Remembrance

by SJ Moquin

  She slowed her pace enough to appear normal as she slung open the clinic door. Gwelle’s eyes darted around the room until she saw her mom’s petite form walk from behind a drawn partition near the back of the long main room, a frown on her solemn face. The rush she’d been in to get there vanished as her feet turned to weights holding her in place. Nia looked up, the frown turning down further at the sight of her almost grown daughter standing just inside the doorway. Gwelle watched as her mom lowered the plex she’d been looking at and walked purposely towards her.

  “Gwelle, you shouldn’t be here.”

  “I just heard, and I had to know. Are they… are they…?” Her mom’s expression softened into that knowing look she always gave her when she seemed to understand exactly what she needed to hear. Nia Airda had a way of reading your thoughts at times like this, and Gwelle had never been more thankful for it than now.

  “Kana and Rix are alive, for now, at least. Both are seriously injured. Deep lacerations and loss of blood. Dehydration being the least of their problems. It’s a miracle they made it as far as they did. They supported each other, crawling and hobbling until they found a rover trail.” Gwelle released the breath she’d been holding. They were alive. Not well, but alive. A tendril of hope, warm and small, curled inside her. She’d cling to that for now.

  “What can I do? I’ll help any way I can.”

  “There’s nothing you can do for them that we aren’t taking care of already.” Her mom gave her a smile she’d seen before. It was the same smile she’d seen so often after her dad’s death, and it said more than words to Gwelle. It spoke love and thankfulness. She threw her arms around her mom’s neck on impulse. A moment later, she felt her mom pull her into a deeper hug, both thankful for the time they still had together. Remembering the past was hard, but it made times like this even more poignant. She was thankful for her mother despite the times she forgot to show the hard-working woman in front of her.

  “You can send a prayer up for them and their families. There’s a long road of recovery ahead.” Gwelle nodded at her mother’s words, those spoken and unspoken. If they recovered, her mom had meant, but didn’t say. She said goodbye with a heavy heart. Not the same as when she was running there. This time more from the helplessness and guilt she felt. She and Raiden had been lucky. Being away from camp, finding the cave, being together. They’d survived because of luck. What if she had been too stubborn to follow him to the field? It had almost happened. A shudder ran through her at the thought.

  Her feet trudged back through the paths she’d just run. People laughed around her preparing to celebrate their first year as a colony on their new home world. In a couple days, the preparations would be complete, and the day long festival would kick off. Everyone would be off work, celebrating, enjoying themselves. Everyone but Kana and Rix. And their families, she supposed. She looked up and squinted into the bright sun just ahead, silhouetting a small rectangle building on the far edge of the commons area before heading into the agricultural zone.

  She hadn’t been here since her first few weeks in Nova-Zera. She’d meant to make time, but something always seemed to come up. Pushing the double doors open, she walked into the quiet, darkened interior. The hush was palatable as was a feeling of awe and peace. She walked to the front row, sliding in on the polished wooden bench. She lowered her head, breathing a prayer as she did.

  How long she sat in the sacred place she didn’t know. Long enough to remember her mom and dad walking hand in hand at the beginning of each week to the small haven on board Deliverance with her in tow. She smiled at the sad memory. Would she ever get over the turmoil her dad’s memories brought? Sometimes she wondered if forgetting completely wouldn’t be better than the all-knowing, never resting ache inside her chest which sprang up when she least expected it. It was there so much more often now that she wasn’t laying undeserved, misplaced blame on Raiden as she had been the past two and a half years.

  A slow shuffling of feet sounded behind her. She raised her head to see the wizened old man making his way towards her. His shoulders slumped inside the black coat marking his chosen path. A head full of white hair marked his age, as did the lines around his eyes and mouth. He sat beside her, a tender smile on his lips for a moment taking in the tears she tried hiding. Tears she hated showing anyone even him.

  “Gwelle Airda. My how you’ve grown up. It is so good to see you.”

  “Shepherd.” Her voice cracked as too many of her buried emotions clawed their way to the surface at once.

  “What brings you here today, Gwelle?” His kind eyes held no judgement for how long it had been since she’d last visited the sacred place, only an understanding, a love.

  “Kana and Rix were found. They are… very bad off.” She ducked her head to hide the emotions on her face, but the shepherd read them anyway.

  “And you came to offer a prayer for their recovery.” She nodded. “And maybe assuage the guilt you feel for surviving.” She nodded again, not trusting the tears brimming her eyes to stay put if she spoke. “Often we try to punish ourselves and others, when we don’t have the answers to why things happen. When all along there is peace to be had if we accept it. There’s nothing wrong with surviving, Gwelle.” The wise old man’s words washed over her.

  “You’re right. But sometimes it’s hard to be the one left behind, isn’t it?” He knew they weren’t talking about the here and now. She’d traveled back seven years to when she was a girl, being told her dad would never come home again.

  “It is. You see these hands?” He held aged, worn, and wrinkled hands out in front of him. “Every time I look down I think, how are you still here, old man, when so many have gone on trying to reach this place, this time? I get to reap their work yet feel so unworthy to do so. But I remember.” He tapped one crooked finger to his temple as he spoke. “I remember my mum. She was one of the first to give birth onboard Deliverance. She was scared but didn’t let that stop her from dreaming of having a family. I remember my friends, most gone now. I remember the shepherd who trained me, the kindest man I knew, and his stories of Earth. I keep their memories alive, honor them, with…”

  “Remembrance.” She completed his sentence as a smile framed her lips. “Honor them by remembering them.”

  “Exactly. Just like the festival coming up. It’s not only a celebration for us and our hard work, but a time of remembrance for those who helped us get here. Pushing the pain away sometimes means we forget. Forgetting is good for a time, but the pain will always return until it’s too big to be pushed away. Remember, Gwelle.”

  The shepherd’s words stayed with her as she walked home, slow and steady. She saw the festivities about to take place in a new light now that the old man’s words rang in her head. She’d try. She’d try to remember and to not close herself off again. It was so much easier said than done, but she knew where to start when Raiden’s face flashed in her mind. She walked the rest of the way home with a peace she hadn’t felt in a long time.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Best Laid Plans

  A tap, tap, tapping echoed in her sleep fogged brain. Gwelle flipped to one side, her long ebony hair fanning out behind her. Louder. Tap, tap, tap. Someone was impatient she thought just before her eyes flew open in the darkened room, her heart racing. She lay there, still, frozen in place, listening. Maybe it was a dream. Her tightly curled muscles began to relax just as a tinkling tapping sounded on the glass panes across from her. She flew up, spying a shadow on the other side. For a moment she wondered about getting her mom until she heard her name float in, soft and quiet.

  She padded across the wooden floor in her tank top and shorts and slid open the large glass that had separated her from the outside. She found herself staring into the much-too-happy face of Raiden Vargas. He stood outside her window in the dead of night.

  “What are you doing here? Are you on patrol?” she asked, her eyes trailing up and down his tall form. He was in full uniform, power rifle slung ac
ross his back.

  “No. I’m just getting off duty and had a thought.”

  “That couldn’t wait until morning?” Gwelle stifled a yawn. She’d stayed up late, not able to sleep for thinking about her conversation with the shepherd earlier in the afternoon. Mom hadn’t come home until bedtime, having remained late to oversee Kana and Rix’s treatments. Even with the bio-beds and best medicines, their recovery was touch and go. She’d said it would be a few days until they would know for sure if the two botanists would fully recover. And knowing Nia Airda, she’d be at the clinic most of that time. Gwelle was a bit surprised she was home sleeping right now.

  “Don’t judge,” Raiden laughed as he tapped a long finger on the end of her nose. “Scoot over. I’m coming in.”

  “You can’t do that!” Gwelle hissed as quietly as possible, looking over her shoulder as if her mother would appear behind her like some angry apparition.

  “Then you come out.” He wasn’t taking no for an answer as he backed up motioning her out. She looked down at her bare feet and back to him. The hopeful, excited look was still there. “Don’t tell me you’re afr…”

  “No. You don’t have to keep reminding me of my impetuous side. I know I’ve been known to do a few things without thinking that could be interpreted as reckless. Just because I choose to err on the side of caution now doesn’t make me afraid.” Gwelle crossed her arms giving him a pointed glare that held none of the heat her words had.

  “Few!” Raiden snorted in a half-laugh, half-cough. Gwelle rolled her eyes but turned back inside the room and grabbed the first piece of clothing she found, a long tunic that came to the tops of her knees. It’ll work, she thought, donning it over her sleepwear before crawling out the window. The dew kissed grass tickled her feet sending chills up her still bare legs. At least her arms were covered from the night chill, she thought as she waited for Raiden to divulge the reason he’d stopped by. He took her hand leading her to the back corner of the small house, away from windows and the farthest spot from the road in front of the house. She understood there were regular patrols around Nova-Zera at night mostly to keep mischief from the younger generation down to a minimum. Which if she were getting technical, she guessed would include her and Raiden at the moment.

  “So, what’s this big thought you couldn’t wait to share?”

  “Is it really so bad that I couldn’t wait to see you?” he asked tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. Her hair! She’d totally forgotten she’d just woke from a dead sleep. Her hair was probably standing on end. As subtle as she could make it, she tucked both sides behind her ears before looking back up at him. The smirk on his lips told her she’d been anything but stealthy in her attempts to tame her wild mane. With a chuckle, he leaned one shoulder on the metal siding of the house before continuing.

  “I can’t prove to you that you’re not sick other than to assure you based on facts. I know you’re worried, more than you let on, but I can prove one thing.” Her eyebrows scrunched together at his words, but a shiver of excitement shimmied itself up her spine.

  “What can you prove?”

  “I can prove you saw that file.” She started shaking her head, but he hurried on. “I can prove it was a file someone deleted.”

  “There’s no way to see deleted files. That’s why it was either a glitch or I imagined the whole thing.”

  “There’s always a way. You just have to know where to look.” He looked so sure of himself. His smug grin said it all. He had a plan and, heaven help her, she wanted to know what it was.

  “And where would that be?” She tried keeping the excitement bubbling up in her from her voice, but the corners of her lips twitching up gave her away for sure.

  “The core.” It was good the dark shrouded her shocked expression.

  “You want to break into the core?”

  “Shhh! Not so loud.” Raiden may look sure of himself but even he realized what he was saying. “Not break in… just happen in and decide to look up something.”

  “Oh. Okay. Since you put it that way. We should be able to just stroll in and help ourselves.” Gwelle knew there was a heavy dose sarcasm dripping from her words, but they were talking about the core. The CORE! No one got into the core. It was housed beneath the archives here in Nova-Zera, but it might as well have been in another universe. There were always guards on duty outside the entrance to the core.

  “Trust me.” Raiden leaned in pressing a kiss to the top of her head. Heat flooded her at the simple gesture helping build the excitement inside her.

  “Well, it isn’t like we’ve not done this before,” she mumbled beneath her breath.

  “Exactly. If we can sneak into Deliverance’s engine room when we were just kids without getting caught, we can do this.”

  “Ummm, Raiden, we did get caught.”

  “Not technically. We got in and out of there free and clear. It was that snitch Knox who had to blab it all over.”

  “Knox was just excited. He had a point. Why do something so cool and not get bragging rights to it?”

  “No bragging rights this time, though. Agreed?”

  “Agreed,” Gwelle chuckled, remembering their escapades on Deliverance. “After all, there’s no Knox this time. Unless you’ve invited him.”

  “Heavens, no! It’ll be all I can do to get me and you out without getting caught.”

  “But I’m assuming you have it all figured out.”

  “Of course, I do. And I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.”

  “Why?”

  “Because right now you need rest.” Gwelle wanted to disagree until she had to stifle another yawn.

  “You’re right. Meet tomorrow at the market?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it. Come on, let’s get sleeping beauty back to bed.” Raiden walked her back to the open window helping her climb through. She leaned back out as he leaned in stopping just short of bumping noses. She giggled. Giggled. She definitely blamed it on lack of sleep because she never giggled. Raiden’s smile broadened as he reached up and traced the small smattering of freckles across her nose before his hand tangled in the hair at the nape of her neck. Her eyes fluttered closed as his lips neared hers, but the kiss she waited for didn’t come. Instead, she felt his lips press a soft, barely-there kiss to her forehead.

  “Get some sleep.” Her eyes opened just in time to see the sad smile on his face fade. She didn’t say anything. What was there to say? She wasn’t sure exactly where she and Raiden stood. Friends? Not friends? More than friends? She didn’t know anything other than the fast beating of her heart.

  Sooner than she’d liked, she watched the boy she’d always cared about walk away into the inky darkness. Sitting at the window until he was out of view, a frown lingered on her lips. Her eyes drooped, and a yawn escaped without her realizing, but her feet and legs were heavy. She felt weighted to the floor where she stood staring at the darkened landscape. Pushing away with both hands, she tugged the window closed, flipping the small latch. Both hands rose over her head in a deep stretch as she turned towards her bed. From the corner of her eye, just beyond the glass, a flash of silvery white, caught her eye. Upon closer inspection, there was nothing but the chirping of insects. Not a soul in sight.

  She turned back to bed, fighting to ignore the goosebumps running up and down her arms. Gone was the warmth Raiden sprang to life in her. Would she ever be rid of these fears? Maybe she should talk with her mom. But the thought of her mom facing more tragedy caused her to shove the thought aside as fast as it came. She’d deal with this. Raiden would help. And together she’d be alright. She let the lie she told herself lull her back into a restless sleep.

  ***

  Her fears had vanished with the rising sun and remained gone as she worked with Wyn again in the hydroponics lab. She enjoyed seeing the sprouts, their tiny green leaves unfurling in new life. It renewed her love for the planet, and at the same time helped her remember all they’d gone through to get there. Now standing in
the marketplace waiting on Raiden to finish duty, she felt foolish for letting the fears overcome her the previous night.

  The buzz in the market was at an all-time high today. Banners waved in the late summer breeze. Their bright colors mirroring the happy mood present in every person she passed. The celebration tomorrow had everyone rushing to find last minute ingredients. There would be a huge potluck feast, games throughout the day, and a remembrance ceremony held on the large platform now gracing the commons area. Everyone in Nova-Zera would be in attendance to celebrate their first year on Varax including the survivors from Endeavor. After a rough start, they were beginning to fit in and find their place in the colony.

  Walking through the stalls of bright linens and fragrant spices, Gwelle let her fingers linger on a purple hued shirt. She loved the color, but the merchant was asking way too many credits. With a sigh she moved on, just as a soft voice spoke from behind.

  “That color would look good on you.” She turned to see the pale haired Jexxa looking at the shirt she’d just eyed. The girl was dressed much like she’d been the other day, a very plain, loose shirt with leggings. The pale clothes blended with her pale skin and hair. She’d probably not had the chance or credits to shop for much since being here and everyone knew they had very little resources on Endeavor for little more than basic necessities. Before Gwelle realized what, she was doing, she reached out picking up an aqua-blue shirt, holding it up to the girl in front of her.

  “This one would look amazing with your eyes.” She’d never been overly friendly but something about the girl, or maybe the life she knew she’d lived, caused her to bypass her normal reservation. The dazzling smile which spread across Jexxa’s face told her she’d been right to trust her instinct. But as quick as it came, it left.