About Time

by Danielle Torella

  I sit and stare at him trying not to smile. He is skimming the menu and when he looks to find me eyeing him asks, “What?”

  “You like hot tea with breakfast?”

  He shrugs, “I might.” I keep my eyes set on him and he looks like he is about to burst at the seams, “Fine! I am a black coffee kind of guy, but I am into trying new things.”

  “I can respect that, seeing as I too am trying new things.”

  The waitress is back with the tea, “Can we get two cups of black coffee too?” I ask her.

  “Sure thing sweetie.”

  Now he is eyeing me, “Trying something new?”

  “Indeed I am.”

  He leans in, “For the record they only serve you black coffee, you don’t have to ask for it. That’s why they have creamer and sugar on the table.” He holds an index finger to his lips as if he is telling a big secret.

  I grab one of the said creamers and toss it at him. He catches it of course, but not until it bounces of his chest. The waitress is back with the coffees, just coffee not black coffee. “What can I get you two to eat?”

  I have been looking over the menu and have no idea, “You order for me,” I tell Derrek.

  “You sure?” I nod, “Okay we will both have the number four.”

  She takes off for the kitchen.

  I reach over to grab a couple packets of honey for my tea and then the rest of the bowl and sneak them into my bag like I usually do at the café.

  “What did you just do?” He asks me in a serious tone. Uh oh, busted.

  I keep my head down, “I um…”

  “I’m shittin’ with you Margot!” His mouth opens for a goofy smile. “Seriously though, whatcha up to there with that honey?”

  “I like honey.”

  “Yeah, kinda got that when you smuggled a handful into your purse.”

  “I like to suck on them when I’m reading.” I see his breathing hitch with the word suck. I can’t help but feel a little proud of myself for having that effect on him, like he has had on me. “Haven’t you ever done that?”

  “Can’t say that I have.”

  I pull a packet back out and tear it open with my teeth, like I normally do and he is watching my every move. Before I hand it off to him he shifts in his chair and makes a throaty noise. He takes the packet and puts the open tab between his lips. Oh God his lips… After he squeezed the packet dry he looks me dead in the eye. “That was fucking awesome!”

  He tosses it onto the table and the waitress is back with our food. “Can we get some more honey please?” He flashes her the empty dish.

  “I could have sworn I filled that thing earlier…I’ll be right back kids.”

  I scrunch my brows and he holds up his finger to tell me to wait. When she is back she refills the bowl and apologizes. Derrek assures her that it was perfectly fine, but as soon as she leaves he fists the dish grabbing all the honey and his hands go under the table. “Here! For your reading collection.”

  I smile the biggest smile of my life right here and now. I reach under the table and grab the packets and skillfully put them in my purse with the others. “Thank you.”

  “No problem Honey Bee.”

  I look down to my plate and I see a classic breakfast, just as I like it. Eggs over easy, buttered toast and bacon. I like the simple breakfast foods. Some people are waffle people like Maddy other are crepes people like Josh … uh oh.

  I grab out my phone and sure enough I have missed a dozen calls and a bunch of texts. The calls from Maddy but the texts are all Josh. Josh doesn’t call much.

  “Everything alright over there?” Derrek asks taking a bite out of bacon.

  I start to open the texts first and they start out with:

  Josh: I am sorry, I hope we can talk over brunch in the morning.

  Josh: Come on Margot, I said I was sorry.

  Josh: I will be at the restaurant at nine. I hope to see you there.

  Josh: I am here, where the hell are you?!

  I grab my head. I can’t do this. What was I thinking?

  “Margot?”

  “I’m sorry Derrek I have to go, I was supposed to meet someone this morning and I totally forgot. I am so sorry.” I fish out a ten and put it on the table. I stand and he stands with me. He grabs the money and puts it back in my purse.

  “Is everything alright though? I don’t want you driving if you are upset and you didn’t get any sleep last night…” His worry and reminder of the fact I spent a whole night talking with another man and now having breakfast with him hits home.

  “I’m fine. Thank you so much for last night and this morning. It was really, really nice.” I quickly kiss his cheek and I run out the door.

  I take all the shortcuts I know of to beat the last run of church traffic to get to the other side of town. I practically drift into the lot and run to the entrance, the door man greets me and holds it for me. I rush to our table to see Josh sitting there alone with another bouquet of flowers. Oh please lord not his mother again. I reach the table and he looks up at me.

  “Where the hell were you?” I start to apologize and am cut off, “And what the hell are you wearing?” He is looking me up and down. He looks around the room and people are gawking. I hadn’t even realized that I was still in my outfit from last night and this isn’t the kind of place for tank tops and Chucks.

  He stands and grasps my elbow and leans into my ear, “Outside. Move.” He seethes. His grip is so tight on my arm, but I have had many years of training to not let the pain show. I just grit my teeth and bare it.

  He is practically pushing me out the door and pulls me around the back of the restaurant so no one can see us. I figure he will let go of me when we are in the clear, but no such luck, his grip remains the same. “What the fuck is wrong with you? One, you are never late, two you always answer my texts and three you really know not to embarrass me in front of other people who respect my family.”

  He pinches harder to make me speak, “I was cleaning up the library and I started to read a book and I must have fallen asleep and hadn’t realized it. When I woke up it was too late to go back home to change. I’m sorry.”

  He squeezes one more time and let’s go with a yank. My arm is pulsating from his grip, but I refrain from looking at the impeding bruise or to touch it to test the soreness. He steps away in frustration and then rushes me with one step and is towering over me. Making me look up at him. This is his “I am in control” stance. His breathing is deep but in control, just like he is. He looks down at me, but without dropping his head. I can only stand there and wait. “Get in the car and follow me back to my place now.”

  I nod. Some might think it is strange that I don’t drive with him most of the time, but I think it’s because he doesn’t like to be seen with me if I don’t look the part, the part of a Stepford Wife. In other words a decent dress, pantyhose, cardigan and a ballet flat shoe. At least some of the mutant women who live this kind of life get to wear heels.

  I do what I am told and I follow him to his place and I assume I am going to have my ass chewed and get a lecture once again. I take a mental note to remove my shoes without needing to be asked, because I don’t need to be reminded of that night again.

  He walks ahead of me, unlocks the door and walks through first. Oh, he is pissed. Once I am in I kicks off my shoes and he locks the door. He walks to his kitchen and loosens the knot oh his tie and pulls over the decanter of scotch and pours at least a two fingers amount. I don’t drink, but I have seen him order the stuff plenty of times and that’s the amount he asks for when he is stressed out. Not knowing what to do with myself I wait for him to tell me. He stands across the space sipping and staring at me. I look down and wait. I hear him hiss when he gulps down the last bit of the scotch and set the crystal glass down on the granite counter top. The clink makes me jump. He chuckles at my nervousness, he has always found it amusing.

  “Aren’t you going to talk to me?” He asks with a smug tone to his voice.<
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  I look over to him, “I don’t know what you want me to say. I apologized and I told you what happened.”

  He shakes his head and his eyes shift and the scotch just took hold of him, “You better be a good girl or I’m going to tattle...” He comes at me fast and grabs my hips and starts to kiss my neck. I can smell the stench of the hard liquor on his breath and then I can taste it when he assaults my mouth with his. My stomach curdles with his words I am instantly reminded of the power he holds over me and that I have to do as he says or else.

  He undoes the button on my jeans and pulls off my tank top. He pulls away and walks to the bedroom where I am expected to follow him. I do what a good girlfriend should. Once I am in his master bedroom, which is all beige and neutral colors. His king size bed has a large modern oak headboard and is higher up from the ground than most beds. Another power play I assume. “Take your pants off, fold them and put them on the bench.” This is something that he has me do every time, it’s like my clothes are dirty and will contaminate the precious space. I don’t speak I just do what I am told, so I don’t get yelled at anymore today. “Panties off.”

  I slip my pale pink panties down my legs and place them on my folded jeans. He instructs me to lay down on the bed. So I climb up, lay down on my back and wait for him. He takes off his clothes down to his blue and white striped boxer shorts. When he drops them he only has a semi-erection. That stings a little bit, because that means he must not really find me that attractive to give him a raging erection like the guys in my books get when they look at their woman. But that’s unrealistic isn’t it? I should stop comparing Josh with the imaginary men in my books, it’s just they turn me on more than he does.

  He grabs hold of his dick and starts to pump himself to make him harder and ready for me. I don’t care to watch him do this gesture, which he does nearly every time. He doesn’t even look at me when he does it. Once he is hard enough he comes to the edge of the bed and I know I’m to scoot to the edge too and meet him there. Still no words exchanged. He pulls my legs around his narrow hips and enters me. I’m not wet obviously, because I am not turned on in any way. I just close my eyes and let him do what he has to. He thrusts into me, the dry me, it tugs and it stings but once my body caves and decides to moisten in the slightest, which is probably a plea for itself to dull the ache.

  He just goes at me hard and fast, I don’t have to open my eyes to know that he isn’t looking at me. Why would he? I still have my bra on, he doesn’t ask me to remove it, because he doesn’t particularly care for my breasts he told me one night when he was drinking. Worst part is we were with company and his buddies had a good chuckle at that. So I never offered to take it off after that point and he has never complained.

  I try to think about one of the guys from my books. To imagine someone like Gabe from Wait for Me, he is more of a man in print than the actual man driving into me relentlessly. I know he is getting close to his climax, because his hands are tightening around my ankles. My visual suddenly shifts from fictional Gabe to very non-fiction Derrek. I suck in my bottom lip when I think about his hands running all over my body and rubbing my clit to make me wet for him, to make him ready for his large dick. I think about how heavy his sack is from waiting to be with me.

  Just a few hours ago I was feeling guilty for spending time with Derrek and lying to Josh, but now I am feeling even worse about fantasizing about Derrek while Josh is inside of me. I don’t like the way Josh feels inside of me. It just never feels right. Sex is supposed to be special right? That’s what all my counselors have told me and I never seem to believe them, I blame the things that were done to me as an adolescent, but I am the one who keeps going with it. Just letting him take my body when he wants it and I don’t have a say, just like how it was back then. I’m not helping myself. I am only going through the motions and if I did say something he would only degrade me more and I would just accept his harsh words.

  What am I supposed to feel in this situation?

  He pulls out of me and cums all over my stomach. He doesn’t use condoms, not since he told me to go on the pill when we started to be intimate. And when he told me to do that he always wanted me to have a full exam and testing to make sure I didn’t have anything. Yeah, that really made me feel good about myself.

  He walks to the en-suite bathroom and returns with a washcloth and tosses it on my belly. I grab it and wipe the white stickiness which is Josh off of my skin, but it’s what he’s done under my skin is what’s the most disgusting part of this so called relationship.

  I stand up and get dressed right away. I stride out of the room and grab my shoes. I eagerly put them on and he comes out to find me trying to make my escape untouched by more of his cruelness. “Where are you going so fast?” He bites at me. He comes to stand directly in front of me as I finish lacing my last shoe.

  I look up and tell him, “I have to get ready for work.”

  “Fine, go. You’ve served your purpose.” He gives me his cocky smirk and walks away. I flip him the bird when he turns his back. Whoa, there you go Margot! I stand and reach for my bag and it slips from my fingers and all the contents spill.

  His shoulders roll in annoyance, he turns and looks back to me and rolls his eyes. “Can’t you do anything right?” I don’t say anything, but he comes back over, bends down and picks up the Bout flyer I had stuffed in there yesterday. Crap.

  “What’s this?” He holds up the blue paper.

  “Just something someone handed to me on the street this morning. I haven’t even looked at it yet.” I lie.

  He looks it over and laughs, “Roller Derby, what a sad so called sport. Could these girls be any trashier? I bet they are all strippers or druggies.” He crumples it up and tosses it into his wastebasket, like he was tossing a basketball. Arm up over the head and snaps the wrist. He laughs and returns to his room.

  I fish out the flyer before I leave.

  Son of a bitch.

  When I get home I have a few hours to kill before my midafternoon shift. Sunday nights are busy, because the families who work all week and don’t have the time to cook a meal for their families, go there because we serve up home cooked styled meals.

  As soon as I get through the door I rush for the shower. Maddy is in her room and I am thankful her door is closed. I turn on the water as hot as I can get it, maybe I can burn a layer of skin off after being with Josh or Josh being with me for that matter. I was in no shape or form with him on that. I step in and feel the sting and it feels good. I grab my favorite lavender honey body wash and lather it up on my yellow loofah. I scrub away at my stomach where he left his mark on me. I honestly nearly gag thinking about it. This time seemed much worse than before. It felt wrong, ok wrong-er than normal.

  I wonder if it’s because I had pictured Derrek instead. My belly clenches when I think about him. I squeeze my thighs together and I have a tingly sensation, that’s new. I think about his hands getting lost in that blonde hair of his and him looking deep into my eyes and I, looking right back into his stellar green and gold eyes. I see his tongue dip out to lick his lip and I instinctively lick mine.

  I close my eyes and imagine his hands on my waist and I drop my loofah and let my hands rub my waist. I can’t un-see the way he looked at me last night, he looked at me with want. I have never been looked at like that before, not in a healthy way. All of a sudden my breasts start to feel heavy and that only happens when I am reading a sexy scene in a book.

  Just as I am about to run my hand down my torso to my…

  “Margot Epstein! Where the hell were you last night?” The bathroom door flies open and Maddy is whipping the shower curtain open on me.

  “Hey! Go away I’m in the shower! We can talk when I am out!” I yell at her. She is taken back, because I never raise my voice at her, but Jesus I am frustrated! I’m just so tired after the last forty-eight hours. She takes a step back and I eagerly close the curtain.

  “Excuse me?” She asks offended.

>   “You heard me. Get the hell out! I am in the shower and not in the mood to hear you bitch about where I was, when it’s not any of your business. And no, I don’t want to hear about the guy you slept with last night either!” I hit a breaking point with Maddy. I put up with all her crap day in and day out. Too mousy to speak up in the past, I reached my level today. I hear her scoff and slam the bathroom door behind her as she walks out. Good.

  I wash my hair and shave my legs, I take my sweet time doing it too. I know Maddy is out there pacing and fuming with anger. Oh well, get over it the world doesn’t revolve around Maddy Arnolds. I decide that when I do get out I am calling in tonight. I am too exhausted and this will be like the second, maybe third time I have since starting there a few years back and that was for being actually sick.

  I turn off the shower and open the curtain. The small bathroom is full of steam and I have to wipe off the mirror in order to see myself to spray some detangler through my hair. I wrap my towel around my body and open the door. I take in a deep breath readying myself for Maddy’s twenty-one questions.

  I am relieved when she isn’t waiting for me on the other side of the door, like I half expected her to do. I walk right across the hall to my room, open the door and quickly close it behind me. I grab my cell and call the diner. “Hey Joe, I am not going to be able to make it in for my shift tonight. I am not feeling very well.”

  “I am sorry to hear that sweet girl! Don’t worry about it, I will call one of the other girls in. Get some rest and feel better.” Joe assures me. Joe is the owner; he is in his fifties, a real good guy, and an awesome family man.

  “Thank you and I will be in tomorrow for my shift.”

  “Don’t push it Margot, just get better.” He hangs up so I can’t argue with him any further. I smile at his kindness, something I needed right now and the smile felt pretty good too.

  I go to my dresser and pull out a pair of shorts and a red camisole. Just as I grab my lotion bottle Maddy comes stomping in my room.

  “Not feeling well huh?” She yells at me. “You look perfectly fine to me!”