Mustaches for Maddie

by Chad Morris

“What if you were surrounded by bad guys,” I said, “and you had to pick between being able to sneeze laser beams or burp bombs?”

  Yasmin giggled.

  “Burp bombs?” Devin said. Apparently the two girls behind us had left the line and he and Cesar had stepped up.

  Oh no. They were listening? To that? What was I going to say? The question repeated like three hundred times in my head in less than a second. Finally, my mouth blurted something out. “You’d burp bombs?” I asked.

  “No.” He laughed. “I don’t want to burp bombs. I was just making sure I heard you right.”

  “And that was a bizarre question,” Cesar said.

  I’m sure my face was getting hotter, but I didn’t want it to. I don’t know why I was getting nervous. I’d known Devin and Cesar for years. “Well, choose wisely,” I said. I was talking more and more. Nervous, remember? “You have to pick that or sneezing lasers. It’s an important decision.”

  “It is a toughy,” Yasmin said.

  “I think it sounds cooler to sneeze lasers,” Devin said. “But then I probably couldn’t control them very well. Everybody’s head moves all around when they sneeze.” He did a fake sneeze for a demonstration. He was right. Lasers would go everywhere.

  “But I can burp whenever I want,” Cesar said. And then he burped. Loud.

  I didn’t know whether to laugh or say “Eww.” So I kind of did both.

  Cesar probably wouldn’t make the best Romeo.

  “Whoa,” Devin said. “Maybe you can already burp bombs.”

  We all laughed at that.

  And then the door opened, and I turned to see Cassie walk out of her audition. “How did it go?” I asked.

  “Great,” she said, all teeth and smiles. “Really great.” But she didn’t look at me or Yasmin. It was like she stared through us at Cesar and Devin. I guess Juliet was so interested in Romeo she didn’t want to be bothered with the nurse.

  She probably hadn’t just heard Cesar belch.

  “Maddie,” Mrs. Baer said. “Come on in.”

  I took in a quick breath.

  “Good luck,” Yasmin said and gave me a hug.

  “Thanks,” I said as I walked through the doorway and toward a little opening between the rows of desks. Still wrapped up with the boys, Cassie didn’t wish me luck. She didn’t even look back at me.

  Mrs. West sat in a desk at the front of the room and was writing more notes, probably from Cassie’s audition. She didn’t look up. She probably had a lot of really good stuff to write.

  “Okay,” Mrs. Baer said, looking at a clipboard as she sat down next to Mrs. West. “Just relax and do your best.” She looked up with a smile, the super nice kind that made me more relaxed. She flipped over a page. “It looks like you wanted to try out for Hamlet, Kate, and Juliet.” She extended her arm as if to say the stage was mine, but there wasn’t actually a stage. Just a mostly empty room. “Go ahead.”

  And that was it. There were no warm-ups, just “Go ahead.” I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t just jumping in. I looked at the teachers. Awkward. Have you ever tried to act in front of two people? Not just playing around with your friends, but like people who want you to act? I’d always wanted to be in plays, but this felt strange.

  I opened my mouth to start, but nothing came out. “Uh.” I couldn’t remember my words. It was like they were on a little computer screen in my mind and then I accidentally turned it all off and now I had to wait for the thing to reboot. But I had to say something. “Hark, fair ladies,” I said. “I believe I’ve forgotten my lines.”

  They both smiled back. That relaxed me even more. So I decided to reach into my pocket and pull out a mustache. I put it on and wiggled my eyebrows.

  Two more smiles. Maybe this wouldn’t be that bad. And maybe fake mustaches were the best invention ever.

  I cleared my throat and stretched out my weird arm. The computer in my brain turned back on.

  “Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well.” I pretended to hold a skull in my hands. Yep, that’s what happens in the play; Hamlet speaks to a skull. Weird and awesome. I rattled out a few more Hamlet lines then tore my mustache off.

  And then I glared like I was really mad at someone. No. Like I was furious. That’s what Kate does. “If I be waspish, best . . . beware . . . my . . . sting.” I gave a little space between each word to make it more dramatic. And then on the last word I jumped forward. It wasn’t a very big jump because of my tricky leg, but both teachers were startled. Not bad. Maybe auditioning could actually be fun.

  After a few more lines, Mrs. Baer spoke up. “Very good, Maddie.” And from the way she said it, I thought she meant it. “And Juliet?” Both she and Mrs. West leaned forward.

  I put my hand to my heart and tried to act a little lovey, but not too much. I spoke to the podium in the room like it was Romeo. It didn’t give me much to go on, but at least it didn’t laugh at me. I said a few lines. They came out easy, like I was supposed to say them. I guess I had really warmed up. I finished with “a thousand times”—I paused for effect—“good night.” And then I turned and bowed to the teachers.

  Both of them clapped and then whispered to each other. I hoped they were talking about giving me the chance to stab someone with a poisoned sword. Well, not a real poisoned sword, that would be weird if they were talking about that. But, you know—Hamlet.

  “Thank you very much, Maddie,” Mrs. West said. Those were the first words she had said the whole time. Mrs. Baer thanked me, too, and brought me to the door. They had to keep the auditions moving pretty fast to get through all the students.

  “Before I go,” I said, now nervous for a completely different reason. “I don’t know about being Juliet. I really think Cassie wants to be her.”

  “It’s okay if more than one person wants a part,” Mrs. Baer said. “We’ll make the choice from here.”

  “But—”

  “Don’t worry,” she said and escorted me right out of the room.

  I had no idea if I was going to be a prince, an angry woman, or Juliet. Well, I could be anything. But if I somehow ended up as Juliet, I didn’t know what I would say to Cassie.

  “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” I said, stepping beside Yasmin. We were walking the last few blocks home together before she turned down her street.

  “No. It was,” Yasmin said. “I choked. Completely choked.” She pulled out her phone and moved it around with her fingers, not even turning it on. She did that while she was thinking sometimes. I wish I had a phone, but my parents say I can’t have one until I’m fourteen. I’m not sure if they are serious, but they don’t seem to be planning on getting me one anytime soon.

  “If you completely choked, then you would be dead,” I said. “Suffocated in your audition.” I looked over at her. Maybe there was a hint of a smile. “And you look pretty alive to me.”

  “Yeah, I’m alive. But barely,” Yasmin said, all exasperated. “I messed up every line.”

  “I almost forgot all of mine,” I said.

  “Really?”

  “Yep.” I told Yasmin about the whole thing.

  “I wish I’d had a mustache,” Yasmin said. “Maybe that would have helped me not be nervous.”

  I reached into my pocket and pulled out a few. “Here, pick one.”

  She looked down at my open hand and then back at me. “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I have lots. That way if you freeze up on something else, you can just put on a mustache.”

  “That’s awesome,” Yasmin said, checking out her choices. “Um, I think I’ll pick this one.” She nabbed a blue mustache.

  “Good choice,” I said.

  As she held it to her face and turned to me with a smile, something behind us must have caught her eye. She slowed down and looked over my shoulder.

  I looked ba
ck to see what she was looking at.

  Devin and his younger brother, Sam, were walking behind us. They both had dark hair, dark eyebrows, and a cool walk. They seriously looked like the same person, just one was bigger than the other. Like Sam was a clone of Devin. Maybe he was. That’d be cool since Devin wasn’t ugly. It wasn’t like I thought he was super good-looking, I was just . . . Oh, never mind.

  “Are you checking out Devin?” I asked and bobbed my eyebrows.

  “No,” Yasmin said, shaking her head. “Behind him.” She pointed.

  I looked past the two boys and saw a girl with blonde hair in long fancy braids wearing a black shirt with silver stars. “Is that Cassie?” I asked.

  “I think so,” Yasmin said.

  “But why is she walking this way?” Cassie didn’t live in the same neighborhood we did, so she didn’t usually walk in the same direction as us. In fact, she usually took the bus to her fancy-pantsy neighborhood on the other side of the school.

  “No idea,” Yasmin said.

  “She’s walking with Hannah,” I said. “Maybe they’re hanging out today.” Hannah did live close to our neighborhood, but she usually didn’t walk with us either.

  “Let’s wait up for her,” Yasmin said. “I mean ‘them.’”

  I thought that was a good idea so we stood along the sidewalk to let Devin and his brother pass. I noticed my arm was tucked back weird against my side again so I pulled it out.

  “Hey, Maddie. Hey, Yasmin,” Devin said. That was nice. A lot of boys our age wouldn’t even say hi. We both waved back.

  “Are those your girlfriends?” Sam asked, even though he knew who I was. I’d been neighbors with Devin and Sam for a long time. They live on my street. Our families have even had barbeques together.

  “No,” Devin said and whapped his brother on the top of the head. But Devin did turn a little red. I wasn’t sure if it was because he liked one of us or if he was embarrassed because his brother was talking about girlfriends.

  The fact that he blushed at all made me tense. I had to say something. “No,” I said to Devin’s little brother as he walked by. “I’m your girlfriend, Sam.”

  “No, you’re not,” Sam said and stuck out his tongue. He was in the first grade so it was adorable. Devin laughed, and they kept walking.

  Then Cassie passed with Hannah. Both Yasmin and I waved and said hi as we started to walk with them.

  But they didn’t wave back. Well, Cassie tilted her head a little.

  “I hope it’s me,” Cassie said.

  “But you didn’t hear for sure?” Hannah asked. Cassie shook her head. “He’d be crazy if it isn’t you.”

  “Thanks,” Cassie said.

  They hadn’t really acknowledged us, but they were deep in conversation. We walked for a little while longer before I dared joining in. “What are you talking about?” I asked. At first I thought it might be the auditions, but they had mentioned a he. Both the teachers who were casting were shes.

  Cassie and Hannah just kept talking, like I hadn’t said anything at all.

  Weird.

  Yasmin and I shared a look.

  Really? It was even worse than when Cassie came out of her auditions.

  We slowed our walk. Then slower. Hannah and Cassie moved farther and farther ahead of us, not even noticing.

  It was like we weren’t even there. Yasmin and I shared another look. Why would they do that?

  “Oh, no,” I said, glancing down.

  “What?” Yasmin asked.

  “I know why they couldn’t see us. I’m being summoned.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m part of this interdimensional super-fighter team that keeps all sorts of worlds and universes from getting destroyed and stuff,” I explained. I thought about doing a karate kick to prove my point but decided against it. My leg was feeling trippy. “And one of my team members is pulling me out of our dimension and into another. I’ve been disappearing for the last two minutes. Probably right after Devin and Sam saw us. And because you’re next to me, you’re disappearing too.”

  Yasmin looked at me strangely, but a smile hid in the corner of her mouth.

  “Seriously, I can barely even see you,” I said. “And any minute we’ll be in another place entirely. Be ready. We don’t know what we’re about to face.”

  Yasmin let out a happy gasp. “You’re so weird.”

  And then just like that, we were in another world. It was like we faded in. The rows of houses around us turned into huge mountains reaching up into a dark sky, but instead of cars and mailboxes, there were hundreds of people screaming in panic and running for their lives. And they weren’t like normal people. They wore clothes made out of animal skins, and everyone’s hair was all messy, poking out in every direction. Then I saw why they were running.

  “Oh, no!” I said, looking up, then quickly winking at Yasmin to play along. “Not him again. My mortal enemy.” My worst nightmare loomed above us, about five schools tall with a head as big as Mrs. Baer’s classroom.

  “What is it?” Yasmin asked, winking back, then gazing up. She obviously had never seen one before.

  “One of the most feared beasts in the universe—Drago­porkisaur,” I explained. “Part dragon. Part dinosaur. And a lot pig.”

  Yasmin nearly snorted. “That’s gonna to be a problem.”

  “You have no idea,” I said. “Quick, behind that wall!” We both moved moments before a barrage of fire from the beast would have burned us to crispy critters.

  “That was close,” Yasmin said.

  “Yep,” I said. Even my slow leg moved faster when Dragoporkisaur was on my trail. A whiff of smoke curled up into my nostrils. “Ew,” I said, waving my hand in front of my face. “After the fire, you can always smell the dragon-piggy breath. Disgusting.”

  Yasmin crinkled her nose.

  “Whoa,” I said as the ground started to wobble. “The monster’s huge pig snort is causing an earthquake.”

  Yasmin shook with me, the ground lurching beneath our feet. “How come you’re not like this at school?” she asked.

  “I am. It’s just I’m teleported into other dimensions so you don’t notice,” I said.

  “Well,” Yasmin said, “it’s totally fun.”

  “I just hope he doesn’t try to smash us with his curly, spiked tail,” I said, pointing it out to Yasmin. I took a deep breath. It was that hero moment you see in movies. The time of decision. “I’m going to have to face him.” I tried to stretch out my arm to get ready for our battle, but it didn’t move nearly as well as usual. Not good, but I was still going to have to square off against the beast.

  “How do you defeat something like this?” Yasmin asked.

  “Easy,” I said. “I can sneeze laser beams.”

  Yasmin smiled big. “And I burp bombs. I’ll come with you.”

  “Alright,” I said. “Tonight you’re going to have the biggest slices of bacon you’ve ever seen.”

  We both charged out from behind the wall.

  Guacamole.

  Yum.

  It’s fun to say: guacamole. Try it. Guacamole.

  My mom and I had some time before school, and we were making guacamole. I really liked to help my mom in the kitchen, mostly because at the end, I got to eat something delicious.

  “Catch,” Mom said, and threw me an avocado. Even though the avocado was gliding toward my left side, I tried to catch it with my right hand. That didn’t work out so well. It hit my shoulder and fell to the floor.

  Not good. If it hit the ground too hard, we’d have guacamole on the floor.

  My mom looked at me for a moment then down to my left hand. It hadn’t moved. “Why didn’t you use both hands, Maddie?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  My mom stepped closer. Her eyes tur
ned more serious. “Maddie, yes, you do. Has it gotten worse?” She pointed to my left arm.

  I didn’t want to tell her. It probably wasn’t a big deal. No use worrying anyone. It had been four days since my mom made the doctor’s appointment, and that still wasn’t until next week. The doctor would know.

  But my mom gave me the “I’m not backing down on this question” look. There was no way out. “It doesn’t really work well.” The words felt weird coming out of my mouth.

  Mom tilted her head as she looked at me. “What do you mean?”

  I extended my arm out from its place at my side and opened my hand. It shook a little as I moved it. “It really wants to be closed.”

  “Can you do this?” Mom opened and closed her hand quickly.

  I tried to do the same, but it took a lot of concentration and I was slow. It may have even been slower than a few days ago.

  “How about the other hand?” Mom pointed to my right hand.

  I opened and shut that one just fine. “It’s just the left one.”

  “Is it this way all the time?” Mom asked and grabbed my left arm to look it over.

  “Pretty much.”

  “Does anything else feel strange?”

  “Well, my toes curl up and make me trip sometimes.”

  “Which foot?” Mom had a lot of questions.

  “My left one,” I answered.

  “Smile for me.” She leaned down to get a good view of my mouth.

  What did my smile have to do with anything? I smiled anyway. Mom asked me to, and I’m supposed to do what my mom says. Plus, she’s one of my best friends in the world. I’m sure my smile was weird. You try to smile when someone just asks you to. Of course, if I was wearing a mustache it would have looked awesome.

  Mom wasn’t done. She looked things up on her phone and asked me all sorts of questions. She asked if I felt any tingling. She had me follow her finger with my eyes. I think I was passing most of her tests. Finally, she smiled at me, but it was a little bit of a cover-up smile—I could tell. “You go ahead and walk to school with the other kids. I’ll call the doctor as soon as he’s in the office.”