away by Nicholas or Mrs Williams. There was always some excuse why I couldn’t feed her or stay with her and I felt more and more powerless. My protests fell on deaf ears and because of my illness and even longer convalescence Anna seemed to favour Nicholas and Mrs Williams doted on her so much I just couldn’t get much of a look in and I was frustrated about it.

  My hair finally regained its former vibrancy, my colour was healthier but my spirit was so low that when I looked in the mirror it showed in my eyes. They’d become dull and lack lustre. I rarely smiled now and it was an effort for me to do anything. Nicholas was kind to me, kind but distant and he spent more and more time at the stables. He was preparing for another business trip away.

  Peter Trinette still arrived for the occasional weekend but apart from my husband and Mrs Williams, he was the only other person I saw. John didn’t return and I was sure Nicholas, Mrs Williams and probably Peter Trinette had made it impossible for him to get inside the house again.

  My memories of the past few months were indistinct, just a haze of days and nights meshed together. I could vaguely remember the incredible tiredness that I had felt and the horror of finding my daughter missing that day but I didn’t understand any of it and I could hardly remember running out into the rain. Nicholas had never mentioned it and so I never asked.

  My apathy and depression grew worse as the weeks wore on and most days now I didn’t even bother to dress. I didn’t care whether Nicholas was home or not, I’d given up all hope of being free of this place. After many weeks, Mrs Williams stopped following me around everywhere and stopped checking up on me.

  I hardly noticed when Nicholas came downstairs with a large suitcase in his hands. He came into the dining room where I was listlessly watching TV. He was dressed in an expensive suit and when I saw him knew he was going away again.

  “I’ll be back Thursday, Kimberley.” He sat down beside me and surprisingly took my hand. “May I bring something back for you?

  A dress? Some perfume? What would you like?”

  “Nothing thank you, I need nothing.” I said politely. He suddenly bent and kissed my hand and then my cheek in such an intimate way that I looked up into his eyes, surprised. I wanted to believe he cared. I wanted to cry and be held by him, desperate for some sort of normal life but my mind screamed, ‘don’t trust him, don’t trust him.’

  ‘Ok darling. I will see you Thursday then.” He strode off and I watched his lean, muscular body as he moved. I couldn’t believe the stirring of emotion his kindness had elicited in me. I still wanted his love, needed some love but knew he wasn’t genuine. He didn’t want me or need me and I felt used, empty and discarded.

  .................................................

  I saw Mrs Williams walk by talking and cuddling Anna. I wanted to call out and take my daughter from that woman who was so cold and disapproving to me but who could be so warm and loving to Nicholas and Anna. I felt powerless to do anything about it.

  John’s voice came to me unexpectedly. ‘If you ever need me...’ But I felt too helpless to do anything constructive. I just felt helpless, tired and dispirited. Though I was not chained up here physically, emotionally I was a prisoner in this big house. At first my love for Nicholas and Anna had prevented me from fleeing again but now I just could not think of any way to change things.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I slept a deep dreamless sleep, well over on my side of the huge bed as was my habit now. When Nicholas returned on Thursday night, I stirred and opened my eyes. He stood bending over me, watching me. He reached out a hand and touched my hair and face so very gently. Through the mists of sleep I saw anguish on his face and thought I was dreaming. In my dream he held me, caressed me and loved me. Because my life was devoid of love and hope I responded to him.

  Afterwards without a word, he’d taken clean clothes and gone into the bathroom. I lay there fearful of his return, afraid to see coldness in his eyes and regret. But I didn’t see him again till the next day and then he had returned to his former distant self.

  The next day I was looking through the magazines he’d bought me on a previous trip and I noticed the date on it. October the 20th. October the 20th was my birthday. I had dressed well today. I was looking better than I had for months. An inner pride had taken hold of me after last night and I didn’t want Nicholas to see me in disorder. But he’d barely looked at me. I’d dressed in an elegant emerald green, jersey silk dress and for the first time in months, had put on makeup.

  I got up from the couch and walked quickly down the long hall. Nicholas’ study door was shut and I stood outside debating whether to knock or not. Suddenly I heard his voice and it sounded desperate.

  “Peter I can’t wait any longer. It has to be next week.” Silence for a few moments, then “Ok, tomorrow then. We’ll talk then.”

  I crept down the hall quickly and went back to the sitting room. My heart was racing in fear though I did not know what Nicholas meant by his conversation. I felt like some sort of trap around me was clutching tighter. Later when Nicholas strode by I called out to him.

  “What is it? I’m on my way out.”

  “I wanted to ask you what date it is today.”

  “Oh?” He seemed very surprised but looked at his watch. “The 2nd of November.”

  “I’m now 23 then. I turned 23 on October 20th.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I’d forgotten. It’s not important.”

  “But it is, of course it is. I have to go away again tonight. I know I’ve only just come back from a trip but this is essential business. I’ll buy you something special to celebrate your birthday, plus I’ll get Janet to make you a cake and...”

  “I don’t want any fuss Nicholas.”

  “A birthday is an occasion for a fuss. I’ll go and see Janet before I go. Tomorrow night we celebrate. I’ll be home by six; we’ll eat at seven. I’ll pick up some champagne.”

  I turned my face away and tried to hide the tears that threatened to overwhelm me. I recalled in the first few months of our marriage we’d often drink champagne and sit before the fire together when he’d been in one of his charming moods. I recalled that it was then that I had fallen in love with him, this beautiful stranger I’d married. What was beyond the mask? What was he capable of? What did he plan for me or Anna, or both of us? If only I knew. I looked back at him and he was staring at me, mesmerised.

  “What is it Nic
holas,” I ventured to ask.

  “Nothing, nothing to do with you.” He strode out not looking back. I heard him moving quickly up the stairs, then soon afterwards back down. Seconds later I heard the front door slam.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I woke early next morning to a cold spring day. We’d had some lovely spring days but now it felt like we were propelled back into mid-winter. Living so close to the mountain often made Taranaki colder than some areas.

  I dressed carefully in a pale pink angora sweater and straight navy skirt. I brushed my hair till it shone and applied a tiny amount of makeup. I felt fine today. I felt fine because Nicholas had said to me he was going to make a fuss for my birthday. Was he really going to? I had no idea. I knew that I was in denial but I felt better just thinking that it could be like our first few months together. Oh let it be like that Nicholas, please, my heart said. In my head it was different but I was so desperate for love and the words I’d heard him say in his office, that I’d dismissed my fears.

  I wandered past Anna’s open nursery door and was not surprised to see her gone. Mrs Williams would be feeding her downstairs. I decided that today, while Nicholas was gone, I would insist I had my daughter to myself.

  Mrs Williams was in the kitchen when I came downstairs. “Mrs Williams, where is Anna?”

  “She’s not here. Nicholas took her with him.”

  “Nicholas! But he left late last night. I checked on Anna myself before I went to bed.”

  “You went to bed early. Nicholas decided at the last moment that he would take her with him. I don’t know why you’re so surprised. Anna and Nicholas have become very close since you were ill. I saw to it that he had everything he needed for her. They’ll be back this evening.” She turned away and began to get out the coffee machine and breakfast utensils. “What do you want for breakfast today?” She didn’t look round to ask me and I was used to her coldness so it didn’t even worry me.