Gone.
Chapter Fifteen
Present.
It is Rita who brings the kids home the next morning, to my devastation. I was prepared to beg Alex to listen to me. I would come clean about everything and swear on everything I could think of that I would never hurt him again. Ever. Then proceed to grovel if necessary.
I can see the disappointment in Rita’s eyes though bless her, she never voices it. I knew it was her that convinced Alex that it was wrong to take the girls and insisted on bringing them back.
“I raised my son better than that.” She replies when I thank her for what she’s done. The double meaning in what she meant by that didn’t go unnoticed or maybe it was my guilty conscious picking up clues where there weren’t any.
“Rita, I…” I pause trying to collect my thoughts so that the best possible words can be used to make my point. I desperately want to explain myself to her. It felt like if I could get her to believe me maybe she could convince Alex. “I want to say something about all of this.” When she doesn’t stop me, I continue. “Alex and I have been having a tough time but it in no way excuses what happened. I promise that I never slept with anyone else. I realize that emotional affairs are just as bad…” My attempt at an eloquent explanation comes out more like a jumble of words as I fight back sobs. “I just want him to forgive me. I need him to forgive me. What should I do? ” And that was it. The dam opens, and I could no longer stop the tears.
I feel Rita’s arms wrap around me, her kind voice shushing me as she strokes my hair.
“Courtney, my darling girl. Hush now. My sons are just like their father. Good, hard working men who are full of stubborn pride. They also love so hard that they can be hurt deeply. In my opinion, what you and Alex have is something worth saving but you have to give him the space he needs to come to that conclusion on his own.”
*****
“Good night, little vampire.” I say after I let Jordyn pretend to bite my neck, and I pretend to bite her back. This whole vampire obsession has gotten out of control. Even my three-year-old has been infected.
“‘Night, mama.” I was just about to close Jordyn’s door before her tiny voice interrupted me. “Mama?”
“Yes, baby?”
“Why are you and Dada sad?”
My heart dropped to my stomach, and I felt a wave of nausea. What do we tell the kids? Is there anything to tell?
“Mommy and Daddy had an argument and Daddy is mad with Mommy right now.”
“What you do?”
“Um, well it’s kind of between Daddy and me, Jordyn. Don’t worry yourself, okay? Everything will be fine.”
“When’s he gonna be home?”
Rita dropped them off yesterday, and I haven’t talked to Alex. He’s called to talk to the girls but barely spared anytime speaking to me other than...
“Hello?”
“Can I talk to the girls?”
“Uh…okay.”
I was too hurt to say anything else, and after he finished speaking to them, he would hang up before the phone made it back to me. I’ve sent him numerous texts explaining things as best I could, but I never got a single response from him.
“Baby, Daddy will be home soon.” I hope that I wasn’t lying to my daughter. I would do everything in my power to make sure that happens. “Plus, Christmas is in three days. I know he’ll be home for that.” Jordyn seems satisfied with that answer because she gives me a quick nod and yawn before turning over in her bed to fall asleep.
*****
Two days have passed, and it’s Christmas Eve. Alex sent a text that he would be over to read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to the girls before bed. It was a tradition in my house growing up, and when I told Alex about it, he immediately wanted to start it with our family. Liv can practically recite the book word for word and Jordyn is even able to repeat every few words.
I lean in the doorway as Alex sits on Liv’s bed with each girl curled around him, watching him with transfixed expressions as he animates the story with different voice inflections. Their giggles along with his silliness warm my heart. I stood there unable to keep from smiling at the three people I love most in this world. Alex had read the story twice before the girls started to yawn indicating that a third time wasn’t necessary.
He set down the book and lifted Jordyn into his arms. I stepped forward and covered a droopy-eyed Olivia with her blanket. We each placed a kiss on her cheek and wished her good night.
“Come on, Little Rudolph.” He kisses the top of Jordyn’s head as he carries her from the room and settles her into her bed. I kiss her goodnight as well before we both exit her room and close the door slightly.
All of the warmth from the moment before immediately disappears. The hallway felt cold, so much so that I shiver involuntarily as I watch Alex walk down the stairs without even a backwards glance. He hasn’t made eye contact or spoken more than a few words to me since he arrived. I can hear the opening and closing of the kitchen door that leads to the garage and the clinking of what sounds like tools. I walk down to see that Alex is putting together the girls’ new bicycles.
“I’m going to make some coffee. Did you want a cup? I ask, keeping my voice light and pleasant. Alex simply shakes his head no. “A beer then?” Again another head shake, this time more forceful, indicating that I was starting to annoy him. I decide to retreat into the kitchen and think of another tactic. Now is the time to talk to him. Nobody can stay mad over Christmas, right?
I re-enter with my steaming cup of coffee and an arm full of wrapping paper. We both work silently next to each other. He is building toys, putting in batteries and testing for proper functionality. I am wrapping, labeling and organizing it all around the tree.
A few hours later we were finish and had artfully arranged everything. Frequently standing on the staircase was helpful with deciding if we've created the best wow factor for when the girls walk down in the morning.
I didn’t try to talk to him anymore, thinking that a heavy conversation would spoil things right now. At least he was willingly in the same room with me for the first time in nearly two weeks. I can’t believe it’s been almost two weeks. I haven’t heard from Justin at all. Nor do I want to. God, if there was ever a person I wished I had never laid eyes on.
“Well, it looks like we’re all done. I’m going to get some sleep.” Feeling very awkward about my next question. “Are you staying here or…?” I stopped speaking, not wanting to voice the last part of my question going to leave.
“I’m going to stay here.” He replies before he walks past me and up the stairs. My heart immediately starts to pound. He’s going upstairs!
After I finish turning off all the downstairs lights save the Christmas tree and calm my rapidly beating heart, I casually make my way upstairs and into my room only to find the bed empty. I glance in the direction of the en-suite bathroom to see that the light is off indicating that Alex is not in there. I step back into the hallway and peek into each of the girls’ room to find he isn’t in either one but the door to the spare bedroom is closed, and I can see the blue light from the TV flickering under the door. The disappointment I felt was so crushing at that moment that I had to place my hand against the wall for balance as I quietly returned to my room. I pulled the covers over my head and muffled my sobs with a pillow.
*****
“Open it, Mommy!” Liv squeals as she hands me a small pretty box. I nearly choke on the coffee I had been sipping as I read the label,
For Court
Love, Alex
My eyes immediately went to his. His expression shows he must have forgotten about the present by the double take followed by the noticeable flush to his cheeks. I realize that this was a before gift.
“How about I open this after you girls are all done?” Not wanting to make either one of us uncomfortable. “Liv, I see a present for you right there and another for Jordyn right here.” I set aside the box and busy myself with gathering the remainder of the
girls’ presents.
“Come on, Mama. Want you to open it!” Jordyn grabs the gift and hands it back to me. I can’t lie and say I’m not curious about what’s inside. I chance another quick glance at Alex, but he’s gathering up wrapping paper and stuffing it into a trash bag. I hold my breath as I slowly peel away the paper until I reach a small white, flat box. Inside is a silver chain with a round pendant. There are diamonds swirling around in the middle of the circle, making some sort of design. As I stare at trying to decide what it is I hear Liv exclaim, “I see an A!”
When I look at it, I see the A as well and as I study it longer I see a C has been looped into the A. The two letters have been joined together so well that it’s hard to tell where one letter stops, and the other begins.
The tiny inscription reads “For My True.”
******
9 years before.
“Baby, come on. The reservations are for seven.”
“Oh, I'm coming. Just need to find my black clutch.”
Today was our one-year anniversary and Alex had made a reservation at a fancy restaurant for us. Orchid Manor, a mansion that was converted into a 5-star hotel. I told him that I would have been happy staying home, but he was adamant, in fact, he’d been acting strange all week and even as we were getting ready he seemed jittery. I asked him how much coffee he had had today because sometimes he can overdo it and be wired for hours. He insisted that he was fine.
When we finally made it down to my car, it wouldn’t start.
“Shit!” He growled as he opened the door and popped the hood. “It’s the fucking starter.”
“Damn.” I sighed as my mind tried to recall what it would cost to replace the starter. “We’ll just have to take your truck.”
Alex drove a beat up dark blue pickup. It might look like shit, but it runs really well. Alex loves that truck and spends a great deal of time and money on maintaining it. I asked him why he doesn't do something to the outside, but he said that it was his grandfather’s truck, and it looks exactly the same as it did before Pop Turner passed away.
“Baby, we can’t go to Orchid Manor in that. They have valet parking. There is no way I’m handing over the keys to that piece of shit.” His word shocked me, I knew how much he adored that truck, and in fact he would live in it if he could. My car wasn’t fancy either. It was a six-year-old Honda my parents recently passed onto me. I got out and walked around the front of the car. “Alex, honey. It’s okay. We can go out another night…
“I’ll call Cole and borrow his car.” He steps off into the direction of the apartment.
“Alex, it’s not a big deal, babe.”
“You don’t understand. It is a big deal. I want everything to be perfect just like I planned.”
“Like you planned?” I questioned while twisting my head to the side, studying him. “It’s just dinner.”
“No, Court. It’s not.” The look of devastation and failure on his face broke my heart, so I pulled him close to me in a hug. I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck. “It’s fine. All I want is to be with you.” I whispered against his skin. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. More than I can ever tell you.” He whispered in return before he set me away from his body slightly as he appraised me with his eyes. “You look so beautiful tonight. I’m a lucky sonofabitch.” His grin was infectious, and I felt myself grinning back. “I can’t believe that you’ve put up with my ass for a year.”
“Babe, it was easy.” I reached up and stroked the side of his face. “Being with you is everything I’ve ever wanted.”
“Really?
“Really.”
“Court. I love you so much.” He pauses, letting his eyes roam over my face. “I didn’t know what it felt like to really love someone until I met you. Hell, I can’t even remember my life before you. Love,” He pauses and shakes his head. “I thought it was a fleeting emotion, something that eventually fades like lust. Now I know that real love is when the soul meets its true mate. True and undeniable. It’s as instinctual as the need to eat, sleep or breathe. Like a puzzle piece that only fits in one place, you are my home, the only place I belong. You are it for me. My true.” He reaches into his pocket and at the same time asks. “Courtney Petunia Collins, will you marry me?”
My mouth gapes open as I watch him sink to his knees while reaching into his pocket and revealing the most beautiful diamond ring I have ever laid eyes on. So unique from anything I’d seen before. It was a single solitaire diamond surrounded by small sapphire stones that formed what looked like little flower petals. It was so dainty and perfect.
I must have stared wordlessly for what seemed like ages until Alex’s voice cut through the haze.
“Baby? You’re killing me.” I looked down to see his eyes were full of nervous hope.
“Yes.” I breathe as the tears began to fall down my cheeks. “Yes, yes, yes!” I threw my arms around his neck as he stood and swung me around, both of us laughing like idiots and not caring who saw. When his lips met mine, it was the sweetest kiss full of pure happiness.
“You are my true.” I whispered against his lips. The smile he gave me was so bright. The love between us felt tangible, like a blanket that surrounded us both. Alex slipped the ring on my finger; he later explained that it once belonged to his grandmother Ava, Rita’s mother. It fit perfectly. I watched as Alex lifted his face to the sky and yell for all to hear. “She said yes!” I could hear the faint sounds of clapping and cheers in the distance, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the beautiful man in front of me to investigate the sounds. I just stood and marveled at the new realization that this man would be mine forever.
He carried me up the stairs to our apartment with my legs wrapped around his waist; our fancy dinner reservations forgotten.
As soon as the door closed, he immediately set to work on removing my dress. My hands made quick work of his belt buckle and zipper until I could reach in and grab his throbbing erection. He hissed at my touch.
“I want you so bad, baby.” He groaned as I worked him up and down with my fist. He removed my bra exposing my breasts and stared at them greedily before pulling one nipple into his mouth while he circled and pinched the other tight peak with his hand. I pushed his pants down until they fell completely to the floor and then lowered myself to my knees. I grabbed is cock firmly, licking the pre-cum forming at the tip before taking him fully in my mouth.
“Ah, God.” He groaned as he grabbed the back of my head, pushing his hips forward. I relaxed my throat so that I could take him deeper. I watched as Alex threw his head back, before his gripped tightened, and he pulled me away.
“I want to be buried inside you when I come.”
He laced his fingers with mine and led me back to our bedroom.
We lay beside each other completely naked and slowly savored one another. Alex was nipping at the side of my neck as I ran my hands along his body and down his taut stomach, one leg resting over his hip. He slid his hard-on along my wet folds, both of us moaning from the contact and enjoying the tease. When his mouth found mine, he moved so that he was on top of me, nestled in the right spot between my thighs.
He framed my face with his hands, and he plunged his tongue into my mouth unhurried. I couldn't stop my hips from grinding against him. His touch was setting my body on fire. We had made love before, but tonight it felt different. My heart was wide open to him. I had agreed to be his wife. To be forever his and he forever mine. The vulnerability in that was freeing; to give yourself to someone completely and to be given the same in return. It was almost as if we were discovering each other for the first time.
When he finally slid inside me, I was so swollen and wet for him that I had to take several deep breaths in order to stop myself from coming immediately.
Our eyes stayed locked on each other as we whispered words of love, forever and to always be each other’s true.
“I love you so much it hurts.” Alex murmured. “Promise that you will al
ways be mine.”
“I promise. I will always be yours.”
“Good. Because I honestly don’t think I can live without you.” He let me see his unprotected heart in his eyes, and it broke me into a million pieces. I knew I would never let him go.
We rocked slowly together until I felt my insides tighten around him, and his stomach muscles started to contract simultaneously. We let the sensation have us, this overwhelming love our bodies have created. We laced our fingers and held each other's eyes as we fell over the edge of bliss together.
Chapter Sixteen
Present.
My fingers caressed the necklace around my neck, having put it on at the girls’ insistence, only just now able to admire it as I stared at in the bathroom mirror. It was beautiful, and custom made by Fire and Ash Designs according to the silk liner inside the box. I had never heard of it and made a mental note to research it later.
After I’d opened the gift, things became even more awkward between Alex and me, as if that were even possible. I had also left my Christmas gifts for him under the tree. Some memorabilia from his favorite football team and a new carry-on bag for travel since his current one is looking worn. None were as thoughtful as his gift to me. In fact, the necklace was probably the nicest thing he had ever given me.
The rest of the day was spent helping the girls with their new toys. Alex took them on a long bike ride while I prepared Christmas dinner. Everything seemed very normal. My mom and dad stopped by, followed by Macy, Judd and the baby. The girls Skyped with Alex's parents for a while, showing off their gifts. I allowed myself to fantasize that things were okay. Maybe if I acted as though things were fine, maybe it would project onto him. Maybe it would make it easier for him to talk to me.
Why did I feel like each minute that passed by I died a little inside at the very real possibility that I had lost him.
Later that night, after dinner and the girls, were settled in their beds. I watched Alex leave. We never did talk.
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