The Killing Grounds

by Jack Ford

  ‘Maddie…’

  She shook her head and said, ‘Just go home, Tom.’

  ‘I know what I felt when I saw your face light up on the day Cora was born, and I know what I felt when it was you I woke up to in the morning, I know what I felt when I made love to you, Maddie. And I know I want to feel that again, but you’re right; at the moment it feels like I’m empty. Numb. All regular emotions wiped away. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know I love you. It just makes me not be able to feel it, and be the person you deserve to be with. I wish I could make you happy. Be together again. How it should be. How it was.’

  ‘How it was? You’re looking at our marriage through a rose-tinted lens. When I think about it, and look back, I don’t know anything about you. What you think. What you feel. I don’t really know your friends and I don’t even know who your family are. You kept it all away from me. Everything’s a secret and it always has been. Why, Tom? Even when we got married there was nobody there on your side, apart from our mutual friends.’

  ‘There was Beau.’

  ‘Beau. One person.’

  ‘What do you want me to do? Conjure up people who aren’t there? My mom died when I’d just turned nine and she had no family to speak of apart from Beau. And as for my daddy… well…’ He trailed off for a moment, pictured John, refused to feel guilty, refused to acknowledge it as a lie for a lie’s sake. ‘Who knows where or who he is… So you see, Maddie, there isn’t anybody else. Which means there aren’t any secrets.’

  ‘Who are you kidding? There are always secrets. Listen, Tom, I’m so tired, I just can’t do this anymore, and I know we have to work together and co-parent and that’s all fine but it’s the us part of it I can’t do anymore.’

  ‘I know and I’m not asking you to, because I can see how much I’m hurting you.’

  ‘It’s not just me though is it? It’s Cora as well.’

  ‘Cora means everything to me.’

  ‘No Tom, the idea of Cora means everything to you, but do you ever think about how she feels when you break promises to her? When she spends her birthday watching the door for you?’

  ‘Come on Maddie, you know it’s not that simple.’

  ‘Oh but it is, it really is that simple and that’s the point and the problem… Listen, I need to go.’

  ‘Just give me another minute.’

  ‘Why? So it’s more difficult for me when I say goodbye? My heart’s broken, Tom, and I’m not quite sure how to put it back together, and seeing you makes it a whole heap harder… You know every day I worry about you. Worry if you’ll take one too many of those pills you tell me you don’t take anymore. Worry if you’ll fall off that edge you’re always standing on, when I’ve taken my eyes off the ball. And I worry when you don’t come home at night, or I don’t hear from you, that you’re lying somewhere with a bullet in your head. I don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying about you but I don’t want to worry so much and so often. Not anymore. So I need you to let me go this time. And if you love me like you say you do, Tom, you’ll do just that.’

  81

  In the lavish green countryside on the northern side of the river banks of Maryland, one mile from the great falls of the Potomac River, and only fourteen miles upstream from Washington DC, Cooper parked the hire car. Held hands with Cora and walked to the top of the gentle rolling knoll, part of the grounds of St. Francis’s Monastery, home to two hundred Trappist monks.

  ‘Hey, Beau!’

  Beau Neill turned round from the oregano he was struggling to plant. Gave a huge smile, pushing himself to his feet as his sciatica forced him to perform the manoeuvre in three stages. He wiped his soil-covered hands on the black hooded sleeveless tunic he wore which draped over his long, coarse white robe. Pushed his hands into his spine. Arched his back. Then flinched with pain. ‘For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8, Verse 18. Though I wish someone would tell my damn back that… Hey, Cora! I see you’re wearing your birthday dress… It’s good to see you Coop. After the other day, well it’s not good to part like that. What’s on your mind?’

  Cooper gave his Uncle Beau his arm to rest on. The once formidable captain. The man he’d once hated. The man he struggled at times to forgive.

  ‘Why do you think I’ve got something on my mind?’

  ‘Well haven’t you? Most times you come to see me is when you’ve got something on your mind. I know what happened in the hospital with John must’ve brought up a lot of feelings for you. Come on, let’s walk.’

  Cooper sighed as Cora ran ahead, skipping and twirling and delighting in her own world. And Beau walked slowly. Linking arms with Cooper as they walked through the wood.

  It was peaceful. Soothing and calming. And as much of a transition as it was for his Uncle Beau to go from captain to monk, Cooper could see why he’d chosen this life. And he envied it. ‘Was I wrong?’

  Beau Neill stopped. Pushed back his black tunic and put his hand into the large pocket on his robe. He pulled out a cigar. Lit it hungrily. Drew the smoke down into his lungs. He looked at Cooper. Then at his cigar. ‘I’m still praying for guidance on this one… Yeah, I think you were.’

  ‘I thought you’d say that.’

  ‘But you still asked. Says something.’

  ‘Not much.’

  Beau snapped at Cooper. Reminiscent of the past. ‘Grow the hell up, Coop, when did you become so childish? Why can’t you just let him care? Be the father he wants to be?’

  Cooper let him have that one. Didn’t want to argue. Just wanted to sort it out. Leant back on the large white oak, feeling the bark scrape his skin through his top. ‘You’re kidding, right? He missed that boat a long time ago.’

  Beau took another long drag of his cigar, clearly relishing every moment as he watched the tip burn. ‘You sound like you did when you were fifteen, Coop. Let the man do what he needs to do.’

  ‘That simple, hey?’

  Beau said, ‘Look at me. What is it you want him to do? Because he wasn’t kidding when he said he’ll stand in front of the American people and announce your existence.’

  Triggered by the smell of the cigar, Cooper lit his own cigarette. Enjoyed it in the same vein as Beau seemed to be enjoying his. ‘You know, I don’t want that. He’s worked too hard.’

  ‘Then let him do the small amount of things he can. He cares. I’m not going to talk about what happened over the last month and why, but no-one wants anything to happen to you. Look, if anyone’s to blame, I am. When your mom was pregnant she told me she wasn’t going to tell John about you. I wasn’t sure she was doing the right thing, but she was adamant. And my sister was stubborn. A bit like you, Coop. And then when you were nine and your mom died, ten months later John came on a political rally to Hannibal.’ Beau paused to sit down on the bench, carved out of a fallen tree. ‘You know all this, I’ve already told you, but perhaps you need to hear it again… Where was I?’

  Cooper answered dryly. ‘At a political rally.’

  ‘Yeah, right… so I told him about you, but it was me, Coop, who had to persuade him not to say who you are. Me not him. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops but by then he was doing well, making a name for himself. His political career was taking off and that’s what your mom had always wanted for him. There was a hell of a lot to take into account. Apart from the party there was the fact he was married to Jackson’s mother at the time, who I never cared for, and I don’t think would’ve cared for you, but hey, she showed her true colors when she went off with John’s best friend. Anyhow, I came to a compromise with John. I’d bring you up. But at the same time we both thought it was important for Jackson to get to know you, and you him, so we introduced you to each other just as play buddies, and even though you were seven years older than him, you got on just like what you were. Like brothers.’

  ‘But Jackson’s not the problem.’

  ‘And neither is John. The reason why your
mom didn’t want to tell John in the first place was because she loved him. She always had, which meant she loved him enough to let him go. She knew John, and she knew he’d come running back to somewhere he’d spent his whole life trying to escape from. She didn’t want that for him. She knew he wanted to make a difference, and no-one is sorrier than me that she’s not here to see it. She would’ve been so proud of John. You’re too hard on him… And I know I was hard on you when you were growing up, but I was a military man, I didn’t know how to look after a kid.’

  Cooper twisted his cigarette butt into the soft earth with his shoe. Wasn’t comfortable with where the conversation was heading, so he did what he did best in these situations. He shrugged. ‘Hey Beau, it was what it was.’

  ‘Maybe… But at least now we’re all older and wiser. Hopefully we’ve learnt from our mistakes. We’ve grown up. We’ve got our scars but we’re managing. And I know you’re finding it tough at the moment, Coop, but compared to your father, you’ve got it easy.’

  ‘How so?’

  ‘He’s a torn man, Cooper. I’ve said it before but he’s torn between his country and his sons. But like I say, one word is all it’ll take and he’ll be there for you. He’ll throw everything away. All he believes in and everything he’s work hard for. He’ll be judged, not by one person but the whole world will look upon him like a fraud. All his good work will have a question mark over it. The vultures will circle, but he’ll do it for you. I don’t know many a man who’d do that. But that’s love, Coop. That’s a father’s love. But the question is: what about a son’s love? What will you do for him, Coop? He’s one of the best presidents the country’s seen in a long time. He’s a man of truth. A man of honour, yet every day he carries secrets. You need to help him carry them. This is bigger than you or me now.’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well I do. You know, there was a time when I thought maybe you’d been robbed of a proper family life. But being here, I understand we’re all supposed to take different paths, different journeys, and life isn’t just made up of a simple equation. This is your journey, Coop, your equation, and I believe this is the way it’s supposed to be. Accept it, and whatever you do, don’t fight it. You’re a good man, and so is your father. And as for Jackson, well he’s always been different to you, Coop. I guess that’s why we only told you and not him. Go and see John. Go and stay with him whilst Jackson’s in hospital. I’m going to stay there tomorrow, but he needs you to go. I think you both do… You want to go and get a root beer? We made some last week. Best drink you’ll ever taste.’

  ‘Hey, Cora! Come on, we’re going…! Cora!’

  Cooper walked back with Beau towards the monastery in silence, reflecting on the last half hour. Eventually he broke the quiet. Tried to sound nonchalant. Fooled neither himself nor Beau.

  ‘Did John tell you about Ellie’s death certificate?’

  ‘He did.’

  ‘Well, when I was in the DRC, I got thinking. What if we’re all wrong?’

  ‘Coop…’

  Cooper could hear the strain in his own voice. Threatening to push him over the edge. Allowing the monster to turn in on him. ‘Don’t do this to me, Beau. Not you.’

  ‘Look, I’m a man who’s lived and survived on his instinct, and I know yours says she didn’t drown that day, but you were in shock. Traumatized. You weren’t thinking straight.’

  ‘Don’t give me that.’

  Beau stopped in the middle of the gravel pathway, turning to face Cooper straight on. ‘But it’s been seven years.’

  ‘You don’t need to tell me.’

  ‘Make a choice, Coop. Lose everything, and I mean everything, including that little girl of yours, or let it go.’

  ‘Now you’re talking bull.’

  ‘Coop. I can see it. Look at you. All reason and sanity is trickling through your fingers like grains in an hour glass. Stop, before it’s too late. Hold on to the life you’ve built. I’m worried you’re back on those pills. It’s bad enough with Jackson, without you adding to it.’

  ‘Hey, don’t you worry about me.’

  ‘It’s hard not to… You just need to stop and let things go.’

  The monastery’s old tabby cat purred, wrapping its tail round Cooper’s legs to get attention. It worked. He crouched down to stroke it. Gave him an excuse not to look at Beau when he said what he was about to.

  ‘You were the one who taught me never to give up Beau. Those 5 a.m. runs you made me go on when I was barely thirteen through the Missouri snows. The cold river swims. The night treks without food or water when all my school buddies were tucked up asleep in bed. Never give up, Cooper, you said, and I didn’t, but you want me to now.’

  The box in Cooper’s head, which he fought so hard to keep closed, opened. And his anger allowed him to turn to stare up at Beau. Shame printed on his Uncle’s face.

  ‘I was tough on you, Coop, and I’m sorry. I’m not proud of that or what I did to you. I was wrong. Very. But all I’m saying now is to let it go and…’

  Cooper stood up. Felt the rush of the OxyContin. ‘You don’t think I want to let it go? You don’t think I don’t want to just walk away like I wanted to when I was a kid? But like then I have nowhere else to go… Help me, Beau… Please.’

  ‘Jesus, Coop. You need to get some help, but you also got to stop blaming yourself. You deserve to have a life. With Maddie. With Cora. They love you. And this death certificate, it just triggered you. You’ve got to see that, and I get it, it’s bound to. But whatever you do don’t start chasing after a ghost again. None of this was your fault, Coop.’

  Bitterness tilted the balance of Cooper’s voice. ‘That’s not what you said at the time, and you know what you said is as true today as it was back then. She was with me on the boat that I hired but I knew the dangers. Jackson, well he didn’t know. I did, Beau. I did. She trusted me and I let her go. You talk about journeys? Well this is my journey. Don’t ask me to stop feeling guilty, because I can’t. More to the point, I don’t know how to.’

  82

  Cooper’s cell phone told him it was 3 a.m. It also told him Granger had called several times before leaving one hell of a terse message. But the last thing he wanted to do was have a conversation, which he knew would start off badly and end up worse.

  Earlier he’d tried to call Rosedale, but it hadn’t connected. Then he’d tried to get hold of Maddie, but Marvin had answered both the house phone and her cell, and the conversation and the phone had been put down by the time he’d said hello. Which left him with nothing else to do apart from some research on the computer. Though in truth, research had never been his strong point – neither had the patience to do it. Maddie had always been the one to do the ground work especially when it came to ground work on computers. He’d been the one who just went in and asked questions later.

  However, sometimes there was nothing else for it. So he sat looking up information. About Lemon. About Charles. But so far, all he’d been able to find were smiling photographs and countless press releases singing the praises of both the man and Lemon. How they were an excellent example of social and humanitarian development in that particular area of the DRC.

  ‘Want some company?’

  President John Woods stood at the door of Jackson’s room, dressed in silk spotty pyjamas and a thick, navy chenille robe.

  Cooper grinned. ‘Does America know you wear them?’

  Woods kicked out his foot to the side, looking at the part of his pyjamas which was showing. ‘Actually, they do. I did an interview with, I think it was Good Morning America, and the last question was, what does the president wear in bed?’

  ‘And you told them?’

  John grinned back. ‘You’re goddamn right I did. I’m proud of these… It’s good to see you, Coop. Thanks for coming to stay.’

  Woods went to give Cooper a hug but he backed away, putting out his hand instead. ‘No problem, sir.’

  Cooper heard John’s sigh of quiet disappointm
ent, but he pushed it aside, ignored it, as Woods pulled up the chair alongside him to see what he was looking at.

  But his calm demeanour quickly changed. ‘Coop, what the hell is this?’

  Surprised at his tone, Cooper swivelled round to look at Woods, who was now holding Cooper’s bag open, which held several unmarked bottles of pills.

  Woods scooped his hand in. His face red and angry as he shook bottles which rattled like a baby’s shaker. ‘I’ll ask you again. What the hell is this, Coop?’

  Angry as hell, Cooper got up. Snatched at his bag, knocking it and the bottles out of Woods’s hand. ‘That must be record timing, John. How long have I been here? Six hours? Seven? And already you got a problem. Way to go, John. I should’ve listened to my gut and stayed away, but hey, we all learn by our mistakes.’

  ‘Some of us clearly don’t.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  Woods stepped forward. ‘You think you can bring that shit in here? Are you crazy? In case you’ve forgotten I’m the president of the United States and you happen to be in the White House, not on a street corner hustling pills. No way can you come in here with illegal drugs. I want you out of here. Gone. Take your stuff and go.’

  Woods picked up the bag, stuffing the bottles back in. Zipped it up. Threw it at Cooper in a two hand shot. ‘What happened to the clean living guy, hey, Coop? The one who hardly had a beer, let alone drugs?’

  ‘You want me to give you a cliché? You want me to say he was left on that boat all those years ago?’

  ‘I just want the truth.’

  ‘You won’t like the truth, because the truth is, John, it’s just who I am. This is me, whether you like it or not.’