When the performance is over, we stand to leave. I heft Jordyn onto my hip in order to not lose her in the heavy crowd, and Justin’s warm fingers lace with mine as he pulls me along beside him. There is something in the way he is holding tightly to me. Like I am his. I know this is wrong and that I should let go of his hand immediately, but I've missed feeling this way so much that I can't stop myself from accepting it.
What if someone sees us?
I ignore the little voice in my head because I want to remain in my fantasy. Pretend that my life wasn’t my life and the one I just created in my head was real just for a little while longer.
We make our way through the crowd and to the back room where the little performers are waiting for their parents to pick them up. I scan the crowd for Olivia, and my heart stops dead. Alex is kneeling down in front of her, nodding enthusiastically as she speaks. Luckily his back is to us but still I instantly drop Justin’s hand and he looks at me first in confusion before following my gaze. When understanding seems to dawn on him, he takes a reluctant side step creating more distance.
“Mommy! Mr. Justin! Look what Daddy brought me!” Olivia rushes forward with a large bouquet of pink roses in her arms. Alex turns at the same time in our direction. His smile immediately transforms from relaxed to tight as his eyes shift several times between Justin and I. Swallowing down the feeling of nervousness, I step forward.
“Oh Liv, those are beautiful!” I bent over and hugged my girl while glancing at Alex. “When did you get here? You said you were staying another night.”
Alex’s eyes are still studying Justin before he looks back to me and replies tightly. “Yeah, I ended up working something out and getting another manager to stand in. I caught my original flight home.” His eyes snap back to Justin, and he extends his hand.
“Alex.” He stiffly states.
That’s when it dawns on me that the two have never met. Alex is making it very obvious that introductions are long past due. Before I can say anything to help the situation, Justin speaks up.
“Justin.” He stiffly states back while shaking hands with my husband and offers no explanation for his presence. Is he intentionally trying to be difficult? A little bit baffled and a lot worried by the stare down Alex and Justin are giving each other I decide to open my mouth and explain, fast.
Jordyn kicks her feet for me to let her down then she and Olivia take off to get a goodie bag from one of the helper moms. Happy to have the girls out of earshot, I turn to stand beside Alex to complete introductions.
“Justin, this is my husband Alex. Alex, this is Justin. He’s one of Cole’s contractors.” Then I quickly go into explaining about Olivia passing out invitations to her recital and making Justin promise to be here tonight. Alex nods in immediate understanding but doesn't say anything. Turning to Justin, I say. “It was very sweet of you to come, Justin. I’m sure you have much better things to be doing on a Friday night.” Like being with women who aren't married and secretly crushing on you.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Justin smiles down at me although it never reaches his eyes. “Yes, Olivia can be very persuasive. I could have used her help with my ex-wife’s lawyer.” He half chuckles.
I knew that was the wrong thing to say, especially after the expression on Alex’s face. While his mouth is drawn into a relaxed smile, his brown eyes are getting darker and his eyelids growing narrower with every passing moment. So what do I do? Add to the awkwardness and fake laugh loudly as if what Justin said was the funniest thing I’d heard all night.
“Oh, stop!” My over exaggerated giggle sounds almost painful as I swat my hand at Justin.
“Yeah, she’s just like her mom in that respect. Both are stubborn and like to get their way.” Alex chuckles, appearing to relax a bit to my relief. I decide to steer the conversation away to a lighter topic.
“She doesn’t get the dancing from me, for sure. I’m probably the least coordinated when it comes to that.”
“It was a great performance. I had no idea that Liv was that good. I’m glad I could make it. I hate traveling so much.” Alex wraps his arm around my waist to pull me closer. “I'm always missing my girls.” He says the last part more for my ears but Justin no doubt heard them because his body stiffens just a bit and he calls out a little too loudly.
“I’d better take off. I’m going to say goodbye to Olivia. Good meeting you, man.” He and Alex shake hands again before Justin steps away, his eyes never meeting mine. I watch as he says a few quick words to Olivia, hugs her and then exits through the side door leading to the parking lot.
“So, he’s one of Cole’s contractors?” Alex asks as he guides me through the crowd and to the girls.
“Yep.” I answer, the sound coming out a bit too high pitched. He simply nods back at me.
After leaving the theater house, Alex took the girls and me for molten choco-lava brownies at our favorite restaurant. He told them we were celebrating Olivia’s solo performance so it was a special occasion that called for a choco-lava brownie dinner. Liv and Jordyn were ecstatic. I watched as both of their eyes glazed over when the waitress set down enormous brownies top with vanilla ice cream, and oozing warm chocolate sauce in front of them. Not a peep was made as they gobbled up their treat. I sipped my coffee and stole quick bites here and there from each girl while Alex ate the actual real food dinner he’d ordered for himself. I was smiling a lot. I loved that we were all out together having a nice time. Things almost seemed normal. Almost.
I had this nagging feeling that Alex was studying me. Not just looking at me but trying to figure something out, and it made me nervous. I found myself not wanting to meet his eyes so I avoided glancing his way as much as I could. Guilt was creeping its way in, and if I looked him in the eye, I knew I would crack. There was nothing going on between Justin and me but I felt that maybe my thoughts counted as cheating. I’ve spent the last ten years completely in love with Alex. I never even looked at other men much less had thoughts like I have with Justin.
I knew that I needed to have a talk with Justin and set boundaries on our friendship. It felt too close to dangerous territory. Things were not the best between Alex and me, but we loved each other. This relationship could be fixed. I wanted to fix it, I just didn't know how.
*****
That night Alex and I had sex for the first time in weeks and afterward, I lay there resting my head against his chest as he drew small circles on my back with his fingers. The sex that night had been amazing but then again with Alex it always was.
Chapter Eight
Past- 10 years ago.
It had been six days since the night I left Alex standing in the middle of the street outside of his house. He hasn't called nor has he come to see me. I felt stupid for a lot of reasons. First, for expecting anything from him. Did I have the right to? It had only been a month since the night of the concert. Second, we never defined what we were or agreed to have anything exclusive. I never asked him if he was seeing anyone else because I assumed that he wasn’t. Third, we never even had sex so why would I think he owed an explanation for what was going on in his room. He was probably fucking Erica this whole time. My mind was trying to make sense of these reasons, but my heart was screaming Fuck Alex! Hell yes, I deserved better than that from him.
It was Wednesday, our water delivery day at the salon, and I knew I would see him. Each time the door chimed, my eyes automatically glanced in that direction and my heart would race in anticipation of seeing him. How would he look? Unaffected, as if we never happened? Would he feel anger towards me for messing up things with Erica? Do I dare hope for him to feel remorseful and look as miserable as I feel?
It was nearing four o'clock, and the delivery still hadn’t been made. I was just beginning to accept that he wouldn’t show today when the door chimed again and this time Alex entered with his delivery cart. I averted my eyes so that my face wouldn't give away the relief I felt and my urge to smile at him.
�
��Hi, Alex.” The salon called out their customary greeting in unison. I imagined that Alex responded with his usual blush and nod as he wheeled past me and completed his work. I knew that I would have to face him in order to sign his invoice, so I calmed my nerves and straightened my spine as he approached. Careful not to meet his eyes, I took the paper from him and scribbled my name quickly before handing it back. He ripped the customer copy away, and I took it from him with a tight smile and a clipped “thanks.” Alex stood there for several moments, not moving. I heard him take in several breaths as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t get it out. Finally, he leaned forward and spoke in a low tone.
“Court, can I talk to you, please?” My eyes moved to his face. God, he was gorgeous. His dark brown eyes held so much tenderness and longing that it hurt to breathe for a moment. With his forehead creased in apprehension, he waited for my response.
“I can’t, Alex.” I looked around at the curious eyes in the room.
“Ok, if not here then where?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know if there is anything to say.”
“There is for me. I have a lot to say. I have one more delivery, and I’ll come back here and wait for you.” He didn’t wait for me to answer. He just grabbed his cart and exited the salon without a backwards glance.
Was it wrong that five minutes later I left before he could come back?
*****
Later that night my roommate, Bianca, claimed that she was tired of my moping and decided to invite a few people over. One of them being Charlie Ward. I used to have a major crush on him until he started seriously dating a girl and suddenly disappeared from the circle. Bianca informed me that he and his girlfriend had broken up recently.
“Charlie is back!” Bianca announced with wiggly eyebrows. “He’s on his way over, so you better go and get ready!” She smacked my behind before disappearing into the kitchen to pull out the liquor stash. Bianca has been my roommate since sophomore year and she is the one who introduced me to Dee.
After a few hours, I was blissfully relaxed after a couple of drinks and had only thought about Alex every few minutes as opposed to every second. Charlie looked better than ever with his thick golden blonde curls falling over his forehead as he grinned at me with deep dimples.
Yeah, I have a thing for curly hair and dimples.
We were sitting on the couch together laughing. He had pulled my legs up and draped them over his lap as we sat close, sipping our beers. We were talking about our wild and drunken nights of the past and the last year that he’s been gone from the circle. Although I had secretly hoped for something to develop between Charlie and me, we were never more than friends.
“Wow, you look good, Court.” Charlie gave me an appraising look. “But you always looked good.” His eyes slowly traveled down my body and back up to my eyes. There was an air of confidence about him that hadn’t existed a year ago. Suddenly liking this about him, I grinned and leaned in closer.
“Well, so do you.” I replied huskily. We held each other’s eyes for a minute, just smiling and reading one another. Then out of nowhere, a vision of Alex popped into my head, and Charlie didn’t feel like the one I wanted to be sitting here next to. As if thinking of him could make him appear, the front door opens and in walks Alex. He scans the room until he finds me and starts heading in my direction. He is stopped a couple of times and gives a couple of quick handshakes and bro-hugs before he walks directly up to Charlie and me.
“Oh, hey what’s up Alex?” Charlie calls out.
“Charlie.” Alex returned Charlie's greeting with a tight chin lift.
I stiffen while my mouth twists in confusion. I didn’t know that Charlie knew Alex.
“Wait, you guys know each other?”
“Yeah, Alex is my cousin. Our grandmothers are sisters.” Charlie shrugs nonchalantly and takes a swig of his beer. Suddenly, I could see the resemblance. Where Charlie was light, Alex was dark. I watched as Alex’s jaw twitched in observance of my legs draped over the other man’s lap while his hand was resting possessively on my outer thigh.
“Is everything okay, man?” Charlie asks, obviously sensing the tension. To my astonishment, Alex simply shakes his head and grabs my hand, tugging me up.
“Not yet, but it will be.” Without another word, he pulled me away from the couch and down the hall to my bedroom. I looked over my shoulder to see a now standing Charlie shaking his head and smiling as he turned to leave through the front door.
As soon as we were on the other side of my closed bedroom door, I yanked my hand from Alex’s grasp.
“What's your problem, Alex?” I spun around to face him.
“What the hell are you doing with Charlie?” He growls between clenched teeth. “Are you fucking him?” My mouth dropped open, and I blinked at him several times in shock before gathering my bearings.
“That’s none of your business.” I huffed.
“The hell it is. We still have things between us that we need to talk about.”
“What? Are you insane? There is no “us” to talk about.” I use quotation fingers and wave my hands frantically. “You made sure of that when you decided to carry on with Erica.” I spat her name out bitterly.
He winced at my words. “I know. I know. It was stupid, but I needed…”
“Don't,” I interrupted and began pacing the room. “Please spare me the details of what you needed from her.” I clutched my stomach because the thought of Alex and Erica together made me ill.
“Court. Stop.” Alex grasped both of my hands and pulled me to sit on the edge of the bed. I tried to resist but not very hard. My stupid body instantly reacted to his touch, betraying me. “Please, sit with me and hear me out.” He implored with those irresistible brown eyes. When I didn’t say anything but remained seated, he began to talk.
“First, I have to start at the beginning with Erica.” His grip tightened on my hands, and he felt me tug away at the mention of her name. “Court, look at me.” He released one of my hands to touch my face. “Settle, baby.” I held his gaze, searching for a reason to bolt and found that I didn’t want to so I nodded.
“Erica,” he paused to gauge my reaction, when I remain seated he continued, “and I have dated on and off since the eighth grade. We grew up together, and she followed me out here from Virginia. We have the same group of friends so even when we break up it’s hard to avoid each other completely.”
I looked up at him and started shaking my head to indicate that the story was not making me feel better.
“She’s always had issues but I cared about her. Her life is a mess and has led her to some dark places. I'll spare you the details but let's just say that I’ve always gone in after her with a flashlight. As messed up as our relationship was, we would always end up back together. Dealing with her is exhausting, but I thought I understood her in a way nobody else could. I was okay with that. I never met anyone that I cared about enough to end things permanently with Erica.” He paused and drew in a shaky breath before continuing.
“That was until I met you, Court. From the moment I saw you, I knew that I had to get to know you. I remember the first day I came into the salon. They had switched my delivery route, and it pissed me off because I liked my old one. I had planned to quit if they didn’t switch me back but once I saw you, I changed my mind.” He looked away bashfully. “Instead of threatening to leave I ended up thanking my boss, Smitty, for the schedule change. I learned your name from the invoice signature, and it was the best day of my life. You just seemed too out of my league, and I couldn't think of anything original enough to get your serious attention, especially with the show the salon puts on when I walk in.” I bit my lip to keep from smiling up at him. I liked the direction his story was headed and I didn’t want to ruin it.
“When I saw you at the concert, I knew I wasn’t going to let you walk away without trying to ask you out. Being with you was even better than I had imagined. I love the way you feel ag
ainst me, and I love the way you smell, the way you taste." His eyes lowered to my mouth as his tongue swiped his lower lip. “I love the way you make me feel. These are things I never felt with Erica. I had to know before I asked you to get serious with me that I was over her. I didn’t call her, she just showed up that night. I admit that I brought her upstairs so that I could tell her about you. She didn’t take it well and got all clingy. What you saw was me searching for a trace of anything I feel for you, with her.” His eyes held mine as he continued to speak, the sincerity in his gaze captivated me. “Please believe me when I say that I felt nothing for her because all I could see was you. Being with her felt wrong, and I realized that I never felt anything close to love for her because I knew what it felt like to love you.”
I gasped at his words. Did he just say he loved me? As if he could read my thoughts, he pulled both of my hands up to his mouth and kissed my palm, his eyes never leaving mine. “I love you, Court.” The light that flashed behind his eyes was blinding. “These past six days have been hell without you. I know I messed up, badly, but I promise you that things are over with Erica forever. I want you to be mine, and I’ll do anything to have you.” He pressed his lips lightly to mine as he spoke. “Tell me what I need to do. Please.”
My brain lost the ability to form coherent thoughts as his mouth slowly devoured mine. I wanted this. I wanted him. I loved him, and he loved me. Call me easy but I desperately wanted to believe his story, and suddenly everything that happened over the past week didn't seem important anymore. The way he was looking at me right now, I knew I would forgive him of anything. Nothing else mattered. I wanted him more than I wanted to breathe. I pulled away and rested my forehead against his.
“Alex, you hurt me. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to share you.” I whispered.
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