Finding Flynn

by Alexandria Bishop

  Jax jumps up out of his chair, unable to hold anything back any longer. “Hold the fucking phone. Are you telling me that Carl fucking Wilson is your dad? We bust our ass for an indie label when you have this man in your damn pocket. What the fuck, Flynn!”

  Holding all of my anger inside, I turn to Jax, “You don’t get to be pissed at me right now. We’ll talk about that shit later.” I turn back to my dad. “We need to find somewhere else a little more private to have this conversation.”

  He nods his head and walks over to the nurse’s station. She’s clearly starstruck and her attempt at flirting is pathetic. My dad has never dated nor has he been interested in another woman since my mom died. He always said she was his soul mate and he could never find another woman as perfect for him as she was. That is unless he’s been fooling around with Ashtyn’s mom; then I have no idea if I can believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.

  Not one to ever keep his mouth shut, Jax continues, “Seriously, Flynn, your fucking dad?”

  Clenching my jaw I say, “Drop it, Jax. We’ll talk later.”

  Luckily, he shuts up and backs off. I always said my past was a time bomb and it just exploded. I hope the casualties are kept at a minimum. What the fuck am I going to do about that?

  My dad starts walking down the hallway without a word. I follow him into a conference room. I park myself in a chair while he paces back and forth across the floor. Suddenly, he stops and turns toward me.

  “I would never cause someone else’s marriage to fall apart. Audrey and I are friends. It’s not, nor would it ever be, more than that. I loved your mother deeply and no woman could ever compare. She was it for me in this life.”

  Sitting across from me, he rubs his hand over his face and runs his fingers through his hair. He’s completely worn down. His eyes are bloodshot and, if his sunken in face is any indication, he’s lost a lot of weight too.

  It’s been three years since the last time I saw him. The minute I graduated high school, I left and didn’t look back. The man sitting across from me is a complete stranger. Sure, I grew up living in the same house as him, but he wasn’t the one who raised me. I had nannies for that. This conversation is the most we’ve ever spoken to each other.

  I don’t know which is worse, having a parent who died or a parent who’s still alive but chooses to not be a parent at all. At least a dead parent doesn’t have the choice to be in your life. What’s his excuse, though? I don’t think I can even call him my dad if I’m honest with myself. That title should only go to the parents that actually deserve it.

  “I get it.”

  He looks up at me and asks, “Get what?”

  “What you must have been feeling the day I was born. Like half of your soul was missing the moment Mom died. I know Ashtyn is still here but for a while there, I knew exactly how you felt.”

  “You love her?”

  “I do.”

  “The day you were born, Flynn, was the best and worst day of my life all wrapped into one. It breaks my heart your mom can’t be here.”

  “What was so good about that day? You hate me.”

  “I’ve been a shitty father, but that kills me. I could never hate you.”

  I squeeze my hands into fists. Nothing he’s saying right now makes any sense. “Explain my childhood then.”

  “Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. I wasn’t much older than you are now when you were born. I was basically a kid and your mother had just died. I didn’t know anything about raising a child so I did the only thing I knew how to—I spent all my money providing the best for you.”

  “I didn’t need any of that shit. I needed you. I needed a father. I needed you to tell me I wasn’t the reason that my mother was gone. That her dying wasn’t my fault.”

  My entire body is shaking and I’m moments from falling apart. I swallow the saliva in my mouth and close my eyes to prevent my unshed tears from falling. This is not the time to become emotional. I’ve cried enough tears over the years for this man, and I can’t let him see me get this out of control.

  “Shit, Flynn, is that what you think? You believe you killed your mom?”

  “I used to. Ashtyn is starting to help me realize otherwise, but I blamed myself. I put so much guilt on my shoulders thinking you hated me because I killed Mom.”

  He leans his head down and lets out a loud breath of air. I can’t even look at him anymore. I was not prepared to hash everything out right now.

  “I guess I royally fucked up in the parenting department. You’re the only part of your mom I have left. I would never blame you. She made the decision and nobody was going to stop her. She gave up her life for yours. I miss her every single day but I’m extremely proud of the person you’ve become. She would be too.”

  My whole life I thought he hated me and wished I’d never been born. I don’t regret how things have turned out, though. If I’d known otherwise, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I had to get out on my own and make something of myself.

  There’s a pretty good possibility I still would have met Ashtyn at some point, but I can’t honestly say I know things would have turned out the same. They say everything happens for a reason, and I would like to believe that’s true. You can’t control everything in life but every decision you make alters the outcome of your future.

  “I don’t know what to say, Dad. I lived the first twenty-one years of my life believing you hate me. How am I supposed to trust anything you’re saying to me right now? Who’s to say the minute you go back home, things won’t just go back to normal?”

  Sighing heavily, he says, “You can’t trust a word I’m saying. It’s my own damn fault we’re in this situation or having this conversation right now. All I can say is, I do want to have a relationship with you, and I need to earn your trust. I get it.”

  “Here’s one thing I don’t get though. If you loved me so much, why did you kick me out of the house here? Was it some sort of tough love, making me homeless?”

  His mouth falls open and his eyes bug out of his head. “No, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal for you to go and get your own place. You have all of that money sitting in the bank.”

  “I haven’t touched a dime from that account. I never wanted to have anything to do with you or your money.”

  “You don’t understand, Flynn. It’s not my money and it never has been.”

  Now I’m the one that’s confused. “What are you talking about?”

  “I guess I haven’t told you the story about your mom and I. Growing up, I was a spoiled trust-fund baby and, much like you, I had no relationship with my parents.” He gives me a pained expression but continues on with his story. “When your mom and I met, we were both lost. Lost souls just drifting through life, not actually living it.”

  “Hence the name, Lost Souls Records. I know this much.”

  “When we found each other, that lost feeling was gone. We started the label to help others just like us, broken down and lost. Your mom wanted to stick strictly to the business side of things, but I wouldn’t let her. I knew she was a star from the moment I met her. She had a way of lighting up any room she walked into and had the ability to make everyone smile. I felt like I was half of a person until I met her.”

  “I know how you feel.”

  And it’s true. Every word he’s saying about Mom is how I feel about Ashtyn. Something was always missing in my life but I never knew what it was. Something felt off, incomplete, until the day Ashtyn walked into my life.

  I might not have known what was going on at the time, but I do now. I never believed in soul mates but Ashtyn is my soul mate.

  “Then you understand. I wanted to put her happiness ahead of mine. Every time she picked up a guitar, it was like she was home. She would emanate happiness, and I wanted her to always have that feeling. Finally, she gave in and started performing. And you know what happened next.”

  “Yeah, well, everybody knows her name. To this day, pop
stars still try to emulate her. What does any of this have to do with money?”

  “I didn’t need the label for money. I had my trust fund for that. And I refused to take any of your mom’s money. At the time, I didn’t know about her heart condition so we started putting everything she was making into a savings account. After you were born, I had the account put in your name. Any of the royalties I get from your mom’s music still go into that account.”

  “So it’s my money to do whatever I want with it?”

  “Yes and no. It’s a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo but basically, once you turned eighteen a small amount was made available to you every month. The rest is yours once you turn thirty or when you get married, whichever comes first. I don’t want you to turn around and spend it irresponsibly though.”

  I laugh. Even though I had everything available to me as a kid, I was never a spoiled brat. I don’t spend lavishly. When I was sixteen, I found an old beat-up late 70s Harley Davidson Sportster. It looked like shit but I knew it had to be mine. The dude at the junkyard didn’t even charge me for it.

  I spent the next two years of my life working any job I could find to fix it up. I quite literally put my blood, sweat, and tears into my bike. As soon as I could, I got my license and, while the other trust-fund babies were driving their Mercedes and BMWs, I had my motorcycle.

  “I’m not a lavish spender. If you had been around when I was growing up, you’d know the two most expensive things I own are my motorcycle and my guitar. But now I know I don’t have to work at the pub anymore, and I can move out of my piece of shit apartment.”

  “You’re right. I don’t know you but I want to.”

  Having this heart-to-heart is weird. I’m not gullible enough to think anything is going to change overnight but we’re heading in the right direction. Things get awkward the longer we sit in silence. I clear my throat at the same time he does.

  “I’m glad we had this chat.”

  “Yeah, me too, Dad.”

  “I’m going to take off. Can you let Audrey know I stopped by? Have her call me when she gets the chance. No rush, obviously.”

  “Yeah.”

  We stand there unsure whether or not to go for a handshake or hug. He starts to lean forward for a hug at the same time that I put my hand out. Correcting, I start to hug and he switches to a handshake. We both chuckle uncomfortably when I lean forward and grab him for a hug.

  We’re both shocked at first, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I hugged my dad, if ever. His eyes are glistening with unshed tears. I’ve never seen my dad cry before. He’s always seemed like a cold-hearted bastard with no emotions, but I guess I was wrong. Then again, after this conversation, it seems I was wrong about a lot of things.

  “I will talk to you soon, Flynn.”

  “Sounds good, Dad.”

  He walks out of the room, and I stand there in a daze. I never thought I’d have a civil conversation with my dad. I always said this was going to be my year. I associated that with music but it has been in more ways than one. Shaking myself out my daze, I head out of the room and back to everyone else. I have another uncomfortable conversation to have.

  Back in the waiting room, everyone is gone except for Jude. Ashtyn’s dad and sister are in the room with her and her mom. I’m not sure where Jax could be unless he went home, after all. Luckily, Jude answers my question before I even have to ask it. “He went out for a smoke break after you had the talk with your dad?”

  He asks it like a question, and I don’t blame him. I didn’t tell anyone who I was, and Jax especially is pissed. Hopefully, after I explain things, he’ll get it. Sure, my dad is one of the best in the industry, but to me he has always pretty much been a stranger. Well, up until twenty minutes ago.

  “Thanks, man. I’ll explain things later but right now I am going to find Jax.”

  He nods his head and goes back to focusing on his phone. I’m an asshole that didn’t even consider that Jude hasn’t left the hospital either. He’s been here the entire time with us. I don’t want him to be obligated to be here just because Ashtyn and Chloe are here.

  “Hey, Jude.” He looks back up at me. “You can go back to the apartment, you know. You don’t have to stick around here just because we are.”

  “Yeah, I’m sticking around for Abbie. She’s kind of a wreck right now, and I helped calm her down. She wouldn’t let me leave even if I wanted to. Besides, we’re brothers, right? Brothers help each other out.”

  I smile at the repeated words I said to him before. We’re brothers and this just reaffirms Jude should be in our band. He only just joined us at the end of the school year but already he’s fitting right in.

  “Alright. I’ll be outside if anyone needs me.”

  “Okay.”

  Outside, I find Jax leaning up against the wall, smoking. He always turns into a chain smoker when he’s stressed. It’s weird because he can go weeks at a time without ever lighting up, but the minute there’s any sort of tension or stress, he can smoke an entire pack in one sitting. I don’t know how his body can take that kind of abuse.

  “I know you’re pissed, and we obviously need to talk.”

  Completely ignoring me, he just continues puffing away as if I’m not even there. I know he’s mad that I didn’t tell him. Of all people, he should be the one to know since he’s my best friend, but that doesn’t mean he can act like a kid and give me the silent treatment. He’s being kind of ridiculous.

  “C’mon, Jax, stop acting like a child. You don’t even know the situation. If you would acknowledge that I’m standing right here maybe you would find out a thing or two. You’re my best friend and I didn’t want you to find out that way. But understand when I tell you that I had a good reason for not divulging that information.”

  “Really? Please enlighten me. One of the top record labels in the country is owned by your father. Your fucking father. Please tell me what could possibly be a good reason why we just signed with some nobody label when we obviously could be instant rock stars with your dad.”

  I sigh heavily and close my eyes. “You’re so far off on your thinking with this one, Jax. Did you ever wonder why I came up here every summer alone? Why you never once met my dad? Or why I never mentioned anything about my mom?”

  “You said he was a jackass that loved his job more than you. I didn’t think there was more to it than that. I guess I assumed your mom wasn’t in the picture.”

  “He was sending me away, Jax. You now know who my dad is so I’m sure it’s not too hard to figure out who my mom was. In order for me to be born, my mom had to die. It’s a pretty fucked up sad story but that’s the gist of it.”

  “Shit, Flynn. So you never knew your mom?”

  “Obviously not.”

  “Sorry, I’m just thinking out loud. This is a lot to take in. Not to sound insensitive, but what does that have to do with you and your dad.”

  “My mom was his soulmate. He basically died that day. He didn’t know how to be a dad so I was raised by nannies. Dude, I don’t even know my dad. The conversation I just had with him is the most we’ve ever talked in my life.”

  “Seriously? How is that possible?”

  “He was a douche that chose to work rather than spend his time with me. He didn’t know how to deal and did what he thought was right—not my words, his. Seriously, I grew up thinking he hated me, and I literally just now found out that’s not the truth.”

  “That’s intense, Flynn.”

  “Yeah, so do you get it now? We’re essentially strangers. Would you walk up to Louis Posen and ask him for a record deal?”

  “Jeez, Flynn, I get it but that’s still pretty fucked up. And do you realize you just compared your dad to Louis Posen? Lost Souls is a pretty fuckin’ big deal up against Hopeless, just sayin.”

  “Yeah, but you got the point. My past wasn’t sunshine and rainbows, but I don’t like to lay my shit onto other people. I’m a pretty private person and I would prefer to suffer alone
than ask for help from anyone else. That’s why I didn’t want to go there. Besides, even if things were different, wouldn’t you always wonder if we were actually good? Sure, we’d have instant success and everyone would know our name but would that be because of us or our attachment to my dad? This way, we know that it’s because of us and nobody else.”

  Putting out his cigarette, he nods his head, and I can tell he’s thinking. “Shit, Flynn, I feel like a fucking asshole. You should have told me all of that years ago. How am I supposed to believe that I’m your best friend, if you keep shit like that from me? Makes me wonder what else you’re hiding.”

  “That’s it. I let all my demons out there and you know everything now.”

  Shaking his head, he says, “Fuck. That explains a lot about you now. You’ve always been dark and moody but I just assumed that was an image you were going for. You know, the whole brooding lead singer thing.”

  I just laugh because of course Jax would think something like that. It’s always about getting the next piece of ass with him. Although, if I wanted to, I totally could have exploited that because, as it was, women were constantly throwing themselves at me. He laughs right along with me and I know that things between Jax are going to be fine now.

  I just wish I would have listened to Ashtyn and told Jax a lot sooner. I will never let her know that she was right, and I was wrong, though. What kind of a guy would I be if I did that? Remembering the other guys in the band, I realize that I have to have this conversation one more time. It’s kind of getting tiring, but I put myself into this situation.

  “Shit! I still have to tell Hudson and Jude.”

  “Don’t worry about it. You have Ashtyn to worry about. I’ll take care of the guys. No big deal.”

  That right there is why Jax is my best friend. To outsiders, he appears to be a massive douche but he always has my back. We’re brothers and we always will be. I wish Erin hadn’t crushed him the way she did. The old Jax is slowly coming back but he still has a long way to go.

  “Thanks, Jax.”

  He nods his head and we go back into the waiting room.