Hello, Again

by Isabelle Broom

  ‘Easy,’ he said. ‘I just did it again. And again. And on the tenth or eleventh time, it became easier. I trusted my skills more and my anxieties less. You didn’t really need me to tell you that, though, did you? You already know what you have to do.’

  Pepper watched on in silence as he heaped spaghetti onto four plates and plonked large mounds of Bolognese on top. She knew he was right; she did know what to do. She understood why she hadn’t for so long, why she now could, and what she needed to keep her creative momentum going.

  She had to believe in herself.

  Chapter 42

  Pepper didn’t know if Samuel had chosen spaghetti Bolognese on purpose as an icebreaker, but it certainly made the experience of eating an amusing one.

  There was no way of consuming it without dribbling sauce over your chin or scooping a heap onto your spoon only to have it slither off back onto the plate. Even Pepper’s mother raised a smile when Samuel sucked in an extra-long strand of pasta with such gusto that the end whipped him across the nose.

  Pepper had tucked her napkin into the neck of her shirt without preamble, and Josephine followed suit, although she managed not to get a single drop of sauce on herself.

  ‘You look as if you’ve taken a stroll through an abattoir,’ she remarked to Samuel when they had finished. He was still wearing his apron, and it was covered with splatters of sauce.

  ‘Maybe this is why I’m single,’ he told them, topping up Pepper’s water glass then checking that everyone else had wine. ‘Because you can’t take a messy toad like me anywhere.’

  ‘Toad?’ Pepper chuckled. ‘You’re welcome to move into my pond, if you like? You’re bound to attract a mate that way.’

  ‘Gee.’ Samuel deadpanned. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I would absolutely allow you to court me if I didn’t have to leave,’ Josephine told him. ‘What is that word? The one that describes an older lady with a younger lover?’

  ‘Cougar,’ replied Pepper and Samuel at the same time.

  ‘That’s it! Marvellous!’

  ‘Is that what you’re looking for, then?’ Pepper asked Samuel. ‘Someone older and wiser?’

  ‘Someone non-amphibian would do,’ he drawled. ‘I don’t really have a type. As long as she finds my jokes funny, then I’m hers.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ Pepper said gravely. ‘Looks like you’ll be alone forever, in that case.’

  ‘For that,’ Samuel said, pushing back his chair, ‘you can help me with pudding.’

  Half an hour and four bowls of very good treacle tart and ice cream later, they retired to the sofa area, Josephine sinking down into an armchair that looked older than all four of them combined and Pepper’s mother perching awkwardly on a swivel chair. She had not said much throughout the meal, but she seemed to Pepper to be more relaxed than usual and had laughed along with the rest of them rather than going off into one of her vague trances. It was clear her mother liked Samuel, and Pepper wondered if she would take as quickly to Finn. That’s if she ever got the chance to meet him. She could not imagine her mum boarding a flight to Germany to visit him, even if she did seem stronger in herself. She was still too tied to home, too anchored to the past – Pepper understood, because at the start of this strange, eventful summer, she had felt the same way. Now, however, she found herself torn – she wanted to be in two places at the same time.

  Samuel had put on some music, and Pepper sat listening for a moment, enjoying the gentle flickering of the candles and the soft banter being traded from sofa to squashy armchair. She felt at ease here, more so than she had in a long time, and wondered if it was to do with the setting or the company. Certainly, it had been ages since she’d been around her mother and not felt twitchy, but things had changed between them since the fire. Her mum seemed more engaged, more interested in what she was saying or doing, more willing to offer support. It was a nice feeling, but Pepper didn’t know if she quite trusted it yet. When it came to her mother, the ground was always fragile, and there was no way Pepper would embark upon a tramp across a frozen lake unless she had a very strong rope to hold onto.

  Somehow they had got around to the subject of her dad’s wedding, and Pepper turned her head away from the candles, ready to re-engage.

  ‘What was that?’

  ‘I was just telling Samuel here that your date has fallen through,’ Josephine said.

  ‘It has?’ Pepper’s mother piped up. ‘That’s a shame.’

  She couldn’t be sure if the comment was genuine or sarcastic. No Finn meant her mum would have her all to herself. She was just about to reply, when her mother went on, ‘Why don’t you come instead, Samuel?’

  ‘MUM!’

  Josephine looked between them. ‘I agree,’ she said, and Pepper rolled her eyes. ‘I think that is an excellent idea. Weddings are utterly tiresome most of the time,’ she went on. ‘If Samuel goes along with you, it’s bound to be a hoot.’

  ‘I love you too,’ Samuel said, blowing Josephine a kiss.

  ‘But there’s no time,’ Pepper protested. ‘It’s in Guernsey,’ she added to Samuel. ‘So, you’d have to get a flight, and the hotel is probably booked up by now.’

  ‘Samuel can have your room,’ said her mother. ‘I booked a double, so we can share.’

  ‘But––’

  ‘But nothing.’ Josephine was clapping her hands now. Her stick had slipped down from where she’d balanced it against the arm of her chair and Pepper bent to retrieve it. ‘It makes perfect sense – your mother and I agree, so I am afraid you’re overruled.’

  ‘But what about Samuel?’ Pepper said, feeling exasperated. ‘I’m pretty sure he gets a say, too.’

  They all turned to find him smiling broadly.

  ‘I’m game,’ he said. ‘As long as it’s all right with you? I’ve never been to the Channel Islands before – kinda fancy it.’

  How had this somehow become her decision?

  Pepper could not help but think of Finn, and how put out he would be when he learnt that Samuel was attending the wedding in his place. She had been so looking forward to having him on her arm, proving to her parents that she was not the sad habitual single after all, that she had found a wonderful man who loved her just as much as she loved him. But everything with Finn felt sullied now and difficult. He probably would still have come to the wedding had she asked him, but until now, the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind.

  She looked towards her mother, who was smiling expectantly, and to Josephine, whose mischievous twinkle was waiting. Samuel was harder to read, but if Pepper had to guess, she would have said he was hopeful of a yes.

  ‘Of course you should come,’ she said, groaning good-naturedly when Josephine whooped. ‘But don’t blame me if none of the bridesmaids agree to give you their number.’

  Samuel laughed.

  ‘How did you know that was what I was thinking?’

  Pepper tapped her temple.

  ‘Telepathic, obviously. Now, if you point me in the direction of your loo?’

  ‘Upstairs, door on the–– Actually,’ he grinned. ‘If you’re telepathic, you’ll probably work it out for yourself.’

  Pepper could still hear the three of them laughing as she scampered up the carpeted stairs and smiled to herself as she tried the first door. It was an airing cupboard.

  The second door she opened was clearly a bedroom, so she shut it quickly, glimpsing only a white duvet cover and dark-blue pillows. The third door led into a tiny boxroom that housed a desk, shelves and a complicated array of exercise equipment and weights. Pepper was about to go into reverse when she spotted something vaguely familiar tucked in beside the computer. Checking over her shoulder, she stepped quietly into the room, sure she must be mistaken. But no, it was what she’d thought it was.

  ‘Hello, again,’ she said.

  It was the ugly toy cat from the fête. She could not believe he’d kept it.

  Chapter 43

  Pepper had gone from feeling anxious about her father’s w
edding to genuinely looking forward to it.

  She was sad not to have Finn with her, but relieved that Samuel was now going to be there in his place. He was so relaxed and cheerful – and the effect he had on her mother felt near-revolutionary to Pepper. As the three of them drove towards Gatwick Airport, her mother, who was on the backseat, could not seem to stop giggling at everything Samuel said, and Pepper, who was driving, kept swivelling her eyes to the rear-view mirror, increasingly bemused by what she was witnessing.

  Her mother never giggled.

  If Samuel was feeling in any way awkward about being Pepper’s plus-one for the weekend, he was keeping it well hidden. But then, she could not imagine him ever feeling ill at ease in any given situation – that was a trait he shared with Finn. Just as Pepper had been drawn to the magnetism of one man’s unabashed confidence, so she was allured by the other. Finn had encouraged her to go after what she wanted, while Samuel made all the big stuff seem smaller. That must be the remnants of the doctor in him, she guessed – if he told her that everything was going to be all right, she would believe him.

  It was lunchtime when they reached the departure lounge, and Samuel insisted on treating them all to a bite at the posh oyster bar – a bizarre outlet to have in an airport, Pepper pointed out – but when the tray arrived, he quailed.

  ‘Confession: I’ve actually never tried one,’ he said, lifting a gnarly shell up to his nose for a cursory sniff, then lowering it again warily as if it were a scorpion.

  Pepper and her mother, who had both grown up on the coast and therefore eaten oysters pretty much since birth, had a lot of fun showing him how to get the little wrigglers down in a single gulp, laughing when he finally got one in only to clamp his lips together, blow out his cheeks, and clutch at his throat in horror.

  ‘Why are these things a delicacy?’ he half-choked, and promptly downed half a jug of water.

  After a very short flight on a very small plane, the three of them touched down in Guernsey to bright sunshine and a brisk wind. Pepper, who knew even less about the Channel Islands than she had about Lisbon, found herself instantly captivated. It was only a short taxi ride from the airport to the Dove Hotel in St Peter Port, where the wedding was taking place, and everything she saw through the window, from the rows of thatched stone cottages to the bursts of wildflowers and the far-reaching blue skies, was beautiful.

  There was a short queue of arrivals at reception, so it took a while to get checked in and settled. Pepper had managed to book herself the last available single room; she had drawn the line at actually sharing a double bed with her mother, using the excuse that she planned to see the wedding reception through until the end, and didn’t want to crash in late. The truth was, it felt too soon to be cuddling up beside her. Their relationship may have improved slightly over the past few weeks, but she wasn’t sure if she wholly trusted it yet. Feeling slightly guilty as they headed towards the stairs with their bags, Pepper suggested that they all meet in the bar for a pre-dinner drink once they’d freshened up.

  ‘You two go ahead,’ her mother said. ‘I might take a bath, read my book.’

  ‘Just don’t light any candles, whatever you do,’ joked Pepper, who had gone right off the things.

  Trinity smiled weakly. ‘See you at dinner,’ she said, and as Pepper watched her drift away, she caught Samuel’s enquiring eye.

  ‘Everything OK?’ he asked.

  Pepper frowned.

  ‘Hope so.’

  Once in her room, she hung up her outfit for the following day, then took a quick shower to wash off the journey and pulled on the white sundress she’d bought in Portugal. She had been wearing it the first time Finn kissed her. That night in the bar with the spilt beer and the cabinet covered in goggly eyes felt like an eternity ago. So much had happened since then. Meeting him had yanked a stopper out of her life, and everything since then seemed to have rushed at her like flood water – falling in love, travelling, dealing with first Josephine’s bombshell, then Finn’s, followed by a devastating fire and now this, a weekend away with the few pieces of her family that were left. It made Pepper’s head spin just thinking about it.

  Samuel was already sitting at the bar when she went back downstairs, a half-full pint of beer in front of him and a book open in his lap, which he closed with a smile as she approached.

  ‘What are you reading?’

  He held it up.

  ‘A poetry anthology?’

  ‘Don’t make that face! Poetry is all the rage.’

  ‘You continually surprise me,’ she mused, ordering herself a red wine. The wooden bar top was so polished, Pepper half expected to see her reflection in it.

  ‘Shall we sit outside?’ Samuel asked, as she tried and failed to get comfortable on the equally polished stool next to him.

  The terrace was bathed in soft apricot light and a gentle breeze teased the ends of Pepper’s newly washed hair. From here they could see straight down to the marina and the English Channel beyond, its surface sparkling like cut glass as the sun made its way down in the west. The Dove Hotel gardens stretched out below them, a carpet of green scattered with droplets of water from an earlier sprinkling. Pepper strained her ears, but the birds were quiet now, nestled down for the night in their leafy dens in order to wake with the dawn.

  For a while, they simply sat in companionable silence, sipping their drinks and absorbing the ambience.

  Then Pepper’s phone buzzed.

  It was Finn, telling her how excited he was to be seeing her soon. She was flying over to Hamburg for the launch party only a few days after arriving back from Guernsey, and every time she thought about it, her insides twisted into knots. After not having travelled abroad once in her entire life, Pepper calculated that she would soon have taken ten flights over the space of one summer – an appalling tally for the planet. But then, the circumstances had been extraordinary.

  ‘All good?’

  Pepper glanced up at Samuel, then back down at her phone.

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, tapping out a quick reply. ‘It’s just Finn, checking in.’

  ‘Right. And how is my bat-rescuing rival?’ he asked. ‘Still impossibly handsome and ridiculously charming?’

  Pepper swallowed.

  ‘Actually,’ she began, then hesitated, unsure of how much to tell him.

  ‘Trouble in the proverbial paradise?’ he guessed, and Pepper cringed.

  ‘You could say that.’

  By the time she had got him up to date, they had finished their first drink and ordered themselves a second round.

  ‘Mate . . .’ Samuel said, his mouth pulled into a line.

  ‘I know.’ She grimaced. ‘Things with me and Finn, they’ve become so complicated so quickly. And now he wants me to go and live with him in Germany . . .’

  Samuel didn’t say anything to that. He merely swilled his beer around in his glass, a thoughtful expression on his face.

  ‘In the beginning, it was all so perfect,’ she went on. ‘But now, suddenly, there are all these barriers between us – endless hurdles that we have to clamber over, just to be together.’

  ‘Which famous poet was it that compared falling in love to conquering a mountain?’ Samuel asked.

  Pepper took a forlorn swig of her wine.

  ‘Probably all of them.’

  ‘The tougher the climb the better the view from the top, and all that,’ he said.

  ‘But what if I get to the top and find that I can’t see? What if the view is shrouded in clouds?’

  ‘Speaking in metaphors is a sure sign of a decent red,’ he joked.

  Pepper pulled a face at him over the rim of her glass.

  ‘I just wish I knew what to do,’ she moaned. ‘Why does it have to be so hard?’

  ‘Do you want to know what I think?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘I think you already know exactly what you want but admitting it – even to yourself – is proving too scary. I think people always know what they wa
nt, deep down. Instinct is a powerful thing, but you’d be amazed how often people ignore it. Doing the thing that makes you happy first and foremost doesn’t make you selfish, you know? It makes sense. To do anything else would be dishonest, both to yourself and the people whose best interests you are trying to keep at heart.’

  ‘Are all failed doctors as smart as you?’ she asked, still feeling glum.

  ‘Hey! Not failed, just fed up, remember? And yes.’

  He smiled slyly.

  ‘Listen, I know the two of us haven’t known each other all that long, but I can tell you’ve been a lot happier these past few months. If being with golden boy Finn makes you happy, then perhaps that is a good thing – maybe it’s exactly what you need. But against that, it has to feel real. You have to feel like you. I’ve always been a big believer in a partner helping you be your best self, not your worst.’

  ‘My worst self is worse than most,’ she muttered.

  ‘How so?’ Samuel folded his arms when she didn’t reply.

  ‘Come on,’ he urged. ‘There’s a good hour before dinner yet, and a whole lot more beer waiting to be drunk. I have nowhere else to be but right here – so you may as well use me as your sounding board. And anyway,’ he added. ‘I’m a right nosy Norbert, me – why do you think I became a doctor?’

  ‘Remember what I told you about my sister?’ she began, hearing the tremble in her voice.

  ‘Yes.’ He frowned. ‘You mean about the accident?’

  ‘Well, on the day it happened,’ she went on, careful to keep her voice low in case anyone at the other tables was listening, ‘my mum kept saying over and over that she’d left Bethan alone – that she should have been watching her. But she wasn’t, and that was down to me, really. It was an accident, but it could have been avoided.’

  Pepper was not looking at Samuel now, she was picturing her sister. The enormity of what had happened assaulted her afresh, as it always did, like a fist buried hard and deep into her stomach. She felt winded by pain.

  ‘My mum didn’t speak to me again for weeks after that night – she could barely bring herself to look at me.’