by Jack Ford
‘What the hell is the matter with you?’ Granger dragged Cooper off Rosedale, who grinned, licking the blood from his mouth as he spoke.
‘Can’t remember the last time a man split my lip. I have to give it to you, Thomas, you still have it. Shame for everyone, you didn’t have it when it mattered.’
It was one helluva roar from Granger. ‘Shut it Rosedale…! I want you both in my office. Now!’
12
Gazing out of the large window overlooking the dusty, cactus-filled flatlands leading up to the Granite Mountain, Dax Granger sat back in his hard wooden chair. He was tired. Real tired. Tired enough for the doctor to tell him he had to rest and take it easy. Unfit enough for the doctor to be throwing numbers at him like he was carving up the batter in a baseball game. Blood pressure one sixty over a hundred. Cholesterol level one ninety. Goddamn doctors, only thing they were good at was scaring the life out of people, triggering his wife to start looking for a retirement condo down in South Florida. If that’s what old age and ill health had in store for him, let God take him now. Irritated, he pointed at Rosedale and Cooper with the chewed blue biro top he held in his hand.
‘Is this the way it’s going to be, huh guys? You two at each other’s throats like a pair of Coyotes? I thought it was Maddie and Cooper I had to worry about, but oh no, you always like to prove me wrong.’
Rosedale yawned, adjusting the angle of his large cream cowboy hat whilst looking down at his watch.
‘You got some place else you need to be, Rosedale?’
Rosedale smirked, lighting his cigar. ‘Hell no, I’m staying around for the entertainment.’
Not having said anything so far, Cooper kept his words to a minimum. He took a drag from his cigarette. ‘You should’ve told me.’
Granger pulled a face. ‘I don’t need to discuss my staffing policies with anyone, least of all you. You’re here to do a job, nothing else.’
Cooper had a feeling the man was enjoying this. But he tried not to focus on that. Pills had a way of making a man feel paranoid. ‘Then tell me why.’
Rosedale cut in. Grinned widely. ‘I think that’s plain obvious, don’t you, Thomas?’
‘What’s he talking about?’
Granger had never been a man who liked to be questioned and today was no different. He snapped and barked and growled. ‘You were away where you shouldn’t have even been. I was a man down.’ He shrugged his shoulders to mark the end of his sentence.
‘And that’s it?’
‘That’s it, Cooper. Nothing more than a short tale.’
Rosedale said, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t say that.’
Granger stared hard at him. ‘Cut it out.’
Cooper turned to Granger. He wanted answers. But more than that he didn’t want anyone to be making him their fool. ‘I’m missing something here, aren’t I…? What’s going on?’
Drinking the coffee Maddie hadn’t bothered sugaring – orders from his wife – Granger sighed, not wanting to say anything more.
At which Rosedale was clearly amused. He winked. ‘Somebody thinks you need your hand holding, Thomas. So who better? Here I am. You’ve got yourself a babysitter.’
‘I don’t get it… Granger… I’m talking to you.’
Cooper could see Granger was uncomfortable. Forced into a corner. And he wasn’t about to let him out.
‘Okay, I got a call, but Cooper, you’ve got to understand…’
Cooper put his hand up to stop Granger saying anymore. ‘Oh I understand alright, and you can bet your life I’m going to go and sort it out.’
13
‘Hey Jackson, it’s Coop.’ Exhaustion threatened to overwhelm Cooper, but nothing could stop the strength of his feelings coming through in his voice. And in return he received the same warmth and love back. It felt good.
‘Coop! Hey Coop! Levi told me you were back. Thank God you’re okay. I was worried. I thought… hey, it’s good to hear your voice. I tried to call you at the ranch, got the answer machine… I missed you, man… Anyway, when you coming across?’
Hearing Jackson’s voice gave Cooper the first real sense of relief since he’d been back. And even though he knew it was only a fleeting moment, when he spoke to Jackson it always felt like everything was going to be just fine. Real fine.
‘I’ve got a couple of days off, thought I’d fly over tonight, but I’ve got something I need to do first so I’m not sure what time. I’ve got Cora with me. I know she’d like to see you and I’m trying to make up for being a deadbeat dad.’
‘Well let her know I’m looking forward to seeing her too. You flying yourself?’
‘No, I thought I’d catch the red eye.’
Jackson laughed. ‘Shatters my illusion Coop. You on a red eye. Can’t quite see it, man.’
‘Stranger things have happened Jackson, just you believe it. And besides, I’m tired and I don’t think Maddie would thank me if I flew solo with Cora.’
‘She’s got a point. Which reminds me, Levi told me about you and Maddie. I’m sorry. If there’s anything I can do.’
‘News travels fast,’ said Cooper. ‘But thanks, it’s cool. I guess it’ll sort itself one way or another.’
‘You okay with it?’
‘I dunno.’
‘Which translates into you don’t want to talk about it, right?’
‘You got it in one.’
‘Okay, well, I’ll see you in the morning, and maybe you could try to get here in one piece.’
‘No-one wants that more than me… Oh hey, will your dad be about?’
‘Yeah, I think so. You wanna say hi to him? He’ll be pleased to catch up with you.’
‘Cool. I’ll see you later… and Jackson? I missed you too.’
*
‘You ready, honey?’ Cooper clicked off his cell. Looked back at Cora who was sitting quietly in the back seat, seemingly oblivious to the rental car’s overpowering smell of cheap plastic and X-tra Strength wild cherry which oozed out in menacing waves from the innocuous-looking pink cardboard tree dangling from the driver’s mirror. He said, ‘What you got in your hands, baby?’
‘Mr. Crawley.’
‘Can I see it?’
‘Him, Daddy. Can you see him.’
‘Sorry. Can I see him?’
Cora Cooper raised her eyebrows just like she’d seen her mom do when she was asked something important. She looked at her dad with caution and a deep frown befitting someone far older than her four years.
Thinking hard, she decided there were a lot of things she knew. She knew how to do her math in Mrs. Bradbury’s class without crossing out. She knew how to do her shoelaces, though not on her new red sneakers she got last week; those laces were too long. She also knew really big things… Secrets. Like her mommy sometimes cried at night when she put on her music, and her daddy hid his red and blue and white candy in lots of bottles in the horse barn. Oh yes, she knew all those things and a whole lot more, but she didn’t know this. She didn’t know if she should let her daddy see Mr. Crawley because she didn’t know if Mr. Crawley would want to see her daddy. But then, she always enjoyed being with her daddy, so perhaps Mr. Crawley would.
Cora Cooper gave a long sigh and screwed up her nose and, just to be on the safe side, cupped her hands, brought them close to her face and asked, ‘Mr. Crawley, what do you think?’
‘What did he say?’
‘Sshhhh, Daddy! I can’t hear him…’
‘Sorry.’ Cooper glanced at his watch. Tried not to let impatience show. And hoped to God the clearly deceased Mr. Crawley would make up his mind one way or another. And fast. It was 3.34. Fifteen minutes late. Shit.
‘Well baby? What did he say? Can I see him?’
Cora opened her blue eyes. Wide. Gave Cooper an incredulous stare. ‘I don’t know yet Daddy, he hasn’t told me.’
Cooper rubbed his face. Pinched the bridge of his nose. The smell from the car freshener burning into his nostrils like a bad case of sinusitis. ‘Okay, well listen, hon
ey, maybe you tell Mr. Crawley I’ll see him some other time. I’m meant to be somewhere and if I don’t get there soon, Daddy will be in trouble.’
‘With who?’
‘With a man.’
‘Which man?’
‘With a man who Daddy has to see.’
‘Why?’
‘Why what?’
‘Why do you have to see him?’
‘Has anyone told you, you ask a lot of questions?’
‘That’s what you say to Mommy.’
Cooper smiled and chuckled and laughed. Hard and loud. ‘Cora. I love you. Never forget that.’
‘And Mr. Crawley?’
‘Yeah, and Mr. Crawley.’
‘Daddy?’
‘Yes?
‘Do you think this man wants to see Mr. Crawley?’
‘He probably does. Problem is, honey, I don’t think Mr. Crawley would want to see this man.’
14
‘It really isn’t appropriate bringing a child to session, but I suppose now she’s here there’s nothing we can do about it. You can put her out in the hall.’
To which Cooper said, ‘She’s not a damn cat. She’ll be fine just there in the corner. She can play with her bug and read her book. She won’t be any trouble.’
‘I’m not happy about this, Mr. Cooper. And that’s even without wanting to mention you’re twenty minutes late.’
‘So why did you?’
‘Why did I what?’
‘Mention it. If you didn’t want to do something, why do it?’
‘Is that what happens to you? If you don’t want to do something you don’t bother?’
‘You tell me,’ said Cooper. ‘That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?’
‘No, Mr. Cooper. You’re here for court-ordered psychological sessions. Two years of monthly sessions extended to three years due to non-compliance, as you probably recall. It was either that or a residential psychiatric facility treatment center, but I recollect your attorney was vigorously opposed to that suggestion… You seem to be in denial about the truth about why you’re here.’
Cooper stared at the doctor, with the overly gelled hair and brown mule shoes looking like they pinched a little too tight, and he noticed the doctor staring back, which wasn’t a good thing because he was certain the doctor with the over gelled hair and too small shoes would read something into it and write it down and show it to his colleagues and send it to the court probation officer and finally to the judge who would never know the whole situation could’ve been avoided with the right size shoes. ‘Jesus. I was joking, Doc. I know why I’m here.’
‘I wouldn’t call it a joke. Do you often try to cover feelings with jokes – however unfunny?’
‘You gotta stop this.’
‘Stop what Mr. Cooper?’
‘Every time I say something you see a different meaning.’
‘Does that trouble you?’
‘Too damn right it does.’
‘Would you say you have feelings of paranoia?’
‘No.’
‘You seem agitated.’
‘Wouldn’t you?’
‘That all depends.’
Cooper said, ‘On what?’
‘I think you’re trying to deflect. This session is about you. Do you often try to avoid conversations about yourself?’
‘Jesus Christ.’
‘Do you feel yourself getting angry?’
‘No… It’s just… it’s difficult.’
‘What is?’
‘This… you… Maddie… the whole situation.’
‘Now I feel we’re getting somewhere. Tell me about Maddie.’
‘She left me.’
‘And how does that make you feel?’
‘I want to say I feel bad, but I can’t feel anything. For a moment I did but now not a damn thing. It’s like I’ve rubbed a tube of Lidocaine on my insides. There’s nothing there.’
‘And what about your daughter?’
Cooper gave a side glance to Cora, who was busy examining Mr. Crawley. He lowered his voice. ‘You mean do I feel anything about her? I do, but only when I’m with her. When I’m not, it’s like I’m locked off, she doesn’t exist anymore.’
‘That’s common amongst people with PTSD, especially people with combat trauma… You don’t like me saying that do you?’
‘Come on, Doc, you sound like a broken record. I haven’t got that and besides, it was a long time ago… I’ve moved on.’
‘I don’t believe that any more than you do.’
‘Like I say, it was a long time ago.’
‘Seven years.’
‘I know,’ said Cooper. ‘You don’t have to tell me that.’
‘The brain is very complex, Mr. Cooper, it can either be your best friend or your worst enemy and these things, especially trauma-based mental health issues, can last a very long time. May be there for the rest of your life. It also has a way of lying dormant, it doesn’t always hit the person straight away. And there’ll always be triggers. And as we’ve discussed before it’s not so much about curing the problem – if it were only that simple – it’s about the management of it. And let me tell you this: the more you try avoid your issues, the less control you’ll have over them, and before you know what’s happened they’ll grow to the point where they take on a life of their own.’
‘I’m not saying it’s always easy. At times it feels like I’ve a monster living inside me. Destroying everything I touch and those around me, and when it’s done creating havoc, that monster turns on me, pushing me to the edge and there’s nothing I can do to get away from it. It just devours me whole….’ Cooper trailed off, feeling like he’d said too much. He shrugged his shoulders, adding, ‘But hey, we’ve all got our demons, haven’t we? It’s no big deal.’
‘Why is it so hard for you to accept what I’m saying? Why are you always so adamant on rejecting my diagnosis and lessening your problems?’
‘Doc, you know I’m proud of having served and fought for my country, but here’s the thing: I’m okay, I got through it all, but I know some guys don’t and I won’t have you comparing my situation with my brothers – those military vets who really do suffer in silence, whose voices aren’t heard until it’s too late, and they put a gun to their head and blow themselves away. They’re the ones who end up losing everything after giving everything to their country. I won’t disrespect them like that. My problems, if I have any, don’t even compare. Jesus, I was on a yacht when it happened, not on the goddamn front line.’
‘You don’t have to be in a combat situation to be traumatized, however in your case I think you were. Look at the facts, Mr. Cooper: you were a serving officer at the time and although you were taking a couple of days’ vacation, you still came under attack. As a consequence of this attack your life and others were in danger. You had no control and felt there was no-one there to help you. You were injured and so was the other person with you.’
‘My injuries were nothing. Hurt my back, that’s all.’
‘Yet you take medication for it.’
Cooper was evasive. ‘Maybe. Sometimes… I dunno.’
‘Look, my point is your behaviour has got all the hallmarks of combat-related PTSD. All the hallmarks. And furthermore, you lost Ellie, and I don’t believe you’ve dealt with the guilt.’
‘I’d appreciate it if we didn’t go down that road.’
The hair-gelled doctor stared hard at Cooper. ‘Let me ask you this. You get flashbacks?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you feel disconnected from emotions?’
‘Yes.’
‘Heightened alert?’
‘Yes.’
‘Nightmares?’
‘Yes.’
‘Unable to sleep?’
‘Yes.’
‘… You still sleep with your knife?’
‘Yes, if Maddie or Cora aren’t about. Maddie was never keen on it. Made her feel uneasy. Worried I’d jump out of my sleep and not know who they were. Fill i
n the rest.’
‘Feel unable to relate to family or friends?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you alter your reality with the abuse of narcotics or alcohol?’
‘No, but whilst we’re on that subject, I’d appreciate it if you could write me another prescription for those pills.’
*
Cooper opened the car door for Cora. ‘Sorry it took so long but now we can go and get on a plane tonight and have some real fun.’
‘Daddy?’
‘Yes?’
‘Do you still love her?’
‘Of course I do. Listen, I don’t want you to worry about that. I’ll never stop loving Mommy.’
‘I don’t mean Mommy, I mean Ellie.’
15
The long cream hallway, adorned with family photographs, on the second floor of the Executive Residence, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, is a section of the White House only the first family, and those closet to them, get to see. And it was here in the quiet hush of the early morning that Cooper found himself.
‘Coop!’ Jackson stuck his head round the door of the east bedroom, his face conveying delight.
‘Hey buddy!’ Cooper gave a wink and a smile and watched as Jackson walked towards him with a wide grin on his face.
Even from part-way down the hall, Cooper could see the thick raised scar running down Jackson’s forehead; the result, as well a constant reminder, of what happened on the boat with Ellie that day.
For a while no-one – least of all Cooper – had thought Jackson would recover from his head injury, but he’d been flown to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, an eminent neurological hospital, and slowly things had begun to turn around.
Rehabilitation had been long and painful and frustrating for Jackson, but he was a fighter. And he’d battled. Battled hard. And eventually after sixteen arduous months, that fight had paid off and he’d been discharged – though he certainly hadn’t been left unscathed.
His head injury from the boom had been of sufficient force to twist and turn Jackson’s brain on its axis. Interrupting the normal nerve pathways. Tearing and damaging its surface and leaving him with a left-side partial paralysis. A direct corollary of his injuries.